View Full Version : Understanding why some men (and women) are players

Sweet Peace
11-13-2011, 12:18 PM
I've always had a really strong dislike for people who 'play' others, telling lies or withholding information such as knowing the relationship won't go anywhere but letting the other person think it will, or having a gf/bf on the side, cheating and so on. Women do this too, I know it's not just men but being female and straight I've seen it in men more. Normally I shout a really strong "NO" at this, and when I'm single manage to attract a lot of these types of men, though I figure I'm usually pretty good at spotting the difference between sincere and a line, though some guys are pretty good and seem to like the challenge.

What I want is to understand more why men do this from a deeper level so that I can release resistance to this kind of action and stop shouting no at it. I truly believe that all people are doing the best they can with what they've got and perhaps this kind of action is a way of feeling momentarily satisfied, good enough, or whatever. For a while now I've been working on accepting others the way they are. They may not people that I surround myself with but I feel better about just letting people be as they are, and being as I am. If we are a match they will more likely end up in my life.

That being said, since I still shout no at this or shake my head, I still see it and don't have 'good' feelings around it. I just think that if I can find compassion for people in this place with their life it will be easier to stop shouting no and it will drift away from my experience. Any thoughts?

11-13-2011, 12:35 PM
Hi Sweet peace,its really not possible to know anothers motives for what they do,you can only really know your own and as you say as you have noticed this behavior it is not surpriseing that LOA brings it into your expirience,i think that maybe a way of looking at this is if someone is insincere then that is most prolly what they are attracting back to themselves--what you give out you get back --so if you want to be a "player" then that is what you can expect! --personally i think if you are honest with yourself then you tend to find that you get honesty as a reflection back

11-13-2011, 01:00 PM
Also i am sure that you realise this but its just a little bit about wanting others to change their behaviour to make you feel better(you already know that this just doesnt work) so i would let them do what they do and just bask a bit in the fact that you dont have to do it:wave:

11-13-2011, 01:23 PM
I can absolutely feel where you're coming from, Sweet Peace. I, too, used to want to "understand" people's motivations in order to be in a position to live with their justifications. :lol: Thing is, that is just as conditional as despising them outright for their behavior, regardless of their reasons.

Compassion is a stance Abraham do not advise. It can help you to let go of resentment and anger in some cases, but when it comes to this particular problem, what are you going to do about those who "play" for sheer fun? Continue to dislike them because they have no "appropriate reason" worthy of your compassion? :lol:

Let them off the hook - WITHOUT EXCEPTION. It's maybe not the easiest way to go, but it's ultimately the only way. Now, it's fine to let them off the hook in fits and starts :smile:, step by step, until you don't really care anymore why someone does what they do and don't let their behavior or their reasons for it affect your response. If compassion is your first step in that direction, take it - tell yourself that they are poor, insecure folks who need to play these games to feel better about themselves. Many of them surely feel that way about themselves. And soon you will get to the point where you realize that your Source, your Inner Being feels no resentment and no compassion for them, in fact feels nothing but pure adoration. And then you'll feel it, too. :hugging:


PS: I'm just getting an additional thought. Are there areas in your life where you feel pressured to be dishonest, withhold information etc. in order to get what you want or at least to avoid what you don't want? And do you perhaps feel resentment about that? As pyewacket said, you get what you think about.

11-13-2011, 01:44 PM
It boils down to this: everything and anything one does is for the sole purpose to try to feel good or better...

ETA: We may not agree with it but that is the bottom line...

11-13-2011, 02:13 PM
:exactly:, MiAlma! :hugging:

This bears repeating:

We may not agree with it but that is the bottom line...

Sweet Peace
11-13-2011, 02:41 PM
Wow! Some powerful stuff here! Thanks guys! How very true that I don't have to understand anything that people are doing in order to be okay with them doing what they do. I absolutely love that. In fact I don't really need to be okay with it either. I can just put something else in my pie or pass by it to the items in the buffet that I find more tantalizing.
I didn't realize Abe didn't offer compassion as a good stance. Makes sense.
And I absolutely love your comment, MiAlma, that everything everybody does is in an attempt to make themselves feel better. I don't have to agree with anything to not have a reaction. I don't have to have compassion or understanding to just know it's there and choose to focus on something else. Love it!

11-24-2011, 11:44 PM
When I saw the title I intepreted the word player differently than you meant it. You meant player= trickster. I saw ...player= having fun. It's all about perspective I guess. I recently got asked our by a guy. He said he was very laid back. And in the course of planning our date I realized ...wow he's a little too laid back for me. Not that what he is is bad...its just not my preference . It's so ok for someone's personality to not be your piece of pie. And its ok to know that's not your piece of pie so to speak. I simply didn't go through with the date. We make this all way too complicated . It's really simple to know what you like and what you don't and not PUSH. Against it. Just release it and hone in on what you do like when your not all bawled up over it..:)

Sweet Peace
11-24-2011, 11:52 PM
What a great take on this, Jenn!