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Thread: JoshuaDM

  1. #1
    JoshuaDM's Avatar
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    JoshuaDM

    OK, I'm starting my own thread called RichAnn called JoshuaDM.

    I like the idea of celebrating myself.

    I like this new idea of getting a massive flood of ideas for 3 years of planning, I feel like I've had plenty of those in a while and just no desire to carry those things out, but maybe there's more than the ideas I've had, more vortexness...

    I'm puzzled about why pessimism is above frustration on the EGS, it seems to me that pessimism would be something near the bottom, I mean, I think of my great aunt, now she was pessimistic, and she seemed like a long way from frustration. That frustration would have done her a world of good, at least she'd be feeling something.

    I feel nervous at the thought that someone could be aspiring to be in pessimism--maybe I should be aspiring to that. Maybe I've never been anwyhere near it. I've felt a lot of appreciation in my life, especially the past year or two, and I've felt what it's like ot be in that lighter space, that more solid and simultaneously lighter vibration, where the old oen just kidn of melts away, peels off.

    I was really in a bad way this evening, thought I should really fix myself bigtime. Then later I wrote down the fears and that gave me relief, I could see them, they were only a few words long. Then I came home and realized that at about the point when I was having a fun conversation with someone on the bus, the one little break from the hell feeling, I'dd gotten a call I hadn't noticed from my favorite students' father, probably wanting to book me for some work! (Thank you jesus, abraham and Inner Being, whoever you are).

    I don't know what the heck I'm doing, I"ve been feeling more lost than usual lately, sometimes, and other times really really on-target...but not motivated to take action on the ideas...

    so I guess I'll just not take action.

    I'll play my new computer game that's a lot of fun.

    Maybe I'll even let myself just go to bed...

    But enough about me, what do you think about me?

  2. #2
    JoshuaDM's Avatar
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    It's fascinating, how there can be so many ideas, such profound ones, in the download, and then it can take weeks for them to get sorted out in my brain, and then for me to unpack them after those weeks is so fascinating too, it takes an hour to unpack all hte thoughts and realize what I myself had already thought...even though I was the one who thought it, and the only one!!! weird and cool.

  3. #3
    angelman66's Avatar
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    Joshua is a brilliant creative entity, a master of the art of DESIRE and a determined sculptor and molder of THOUGHT and EMOTION. He cares deeply about his Great Work, his personal creation of beauty, harmony, abundance, vitality and love...and more and more often moves confidently in the direction of his dreams.
    Joshua is a "mad" scientist, experimenting with explosively powerful emotions, like Einstein or Edison, seeking the perfect concoction that will propel him and keep him in the Vortex....

    Joshua is both the artist and the work of art he creates in every moment.

    That's what I see in you!
    -Chris

  4. #4
    TinaMe's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by JoshuaDM View Post
    It's fascinating, how there can be so many ideas, such profound ones, in the download, and then it can take weeks for them to get sorted out in my brain, and then for me to unpack them after those weeks is so fascinating too, it takes an hour to unpack all hte thoughts and realize what I myself had already thought...even though I was the one who thought it, and the only one!!! weird and cool.
    Very neat! Sounds like blocks of thoughts your receiving from IB, sorta like Esther does. That creative flow is such a huge fun rush. Not so weird, just you. Individual, unique, wonderful you, that's how I see you. How do you see yourself?

    I react similiarily to the word "pessimism" because I associate that more with depression. Instead of using pessimism as a word/feeling to reach for, I try to reach for feeling tired, tired of it, sick of it, resigned to it, and then whatever to it, which helps me reach to boredom quickly.

    Celebrating Creative Genius JoshuaDM!

  5. #5
    JoshuaDM's Avatar
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    Hey Chris and TinaME (and Riley),
    thanks so much for your sweet messges! I'm touched. I wasn't expecting anyone would even read let alone reply--I'm delighted! Only thing is, if you wouldn't mind, I'd rather be compared to Tesla than Edison , Edison was pretty mean to poor Tesla and tried to sabotage his work at one point (claiming AC harmed animals, which may have been true, but he deliberately tortured animals and then claimed it was the result of AC).

    At any rate, that's not what I came here to talk about, I'm going to look at moving up the emotional guidance scale on a dear friend from my spiritual community who hasn't been talking to me in years. He's still dear to me, I still care about him deeply, and he's probably someone who would benefit from the Abe teachings, he's so independent-minded and hated people giving him advice, but the medicine, and Abe, give you something that's not advice...anyway...

    I feel afraid that I didn't understand his alcoholic-family childhood better
    I feel embarrassed that things were not nearly as hard for me in my middle-class comfort as they were for him
    I feel embarrassed that I haven't had to handle being a target of racism as he has

    Feeling underneath--rage, pain

    better-feeling thought:
    I did mean well, I meant kindness to him
    He did take some things I said in a way different from how I meant htem
    He's the creator of his experience and he's repsonsible for his point of attraction
    The world may not actually be as racist as he perceives it to be, it's simply that he chooses to be "realistic" rather than creating a more safe world.
    The danger he perceives up at the land is largely mental.
    The person who threatened to run him over with his truck didn't actually do so, it was pretty much an empty threat
    There's no way I could have known that was a part of his experience; I can't read his mind, and I'm not responsible for his pain at not having that be understood.
    I can only help him by being happy first myself.
    I do pray for him sometimes, and I do genuinely care about him.
    His disapproval of me is about him and not me. It has nothing to do wiht my actual worthiness.
    His seeming dismissal of the medicine is really not about the medicine, it's also about him and his conditioning.
    He actually has taken on the medicine in a powerful way.
    It keeps bringing him back to the land.
    He is very adept at hearing from spirit and bringing spirit into the conversation and into the world.
    I can even see how it is rather boring to try to please him, the game is rigged and you just can win it.
    I'd rather focus on tending my own vibration.
    Maybe he'll figure out how to tend his, and be the powerful creator he can be, and make a world that is much more clearly safe and free of racism and full of understanding and true intimacy and genuineness and clarity and respect and kindness and supportiveness and love.
    If he really is my brother, as I intuit, and chose to be born in that Hispanic family instead of staying in my mother's womb, then he actually owes me an apology for leaving me all these years to be an only child.
    Maybe some day I'll be able to say all this to him and he'll be able to hear it without cutting me off or judging what I say, maybe he'll get the depth to which I actually do care.
    Maybe some day we'll be able to hang out again, and watch movies and dissect them together as we used to.
    Maybe I can send him an email just letting him know that I do care.
    Even if he doesn't believe it's genuine, I know it is.
    I can say thank you to him for being a good friend to me at many times, and there's not much he can deny about that.
    For all I know, he might be reading the Teachings of Abraham right now.
    Actually, the truck incident is NOT the only example of a near-death exerience he has attracted--there was also that tree that fell right on the lodge and was only feet away from killing him--but Spirit blocked that from happening too.
    maybe the truck wasn't actually a redneck racist at all but one of his ancestors giving him an opportunity to release one of his fears and teach us something about the possibility of re-creating our reality.
    Maybe the people up the road with the Confederate Flag were also an illusion created by spirit in that moment when Y--- was in an otherworld state after nearly totalling his car.
    This may be a nutty idea, but it did just occur to me, so spirit or my IB may have put it there.
    He can throw his shells to see if it's true or not.
    I feel angry that I'm supposed to take away his pain when in fact I really can't, and even M________ (our teacher from Africa) said his ancestors are not interested in focusing on addressing the racism issue at this time in our community.
    It's an illusion that I need to get angry at anything, I can just unhook myself from that hook and insist on seeing him as Source sees him, a beautiful soul who is in pain but whose approval I don't have any need for in order to remain happy.
    If people on this forum or somewhere in the world think I'm a racist because I refuse to depart from my alignment in order to "help" him, it's an illusion that I have to get _their_ approval either, that's an outdated idea that once seemed to serve me but now doesn't.
    I feel relief.


    OK, thanks guys for the support, it feels so much easier to make a vibrational shift knowing that someone else is witnessing me.

    With much appreciaton, saying good night

    Joshua

  6. #6
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    OK, grey box, do your magic. (My Inner Being is a grey box.)

    I am feeling crummy. Subjects I've been dwelling on--sponsoring someone in Underearners Anonymous, staying up too late (again), living life fully and wildly, calling my dad an hour later than I said I would, doing ritual badly, not being able to find my cell phone to charge it up, not having updated my numbers for two days.

    Sponsoring--
    "I'm not a good enough sponsor since I'm terribly underearning at the moment"
    feeling: shame,embarrassment, fear, and rage
    better: I do a decent job of passing on the program; I'm taking the actions to be sober from underearning, and I'm not responsible for the results (by the program's rules); if I am responsible as a deliberate creator it's not a fault since by those terms I'm inherently worthy

    dad--"I am competely insane and not calling him was an act of insanity" "I'm wrong to complain about him not showing up for me in my life when i didn't show up for our conversation after saying I'd call at 5:30" "Maybe the way I feel about him has more to do with how I treat him than how he treats me" "I could have called at 5:30, all I was doing then was going to dinner with my housemates, I picked them over my own father" "I lied to myself today and don't want to admit it " "I don't want to be vulnerable with him and that's a real tenth-step problem"
    Feeling: shame, embarrassment, rage, humiliation
    Better: I called him at 6:30 and he was still there. No harm done. It wasn't a set in stone appointment. They were celberating at their house today too, we were all going with the flow. It's reasonable that I'd be ambivalent about talking with him when he hasn't been very present in my life or emotionally available, and blaming myself is classic parent-caretaking thinking. I feel angry that I believed I had to torture myself and think myself unworthy just because I was late with one phone call. He could have called me. I don't help anyone by feeling shame. I'm not unworthy just for feeling angry at him and pained about our relationship. He creates his own reality as well as I create mine. I'll be nicer next time. maybe I don't want to admit I want his love, and that's not a flaw in me.I dn't need to resolve all this tonight.

    OK, I feel a bit better, I'm feeling my anger instead of fear. Thanks everyone, your support is really helpful.

    Good night.

    Joshua

  7. #7
    susu's Avatar
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    Nice work

    I notice that you said "I dont want to admit I want his love and it is not a flaw in me".

    What would happen if you did admit this to yourself?
    How would knowing and feeling this thought change who you are?
    Who would you be with his love? Who are you without his love?
    This is a very interesting line of thought and its worth pursuing.

    One of the really nice things about accepting what IS, is that it frees you to stop worrying about it. You feel better because you no longer feel the need to carry around the burden of what IS. IS just exists on its own. IS is self supporting. It requires no effort. In the scheme of feeling better - nothing beats accepting what IS. (hope you will let me off the hook for barging in)

  8. #8
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    I'm finding myself wrong or the following things:

    styaing up too late
    watching too much TV
    being on the computer too much (electro-sensitivity, electronics being so b ad for you--that feels like a belief that's hard to shift, except maybe if I were a saint entitled to have miracles happen around me whiel I slaved for my cause)

    watching a movie that I didn't even really enjoy that much and using up tme doing that instead of making art of working on my vision gr
    wanting to have sex with people I shouldn't
    not refusing to help the person change her vibrations who I was just talking with (should have charge her money so I could not be guilty of _underearning_!!! the horror!)
    wasting time
    thinnnnking I can escape from ahving to recover from addiction to underearning by just doing a whole lot of Abrahama processes or

    or by watching TV and movies
    or by purssuing my vision instead of B work
    or by hanging out on this forum
    age--for ot living a rural lifesttyle and being baarefoot on the earth and with quiet gras around me and the bent-necked cows an sheep, their muzzzles exploring the niblbled grass around them unhurriedly
    for not giving my poop back to the earth to remineralize it after I've eate her bounty
    for not even havig a compost pilefor not having a compost pile even though I want one
    for not fighting wiht my rhousemate on that issue and taking a stand
    for caving in and being passive agresive about the comost pile issue
    or beigntoo lazy o really commit to taking care of one (and probably being too lazy to carry out sucha a commitment if I amde one)
    rage for not beign able to find the corporations right
    for trying t o find the corporations right
    for trying to find pure evil right
    for staying up too late when I was sick this morning
    for not having done a healing sesssion (or even a vibrational process) about the sickness
    for not having done more than fifteen mintues of earning time today, if that
    for not being strong enough to have th eruthlessnesssss to do whatever a truly ballsy person would have done with his day toay, such as go out in the world and hit on chicks, get drunk, or do the L______ F_______ ( a certain personal growth workshop that's rather popular and which my alcoholic hosuemate has done)
    feels like a rielif to list these things. Any more?
    for overeating at dinner
    for letting that movie character into my vibration, the image keeps repeating on me and it's irritating and unpleasant and I wish I hadn't watched that movie, poor self-care/treatment of my health
    not sitting right at hte keyboard
    not pracing my Alexander more
    not being able to get into the votex
    not eing willing to do whatever it takes to get in the vortex before doing anything esle, evn getting myself ready for bed (anger)
    for cadmitting to tat other perosn on the phone that I wanted to try to stop finding the corpporatins wrong
    for not knowing myself very well, not being capable of being honest with myself about whatI feel, want, or need ot do
    for staying up too late in spit of the fact that, regardless of whether or not I need to find myself wrong for it, the "fact" is I'll be more tired and sicker tomorrow if I don't get enough rest)

    finding wrong about my experience
    having to work
    having o do actions to get myself ready for bed J(can't just go lie down and be asleep, but have to brush teeth etc. les t I rot them--I'm sure someone on this forum has transcended the need for any kind of dental maintenance?) (I did telekinesis, can't I do this?) rage
    not having a mate wtih me tonight
    not having anyone here to tuck me in and take care of me
    being required by Abraham ("") to stop complaining about the corporatins, and to love Big Brother, and embrace them
    not knowing what subject I need t o shift on in order to be ready to go to bed tonight
    having to be bold and willing to stay up till like three am in order to get to thevortex and be happy
    having to be really wild and ballsy and sexually shameless and fearless in odrder to be enough or get sexual pleasure
    having to share this rather anonymously on this board and not necessarily be read and certainly not see the peope reading what I wrote
    nothe posts on this furm not being able to get me in the vortex this evening, or maybe not anymore ever again! (fear)
    having to fidn mysel wrong for staying up till three
    not being able to rus hteh getting int othe vortex process so I can hurry it up and get to bed at reasoanble hour
    not seming ot be able to force myself to go to bed right now so I have some prayer of being well rested tomorrow
    having to eat something before sleeping, yetanother interruptin
    haivng all the most interesting clients have no money and the most moniyed clients have no interest




    Some things I apprciate about myself that I dihadn't realized until now:
    I feel m anger, I take the time to read the message from theemotional guidance scale yet again tonight
    I may be really a god, a creator, who it doesn't matter how late he stays up or when he goes to bed, he can just generate more energy though direct creation


    that in giving my help to another aber I managed to come up with a lot of subjects I needed to change my vbration on that I hadn't ealied
    that I'm not making myself or rushing myself into shrting the vibraiotns on those right this red nhot minte



    about my experience
    I didn't have to go to work to day

    that I have been rfeeling close to the vortex these past few mnutes, close to tha sweet space just inside my heart, to feeling really right about myself wand really rigth abotu staing up late, rally able to accept whee I am

    that thorb in my heart, the strongness of it and the sweetness and the youngness and the aliveness rage of it and the meltingness angry of it and teh purity of it and the thickness of it andthe solidity of i and the courageousness of itand the undeniability of itthe exactness with hich it is an answer to the yearning I've been feeling, the desire that I had thought wasn't a desire but a desire-that-not, but it's actually a desire to feel that heart-shaped throb in my chest once again

    that I'm falling asleep

  9. #9
    angelman66's Avatar
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    I think it's healthy to rip off the "happy face stickers" every so often and let it all hang out!
    Affirming "all is well" is not always enough to make peace with where you are--sometimes you have to know here you are to begin with...and I have done this same kind of processing to ascertain my placement on the Emotional Scale. I also felt a sense of relief once I looked at what I had expressed, and was then able to see that the thoughts that were causing me to feel crummy are JUST THOUGHTS, based on BELIEFS (habitual thoughts) that do not necessarily have to be true for me. Then I found even more relief at the thought that I could offer a totally different set of thoughts that are DESIGNED to make ME FEEL GOOD.

    Thanks for sharing your personal process. It helps others when we are able to show what is "inside" our heads--and then we see we are not alone, and have similar thought patterns that trip us up and keep us from feeling good and getting into and staying in the Vortex.

    -C

  10. #10
    JoshuaDM's Avatar
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    Thanks, Chris, I appreciate your words, it feels supportive and nice.

    You know, I also realized, as I was actually getting into bed last night, that a really big belief I'd been holding onto was "I AM WRONG FOR WANTING TO STAY IN MY COMFORT ZONE" and I just let that go and laughed and said, "I am right being comfortable and I celebrate my inner wimp!!! YAAAAAAAAAWP!" (Dead Poets Society reference there.) And here I am of couse up "too late" again the next night, not allowing myself to be confident.

    I'd love to read some of your posts or thought-dumps to see where you got yourself unhooked . Maybe I'll hunt around on this forum.

    I've been feeling this evening, Wow, I REALLY don't want to force myself to go to b ed, I REALLY dont' want to force myself to go to bed...and then also finding myself wrong for sleeping only 5 hrs. a night...and you know what? It's fine! I may be able to find myself right for doing either thing...

    Oh, yeah, this part of me just doesn't want to turn off the computer because the abe forum is here, and it wants to play, it wants to feel good specifically here, ...

    OK, I guess I'll give it another five minutes.

    What subjects are there?
    Wanting to read a post or write one that makes me feel good.
    Want to feel REALLY REALLY SWEETLY good.
    Seeing a back yard from some house in childhood, cousins--a peaceful enclosed feeling adn a hammock.
    Want to know what itt is that could get me in the vortex.
    Want to know what the things are I "have to" fix with action journeys to get rid of them so I can safely spend time here and now going into the vortex and feeling good.
    finding self wrong for not being emotionally open ot the people on this forum but rather relating to them solely from a selfish point of view, as help for feeling good.
    afraid I'm becoming more vulnerable with people and am feeling more in the moment--danger, danger, I might fall in love with someone!!! (In particular this person who I started out feeling really sexually attracted to and then just felt a lot of fun kinship with and the sex part seemed to disappear and then now there's this weird fear that I'm falling in love with her and am going to have to play a role and be really emotionally present and not just have fun for all eternity) Gosh, whoever writes the thoughts in my brain is a real nut-job.
    Maybe it's just that my feet are REALLY COLD since the floor is not well insulated and i am essentially living over the front porch, or maybe it's that I'm emerging as a more powerful teacher. Noticing that Abraham doesn't realy just sit there and allow people to ramble forever but does talk a lot, and my style has been so passive, which I love, but maybe it's time I let more out (oh, action journey--hold on a sec)

    OK, subject, accidentally falling in love with this person:
    fear--I'll lose control
    fear--I'll have to be trapped in something forever
    fear--I'll have to lie/pretend
    fear--I'll have to be open and truly alive and uncomfortable
    rage--I don't want to have to do things that aren't just natural for me
    rage --I don't want to find myself wrong for my habitual way of joking around and being emotionally distanced and "making women into my male-friends"
    rage I don't want to have to figure this out
    fear if I fall in love won't I have to be spending all my time being with that person rather than getting to hang out on this forum and do vibrational processes?

    better feeling toughts; I don't seem to be in love yet, so it's _not a crisis_ at this point.
    --it may be that I really am being influenced by the fact that my feet are REALLY COLD
    --most of those requiremenst I fear listed above are utterly ludicrous, adn falling in love wouldn't have to mean any of those would come true or stay true
    --the whole concept of "falling in love" is premised on the same false premises as the rest of all culture and literature, and what's really possible is being aligned with my own Inner Being, who will never break up with me, require me to perform for him/her, or diminish my fun

    OK, feel a little better. And now I'm going to bed....

    gnight


    Joshua

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