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Thread: JoshuaDM

  1. #11
    JoshuaDM's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
    Boston, MA
    OK, I'm feeling a little nervous that I'm overstaying my welcome here and overrelying on support, but I really really want to feel good, and "ruthlessness in the pursuit odf pleasure is commendable" (--Victo Baranco). OK.

    So, a coulpld of subject on my mind

    making my e-book of my novel
    making my ebook of m poems
    probelms associated with each
    time delay
    my body's discomofort
    health in working at computer
    time management
    need for nap/sleep
    emotional eating
    over-dependence (?) on Abe forum
    coldness of my d-mn #$#[email protected] floor
    lack of excercise
    lack of being in the vortex/difficulty staying n (rage)
    what other people are thinking of me
    use of my time for art whn I "should" be working on immeidate income-producing actviities (one's that have proved to bgenerate income in past)
    alignment with nature's timing
    problems associated with napping between hours of 12:30 and 2:30 (1-3, adjusted for location within time zone)
    competence at getting clear guidance from Spirit
    tension in stomach
    connection to the human rcae generally

    ok making a call here to someone who's also experienced the feeling of being isolated...sort of inspired action...

    thanks team!

  2. #12
    JoshuaDM's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
    Boston, MA
    add'l subjects
    my worth in valuing my action partner/focusing well enough on his positive aspects (lack of worth in failing and seeing again unwatned aspects)
    finding myself wrong for not attracting a "better" action partner (not having vibrated him out of my experience--productivity goal)
    not having held a boundary with someone who didn't show up for a divination this morning and didn't offer to pay
    worry that I can't trust the universe to supply the money I need/want
    my sobriety in UA

    OK, last one is a biggie:
    though: I'm not sober in UA because I've been using my time compulsively and running into un-remembered obstacles since I didn't keep track of them
    feeling: fear, pain, rage, powerlessness
    better: I have made an effort to learn about a way to get more money into my life today
    I've found out a zero-investment tool and now I know what other actions I need to take
    If they didn't work out before and I didn't get the poems I needed from those other people, I'm not on the hook for the results (responsible for them but not wrong for not generating them)
    I'm really pissed that the voices in my head are going to judge me for how I've spent my time today when it was eminently reasonable
    If I look at this from a detached perspective, everything I've been doing today has been fine.
    Maybe this is the most realistic direction for me to go in at this time
    If I were really in the vortex my activity might look something like that anyway
    More will be revealed
    Maybe it's OK for me to do whatever it takes to get into the vortex right now before I do anything else, and maybe that's not making the error of "slapping the happy sticker" over the problems or putting a motor on my boat but maybe I really just am that hungry for a list of positive things right now.

    OK, I'm going for it:
    I appreciate my ten-year vision
    I remember now that I really want to put that up on this site, and that I think I'll REALLY enjoy that
    I love the feeling of having plants growing all around me, and ones that I've chosen and that I'm giving as gifts to my sweetie too, that make her happy
    I love that we have a plum tree, I love the feeling of a plum tree, they're so still and thin and somber, so friendly and approachable and shy, and plums are so modest and unassuming
    I love that the land everywhere around me is teeming with lfie, with plants , their verticality, their crodingness, their community
    I love that they are all tcuhing the earth, as I love to be touching the Earth, and te way they just can't ever get too much earth in their day
    I love the way they wave back and forth in the wind and straggle back and forth as they reach upward for the sun, not really in any kind of serious hurry
    I loev how they're always in the vortex, and never have to do any accounting or file self-empoment taxes or sales tax
    I feel angry tha I've held myself out of alignment wiht the belief of my inner being that I can have all of htis, and I am now allowing myself the sweet indulgent pleacsure of accepting that it's a possibility
    I love th efeeling of freedom and enjoyment that I get when I'm thinking about being in my garden and the peace and tranquility and excitement and skipping hoppoing bouncing around, and hte sky overhead nestling me, and the pokingness of the plants into the air, and the friendliness of an upside-down wheelbarrow, and the harmony among hte people who garden here, the total freedom to focus solely on pleasure and productivity without the need to adjust our behavior to meet what otheres say is proper behavior
    I love how my vision changes constnatly and is always alive and organic,
    I love hte feeling of the asparagus with its little hairs on it, like antennae but softer and greener and more tickl
    I love the buzzing and humming sensaton from all of nature
    I love writing aboyt this visoin as a main wauy of moving closer to it, rather than forcing myself to do research or tracking down links or worrying or whatever else I'ev done in the past
    I love the bauty of the language that's coming through my mind now a I make this paean to my garden.
    I love the feeling of having a beautiful place in which to welcome the guest and have him/her sit down.
    I love the balnce, stability, richness ofenergies and siol and minerals and air, the environmental cleansing that's been done and the shifting of my thoughts in relation to nature htat's allowed me ot see moe and more and appreciate more and more of its power and beauty.
    I love that ifeel special
    I love that I get to play here the way I used to when I played with my marbleruns in thebasement in childhood
    I loe the songbirds' breasts, the way they curve and the way theyir heds squat into their necks and they look around in various directions, pointing their beaks, impervious to others opinoins of them, and the way tehy always sit with aliveness and posture and poise, even though they have no necks, and their eyes are always watching the world, never dodging or looking away, and how they are friendly to the plants and want to sing to them to help them grow more richly, and how they lvoe doing their job, and never get tired and never want to take a break, and how the singing is unhurried and flows in its own rhythm, and how they bob up and down on the swaing branches as if nothin were happening, as if it were the most stable plae to sit in the world, indifferent.
    I love their feathers, the many many different feather ofeach bird, how each kind is painted totally differently, and how many colors get used and how much detail the artist puts in, and how fine the lines of hte edges of each feather, and the epfection of the curve of hte neck and into the beak, and the expression of the face, and the matching curve of hte forehead, the crown, .
    I see a hummingbird and I love how the ruby-throated hummer zooms in on its flower, putting all its speed of motion into stillness so it can sip unhurriedly, so it can sip for a long time, tis every feature designed for sipping, for drinking out of deep daylilies orange and funnelshaped and thick on their thick stalks, far over the dark ground, far over the wide spae.
    I love their little heads nd their smaller eyes, adn their peircingness of beak, their concentration on getting a drink, tlike the kids in school whokept asking to go get a drink as an ecuse to get back into alignment with themselves for a few minutes, their unquestioning passion for gettinga drink of that flower, their lack of concenr over hether th eflower is going to be full or empty, whether the flower likes it or not, their willineness to try another flower if the first one is used up, their having all day to do nothing but rummage flowers, theeir excitement at hte many leaves of hte daylilliies equal to the love of the floeewers because they know that the one produces the other and so love them both equally.
    The curve of the sky, teh steadiness of the sky, the stillness of it, the pulsing of it, the evenness of it as distinct from the many-directioned braches of the ttree, the way the sky doesn't get wrinkled no matter how many tangled trees pass before it, no matter ow hard they might try ot ruffle it, no mattter how man trees have tried over the generations of trees, fathers and sons, no matter ho wide spread their attacks over the whole of the planet, no matter how many moe they will amass in the pursuit. The wrmth of the ky, the steadiness of it, the sending-down-of-joyness of the sky, reflecting brightness, holdign the louds, storing them for however long they want to stay up there, carrying the buckts of rain for us, squiaarting on my garen just the right amount of rain, watering everywhre thoroughly, watering in each little spot in each crevice in each little massage-with-fingers point, soothing into every corner wherever it needs and soaking it in to a good depth, theearth sucking the water down wihts its channels like a sponge, because its designedto drink water down as much as the hummingbird, because it has a structure to it and is an alive organism and not simply a pile of random molecules, because it is a ssentient beig with a personality and a focus, becuse it is always thirsty ofr the exact amount of rain the sky is going ot give it, because it waits for rain wiht a patiene that teaches us about the vortex, because it is always redy and always hungry and laways in love wiht the sky, always loving, always loving the sky, always wanting er, always, yearning and patient, yearning and still, loving wtihout drama or pretense, happy to see her lover every day.

    I appreciate my garden for speaking these words to me and giving me the sensatons that I could translate into words, giving it to me in feeligns that are so blissful to feel ratehr than in some form that might not have eben as playful, for giving it ot me in a way that makes me feeli like I'm in my garden already today, in what-is reality, or eve better than any what-is garden I've ever been in, and sis giving me all these tidbits. A fountain and birdbath for the bids, (and elementals) , a fountain that is always burbling so that theire is the moemory of burbling boroks here. TTTTThe burblingness of that water contrasting to the evenness of the blue sky, the curvingness of the burbles and the flatnesss of the sky making a good combo, the stone of the fountain basin, the straightness of its curve, different from either of the other two, holdingness and steadiness, silence and compassionate love, holding up all the burbles and not dropping any, not letting any thoruhg ahead of time, letting them drop evenly and beautifully, steady, still, white gleaming stone, rock in the sun.

    I love how there are earthworms meandering back and forth in the soil, how they feel fist ight then leeft when they come out, try one way and then the other and then make a choice, take hte better coce all times, how they are so soft and rubberiy and slimy, the little bump ring around their necks the same on every one, how they are yellowish and brownish and long and no eyes, how they eseem to ocntinue on just fine evne thoug hteh ydon't have eyes, not worried about the absecne of eyes, just exploring the world anyway, finding hte bird bath base and the rocks hot in the csun and the roots of vegetables and the hot asphalt of driveways and the craks among the flagstones, finding the ways in among craks and making their labyrints of tunnels for the tilling of the soil to soak u rain, to eat up rain and stoe it in the earth's stomach. I love the army of eartworms detailed for a peace mission, reassigned to fertilize the yard, making castings eveywhere, making their little hills for worhsip, leaving them for anyone els to use or step on, squiggly litle hills, teamwork. I love how they are all gentle to me and all love m, how if I rescued one from the rain some tim eit feels goo to see them crawling along again on good earth.

    I love potatoes, how they are with their dark outsie and big white inside, the scaliness of the potatoets and the bulkiness, throbbingness, bulousness, . I love how one vegetable or animal after another has called ot me to be included in this garden, wihtout any effort on my par. I love the cardinal, the unabashed red, like a flames-paint-job on a Buick, shameless red and pointness, I am the king of all birds and don't you doubt it, I have my litle black face to hold inside this giant costume of red, I have an orange beaktoo to magch and don't you doubt it, I have the shoulder pad sto match and I'm a bulkyu little guy and I have scaly legs. I am not going to hang around too much, you'll have to be aligned if you want to see me more than once in a blue moon. Iam not going to sin for you except in the spring time, and you'll never see me then, only if your'e lucky.

    Wow. I had no idea THAT was going to happen. Incredible.

  3. #13
    JoshuaDM's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
    Boston, MA
    I am so appreciative of the microbes in my body
    I am so excited about the idea of giving them everything they want to be in balance, minerals and trace minerals and flower essences and enegy processes, so that they can have the balancethey want and support my life rather than my departing from alignment, and so I can feel full and free like in a field running barefoot!

  4. #14
    I like your rampage!!

  5. #15
    Super Kitty Marc's Avatar
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    May 2008
    Tempe, Arizona, USA
    Quote Originally Posted by JoshuaDM View Post
    But enough about me, what do you think about me?
    What I think about you is none of your business (even though it's all good stuff).

  6. #16
    JoshuaDM's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
    Boston, MA
    Good one! ha!

    OK, i'm going to say some things I appreciate again...hold on while we make the jump to warp speed...

    I appreciate the feeling on the top of my head as I did the first part of this microbial thingy, a confirmation that something was happening!
    I appreciate that J__ sends me the coolest links ever, and that they are always resources that are of an excelent standard, adn will be truly useful for any urban homestead or rural one that is forming, always on-point, constructive and actionable, rather than self-righteous, angry, or irrelevant, and that the people who've creatd them aer so full of enthusiasm, centered-ness, poise, and gratitude

    I appreciate that I can type with my eyes clsoed and feel the signals from my body
    I really appreicate feeling teh signals from the back of my neck as I type, and how Ibegin to feel more like a virtuoso pinaist and am even making fewer typoes I think...and I appreciate that earlier tody I eve elt that if I had a temp job in an office (Whic has been oen of my revcurring worst fears) that I'd be able to handle it because I'd now be so aware of my body's guidance sytem and emotinal guidance system that I'd be

    I appreciate that I can feel what's going on in my jaw, how I have been making these micro-movements of tensing there, and that I am aware of where I am in my min's eye, the pinao room up at the music school when I was a kid, te weird glsass ceiling of the second-to-top floor, a disturbed feeling, ...great to be aware of what I'm pereiving and what I'm feeling...some pan d anger
    I appreciate that I can continually reconnect to this forum and to my own sense of reality no matter how muhc others are convinced of theies, and no matter how many of htem tehre are who are convinced of it..
    I apreicate hat I have an instantaneous guidance system, that's always with me, and that it I can trust, I KNOW I can trust it, I dnt even need anyone else to tell me I can trust it, I just know it, by the commutative property of knowing--I don't even need Abraham to tell me I can trust it.

    But I appreciate that they do, that they tell me it again and again in slightly different ways, like snoflakes athat are not eve quite the same, but are always snoflakes, fingerrints, and I appreciate how they never try to tell me something that I don't believe, never talking out of inscurity or moralism, and really delivering the truh, so I can get a sample of what that experience is like and then I can alway srecognize it again later when I encounter it in the world or when I reencounter it in Abe.

    I appreciat the images of naure that flowe to me sometimes spontaneously now, r.

    I appreiate the body language of that open source sustainability guy, who's clearly happy and his work obviouly has himf eel serene and free and just --happy!

    I apreciate taht my ancestor J____ seems to have gottn in touch with me through my new friend, and wants to help me, to tell me something about stuff I'm experiencing so maybe I can have an easier time...I so appreciate having help with this.

    I appreciate that I am abel to eblieve in the dead's presence on erth, the help they can provide, and feel deserving of help

    I appreciate taht I can feel what's going on in my lowr back, and now in the butt, and now on the side of th leg, and in my head, back of the ehad, front, jaw, what's in m neck, heart, breth, etc.

    I appreciate that I no longer eel any sense of obligaiton to ecercise, or follow directions, or any sense of inadequcy for not doing tehse things, and only do what feels guided, what feels good. and then leave something of service to others. No fulfilling obligations just because they're "good for me" becauseI know they're not, only what helps myalinment is good for e.

    I ppreciate that I got to go hiking in the White Mountains wiht my dad when I was a kid, the man y many many green trees all staning vertically togehter there, oso potent...and (pain in right buttock) how that image just recurred to me today.

    I appreciate that I can be this aware of the signals from my body and also get them into words, so that they feel complete, tha they've been hard and aattended to, I love the feeling of relief that it brings me to note the micro-tensions in the back of my neck or shoulders...rage...I love that I dn't feel obgilated to accomplish anything, that I only want to accomlish my own alignment and trust htat the imapct I will he by doing that will be far greater than if I set up a non-pforit and then got funding and then got a bunch of employees or volunteers adn then got the mdonuts and tehn had a celebration for them and chraged 40 a plate for more funcraisn g etc. etc., when I can just ssend good thought sto the people I passs every day.

    I appreciate tha shares in th meeting today, especialy the one about how godo it ould feel to have friends who really were able ot won their stuff, ot allow oneself to give onself that level of sanity, that level of self-respect--oh liss What a releif, what a revelation, how hedonistic that sounds Deliciousl hedonistic!

    I appreciate the snppets o dreams coflashing back to me...

    good night!

  7. #17
    JoshuaDM's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
    Boston, MA

    Trying to feel relief from old biggie fear vibration thing

    6 2112 34=7140.1458=236

    I am feeling afraid.

    Subject: my worth, in area of artistic expression/acheivment
    thought:I need to be a starving artist, which means having not enough food (and I have plenty of food right now) and I need to be not having medcine paid for by my arents and I need to b supporting myself competely on the earnings of my art which must be meager enough to restric my frieedom, or else I'm not a truly worthwhile person.

    (This as triggered by reading a few paragraphs of a New Yorkarts paper, whose reflective negativity felt palpably tocic o me, but I did't turn away in time...and the trigger felt completely real)

    better feeling thought: I am inherently worthy, according to Abe, and have felt myself to be so, infiinitely,
    It doesn't make any sense that pure positive energy, a creator, could be worth so little as I've been imagining myself to be worth just for not having had a career similar to another artist
    if I choose to be happy I am y end up successful too, but if I choose to be successful I'm unlikely to be happy, nad if I choose to be happy and am unsuccessful that will mean I'm happy and don't care about not being successful, so that's a really sure way to win and a sane way of proceeding.
    I can see other ways of responding to this stimulus than fear or attempting to force myself to change in some way.
    I can listen to the signals from my body, which are telling me about, reminding me of, a much richer sensory world in which my response to stimuli can be more balanced and open, less startle-reflexed, and

    art-making could emerge from a happy place instead of an unhappy one, and could be even better than the unhappy-place-started art I've made in the past.

    I'm sure if I saw an artist who was truly on fire and was in need I'd find a way to share my meal with her/him.

    I do a lot for my art already, I'm on food stamps and disability and work my day job already,.

    The compulsion to make theater feels the same way the compulsion to do bdsm or the compulsion to work an office job did, and so it's clear hat it's just an emotional patter rather than a reality that was created by something external to myself.

    I am feeling some anger now at the fact that I have believed I was required to make great art first before I could feel worthy and feel good about myself.

    When I've been at my Thursday ACA meeting I've definitely felt unexpectedly allowed to feel anger and self-acceptance about things I hadn't thought anyone was allowed to get upset about or desire to have different, and that's felt like a big and true relief.

    This is probably about my sexuality again, rather than about my actual worth. gr.

    Probably the whole cast of Great Artists who seem to populate my mind as a sea of jurors are mostly a projectin and were fairly dysfunctional people, misaligned with their sources, and would hae been much greater artists if they'd been happy people like Geoethe
    My sweetheart doesn't care a fig if I'm not a good artist, she finds me sexy no matter what I do.
    Making art can be so much fun that I don't think about the need to be starving for it or any of that stuff. Gr.
    I like the M___ groups, they're the most pleasurable kind of theater for me today, and when I participate in those I get to have total interactivity and total reality -relevance an closeness and community and artistic expression all at once, why would I want to go back to performing before strangers, like anonymous sex?

    Fear list:
    maybe I really do want to go back to making theatre, and I'm trying to talk myself out of it because I want to run away from fear, numb out, and avoid through an action journey something I can only handle through an emotinoal journey that I'm apparently unwilling to take
    fear--I'm too incompetent to take the emotional journey
    too chicken. Inherently flawed.
    Even the emotional journey scares me, even though I know it's not a real (action journey is more real?) journey.
    [Dream from last night--Muslim woman praying under the building in praise of beer, even thought she didn't drink the stuff[
    What image am I seeing in my mind's eye? black box theatre, the stillness of the room, the emptiness of the air, the squareness of the corners of the ceiling, the scary lights, the metal bars up there, the echoiness, the stench of adrenalin in the air, my stomach tense, jaw tense, shoulders tense, back of neck right shoulder, right arm, right buttock,
    Presumably I've already gone on the worst, most unpleasant part of the emotinoal journey, by feeling the fear about this subject. It's only up the scale (and down the stream) from here...
    fear--R_____ S_______ (19th Century academic and clairvoyant and superhuman who seems to have been right about absolutely everything) -- he's saying if I don't commit myself entirely to a life of poverty and art I'm going to burn my soul in a hell realm, and while it's true that I should go live in a more healthy farm-like environment, in order to keep up with deserving that life I'll have to work brutally hard, gruelingly, and be hyper-awake and vigilant as I'm walking down the beautiful grass paths in the still air with hte brown trunks floating nearby. Gr. rage.

    I'm only feeling a little better, this one is a hard one...may take a few days to shift, or maybe it's just a blip and will lose its hold soon....

  8. #18
    JoshuaDM's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
    Boston, MA
    OK, I'm checking in for today on the list. It's interesting that anyone searching on the net could find what I post here, even if they're not looking for Abe-related stuff--I found it by searching for "chateau latif" earlier! Hm...

    Anyway, I am typing with my eyes closed so I can feel my body's sgnals more easily and be reminded to hear my emotinal guidance system too, and right now I'm feeling tired and angry, frustrated, a bit powerlesss.

    I had been feeling wonderful over the summer, really nestling in the Abe stuff and not trying to do anything thrugh action, and had been hoping I was going to have soem really fun work show up, and it hasn't yet...I'd like to get ak to those feelings though, in the mornings, getting on the call after brekfast and feeling the summer air outsie, and hearing the birds, and really enjoying the sound of the birds, and being awak enough to actually stay awake through the ole call, andf eeling so close to everyone on the call, like we were all sharing an intimae journey toghterin a space ship, flying toward the truths that Abraham wouas stating over and over so that we graudally began ot take them seriously and believe them...

    I remember lying down in the grass one day and smelling the grass and feeling so good, and thinking if I lay down in hte grasss every day liike this surely I'd be so much healthier than I have been...and now I'm working again, and it's's draning and frustrating but I can make peace iwth it, sort of...but maybe I'm also really angry, that the students don't appreciate me more, tha they don't seize on the opportunity to get free and milk me for all I hav to offer, that they don't seem to recognize me as the opposite of school, as a person who'd be able to provide them toehe key out of Nyway, I have stated what is, and I want to shift m vibraiton on my life asa whole at this time.

    I only hae to tutor a few time a week to make my rent.
    I can spend hte rest of the time doing vibratiobnal processes or doing nothing and allowing ideas to come to me.
    I have so many good thigns coming to me, so many resources and amusements, the sunlighting indoors thing and the eloptic energy thing and the poem abotu my garden that came through me the other day and the haering the many many signals from my body today that I wrote down while I was on the train, and the purpose dialgoue with source stuff, and the informaiton on how ot pickle thigns and how to make sauer kraut, and the book on indoor rowing and the information about urban farms, gr--tried to visit one today and no one was there and it was closed......and I have this list, I can go here every da
    I live with people
    I had a great mark group party
    I havd a great time leading my A meeting and felt really good during it and the phone beeped at me to confirm that SPirit was present and hearing what I was saying, and it just happened to happen during the time I was sharing about that very person whose phone causes those beeps...
    have the conscious co-creation with nature books and flower ssences
    I ahve my raw chocolate in the mornings
    I have more poems coming through me every day
    I probably have one tryign to come through right now
    i haev a therapist who has done telekinesis and --wow, that just struvk me, that's pretty cool, how lucky I am to have a therpaist who not only doesn't think I'm crazy for havin done telekinesis but as done it herself...whosw, sh-t, that's pretty amazing. _My Therapist Does Telekinesis and Other Stories_ By Josh DM. Wow. OK, oK I have an interesting life, that's for suer.
    (Why do I find my daily life so boring today? wanting it to be more lined up wiht my goals, with my dream, my vision...)
    I have the ling-on-the floor twitching healing practice, and the kunlun, and regular meditation, and calling on the ancestors, and my konombile friend, and all these otehr spiritual tools for creating balance with nature and getting money and other necessary supplies...

    I'd like to manifest a bunch of fiber-optic cables, a bunch of lenses like those on those sites, and some coper wire and copper plates...that woud be nice...and also some vintamin a, b-complex, niacin, e, molypdeum, chromium, calcium, iron, boron, sulpheur and pure sualt...

    I have t"the poetry that creates worlds" -- the fun of poetry in the moment, of integrated with the present poetry, of situational poetry...downstream of where I'd been...I have the ocean poem, and I have the ocean experience...I

    I have the pleasure of inventing or recombining ideas to serve my desries....

    I have the fun of tuning my vibrations on many subjects, and the delignt in realizeing when another thign has been a subject of my attention even though I'd thought it wasn't somethign I thoguht about at all, hadn't noticed it.

    I hav the idea at least that my best way of starting out my day is to get in the vortex first thing, and leave off doing anything else until 've gotten in there...

    I have the stories peple have told on this forum of maniefestatons of thigns working out while being in th evortex, of them not being struck by lightning or told by teh gods to pay a fine for their pleasure,

    I have the second twelve steps.

    I have my room neater than it's ever been, and that sorta feels I've successfully gotten revenge on m clutter

    I have this capacity ot transcend caring aout the fact thatI'm not involved in a film project or reading my posm at readings or participating in the cultural life in an cmpetitive way, in any way other than reading aloud from my novel to a safe group of artists every week, and enjoying it...

    I have the pleasure of reading my own novel to myself and relishing the descriptions of nature in it

    I have the fun of chateau latif (crakcs me up!!!) ad the knowing that an elf gave him the name, it has to be, it's too perfect

    I have the fascinatinon of that dream ffolast night, the mulsim girl singing a call to prayer that was in praise of beer, even though muslims don' drink beer, btu she seemed every strong and not possible to control

    I have the money ot pay my bils at this time...
    I have money coming to me on Thrusday to pay for dinner at that restaurant that sells only food tgrown in the same neighborhoood

    I got to spend a week on a homestad and eat eggs from their chickens and drink their home-made kombucha and hav eraw mlik and raw milk isce cream hoem made and omemade butter--ooh!--and all of it raw--and liver and oninos from the cow they'd raised and salughtered there hte year before, and frsh fresh tomatoes from their mineral-rich soil garden.

    I have my partly aticulated vision that's gotten some people inquiring about it for my ten-year dream life, and a lot of great tools for getting there...

    I have my lover, at least part of the time, and she's so sweet it's totally crazy thats h'es interested in a sourpuss like me, though I guess I've been making a real efor to be more positie this past year...

    I have parents who are somewhat supprtive of my deisr to live in the country or near a farm and live close to the earth.

    OK, I am feeling angry, and I need to rip off the smily-face sticker. I feel ngrythat I'm not close ro the earth yt, and that I don't know what aciton to take next, I'm brimming wiht desire to be gardening, to be taking action, but I don't know whatto do...I don't feel like waiting any longer to get an inspiraiotn...I want to know now, andI want to be being usefl wiht my energies...I want to shift this me, inner Being, give me a better-feeling thought than powerlessness...I feel really annoyed that I'm so alonewith my ideas, that I only get to tlak about what I'm doin, abotu what's REALLY important to me, maybe four or five time a week, instead of having it be somethign that fills nine-tofive!!! gr!!!!!!!!!! I want my stuff, where's my stuff? I want my fiberoptic cable and my coper wires and my coper plate, and I want my minerals for my soil and I want my soil and my pots not pplastic oensplaease and I want my olive tree growing next to me and I want my toateo plants growing year round in doors and I want my improved manner of us and I want my many mrk groups a week and I want my many twelve-step meetings with mark group format a week and I want people to come to me for uncoaching and to be getting tremendous benefit from reflecting on right quesitons and being listened to and fin their businesses ake off...I want to matter, and I wwant he way forward to be clear, and I want to be doing ritual with peopel rather than having business meetings that go nowhere...I want guidance, I want clarity, I want to pulish my novel as an open-source document, I want to know how to do that, I want to be read, I want to be!!!!!

    thanks for reading anyone who's read this far, it helps, any bit of attnetion helpsme feel supported in my attempt to find a better-feeling thought and take responsibility for m vibrations....

  9. #19
    JoshuaDM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Boston, MA
    I just was in a funk, and realizing I had a lot of fear about not deserving the good feelings and magic of my spiritual community--then I got a nice private mesage on this forum and got to talk about my favorite aspects of one of my favorite books, and it lifted me right out!

    So I'll do a little focus-wheeling just to keep this in a better vibration...

    fear: if I take the medicine of the village, and have all that power, then I'll have to work a menial job like K______ doing housecleaning in order to deserve it and keep it grounded, and the job will have to be scary and painful and unwanted majorly
    better-feeling thought: I can allow in the medicine of the village and allow my livelihood as well, in whatever way I serve best and have fun
    the others on the phone call tonight have their viewpoint, but I don't have to share it, I am free to have mine
    I don't even really know what their viewpoint is, only my projection of what they might believe
    I feel completely free of that belief of a few minutes ago, and my felt sense clearly tells me that I am seeing truth now.
    I am so appreciative of my ten-year vision and how I get resources for it that are ridiculously powerful and awesome falling toward me from all angles and all the time in completely unanticipated ways, each one a delight and so amusing and exciting and fun and love-filled and beautiful!!!!



  10. #20
    JoshuaDM's Avatar
    Join Date
    Jul 2010
    Boston, MA
    I appreciate the tides, the way the it's so easy to get to the ocean to feel the energies of the salt and water spirits, the way it's so easy and they've already downloaded to me the poem they sent me, and how I get to go there again and have a whole new poem, and how I know when the tide is going to change this time, in exactly 3 hours, so I can know more or less when it's going to be shifting in me, and I love how the abstracted concepts of the water, of the color and horizontality and movement and rising and shiftingness are producing certain kinds of pleasures in me separate from what the actual ocean was able to produce in me, a vortex-ocean as well as the real ocean, and I love how I don't need anyone else to appreciate the ocean in quite the same way I appreciate it in order for me to be free to appreciate it. I love the washingness of ocean and the way its fingers reach into all the crevices and the way its touch is soothing and motherly and patient and tompletely at peace, such powerful deep peace, such erotic pleasure, such certitude.

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