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Thread: JoshuaDM

  1. #21
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    OK,

    I want to look at something here: why I've pushed money away, and what I want to think about money instead...

    fear: if I had a lot of money then I'd be one of the people at a social gathering who I've always looked down on, for lacking spiritual development
    if I had a lot of money I'd be one of those people who I think is out of touch with doing things themselves and blinded (oh, it's __:__, the numbers of my birth, lucky!) by the placebo effect money offers
    if I had a lot of money then I'd actually have to go shopping instead of getting to just write the nuymbers on my E--- spreadsheet in the Prosperity Game, which I don't even play anymore since I'm too lazy and don't seem to make the time or find it makes me feel too much insecurity or pain or something...
    if I had a lot of money I'd have no excuses to hide behind for my lack of decisiveness
    or my lack of taking charge in relationships with women
    or my failure to fight a good fight in politics
    I'd feel all sorts of uncomfortable feelings like those I hear from people in my programs who have suddenly come into money and want to clutter up their apartments and never go out and can't stand to do their numbers anymore
    I'd still be trapped in the money game
    I'd have to make tough decisions
    all my friends would be after my money, and I wouldn't know who was really a true friend anymore
    I would have to get clean in another progrma I"ve delayed working because I could always say my money situation was more urgent--and that program would be very rough, very black and white, very physical, and very physically painful and scary, and the emotions that would come up there would be overwhelming (rage)
    I'd have an even harder time going out in the world and being social and relating to people like a normal person, since I'd be able to stay home evne more, and I might just let all the money run down to zero again and then have to go out and get work again and it would be even more painful than it is right now.

    slightly better-feeling thought:
    I'm kind of enjoying the money situation I have right now, where I worka little and earn a little
    I am really enjoying learning about moneyless ways of making food and contributing to the world or enjoying myself.

    More fears: If i tried to keep my money a secret it would certainly leak out, since it's always leaked out and I've always been really afraid of having the secrets I already have
    every time I've watched a movie since beign in recovery I've had anxiety or even terror come up about how I live my life, and if I had a lot of money that effect would be exaggerated.
    with more money I'd probaly live an even less disciplined life
    I'd be even lousier about tending my vibraiton
    I would slip into more addictions
    I'd lose my lover
    even if I put hte money toward freeing her from her job and repairing her health, she'd still be with me only as much as money allowed, and still would love G___ more than me
    what I'm really afraid of is subtle energetic forces, and that's what I've always been afraid of, it's never been about money at all, that was always an illusion and if I had a lot more money that would still be what it was about
    I can only find my true heart in poverty, in giving myself to things in spite of being surrounded by seeming scarcity, that's how my presence has always counted for something with people is that they saw how big a sacrifice I made even in doing a little thing
    I would become a lousy poet if I had money
    I'd have to eat only in private like Saint-Germaine, and so I'd never share another meal with a friend again (that's really speculation, I don't know for a fact that he had to eat alone, just not in public, and anyway that might not apply to me, I really know next to nothing about his situation)
    I wouldn't get to eat as much as I wanted anymore
    I would have to be ever-vigilant
    The only things that matter to me are what other people think of me anyway, and money would only make that worse
    V___ and the teachers would disapprove of me and think me less worthy for having easy money, and they're not only super-emlightened but also hedonistic, so of course their opinion would matter to my happiness (gr, rage)

    OK, wow, wtih all of that going on, it's no wonder I'd be a little hesitant about really allowing that kind of money into my life. Fortunately, with laying all of those out like that, I can say I really don't believe most of them, written out they just look absurd. But others of them are realy convincing.

    There's a piece about sexuality that's at the root of this too.

    If I had all the money I wanted and could spend my time however I chose, I would be free to explore my sexuality, and my mother would be ashamed of me and wouldn't love me.
    I've always been able to "be special" by not having any sexual desires, by being "above" that, and if I had all that money then I wouldn't have any way of distracting myself from those sexual desires.


    OK, on the subtle spiritual forces thing:
    better-feeling thoughts: If I had more money that wouldn't in any way cause me to be more suscpetible to those subtle forces, since the one thing has nothing to do with the other
    --my loving Inner Being would only want me to prosper and to hbe happy, and any subtle threats to my happiness or safety are simply my disallowing of well-being
    I coul allow more financial well-being, and more spiritual wellbeing at hte same time.
    (anger) (grief)
    pdream from last night, in A____'s house, for a PRG, the spaciousness of the hosue, the longness of that hallway with the people waiting for theelevator, the giddiness of that hallway, happiness of being up in a hallway by an elevator bank, the verticality ofthe walls, the coziness of that deep-maroon rug...)if I had the means to pay my self-emplooyment tax easily thi year and really gave myself the supporrt I want and allowed people to love me in my wealthy as in my poverty, I might be pretty happy, and I might even feel appreciaton the way I did when that extra $144 appeared unexpectedly in my bank aclcount.
    I might be able to let go of my resentmenest of otherpeople in program, of m udgments of them and of their viewpoints, of my hatred and jealousy of htem, of my pain at their successes and certainty that hard work makes wealth, of their not-knowing about hte teachigns ofAbraham and the lawas of hte universe, of their not knowing of my abilities and worth nad what I offer t he world, I might be able to love them nad feel happy having htem arond and be loved by them,.


    new fear--I'd have to go across country if I got ab unch of money and spread hte UA message to everyone everywhere, orelse I wouldn't really be living.
    better--recovery is about inspired action, and if It feels scary to go out in the country then I get to sit myself down and make program calls and turn over the fear and teget support all day ifI have to unti lI reach the point when I feel totally ready to go, and I get to give myself every bit of suppport even if it means calling every single perosn in the whole worldwide fellowship and asking em to pray forme
    Abraham hs said we don't have to face our feras at all, and those who keep oing things that they fear as an attempt to fix themselves only end up at a rather quick end, so I coud just chlll and alllow myself ot do thigns in a wimpy way and love myeslf for it.
    Going across country could be really fun, andI might be in the vortex more than I imagined.
    I'm starting to feel some anger that I always have to think I need to do extreme things in order to earn any good or pleasure.

  2. #22
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    Wouldn't it be nice if

    OK, I'm trying something different tonight, instead of reaching for relief from where I've been, I'm going to just go into the imagined stuff and see whehter I can achieve lift-off.

    Wouldn't it be nice if I could continue to see the snow in my mind's eye today (I can, it seems--woohoo!)
    Wouldn't it be nice if I could fully feel all my anger and alllow it to move through me and allow me to keep tuning up my vibraiton to reach joy.
    Wouldn't it be nice if I could feel I really loved myself regardless of what hte people in program thought of me.
    wouldn't it be nice ifI could completley feel serene in my relationships with my two students.
    Wouldn't it be nice if I could feel totally happy about working, ad look forward to it, and find my gifts valued and my intelligence of use and my intuitive ability and stensitivity put ot use, and my respect for people's natural timing and for my own timing of use.
    Woudln't it nice if my stddent reflected on the question I asked him about what is his own tming and found it to be not a stupid question but an extraordinarily useful one.
    Wouldnti t be nice if the hundred-yeard-down-the-road impact of what I do on a daily basis could be more easily detected sensorily today, in my emotional guidance system...

    Gr, rage, I really feel pained...gosh...ok, so what subject is it that's coming up?
    my feeling in my body. my body feels tense and stomach is hungry and raw and I feel grief since I think it would not be good for me to eat more onight, and yet I do feel very hungry, and I am fidnign myself wrong for not having clarity about whether this is head-hunger or real hunger. GR! And I am tense in my shoulders and the back of my neck istense. And I need a shave and my shaver is broken and my disposable razors expensive.

    OK, better-feeling thoughts here: maybe I can get back on track in a few minutes, just as I did the other night just by answering once question someone asked me.
    Maybe I will find a way to get in the ortex tomorrow, sicne I can focus on my alignment pretty much all day that day.
    Maybe I don't need to go do the housecleaning job in order to have enough money.
    Maybe I don't have to try any harder at tuotirng to be a good enough tutor to earn my pay.
    Maybe I don't have to keep remembering my students whenever I'm pouring water and can get whatever it isout of my vibratio by adjusting mythoughts on those or other subjects.

    Maybe I can feel good by listening to the signals coming to me from my body (oh, the ocean agin, the stillness of the ocean, teh arkness of the water, the clearness of it near, the gentleness of the lapping, the aroundness of the rocks. rage, the sky overhead, the flatness of the rock's slope, the pain in my right buttock, and back, oh, jaw right calf, left shoulder right leg, oh, the brilliance of the white of the snow everywhere ringing around me, the palpability of that poem that was downloaded to me, )
    Maybe I can stay up as lat as I honestly want tonight instead of sorto =letting myself be happy but really drawing hte line somehwere adn using force at that point. Gr. Rage!
    Maybe I can really give myself whatever will answer the signals from my body's tensions. Birch tree, out along the aqueduct, its silence, the spot where the fence has an opening, sweetness in my mouth, lusting after food.
    Maybe I can finally know what it was about the beauty of the snow and the ocean that made me feel SO good yesterday...(it was thinking about how I could eat another bunch of bread and it would be OK, I was thinking that if I did something I believed was bad for me then that would lower my vibration, but that I realized that maybe you could adjust your beliefs about something being bad for you and then you could do that thing with impunity, and then I thought maybe I could really just eat as much as I genuinely wanted and it would be OK, and I really felt this to be true in that moment, I felt it was certainly true, I felt it solidly and serenely, as I rode on the Six train back from the sea, and enjoyed the moving of the car without my effort at locomotion. Enjoyed still the whiteness of the snow outside, the silent whiteness. And something told me that I really was free, that I really could create the reality I wanted, and yet later that evening what did I find myself going to but an OK [sic] OA meeting, of all things, fellowship I've been trying to avoid, and I felt so nurtured there and held and allowed to be myself without pretense and just lay down my sword and shield and not have to put on a show for anyone anymore, I felt so supported by the circle, and I realized later that I had been assuming that I needed to continue to eat less than I wanted or even to starve myself in order to deserve to be given that kind of love, that kind of nurturing and supportingness, but that that was a mistaken assumption, that actually I might be able to get the love without restricting what I ate, and without obsessively measuring it, and that this might be a pleasurable rather than a painful experience. And I could create a reality in which I got to eat as much as I wanted, exactly that much and no less and no more, and feel really full, really filled up by the food, satisfied and satiated and blessed, nourisehd and fed and loved, full and content, and joyful, passionately devouring food but not tensely, not numbingly. Orgone soup, and locally grown food, and clarity.)
    Maybe I can allow in that clarity about how much to eat that I see others having.
    maybe they don't actually have what I've projected that htey have, and maybe I actually have morecliary than I've thoughtI had.
    Maybe I can let my Universal Manager decide for me and measure out hte right amount of food for me, or the right dynamic experiene of food in time, and rage maybe I can do vibrational processes and actually see an effect.

    Fear--my vibraitonal processes have all been neutralized by my overeating, since I've numbed out my emotional guidance system too much with to much food.
    Feeling_ rage.
    Bettter-feeling thought--oh, pain, ow, back--I feel rage at this voice, it's not true, it is my mother's voice, and I feel the pain and grief. I remember a snippet of my dream from last night, being in a place somehwere, a strange plae with a bunch of people...gr...brown wood place, floor, oh pain...
    maybe serenity and recovery in OA would feel really good.
    Maybe a genuine food plan would actuallly encourage me to eat more.
    Maybe I can find someone in there who really has some recovery, and I don't need to talk to or rescue the people who have one day, and maybe even lose that, I'm not responsible for them and I don't have to go down with them just because they raer choosing to go down. rage. Pain.
    It's true that I don't really want what ___ has, since she is she and I am I.
    Maybe I can have the joy and serenity I want by aligning my thoughts with those of my source, rather than through a sressful action journey.
    Maybe I can aligne my thoughts, amaybe that's not just something other people who are more normal than I am can do, but something I can do too. Oh rage, theres some pain there in that one.
    Maybe ifI'm feeling vortexy now it doesn't necessrily mean that I have to always strave myself in the future in order to bevortexy, sicne I recall now that I've gotten good and vortexy on this fourm a lot of times in the past, like the time I did telekinesis andthe time I chanelled that ocean poem, and the itme I worte about the garden I want to be in, that was so pleasurable, withasparagus adn other htings waving around gentily in the wind.
    Maybe I can hae the cliary of doing a vibraiotnal process deliberately vs. just letting my mind watnder and "wasting" time that felt less good in a way but also more comfortable...
    Maybe in that case the "good" feeling of doing hte process with my time was acatuall a little tinged with fear and upstreamness, and the real solution was downstream..."wasting" time instead of doing a process.
    maybe that was what I relaized on hte train tha day, that I wreally didn't want to make myself do processes wiht my time, because I already had plenty of money vibraitnally and already had plenty of sex partners and already had plenty of health nad nutritional plants growing near me and all those other thigns, rage, and so I didn't need to force myself to do thigns anymore!!!!!!
    "The archanel Michael"
    And then maybe I could just let go and let God and let my mind wander and be downstream of doing any vibraiontal process and find myself in the place downstream of them, which I could hae let myselfenter a long time before, but osomehow had been sure I had to do just one more thing to meet other peole's expectations first, and then I'd let myself get in the vortex, assoon as I was done with htat one little obligation, oh how i hated my little obligaiotn and my next little obligaiotn andthe next, and oh how I loe the discarding of obligaitons and the picking up of the vortex!!!.oh pain giref, rage.
    In a drak brown room somewhere (dream). Rage and pain.
    I do feel relief...and sleepiness...

  3. #23
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    Yay! 22 posts! My lucky number.

    OK, I was thinking about doing a vibrational process but the nI didn't feel lie doing it, I felt like that woud be upstream to focus on reality that much, to use a vibraiotnal process for the sake of adjusting domwthing in my experience just seemed too effort-ful...I am tired and don't really want to use up any enery...but I kind of wanted to try to contact that woman, and I kind of wanted to be having the benfits of having aligned --lined up my energies for five months, that was a nice thought, hwo good I'd probably lfeel ifI did that nine-to-five for five months straight, a little better than if I did like Isaac Asimov or was it Arthur C. Clarke? no Asimov, and wrote ninee to five and didn't hava windo to look out so I wouldn't get distracted...gosh. Anyway, I actually am too afraid to try contacting her, even if I were to find her on facebook or something then I'd have a sort offear-ful experience writing a mesage and actually presesing send the wanting pproval thing...and my ight wrist just startied hurting, so I think that's a problem tha's tryingot show me my direct way itno the vortex...

  4. #24
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    Gosh darn it, why do those young people make it look so easy, and yet for me getting back in the vortex has been seeming harder and harder...I don't even seem to want to start a commune anymore, even though that was up until an hour ago the thing I indulged in dreaming about as a GUILTY pleasure, as a far-off and overly-ideal, unrealistic pipe dream...

    Oh yea, pipe dream. well maybe I want MORE. OK, so I want the commune to be filled wiht shopping malls too. I want it to have lots of futuristic technology and wave frequency generrators and all that kin of stuff, and preserve a lot of the modern conveniences, and have supportive people all around who totally support me if I wnat to wash my clothes by hand or if I want to wash them in the machine, who think I'm awesome and ask me questions that help me hear my own answers more,


    I just feel so angry, and I don't eve know why, and I'm going to bed now...but I realy want to be in the vortex first.

    So I'm goign to ask if I can know what my body is telling me right now, what is the pain in my back trying to tell me, what arte these problems tryign totell me whatdeoes my jaw know about getting back into the vortex that I could benefit from hearing andlistening too...I see a street walking up the sidewalk after an arts meeting in manhattan and feeling lbliss, I se the traffic light with its veins and blood fvessels of colored wires spilling out of it, beatuiful colors, I still feel crummy and tnesse, what is it that's stil in mu g-d-mn vibraiotn...tension in right buttock. I can't relly believe that I could vibate the annoyance of being afraid of my stuent out of my epxeirence, without some hiddden price to pay...I am having trouble elieving that I coudsimply atract good-feelign stuents...I am having troubnle believing that I could ever stop being afraid of people and their strange expectations that seem to have nothign to do wiht reality...I am having a hard time believing but I want to believe I want to believe and I know tha Abe has said it and a lot fo what abe has said has rung rue for me, that I can create absolutey anythign want, htat I reated alll that is riaghgt now so I must have aawesome creative power, that I could create the words I am wanting to come out of me right now in order to have me feel happy before going to bed, I could find hte words, I could find the believf that I can really have anything I wantI could find the elief that I can actually have fun tomorrow, I could have the bleief that I can actuall bereally in hte vortex tomorrow I could have the bleief that I could really have lots of ppleasure in my life and no terrible price would need ot pbe paid I could have the belief that I could actually manifest a ton of money really easily and fel free and secure and be able to buy an indoor garden and plant stuff in the basement and have my asparagus plants and do all that good fun stuff and sleep enough and get th special medical treamtnt I really want and the balance of microbes in m body that would make my heart sing and buy the trace minerals i still need...I could believe that tomorrow I 'll think a new thought that will be something I'd never thought before in all my life and that it will make my day to think it...I could believe that I will inherit six million dollars I can believe that I will havea better love life and even get to see my sweetheart and have that feel good, I can believe that people will appreicate my beauty and my creativiy without my having to make an effot to change something about myself, I can believe that people will walk up to me and ask me to be of service to them knowing that I hae great gifts to offer...I feel so mu ch rage at the gap between hte potential I've discovered in myself and the potential I perceive others as seeing (not seeing) in me...what is that gap about? why have I not been able to perceive others as valuing me? is it because of my parents? is it that I haven't been listening to their appreciaton of me? is it that I haven't been listenign to my IB's appreciaton ofme? is a btter question how can I shfit it? why can I dare to shift it? what can give me the courage to the feelign of safety to the feeling of freedom to shift that vibraiton to shift that belief to believe that my competence is not simply an illusion and not simply a fantasy but is a real and powerufl and dynamic thing that my creative ability is the energy that creates wors that my creativity is changing his world and making a good thing even better. that my thoughts are really valuable thoughts, valuable contributors...that I am really allowed to just go downstream..I so want to go sdownstream, I really want to go downstream, I long to just relax and let myself go downstream, I am so ready to go downstream, I really hunger to let myself go and fall downstream, I am sad and want to be going downstream I wam tens e in the back of my neck and want to let my neck go downstream I feel angry that I have not alllowdmyself ot go downsteram...

  5. #25
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    I am so strong, I don't need money to be happy, i don't need money to be strong, one person in alignment with Source is stronger than millions who are not! My spirit is strong, m'bwemena, and I can take the worst Hafiz has to dish out, because I have my Inner Being, I have my Inner Being no matter where I go, no one can take him away from me, no one can take Me away from me, so bring on the contrast, do your best and worst to throw me off, I'll just come back stronger than ever before and ever more beautiful! I am richer than I have ever been, I am more comfortable in my body, I am more relaxed, I love myself more than anyone ever has, I will always be true to me and I will only grow more loving and more sensitive, I release all attachment to impressing people or not being attached to impressing people, I release all my attachment to being manly and all attachment to not caring about being manly, I release all attachment to not having to work in a menial job, I release all attachment to not being attached to not having to work in a menial job, I am willing to do ANYTHING! But what is Your will for me, my Inner Being, my loving Inner Being, what is it that you really want? what is it I really want? what do we want what do we want what do we want?
    we are enjoying this Brahms but we are also, we have been thinking that simply to play it over anda over again would not be all, we woud want even more than tat, and we would also love to listen for more words from Spirit, from that higher and angrier place, from someplace ...I want to know mroe of God's thoughts, more of that amazing place that I've described before that has been shown to me, so pleasurably, but it seems like that would be work, to do all that again, I don't want to do work, what's more downstream than that? what is my UM's guidance about how I can be most happy right now? wha suject am I on? I feel angry, I am on the subject of my going to bed, and the thought I'vebeen thinking, it feels a little relieving to get it into words, the thought has been: I really ought to foce myself away from this cmptuer and force myself to go ot bed right nwo or I'll be tired and misierable tomrrow. And a better-feeling thought miht be, ifI' minspired ot stay up late, I'll have the energy for tmorrow even without a lot of sleep, I'll be bounding out of bed!. And the nex thouh was, ifI stay up too late then I'll be liing in an etreme way, goign to extreme lengths to recover, as it says in the Big Book, and that will be very uncomfortable and force me ouside the range fo what feels good, and that will e really painful eventually, I'll be run ragged, and I need toworry about hta. Feeling: fear, anger too,

    Better-feeling thoughts:I could be haing fun in the work I do, in the carrying out of G'ds will...
    it could be that I'll find a better-feeling thought that will take my vibration up to the height where I can feel good about staying up, and not feel that I have to live in an extreme wy, and or at leastt not in an extremely awful way.
    Just because I've been tired in the past when I've slept little doesn't have to mean that it wil be the same in the future.
    The fear that I've been having that I'll have to be very forceful with myslf in the mornings, thatI'll have to dragemyself out of bed iin a very unpleasant way in order to deserve to stay up late tonight, that thought is upstream, and therfore not True, not hwo Source sees it.
    The thought that by trying to escape from the pain by sleeping in and avoiding the action journey and therein taking an action journey solution to a vibrational problem--that by trying to use action I'm avoiding the real work and that the real work must therefore be difficult, painful, and nearly-impossible to produce so much fruit, that thought feel really f-ing upstream, and I'm seeing the country now...so it also must not hte True.
    The thought that I need to earn my happienss by working really har with a lot of people from the rooms, that I have to call up F_____ an offer help, and it ahs to be uncomfortable and "outside-the-comfort-zone" as everyone is always saying, "making the ego hurt" as my sponsor said today--that thought feels upstream. In fact, I help them more by my alignment wiht source, as it felt I was doing when I was talkkg wiht A________ who is also of a frequently disadvantaged group so even if there is some kind of quota I'm required to fulfill, I'm fulfilling it, though there isn't.


    Some things I appreciate...
    I apreciate that I can alays ask my Higher Power, what is your will for me? my Inner Being, what is your will for me? Ok, so so-and-so is saying I have to do such-and-such,, or the old voice in my head is saying I have to people-please taht person by doing X,--that thought is there, OK--BUT, what is YOUR will for me? you who actually love me, UM, what is your will for me? what is your desire for me to do? and if it's nothing, if it's simply to release the ors and drift delightfully relievedly downstream, if it's just that, then give me the power to carry out your will, ive me the power to releae the oars, give me all htat motherf-ing power, gimme that good sweet power like a Brahms Double.

    I appreciate that I felt today that I LOVE teaching, and I remembered those lines from my favorite movie ever-- "You coulddo anything, why are you teaching here at Wellton?" "Because I love teaching." yeah, there is such a thing as loing teaching! therei s something called pleasruable teaching, teaching tat soenone wouc give up everythign else for, and I know one person who also loves teaching, and that's Abraham. And I love araham, I love channeling my Inner Being, I love teaching to appetite! Where is the appetite, show me the appetite! Show me, world, sow me the appetite! show me where there are people who want ot learn what I have toe teach! Show me where there are people who whant to learn how to do the thigns that I can do, who want ot learn how ot manifest the wonderufl thign I know how to manifest, and only I, know how, show me the people, show me , mark them wiht a mark on their foreheads so I can easily pick them out even if I'm out of the vortex and groggy fform having stayd up too late tonight typing on this furm! Show me! Bring them to me, make it obvios so I can't miss it, and let me see the light in their eyes, let me see hte light of appreciatin, let me see the light of comprehension, let me see that I ahve served well, tat my tending to my own vibraiotn has indeed alllowed more good to flow from me@ And give me more good flowing to me so more good can flow from me, let more good flow to me, let mor good flow to me! Yes I loev teaching! And even if nnot a soul on the planet knows what Iam talking about besides myself and my woman, let the teaching go on and on! let me keep learning more and more t teach, I love it, and I am never bored!

  6. #26
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    Subject: my dad
    thought: I feel bad talking with him becuase I haven't taken actin on what I felt enthusiaaaastic about doing whn I spoke with him before
    (And mom will find me wrong for not taking action before the warm season shows up)
    I should just take some action right now, rahter than trying to adjust my vibraiotn first, i's leazy of me to be so caring about how I feel, I'm a liar and a lame person.
    feeling: powerlessness, sadness, rage, disappointment, frustratin, unworthiness
    actual subject: my worth -- what I think of me, what my dad thinks of me ... actually, just my worth
    thought: I'm not worth much at all because I haven't followed up on waht my Dad expects me to, and
    feeling -- same angry, pained, powerlesse, insecure, unworthy
    betterfeeling thought: how would you like it Dad if you had to live your whole life without ever telling your fatehr the most basic things about your life, about your reality, about why you do the things yo udo and what you're living day by day...
    I have done a lot on this quet vibrationally, I've gotten some moments of extreme alignment wiht it, I've felt so clearly the joy of my garden, of mey urban garden, and discoverd people doing tings in even less temperate climaet sahan mine that would normally happen in the tropics, and I've connected with a lot of people, and I've flowed with the energies to manfest some more rendezvous and gather more information and inspiraiotn, and
    I've shared my idea of selling my novel as a CSA with more than one other huuman being, and Ifeel a strong sense of guidance that it's the right thing for me, a right hting, that it will work, that it will be solid and downstream and effortless and not break itself or disappear nearly as much as when I've tried to fix things thoruhg action journeys (relief--hope, sadness)
    I've been busy just paing the bills (relief--pain, anger)
    My source said to refrain from reaching for more things out of my grasp until I've really gotten into apprciation for what I have, and that I will know when it's time to reach again, I will have no doubt--so I need to listen to that no matter what Dad says
    If Dad would get angry becaue I said that my Inner Beign's timing was saying it's not time to dive into action yet, that doesn't mean that my Inner Being is lying. -- (I feel some relief; anger)
    I have information about a way to make several thousand dollars a month from my house with urban agriculture, so that's a pretty tangible result for my time (anger, sadness, boredom)
    I have a strong felt sense that the only wya to change this is to get to peace with who I am and with my level of willingness to go on the action journey's I've been willing to go on, and that this new irritaiton and anxiety is here to propel me to even greater feeling of clarity and valuing of myself and sense of security in my direction, and that the belief that I have to use more action will show itself to be an illusion soon and one that will look ludicrously unbelievable ain hindsight (slight hope, anger, pain)
    Lots of people have said that they get triggered when talking with their parents and that old vibrainots get reawakened, but that doesn't make them poweless over their now
    I am really quite pissed at hte universe for offering me a dad who is so unsupportive of the biggest shift I've ever gone through in my life, beocming conscious of my nature as a creator, and I wonder just how mcuh te univrse would like it if it had to be eternally mindf-cked by hainga noncomprehening parents it couldn't tell the truth of its most basic experience to--and then had to deal with this OVER AND OVER AND OVER AND OVER AGAIN FOR LIKE 32 YEARS!!! (revenge)
    And how would you like it universe if you hadtio shift vbiraiotns all day long that were really so f-king sticky that you couldn't budge them with a sledegehammer even after a yar of banging at them, and they wouldn't budge from any amount of action either, and you just had to live wiht them even though you'd done nothign wrong to deserv them!!!!!!!! (")
    AND may you spend uyears having yoru ptoential wasted wit heveryone around you askign you to do something else other wthan what you're good at and never f-ing listen to waht you're saying and never undrestand it and always think that they did understand it and act like you're wrong for sayign something they think is absurd and wrong. I HATE EVERYBODY!!! (revenge, rage, a little relief)

    PS I appreciate having gotten a bunch more awareness of exactly what it was I felt while I was talking wiht my dad, I remembered a whole log of thigns as I was talking wiht a friend aout it, and I relaied that I really don't believe in his version of reality, I really can see it as a creatin rathe than an absolute reality, and see that I am allowd to create my own reailty, and that there were certain things he said or did that implied otherwise but I don't have to believe them . That's really great progress! I'm becoming more aware of my EGS! YAY!!!!

  7. #27
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    I am letting go of comparing my ability to get into the vortex with other people's (either favorably or unfavorably) and instead focusing on how I feel and seeing there's another opportunity to ask myself what would feel good to think right now.
    I am letting go of worrying about whether to try to get into the vortex directly or to meditate first to get out of bad, and just chilling out.
    I am letting go of trying to work my programs perfectly and please authority figures who don't truly serve my best interests and instead am asking myself what my own inner guidance is, and what feels good to me.
    I am so happy and appreciative of this freedom, of this feeling that I am OK, wonderful even, prior to any action, prior ot any recovery, prior to any measure of my sanity or worth or productivity.
    I never have to take anyone's advice again, I can do what I feel like doing, I can trust that I'm sane enough that it will all work out, I can trust that my Inner Being will guide me and my Universal Manager will provide me with what I need. I can let go of policing myself even if I'm witnessing others policing themselves, I can break the rules others make if they do not feel good to me and trust that the guide of what feels good will steer me right in the big picture, always. I see the land, the leaves on the land, the leaves of the beaches hanging down all around on either side of the gravel drive, and it feels wonderful!

  8. #28
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    OK, I just really got it! Other people are creating THEIR own reality and I am not responsible for iit because THEY ARE WORKING REALLY HARD TO CREATE THEIR REALITY (or vibrating really powerfully). I not only don't need to take it personally, but I there's nothing I can do to help. It would be an instance of "standing on my head" to please others, and it won't work. And the thought of trying to change my vibration on teh subject so others won't feel discomfort--which has crossed my mind a few times -- is really not necessary either. I want to change my vibration on this subject so _I_ can feel good and _I_ can have more money and _I_ can have more sex and _I_ can have more magic and _I_ can have more intimacy with community and more time to make art and be of service and more pastureland to graze cattle on and vegetable plots to grow things in. Me me me me me. Me. Joshua. Me Joshua. You not Joshua. Me create my life, you create your life.

    Also, I love that I got this channeled information specifically for me today, and how perfectly it fits my desires--it stresses allowing my attention to go wherever IT wants rather than trying to control where it goes. Rather than worrying about what I'm focusing on, I can just let my UM handle focusing it on one subject after another, inside my body or out, in this dimension or the others, and I get to just follow the path my attention goes on one subject after another. It feeds my appetite for change and for mystery, for learning, and for clarity and awareness of my body's sensations...it feels good! I love having my very own info from source, and in such a clear form!

  9. #29
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    I really want to feel good! I really wnat to feel relief! I am feeling angry, I really want to feel all hte way up to joy right this red hot f-in' minute! I want to get back to that way of feeling I had sometimes when I was on the forum here and I jsut really rad something that got me into that high place, and it was so calm and right and obvius, and I felt supported by my stero and the golden sound of the voies on the CD Jerry and Esther reading Money an d the Law of Attraction out loud to me to fall asleep to, and I want to feel good going o bed, I want ot feel I can stay up as late as I want to, that I don't have to putanyhing ahead of feeling as good aspossible, not sleep, not responsibilty, not morality, not what Mom thinks of me, not what Dad thinks of me, not whatI think they think of me, not what my spiritual teacher thinks of me, not what the people in the programs think of me, not what the clients think or the students or the IRS or the other people on this forum, I want to have my field of buzing summer grasss and sunlight, I want to run barefuoot and roll my socks up into little balls and play wiht them, I want to be under the arching branche of a quiet tree, I want ot feel good, I want to feel good, I want to feel realy really really really good ,high up in the spcaes among the branches of hte trees, the still trees, the barely-moving in the slighteest breeze trees. Oh, I want to be free sexuall, I want to be free to do as much as I want, to care only about hwoI feel about them and not give a rip how they feel about me,..., I want to allow sex into my experience, I want to be a terrible flirt and a rake, I want to be comletey open with every woman I meet in a day about my desire ,I want to speak all of it, to the eprson it concerns, aloud, with expression and passion, meaning evry word of it. I want to articulate all of the lust that runns thorugh my head every day, I want to feel good about my lust, I want to feel fgood about my crapulence, I want to feel good about my selfishness, I want to feel good about where I am every day, I want to be in a good place every day!!!!!! GR RAGE!

    OK--better-feeling thought: I can move up the EGS. I've done that before. I 've seen how I could be someone who both has money adn has passsion for moneyless living, who both cherishes and lvoes the corporatons and love and cherishes humans and all of nature, who speaks abotu the ened for revolution the desire for change and at the same time talks about the present and everything in it, all hte what-is economiy, as being perfect, inclding all of its violence...
    I can allow my sits bones to sink into the chair prett easily
    I used to feel those really raelly good feelings, so It feels plausable that I would be able to line upwiht them again, and I may be closer than I think to having a blissfulexperience of them again...
    it is OK to have the anger, and I can release all pushing-against my having anger. There need noe be any PAIN in anger, it can contain almost hope that theo ther guy will be truly punished!allowing anger has felt so relieving in the past, it's felt so OK, so abundant, so downstream, so oobvious-in-hindsight0that-I0deserved=that.

    more later...i'm sleepy

  10. #30
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    I am not in the vortex at this omoent, I am wanting A______ to contact m...and her grandmother has just died, and she may not be open to polyamory, to trying it, and she may not relly be intereste in me at all, only in a projection she has of em, and I may find that I am not really interested in her but a projection--powerlessness(?) irritation, frustration
    BUT
    BFT: that projection was pretty damn sexy last night, I couldn't sleep!
    I can get int hte vortex any time I want ifI really focus, it doesn't requite A_______ or anyone else dto do anything.
    My worry that J______ is pissed at me specifically for becoming interested in A_____ instead of her is a worry about something that's out of my conrol,--her poa,00and it's irritating that I am supposed to care about how she feels more than abotu how I feel
    I deserve to feel good right now, itwn't cost anyone else anything, truly
    I really want to feel good, feeling good has been far more rewarding, I can see, than reading that complex philosophy I've been reading, or checking in with my action partner diligently,, or even the allowing my attention to go where it wants to meditation...that's been wodnerful, but I'm remembering now how good it felt to feel really really really really really really good when being here on this forum, how I felt safe to epxress that I really honestly do believee that I create through my THought rather than through my action, that i've heard the answering of my intuitive sense at htat idea, the leap of my heart up to hope, the realization that previousy I'd been spedning all my time in a kind of haze of depression, rage, thatI'd been not even allowing mysel to feel angry about condions that hadtruly been near the bottom of hte Emotional Guidance scale--not just neutral or a little below but WAY down...
    Even if I haven't gotten the understanding or support I've hoped to from my thearpist, I've gotten it from here on this forum...or rather I've gotten it from my Inner Being...and I've discovered a whole new poetry for me, I've discovered an ability to do telekinesis, I've felt truly ecstatic joy!!!!!
    I don't need to find myself wrong for putting al ot of other activities into my day that maybhave been somewhat distracting, I can still get into the vortex now!
    My concern that my getting into the vortex has to be sexualized and therefore is dependent on someone outside of me being interested in having sex with me is illusion--I know I've gotten to feeling really really good here without needing anyone else, and without it being particularly sexual. I know I can attract the relationship(s) I want, I don't have to go out and win them through actin journeys or fixing muyself.
    my fear that by staying up too late and violating hte "law" of conservation of energy I'll somehow be setting myself up to get punished by a harsh reality later on or be exhausted tomorrow is irrational

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