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Thread: My Vision process

  1. #141

    Red face Day 523: Gifts inside me

    Today was a good day. I found more relief on my path. I'm starting to understand more of who I am and who I am not. I like letting go of old beliefs that don't serve me anymore. I like letting go of the grip of control in my life. I like not caring about what anyone thinks and doing things that feel good to me.

    I'm getting more clarity about who am I and what feels good to me. I like having more questions that point me towards who I really am. I like that I'm finding more things about myself that make sense. I like that I'm finding happy things that resonate with me. I like that I'm finding out that I like happy, bright and colorful things. I like that I'm understanding more of who I am. I like that I'm getting closer to who I really am. I like that I'm seeing myself more clearly than ever before. I like that I'm getting excited about what I'm seeing in myself. I have things inside me that are wonderful.

    I have things inside me that are great. I have things inside me that makes my life and others better and more pleasant. I have things inside me that loves to come out and express itself. I have things inside me that are worthy and have value in this world. I have gifts that are wonderful that I have yet to fully tap into.

    I have gifts that are meant to change the world. I have gifts that are wonderful and will change people's lives for the better. I have gifts that were inside me since I was born that are the perfect expressions of who I really am. I already know who I really am. I already know who I want to be. I already know the small pieces of my personalty that are my thing.

    I feel guided to stop hereÖ

    Thank you, itís more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3

  2. #142

    Day 524: The Universe

    Everything is working out.

    The universe loves me and sees me. I'm always connected to source and that source of love. I am a part of the universe. I am a part of that source and love. I like feeling that source within me. I like knowing that I can connect to the source at any moment, and it never goes out. I have complete access to it at any time that I wish, I like that feeling.

    I can always think about the love source feels for me. I can always think about how source loves me so much. I can always think about how much source adores me and loves me completely. I can think about how much love source has for me and how much source wants to fawn over me. I can think about how much source wants my happiness. I can think how much source supports exactly who I am and loves me as I am. I can think about how I don't have to change for good things to come to me because the universe already accepts me.

    The universe already loves me, and always has. The universe always had compassion for me. The universe wants to see me shine and be successful as who I am. The universe supports my gifts, my talents, my abilities, desires, wants and preferences. The universe wants to see me have those things. The universe wants me to have those things. The universe loves to show me the way there. The universe is always talking to me, guiding me, showing me the way. The universe is with me everyday. I can connect to the universe and receive it's guidance.

    The universe is always there for me. The universe never abandons me or leaves me stranded. The universe is always there. I never have to look for it.

    I like knowing that I can focus on my source and feel it's love and compassion. It's a good feeling.

    With everything that I'm doing and want to do, I know that the universe wants me to have it. The universe is guiding me towards everything I want, I just have to be still and listen. I can go within myself to listen. I can take the time out to really connect with myself and with my source. I'm worth the time, energy and space to have that divine connection and receive the answers to my questions and desires.

    I don't have to try so hard to do everything myself and struggle. I can lean on the universe and trust that it always knows what I want and that it's going to show me the way. No matter what my bank account looks like, where I live, if I'm in a relationship, if I'm a certain weight, if I have a good relationship with family or whatever the case may be. The universe says I can have anything I want now, I can have what I want no matter what. There is nothing in my way towards the things that I desire.

    I just have to listen, I have to give myself space, I have to leave the extra stuff alone, I have to turn off the outside world, I have to know myself, I have to want to know more about myself and really embody who I am. I have to be willing to just be and let the universe guide me to wherever it is that I need to be that will get me closer to where I want to really go.

    I have to be accepting that I don't have the best ideas in how to get what I want. But the universe does and I can trust it. I can trust it. I can allow it. I can connect to myself and to my true strength, love and gifts and let the universe really speak to me, through me. I can allow the universe to come through me stronger than ever and speak through me clearly, lovingly.

    I can do that.

    I feel guided to stop hereÖ

    Thank you, itís more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3

  3. #143

    Day 525: Drawing

    Day 525

    I can take this one step at a time. I won't be perfect the first time I try it.

    I can enjoy the process and I can enjoy getting back into the swing of things. I can enjoy exploring new ideas and finding new ways to express myself.

    It doesn't have to be a struggle, there isn't a group of people waiting for me to "arrive." I can take as long as I need and go at the pace that is right for me.

    I can access my ideas and create them now. I can take the time out to draw them in the way that feels good to me. I can gently practice in a way that is actually fun and lighthearted and not centered on getting to a certain goal. I like that freedom of creation. I like that all the things that I want is already ready and prepared for me and I don't have to do anything to receive them. I don't have to think that I have to get to a certain place in my life or in my art to have the things that I want.

    It's nice knowing that I can enjoy drawing just my own selfish state. Maybe I don't like drawing because I'm creating art, but that I can express myself. And maybe I don't want to be the best because it's not "drawing on a certain level that excites me." I love drawing because I can create, I can express myself. I can turn my feelings and my inner world real, that is always the best feeling in the world.

    I like taking my attention off of the outside and turning it inward where I feel safe and secure. I like that I came this far with drawing. I deserve a pat on the back for always having it in my life. I did it. Something that most people would of given up a long time ago. And I have so much time to explore it more.

    I feel guided to stop hereÖ

    Thank you, itís more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3

  4. #144

    Cool Day 526: Being in my own energy

    Day 526

    I'm starting to see where I was resisting my own flow. For a while, I was thinking that drawing had to look a certain way. I had to live a certain way and the way I practiced or lived as an artist had to look a certain way. I was constantly choking the life out of my own gifts and my well-being because instead of going with MY OWN FLOW, I wanted to dumb it down and make it look like what everyone else was doing.

    My idea of drawing and "being an artist" is shifting and expanding. It's not always sitting at a table, computer or whatever and scribbling away in the dark, something that I thought was the right way to be and the way to be successful. I also thought that you needed a niche or be known for a certain style of art or whatever that makes you stand out from others, that was also a false premise. Instead of embracing my varying ways that I create and express myself, I kept trying to nail myself down to one thing which isn't life giving to me anyway!

    I like being free to create as I wish and as I feel. That is what feels good to me, that is freedom and expression of self. When you can take whatever medium and craft it into who you are! And I don't desire to be limited in how I do that, I want to do it all! That is how I am designed and there is nothing in this world that can say otherwise. That is just who I am, I am a multifaceted person with multifaceted gifts and I want to explore every possibility of them!

    It's good for me to explore all parts of myself in a way that is authentic and true to me! That is who I am and what feels good to me.

    Bringing this more inwards towards myself and going a lot more general, I know that I can settle into the being that I was born as. I can trust my feelings deep inside myself. It feels good to just be and to just rest. To be accepting and to not make waves or flip tables over things that has nothing to do with me. I can focus on my own individual joy. My own joy is the best thing I have to offer to myself and I love only focusing on myself and my joy.

    I love staying focus on me and my desires. It feels good to have all my eyes on me. I love asking myself what I want to manifest and watch the universe put it together for me. I like not giving my attention to other people, places or things. I like keeping my business, my own. I like staying focus on things that feel good to me. It feels good not to watch other people on YouTube, it feels good to not click on people's pictures on Facebook. It feels good to not look at other people's stuff on Instagram. It feels good to disconnect myself from society and only focus on my own inner world.

    I like focusing on my own inner world. It feels good to have my own inner world to focus on. I like that I don't have to look outside myself. I like that I don't have to listen to people. I like that I don't have to care what people think. I like that my own world is the best one and is the only one I have to tend to. It feels good to not care about what other people are feeling. I like that everyone else is responsible for themselves. I like that I don't have to come out of my cave for any reason other than if I desire to do so.

    I like that I can move somewhere that I can have real and true peace. I like that I can move somewhere far away from society. I like that I can ban society and it's chatter out of my life and live by my own terms. I like that I can live independently without anyone's opinion. I like that nothing that I do has anything to do with anyone else. I like that I can move away from society and be in my own energy more of the time.

    I like being in my own energy. I like feeling my own energy. I like the peace that comes from being in my own energy.

    I feel guided to stop here…

    Thank you, it’s more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3

  5. #145

    Day 527: Changing things up

    Day 527

    Today when I wrote my
    new script I noticed that a lot of old beliefs that I was tolerating but didn't really notice came up. I also noticed that when I was cooking dinner today (when I didn't feel like it and I was focused on what I think I should of done) that I'm now living a dream I had a few short years ago. That, in my time of complaining, nit picking and basically giving myself a hard time, I could just as easily focus my attention on the fact that I'm cooking the kind of food I always wanted to eat.

    There were so many things in what I was living that I wanted but I never took notice, all I did was look at what I thought was lacking. But once I moved my attention towards, I'm living out my dream that I once had, I felt so much better and then I had a realization. That focusing on the future, joy and what I love is more productive and feels so much better than focusing on what I haven't done or judging myself for not going outside.

    I'm even judging myself for the way I'm doing this process now. I'm questioning myself a lot on if I'm doing enough to change my reality. Is this really as effective as it could be, could I be doing more?

    It just hit me...

    It's okay... Everything that is happening now, my thoughts, feelings and questions are totally okay. And that its okay for me to change how I do and approach things. I'm not locked into anything, there is no one that is judging my progress or how I'm doing this except me. And I don't want to keep spiting my energy, so I want to go back to the way I used to do this process and talk about my actual feelings and more so beliefs and soothe them.

    I think the change was needed because the momentum was very strong towards what I didn't want in the past, but I feel like I'm ready for something more challenging honestly haha! I want to acknowledge my beliefs and soothe them, it served me well, but only when I wasn't super low on the EGS, I'm definitely not at that place anymore. Plus, it's not completely going back to how I did things, but more of an updated version since I've learned a lot since the change.

    Anyway, let's get started...

    Beliefs that came up today:

    I fear that wanting to have a lot of money, an amazing income that would make me "rich" will make me a hypocrite, because I live in a community that is all about helping people that are considered low-income. And that being spiritual or super compassionate means that wanting to live a lavish lifestyle is wrong or inappropriate. Desiring more is wrong when so many have less or worst.

    I fear that those around me will look at me as a bad person for attracting the wealth I want, because I lived without that type of abundance for most of my life. I only worked one job in my life and attracted money in all sorts of ways and opportunities since, it's wrong for me to suddenly amass wealth that most people won't see even when they worked their whole lives. I feel unworthy for the wealth I want and I fear judgment from those around me because I haven't worked hard enough for it.

    I also fear judgment because I don't want a job, to work, give up my freedom for money or anything like that and want to live freely doing things I enjoy doing, which includes sleeping in (seemingly pentacle of freedom in the adult working world.) I also don't want to deal with debt, credit or any of that stuff. Not wanting to focus or work on those "important adult things" that everyone else wants you to work on further makes me feel childish and unworthy and that I don't deserve to have a lot of money.

    Wow, these are the beliefs I've been carrying for a long time, even when I was "focusing on what I wanted." It makes a lot of sense now why the road to the abundance that I truly want keeps folding in on itself. Also, I notice that the basis of these beliefs is unworthiness. In some way or for whatever reason, I'm labeling myself unworthy for my desire, mostly due to the idea that I haven't worked or struggled enough.

    Anyway, lets start soothing!

    These beliefs doesn't serve me and I'm so excited to let them go, so I want to write down some truths about this subject.

    The universe isn't waiting for me to work hard or to struggle enough. I don't manifest through my pain, suffering and struggle, at least manifest what I want.

    The universe doesn't care about what I've done or haven't done. It only reads the vibration I give out regardless of my circumstances. So I can have the money that I want if I'm truly aligned to it which has nothing to do with if I only worked one job or 20. I can only worked one job in my life and come into the money I see myself having. I can feel worthy for the money that I want without justifying it to avoid judgment of others.

    I'm sure there are many people that haven't worked hard, struggled or only had one job come into wealth. And plenty more people that came into wealth that other people would deem "unworthy." There are so many people like that in the world, funny enough, most of those "unworthy" people blatantly don't give a flying fruit cake about what other people think about their money or how they choose to live... It makes sense in that those people continue to manifest more money. And I'm feeling a lot of resistance...

    Resistance in that "I do care what people think, a lot" and I feel like if I don't care than that means I'm just as selfish as those "bad" rich people. I feel like I have to care about others, but I believe that I can't have the money I want because other people will judge me harshly for it. I have two beliefs that are clearly conflicting... But is caring about others, is in the way that I think it to be? Probably not. When I care about other people, I mean that I want people to be happy and feel good, not so much care about what they think about me. I also know that I'm so generous and love to give. If I had the wealth that I wanted I know I would use a lot of it to spoil the people around me, because I love showing that I care through gifts and such.

    Having the wealth I want means that not only that I get to treat my loved ones (and even strangers, I gave to strangers plenty of times with joy) but the world because I love to shower the world with positivity! I don't have to care any more of what people think of me than I do now when I have the money because, it's my business. I get to choose what I do with the money and how I use it! That feels good and empowering!

    I'm tired and will stop here, I feel like I'm going in the right direction with this process, change is good and I was inspired do it!

    I feel guided to stop here…

    Thank you, it’s more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3

  6. #146

    Talking Day 528: Really Great Positive Manifestations!

    Day 528

    Working on my beliefs and breaking them down really did something because I manifested a lot of money and abundance today.

    Success Log:

    I found a quarter while crossing the street where it's really rare for me to find quarters on the ground!

    My mom saved a lot of quarters for me in a bag, I knew she was already doing this but this counts. However, she actually gave me her change tin and told me that I can take as much as I needed. As well as she wanted me to give me $20 dollars but I didn't have enough change for us to swap bills (my $10 for her $20 plus I needed my single dollars for fare) but she found three single dollars and gave them to me! My mom is always so generous, whatever it is that she has or whatever I need, if she has it she'll give it to me! What a blessing!

    Talking to my mom about the new card system our city's transportation system is using, she said that I can help her setup her card and she'll put $20 bucks on my card. Funny enough, I've been wanted to get the new bus card and wanted to put $20 dollars towards it instead of using money but something always told me to not do it. I was actually getting frustrated with using money and planned to just get the card the next time I get my check. Now I see why I was always directed to NOT DO IT YET, because a much better solution was on it's way. This really helped me remember that my guidance is absolutely accurate and worth listening to, even if I don't understand it logically.

    Not related to money but this morning when I went for my walk, I saw a women with a yoga mat walking up the street. As we passed each other I looked dead at her and she had the biggest grin on her face. Like seriously, her smile really was from ear to ear, the biggest smile I think I ever seen on a person. Her contentment and joy was radiating off her clearly, and I instinctively smiled back, and it was genuine. I actually wanted to practice smiling at people, and when she passed by it all just fell into place and clicked. But more than that, the interaction really stuck a cord in me. Deep inside I got emotional, but in a good way because it actually felt like she saw "me." Just her attention on me, while in her state of absolute joy reached me at my core and I couldn't believe it, the power of it. It'll be something that I'll cherish forever. Thank you Ms. Yoga women! You really changed my life in such a small but profound way today!

    And now I'm remembering how much I love to write about my successes, the great things that happened in my day and just joyous happy things! It really gives me that "juice."

    Come to think of it, my interaction with the women made me feel "worthy." In the way she smiled at me and how I felt her energy. I felt whole, I felt worthy, I felt like she saw me and I'm okay. I was okay enough that someone, a stranger can walk pass me and really (what it felt like) love me. I really did feel whole, accepted and just plain awesome!

    I like that feeling a lot and when I think about it, I wasn't doing anything special. I wasn't in a magical circumstance (having everything I think I need to then be worthy), I was just feeling as good as she was and we had this really great passing. That shows me that my alignment is the only thing that matters and not what I have or don't have. I can have all these amazing things happen to me without needing to prove myself or fight for it. It's all mine for the taking, it's just that simple.

    So, the abundance I want. The money that I see myself having in the future is just as accessible to me as meeting a really happy person on the street. Or finding a quarter, or having my mom just give me money. It is just that simple and none of it had anything to do with me working hard or struggling. It all came because I was feeling good, knew my power, felt worthy and really, felt connected to source. I didn't allow anything else to dominate my thoughts or feelings. I focused on what made me feel good and relaxed and just rolled with it. Not scramble, rush or try to make things happen.

    That's the difference!

    I feel guided to stop here…

    Thank you, it’s more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3

  7. #147

    Wink Day 529: More Money Manifestations!

    Another great day where I felt a shift in my life!

    Success Log:

    I felt guided to go outside and then to my building's thrift shop where I found A PAIR OF PANTS THAT I ACTUALLY LIKE AND FITS ME. I've been needing new pants for so long now since my old pairs either fit to snug now or don't fit at all. The last time I went there to try to find new clothes I didn't have a good time, even though I found a shirt that I liked. I felt pretty discouraged but reminded myself that this is just the beginning I'll find more clothes that I like, and BAM I'm guided to the right pair! They fit so well, isn't tight and have pockets! To add, they had a 40% off sale on everything so I only spent $4.80 on them!

    I had a really great time outside in general, the weather was nice, cool breeze and it wasn't too hot, it was perfect.

    I learned that the art department has the green light to start a workshop teaching people how to do candle making workshops. Where they will get paid to do them at different sites. When I first heard about this idea, I KNEW it was for me, I knew this was the universe providing for me something that I wanted but the idea got shot down. However, I felt it in my bones that this was going to happen and work out so I reached out to the art director about it (where she felt as I did) and we came up with a plan to show how important it is for this to happen. Apparently it went really well and the higher ups gave us the green light. Honestly, writing this out, I can't believe it worked.

    I guess it's more like, my actions, what I do can create a positive change. I felt strongly about something where I just knew it was going to happen. It was just that plain and simple, I knew it was going to happen and I didn't know how but I accepted that fact, went with my guidance and here we are! Amazing! Plus, that means that more money will be on it's way to me (doing something that I enjoy at that) because I'm so jumping on this as soon as it's available!

    The cable came back on at my building! Something went wrong so it was out for over two weeks and today it was back on. I'm so excited to catch up on my shows!

    It's getting easier to look at people in the eye, talk to them and just be my happy self around others. I'm feeling more confident in myself again!

    Oh something super cool, I just got an email from a long time client wanting to know what kind of reading she should get. I can't believe it! I've been focusing a lot of my time on trying to get more sells and then realized that I'm draining my energy and not creating what I really want. I felt guided to let go of the Esty shop and host my readings where I had them before since it was a lot easier (and they didn't take fees). Soothing on my beliefs about the money I wanted really lifted some heavy resistance because like magic someone is wanting to buy one! And I can't wait to see how that momentum increases

    I'm noticing with all this is that acknowledging the negative beliefs I have and soothing them created the space for me to feel free and human. Instead of pretending that things don't bother me, or just tolerating negative beliefs. Getting clear on my vibration means getting clear on what I have resistance on so I can then soothe it.

    More over, I'm starting to feel more confident and sure of the kind of money and experience that I want. The luxury and having the wealth feels more possible and personable. I'm not as worried about what other people think and enjoying the idea of coming into an incredible income that I can then enjoy and play with!

    I feel guided to stop hereÖ

    Thank you, itís more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3

  8. #148

    Red face Day 532: Fearing Being Spoiled

    Day 532

    Today I want to work on the negative beliefs that came up today while I was in a clothing store. I wanted to have fun with trying on clothes, knowing how to dress my new changing body and really find what styles of clothes that look good on me.

    I also wanted to really embrace the vision I had with money but soon I started to feel very unworthy for the nice, new clothes that were on the selves. I was surprised how nice and "my style" today's fashion was, it was really exciting. However, looking at the prices, looking how nice the clothes were and honestly comparing myself to everyone around me the old stories and beliefs started to come up.

    I started to feel really unworthy seeing all the new fresh clothes, clothes that I really like and wanted. I felt guilty because I WANTED to get new fresh clothes out of a branded store than get clothes that were second hand, handed down or otherwise. I felt guilty because it felt wrong to want new clothes when people were nice enough to give me clothes or donate them to me in the past.

    It felt wrong to spend a lot of money on clothes when I can just as easily get clothes dirt cheap at a second hand shop. I also felt bad for not wanting clothes that were second hand or donated because it made me look ungrateful and spoiled.... Ahh...

    I have a really hard time with that term, spoiled...

    It's been taught that being spoiled was wrong and most of the time it makes a person (especially a child) greedy, ungrateful and selfish (which I know for a fact I'm none of those things.) Even though it wasn't often, that term was thrown at me to make me feel bad for what I had and for who I am. It was made for me to look at my blessings as something that was wrong to have, like I didnít deserve them. Or that being in alignment, caring how I feel and really, doing what it is that I really wanted to do was wrong.

    I remember a friend from high school that I was close with used that term to insult me when we were teens. When we reconnected this year, she pulled that same crap again.

    The funny thing is that, she has no idea what I went through. The pain, the depression, the hopelessness for years on end. She might of saw the "good" times I had with my family but she never knew what was really going on and surly didn't have a clue when we wasn't talking for years, not that it matters.

    I didnít come into a feathered nest, quite the opposite, both my parents had their issues (personally and as a couple) that really affected me that Iím still soothing. Despite that, the good times I had and the things that they provided for me where exactly what I needed, even if it wasnít the preferred or the ideal way. And for someone to take my life that was ****ing challenging and take those blessings that I did have in it, and make it as if I didnít deserve them is just wrong. Especially when they donít have a clue about my life.

    I know she was projecting her own life and issues onto me, especially after we reconnected. I went and changed my life so Iím not in dysfunction and she is still living with her mom that she wants to move away from. She wants to move out but says sheís comfortable, because her mom still provides for her. Which is totally fine, everyone can choose what is good for them, but donít throw stones at a glass house. Just because I managed to get my own life together by my own means and choices doesnít mean Iím spoiled or ungrateful. That makes me strong, powerful and a great deliberate creator.

    I honestly still feel anger towards her saying those things to me because of how not true those things are. And some (or even a lot) of the not so nice things that she said really cut me even when I know better as an adult which led me to doubt myself.

    But with that being said, Iím thankful because she just showed me where I need to realign myself and change my beliefs. Iíll become even greater because of where she let me know where Iím giving up my power.

    The truth is that Iím not spoiled or maybe I was, my dad did give me the things I wanted. He said yes a lot and was more than willing to give me the things I asked for. At the same time he rarely kept his promises and he had his issues, our relationship was far from ideal or (a word I donít like to use) normal. Regardless, why would I think (especially as an aber) that him giving me things was wrong? Why is that a bad thing and something that I should be ashamed of? Why would I let someone insert doubt in my past and life that they have no clue about?

    The truth is that it was a good thing I was given those things. The things he given to me helped me triple fold to be the person that I am today. Those where things that many times we both enjoyed and was able to bond over. Some of my fondest memories is us going to the video game store every week to get a new game. He loved doing it, I loved it too and it was a great thing in my life.

    I wasnít spoiled, I just had an amazingly generous father which I wouldnít change for the world even with the bad times.

    No matter who says what, I enjoyed that. I enjoyed getting what I asked for and I loved the fact that my dad gave me the needs and wants that I did get (it prepped me well to be expecting to get what I want just by being me). There is nothing wrong with it, I was completely as deserving now as I was back then and I donít want to feel shame about it anymore, because there is no reason to feel shame.

    Life is good, especially my own.

    I feel guided to stop hereÖ

    Thank you, itís more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3

  9. #149

    Day 535: Soothing Major Resistance

    Day 535

    I'm feeling trapped and limited. I'm living in a room with a shared living room, bathroom and kitchen. I have cluster mates which I share these places and I'm honestly tired of it.

    I feel slow, like I'm stupid and inapt living like this in a place where people that need more support.

    I feel frustrated because I want to move out into my own place, away from here and all this. This feeling that I'm too stupid or incapable of living on my own.

    I feel frustrated because I believe even if I do mention my true feelings, people will want to guide me to solutions the muggle way, which I'm not about. I know how to create my own reality and don't want to hear people's ideas or opinions on how to approach my problem.

    I'm also frustrated because I'm not letting myself fully accept my feelings, that I'm not happy here anymore and haven't been for a while. I kept suppressing my true feelings of unhappiness because I believed that I shouldn't be unhappy. I should be grateful and not want something more because, once again, I haven't worked hard enough for it. Beggars can't be choosers or that for me to move out I have to get a job and have the money, which I have no desire to do, therefor I shouldn't express my unhappy feelings because I'm not willing to "do anything" about it. It's also why I'm resistant on expressing my feelings to staff members.

    But the truth is, I am unhappy here. I can't stand it anymore. I hate sharing my spaces, the ****ing chores, and dumb ass cluster meetings. It's all so ****ing stupid! I don't want to be bothered by people, and I hate the fact that people are brain-dead about cleaning up after themselves. There are roaches in the kitchen that I've been bringing up to the cluster and staff for ****ING MONTHS and all I get is the same speech about cleaning up after ourselves. The fact that the men's floor had roaches and that we need to clean out our dishwasher.

    Despite my complains, people still leave food and crumbs around the cluster and nothing ever gets done with the roaches. I don't even like being in the kitchen anymore because how disgusted I am by it all.

    I'm also so so frustrated with my room. I want to draw and create but there isn't enough room for a drawing table and my computer table isn't good for drawing on. The portable easel I have need some rubber feet and generally, it's all so inconvenient and I'm ****ing dying inside.

    I'm dying inside because there is so much I want to do, so much I want to create but getting to that place where I can draw and create COMFORTABLY is a ****ing uphill battle. I'm constantly moving shit around, or I have to move mountains just to see if a certain layout works and it's just too much. I hate the fact that I don't have a readily available table that I can sit at and draw (as well as write or just ****ing eat at).

    It's honestly beating me down emotionally and I'm ****ing PISSED. I'm pissed that I've been lying to myself about my real feelings. I'm pissed that I still feel very unheard, I'm pissed that I want to draw and create but feel like I can't, or it's a total pain in the ass.

    It feels like everything that I REALLY want to do, I can't do. I want to bake but I have to make room for more kitchen equipment which is a pain because I only have so much space in my own room or the kitchen. I want to take baths, light candles, start crafting again and so much stuff but it's either I can't, it's not allowed or it's a pain to make room. I barely have enough room to do much of anything comfortably besides the very basics.

    I feel like a ****ing child, a really stupid child, totally shackled to this place that is a constant reminder of muggle struggles and false premises, with this idea that I'm only able to achieve a certain level of success or independence.

    I just ****ing hate it and it's been eating me up inside for way too long.

    I really want to move away, be on my own and have my own everything, where I don't have to worry about other people and their issues or whatever.

    With that being said the major beliefs that I notice myself holding is this:

    I'm not allowed to want something better, something more when I haven't or not willing to "work' for it. Since I only have a certain amount of money, on public assistance and whatever that makes me a lazy person or a bum. Totally undeserving of something better, especially something of luxury, who do I think I am?

    It'll be incredibly hard to create a life where I'm making enough that I don't need public assistance but I'm able to have financial freedom and not be limited by money. Where I can live a totally comfortable life living in the way I truly want to.

    I can't or deserve move out into a better place, because I don't have the money/resources.


    I have some major cleaning up when it comes to these beliefs and a lot of them come from other people, not myself. But I will write some truths about money and this situation.

    The universe never looks at how "deserving" I am to determine if something manifests in my life or not. It's all about what I'm vibrating inside, how I feel. So I don't need to look at my circumstances or my past to find reasons to line up with my desire.

    Not having a job, not wanting a job or being on public assistance has NOTHING to do with my ability to create wealth or the life I want. In fact public assistance is showing that I CAN create wealth without working for it! And obviously the universe, doesn't judge, LOA doesn't work that way. I can create whatever it is that I want and there is noting stopping me from having it.

    It's crazy to think that it'll be hard to create the life that I want. Deliberate creation is all about letting the universe do it's job, and that is never a "hard thing" to do, unless we make it so. Getting off public assistance, getting the wealth I want is inherently easy and completely possible for me.

    How other people feel about my situation has NO BEARING on my ability to manifest what I want. I deserve to create whatever it is that I want. I deserve things to be easy, to not work for it and to simply be a big ass kid and dance and play my way through life. I don't have to do it the muggle way, nor is it required.

    People are wrong about how life works and what it takes to live a luxurious lifestyle. It's all muggle bullshit. I can create my life by going outside, having fun and doing things that calls to me. I can allow myself to have the luxury that I want. I don't need to hold myself back anymore for anyone, I call the shots, I always had.

    I can choose what I want because the now is the only place I can truly create from. I'm not in the past in bad times and the past is not a good reason to not allow in something better.

    I can be totally ungrateful, unforgiving, not nice, totally selfish and completely entitled AND STILL manifest a better home, more wealth and just a better life that suits me (and I'm probably better off as such.) The universe isn't looking for saints, it doesn't care so let me express my emotions no matter how "bad" my thoughts or feelings may be (or think how other people will view my feelings). Stuffing them serves no purpose and just causes the resistance to get stronger over time.

    I feel guided to stop hereÖ

    Thank you, itís more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3

  10. #150

    Thumbs up Day 537: Truths about my desires manifesting

    Day 537

    Yesterday was eye opening.

    It became pretty clear to me that I give too many ****s about what people think of my own desires and preferences, and I keep myself from really pursuing them because I donít want to be judged for them. As well as, I keep up this front by being and doing everything for everybody than being true to myself and my own true desires.

    I keep myself busy, keep moving around to avoid pursuing my own desires. If Iím always on the move, too busy or too tired than I donít have to work on my own stuff and face my own trepidations related to them. But thatís isnít serving me anymore and havenít been for a while.

    Iíve been feeling incredibly frustrated as of late towards a lot of things. One of them being is my own lifeís work, what I want to do and being successful at it. Iíve been thinking that thereís no such thing for me, or that I have too many passions or whatever. But the truth is I have a clear lifeís work, but itís related to my own lifestyle that I prefer, however, I have this belief that my own preferences towards the life I want to live is wrong and childish.

    So of course having that belief in place will muddy up my view on my lifeís work. Because my lifeís work is all about the things I love and want to surround myself with in my life. And Iím having resistance about that because of what I think other people will think of it.

    So knowing that, the only thing I really need to do is start breaking that belief down, start nurturing the actual lifestyle that I want and really, be honest with myself, my feelings and with other people. Stop over working myself on things that isnít related to my desires or passions. Stop filling my days doing a bunch of stuff that Iím not truly passionate about. Stop going to meeting and things where I know Iíll feel stressed or annoyed because they are on the muggle track of things. And be honest with people with how I feel, say no, or whatever so I can be clear and also get what I need.

    So what actually do I really want, what is the vision I have for my life?

    Funny enough, my vision is the very same as the very first time I asked that question to myself in the very beginning of this process, but perhaps a bit more detailed.

    Living in an area that has a lot of nature, away from the city but close enough for me to easily visit. I have the pets I want, like a dog, a cat and some guinea pigs and lots of space for them run around. Biggest thing of all is that Iím drawing and creating artwork and selling it, showing it and featuring it in galleries and places all around the world. Iím drawing the magical, fun, colorful art that I want to make. As well as, all kinds of merchandise that are pretty, cute, sparkly, magical and just fun to make and sell. Really highlighting joy and happiness.

    Iím selling all kinds of stuff, things that make me happy and things that I enjoy like sweets, jewelry, bundle packages, fantasy themed things and what not.

    I also have my video game consoles and computers where I can play all my favorite video games, watch cartoons, anime, movies and my favorite shows. I have stacks of Disney and Stuido Gilbli DVDs, artwork and merchandise around my home. Everything is fantasy themed with lots of crystals and mysticism.

    I can play all my favorite games with my friends online, buy more games online and just have fun goofing off online.

    Iím living the life of my dreams, in a house and an area of my dreams doing the things that lifts me up.

    And honestly, even though I had that vision for this whole process, and probably before then, I havenít really embraced it or took it seriously. I was always looking elsewhere or trying to put out other fires. But now I know for sure this is what I want since it lasted this long, hasnít changed and it's not a passing fancy. This is something that I really do want. Better yet, this is something I can manifest with ease and where I am now is the path to my vision.

    I can start letting go of the idea that PH is the only avenue for me to get what I want because that is not true, I am the one that holds the key. If Iím holding the vibe of my vision and everything that I want in it will come to me easily. I donít have to rely on PH to do anything about it or try to make my dreams come true. In the grand scheme of things, they are not a big player, I am, my dreams and desires are.

    I want to write some ďtruthsĒ about the possibility of my vision

    In everything that I manifested, especially the ďhard subjectsĒ in my life, the subject didnít change because I went and did the action journey. Moved things around in the physical world, got a job to get money or etc, it changed because my feelings and beliefs changed. What was the actual barrier wasnít anything physical related, but all emotional and once I shifted my feelings about what I thought I couldnít have or why I couldnít have it, my reality changed. The very thing I wanted just came right on in without me taking any action.

    My vision is real and true. The vision on its own is a manifestation of what I really want. And whatever I can think of, the universe can provide it fully and completely. So that means this idea that I have about the life that I want isnít a pie in the sky. This isnít asking for too much or me being ďunrealistic.Ē This is something the universe can make happen for me no matter what. Regardless of my past, situation or circumstance that Iím in right now.

    Money is not a factor in ANY manifestation. I only believe that I need the money to make it happen, but the truth is I donít. Money is not required and if that is the path of least resistance for me (which it isnít) than the money will come through. But there are infinite ways for me to get everything that I want, in the way that I want it. I donít need to worry about the how of it all because itís the universeís job to put it together.

    What other people think about me, my desires or wants has no bearing if my desire will manifest or not. I never have to worry about what other people think of me because the universe doesnít respond to other peopleís thoughts about me and make it a factor in my manifestation. The universe only factors in my own thoughts and beliefs. So if everyone around me thought less of me, didnít believe in me or thought that I was selfish, crazy or lazy because of what I want and how I want it to come in, it wouldnít affect my ability to manifest my dreams. Of course, unless I was more tuned into their opinions and feeling bad about myself because of what other people thought of me, than my own (positive) opinion of myself.

    I can do it. Period. I can do it and itís totally possible for me. I have everything that I need right now to manifest everything that I want. I have my EGS guiding me to the best path possible. Iím able, Iím smart, I have good wit and I know my Abraham stuff. I have such a big advantage over the worldís population because I know these teachings and how to use them to my advantage. Iím more than able to birth my dreams into reality. Iím smart enough. Good enough. Passionate enough. Spiritual enough. Lovable enough for this desire and all that Iíll ever have. I donít need to doubt myself for any reason and donít need to consider anyoneís opinions about my own life either.

    My own EGS is superior to anyone elseís opinion about what is right for me. My gut will always guide me to the right answer and has plenty of times in the past.

    I feel guided to stop hereÖ

    Thank you, itís more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3

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