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Thread: My Vision process

  1. #11
    Ohhh, thank you so much PTMM, that means a lot to me! Thank you for also believing in my new home as well, as I know it will only help it come into place! I'm really happy this helped you have a breakthrough, I can't wait to read about it! I'm happy that we can inspire and help each other by going towards what we want wholeheartedly. Even though I just started this process less than a week ago, it's been amazingly healing in so many ways! I also really like seeing your process in such great detail, I really do learn so much from you and everyone that posts here.

    Thank you for believing in me! I feel I made a lot more peace with where I am since I posted that a few hours ago, I can let it go and simply focus on other amazing things that are happening in the current moment!

    Much love,

    Kai<3

  2. #12

  3. #13

    Cool

    I feel REALLY inspired to post about my art, my current feelings and realizations of it.

    I realized in the last 24 hours is that my art is deeply tied to my identity, I mean, of course it will since I've been gifted at creativity even before birth. But what I mean is that art is a part of me in a deep way, if something is affecting my art, what I actually produce, the creative process of it and the responses that it receives, I take that in internally as if it is me.

    I see now that is very problematic to have art be so deeply ingrained in my sense of self, I would of thought (and have!) it was a good thing since it meant that I was super committed to my craft. However, that is a very muggle way to think. To have art as such a big part of my identity in such a way that if it is received well, or not so well, or just plain ignored and unnoticed, that I would assume the same to me as a human being as well; that is not being a deliberate creator.

    I
    create my reality, NOT my art. Whoa, I hit on something HUGE.

    For such a long time I lived in this mentality that if my art was well received, that meant that I was to be well received. People would immediately think that I was just as amazing as the art I created, but that is SO NOT THE CASE. And I just thought to myself, "I'm giving my power away to my art, as well as the people that view it."

    Holy crap... I really HAVE been giving my power away to my art and other people outside of me, I've been doing it for a long time, for years. I came into posting my art online with that mentally in the first place, and because I thought I was an awesome artist compared to the people that were around posting their art at that point, I naturally thought it was going to be easy to become popular. But once I started to post my art and it wasn't receiving the popularity I naturally thought it would receive, I started to doubt myself as an artist.

    So then I started to change my art, my style, what I actually drew and such to the styles and the artist's styles I saw that was gaining the popularity I wanted. I started to change myself in the image of those around me in hopes that it would make me popular. I change myself in the styles I saw that got the most attention and praise. But, and this is a major BUT, even though I was doing A LOT of the action journey, and seemingly 'correct' ways of drawing that would yield me the results that I wanted, I never got those results.

    In fact, I just didn't get my intended results (maybe once in a blue moon) of popularity, but the more I tried and failed, the worst I felt as an artist and the more I completely doubted my artistic ability on a deep level. What I once thought of myself as a strong and able artist with skills (even though I knew there were people that were better than me.) That small seed of doubt of when I first joined online, turned into this huge overwhelming belief that I was a horrible artist, because what I thought of myself before I joined, being better than others and able to gain popularity, wasn't the reality that was presented.

    What was being presented was that no one really pays attention to your art, no one is noticing it so that means that you're not that big strong artist as you thought you were. If you were, people would be bangging down your door for your art, you'll be receiving tons of praise and you would have created a huge fan base.

    But instead of ignoring reality and being focused on my innate positive belief about myself, I simply believed what I was seeing, that no one was giving me praise or the praise that I was expecting. I wasn't gaining fans quickly, I wasn't getting no where NEAR the popularity I was expecting. And the simple fact that I wasn't solid in my previous positive belief. I let what was happening dominate my feelings which then turned into a whole belief about myself as a person and as an artist.

    Because of my desire of wanting become popular, I decided to change my style into what I thought would be more desireable to others which then formed a belief that I couldn't trust myself as an artist. I couldn't trust myself as an artist because doing the things I wanted to do and what felt right to me didn't lead to the results I wanted, so I thought I wasn't capable as an artist. Which then down the road presently caused me to avoid (even though I REALLY want to) breaking out on my own and starting my own art career.

    I believed that my ideas and what I created wasn't something other people would be interested in, and even more so invest in. I feared that my original ideas would be outright rejected and I wouldn't gain the success as always dreamed about. That in order for me to be successful, I had to be different, I couldn't be myself on a lot of levels. And even though I've gotten so much better since I started posting my art online over a decade ago, those negative beliefs, and the resulting manifestations still hunts me to this very day.

    I'm still very unsure of myself, I'm not willing to ground myself in one style that I love and draw the things I'm truly inspired to draw. I'm always looking for ways to please others because that was the only way I could get any type of attention towards my art. Which burned me out so bad that the time I couldn't draw on the computer anymore (because my back randomly was in pain), I went into a semi-hiatus that is still on-going. I still draw, but it's very on and off. And everytime I do, I have this voice in my head that is pushing me to do the same thing. Draw what the masses like because that is the only road to success as an artist!

    It's like a never ending soundtrack that only reminds me of my feelings of powerlessness to manifest my artistic desires in the past, like I'll never be good enough by any means to get what I want.

    But now, out of nowhere, I got to the very root of why I have such strong negative feelings about myself as an artist, as a person, as well the intense resistance to my desires. I completely forgot that at one point, I felt very sure of myself as an artist compared to the people online, it's just that I didn't stay in that belief when things wasn't turning out the way I wanted them to go.

    Another breakthrough, even though I knew and saw there were artists better than me, it didn't deter me from what I knew inside, that I was a powerful, able and awesome artist. I saw these artists, their skills and their fan bases and STILL THOUGHT that I was just as awesome too (and achieve greatness as such), I didn't allow reality to have it's way with me. It was after I started posting on my art online did I allow reality to have it's way with me because of my personal experience of being an artist online.

    I had the balls to believe, in the face of something very different that I was still an amazing artist, because in my perspective I was. I saw my skills compared to others, I saw how others drew and always had that positive belief. Nothing negative ever happened that was so great to make me doubt myself as an artist before my experience online.

    I also had another realization that, every artist has their own vibrational make up too, they are attracting and resisting desires also based on what they believe. I already know how this works, it's never about the manifestation. It's about your vibration because that is what the manifestation is showing you, your vibration!

    So it was never the artist's style that gave them success, or what they drew, how they drew it or the creative process of it all. It had nothing to do with what I physically saw, it was purely their vibration, and whatever that was going on behind the manifestational scenes. As it is the same for me, it's not because of my style, what I drew, the ideas I had, the way I drew my pictures, my skills or ANY of that stuff that gave me my less than desired experience, it was my vibration.

    Very quickly after I started posting online and saw that I wasn't getting what I wanted, my feelings about myself changed, from positive to negative and pretty soon it was consistently negative. Which gave me the overall experience that I've gotten. If I stayed in that place of knowing who I am, my art, skills and ability, of course it would of changed my online experience. I would of gotten what I wanted.

    But that's okay because under a week's time I gotten to the very bottom to one of my biggest desires and passions in my life, my art. Now that I can let myself off the hook, and the artists that I was (or still am) jealous or envious of, I can start doing the manfiestinal work of feeling better about myself as an artist. To bring that feeling of sureness back, to know my power, skills and ability is beyond measure no matter what I'm presented with from the outside.

    I can be a passionate, creative, and fun artist again as I was as a child, creating happily without any restrictions. I can allow my path instead of trying to find it so that I can reach the heights I always knew I could. I can draw again, knowing that everything I do is JUST RIGHT AND PERFECT FOR ME no matter how it might be received online or in real life!

    I can have hope again, I can feel good again, I don't have to hide or feel embarrassed about myself as an artist. I can start creating now and not worry about the fear or the result of if this will be the picture that will put me on the map. I can just easily do my thing now and just freaking enjoy it for the sake of enjoying it. The pressure is off, I know what to do now to get my desire, I feel my energy raising like I never felt it before. I just opened a door to my dreams and it feels amazing.

    I feel guided to stop here...
    I feel amazing...


    I love love love this! Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3

  4. #14
    Wow Kai, you are on a roll! I'm not going to be at all surprised when you post some amazing manifestation stories here because you clearly have a ton of positive momentum going!!

  5. #15
    Thank you, thank you! Yes, the energy feels so fresh and new, yet, it's not just out of nowhere, this was in my vortex for a long time. I was just resisting it with my beliefs, it's amazing what you learn when you start going up the emotional scale!

    Oh, I actually just went to the old site where I started to post my art and as I remembered, yes, I was more skilled than the artists there at the time. My feelings about myself (no matter what skill level anyone was on including myself) was purely about what I was observing and it had nothing to do with my already there skills but other factors that wasn't what I want.

    This is so healing for me because, I can trust myself as an artist again, and I saw the praise that I gotten. Even if I didn't feel at the time it was the amount I wanted, it's awesome hearing people say really positive things about my work. This is all about my perspective and where I choose to put my focus on. I have a lot of positive things I can focus on, and I can continue to believe that I'm still and always was a great artist!

    I can't wait to share my successes (and hear about yours) ! Thank you so much for the continued support, it helps a lot too!

    Much love,

    Kai<3

  6. #16
    I feel like we both have very similar ways of doing this work and very high aspirations... I love that we can encourage each other here!

  7. #17
    Yes! Which makes seeing each other processes that much juicier! I'm happy to know that I'm not the only one that wants to manifest an outrageously unique and successful life!

  8. #18
    I feel guided to post about my feelings currently about myself as an artist.


    Day 8:

    How I Feel Currently About Myself as an Artist

    I feel really inspired as myself... It's strange, I'm being guided to not say strictly "artist" but "myself as an artist." I feel that when I just say "artist" I'm thinking in my head someone other than myself, as if I'm referring to a completely different person.

    And I just got it. Before, I was sort of referring to a different person when I talked about myself as an artist. That artist was never truly me, but a totally different person that I wanted to be like. But now I feel that I need to bring that different person and those qualities into myself. I have to believe that I AM THAT ARTIST. I'm not just inspired as "an artist" I'm inspired as myself, as a person.

    I'm not just an artist, in the sense of what other typically think of artists. Yes, I do those typical things an artist does, but for some reason it just doesn't match who I want to be as my artistic self. I need to start blending what I want as an artist with my preferences as my non-artist self. I need to believe that I AM the strong artist I thought I was before, not because I have strong skills but I'm simply a strong person. Who I am inside, is who I am as an artist, regardless of what anyone thinks or feels about it.

    I'm not just a strong artist, I'm a damn good smart one. I know all I need to know to get to where I need to go, to become outrageously successful. I always did, I just believed otherwise, but it's so clear to me now. All I have to do is "think" about it, and feel my feelings and where I'm being guided to do. I already know this stuff, not just the businessy stuff, but the manifestational stuff. It's SO EASY. Just line up with it, just line up with who I am and what I want. I can have it all and I can easily bring that into my experience!

    I feel so sure of myself now. I'm so strong, intelligent, wise and capable, I can do anything I want, I have more than enough power to pull off anything, and I know that for a fact!

    This is for sure, my path in creativity, my energy, my creative process, my work, my life, my everything. This is for sure, I can feel it, the energy is flowing out of me like a waterfall in ways I never felt it before. I feel not only inspired in my life (not just in my art) but I can feel this blending of my artistic self that I projected and the non-artist self that I've been working on for years. Those two very powerful forces are blending and merging together into a strong, brilliant, wise, smart and capable person that does art for a living easily. I can teach about it if I wanted too. But it's an incredibly easy thing for me to do, I never have to try to draw, or feel like drawing, it's just what I do naturally. There is no difference or boundary line between me in my "creative" I'm going to draw and create mode, and the I'm just relaxing, reading a book mode. The two sides are one, I'm always creating and thinking creatively, life is a creative expression of myself that I'm always molding, even when I'm not actually doing the specific activity.

    It's all one, there is no one time that I need to create and draw and not do so the rest of the time, I just do it when I feel it's right. When I'm inspired by life, by everything I'm doing and experiencing, it feels so good. I'm creating new pieces all the time, it's a dream come true seeing all the new artwork that were inspired by my life, I have them hung all over the walls, I'm being sent pictures of my work in other people's homes. I'm checking my website and social media and seeing all the immense praise and adoration for my work, it's wonderfully stunning!

    Yet, it was so easy, I just had to line up with it. I had to believe in myself, fully. Not partly, not when I was actually drawing, not when I was thinking about creating something, not when I was trying to motivate myself to do something creative but all times regardless. I can do "non-artist" things and still be a strong and able artist and I can believe that too. I can forgo the route that other artists take and still be smart about my art. I can do whatever it is that I want to do, and I'll always be an incredibly strong and able artist. That doesn't stop when I stop drawing, even if I stopped for 10 full years, I'm still a strong and capable artist, always...

    I feel guided to stop there...

    This has been such a HUGE breakthrough. I never saw that I was splitting my energy and my sense of self like that. I was an artist, and a very poor one at that, and then I was this amazing person that didn't do art at all. But spirit has shown me that I need to blend the two together again, and stop splitting myself into this tiny pieces and boxes.

    I'm all of me, all the time. Just because I stop doing one thing doesn't mean I'm not that thing anymore. And for years, I felt so guilty that I wasn't drawing that I would try to force myself to draw in hopes that would somehow grant me my "artist status" again somehow. But I would never keep it up (I wonder why lol), so when I would stop I would feel horrible, like I was a bad artist.

    I realised that I was splitting my energy hardcore, I wasn't focus on my art fully. I was just trying to make something happen that my heart wasn't totally into it. I was just trying to prove myself, to make up for something I thought I lost. Meanwhile, in the time I'm in this hiatus of sorts, I'm killing it as far as my recovery from living in an alcoholic family. I'm busting down old beliefs, I'm having breakthroughs, I'm creating positive changes, I'm setting boundaries and sticking to them, I've manifested a safe place for me to life and grow my life. I'm learning so much on so many levels, it's AMAZING.

    But I would look back and want to create my art and art career and would think... I'm such a mess, my art is such a mess. But that's not true, it was just my perspective, as it's always is. All that I learned not only boosts my life but my art too. I'm that artist that is killing it, it's all the same. That's the point. One part of my life doesn't sag while the other benefits, ALL OF MY LIFE BENEFITS from the life I'm creating! And it's an amazing thing!

    When I was creating the vision of my artist self, it really was like another person because I believed I wasn't that person yet. But in truth, I'm already that person and always have been. And I just tuned into that person and blended the once two worlds into one. The strong person and the creative artist, now one into a super awesome, amazing creative person that draws and creates on the fly, all the time, when I want, however I want. There is no boundaries, limits or whatever, it's just is, as it always been!

    I feel guided to stop there...

    This is an amazing discovery, it's been a FULL WEEK and I've transformed myself so deeply and so quickly I wouldn't of believed it if someone told me. I only doodled a small picture once in this week, which was nice and help me to clarify some things but the action wasn't substantial though clarifying, it was the clear and steady focus on what I wanted and soothed the negative emotions that was hindering it! AMAZING.


    I love love love this! Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3

  9. #19
    Okay, I have a lot of contrast to soothe, emotions to get out and just honest feelings that need to be expressed about what happened today.

    Day 9:

    Contrast and my self-perception both old and new

    What happened today really annoyed the living s**t out of me. It started when I was in my music therapy class, we were picking recorded songs that meant something to us. It was (let's call her Betty) it was Betty's turn to pick a song and she picks "Lean on Me." I HATE that song, I always did since I was a child. I was forced to sing it every music class in elementary school with my classmates that were a**holes. That song meant nothing to me because as far as I was concerned I couldn't lean on anyone (in class anyway), and quite frankly, I just hated the song, it's a cheesy mess.

    So I don't say anything because obviously, I figured it wouldn't be the best time to express that. So my good friend that was in the class suddenly expresses that she despises the song and if she was the only one. I turn about in shock to hear about another person that hated that song as much as I did. It's a popular song and I never heard anyone else disliking it, so when she was done, I blurted out without thinking "YOU TOO!?" and gave her a high-five for the fact that I found another person (my best friend no less) that felt the same as I did about this song. My friend went on to further express how she felt about the song in a comical way, that I thought was funny.

    That is when I turn my head and I heard Betty saying something, basically she was offended by what my friend and I said. She was saying to herself whatever she was saying and the only thing I hear clearly was "I didn't like her anyway." I wasn't sure who she was referring to. By that point I realised that my friends opinion and my impulsive action didn't gel well with Betty and I felt embarrassed. I didn't mean to offend her, I was just happy I wasn't the only person on earth that really disliked the song. It had nothing to do with her at all.

    So my friend hears what I heard and asked the facilitator who she was referring too. A little back and forth ensues, between my friend, the facilitator and Betty. Where basicly, Betty is running her mouth about the fact she don't care what anyone thinks and if my friend doesn't like the song so much she can pick her own. That is when my friend maybe said something and got up to leave. The facilitator didn't really intervene between what was happening but praised Betty that she stood up for herself and put that positive focus on her.

    So my friend leaves, and after Betty said what she was saying I made a heartfelt apology. Saying that what I did was wrong and I should've thought about of my actions before I decided to say anything. She responded with something ending with, "you don't mean it anyway." That really PISSED me off because that basicly threw my apology back in my face, something that I didn't have to do, I was just being a "good person" and doing something I thought was the "right thing to do."

    After that and while Betty was saying whatever again, the facilitator again putting this "great job for standing for yourself and not let anyone trigger you" stuff focus on her which I felt was really unfair. Betty wasn't perfect in the way she handled herself either.

    Even though she said that "she didn't care what we thought" she was CLEARLY offended! She said that I didn't mean my apology and after I AGAIN gave another lengthy apology saying that I what I felt about the song had nothing to do with her personally on any level, I just didn't like the song, not the person that picked it... She goes on to say I don't know her she doesn't know me s**t, I need to respect her or whatever she said and that I should mind my own business...

    Really??? Seriously???

    It's a F**king song, I expressed my opinion about it and that's it.

    What I'm actually angry about is this whole dynamic where I felt I was wrong and she was right, even though she was just as wrong with some of the things that she said. Which I could of exploited, but I didn't' because I knew it would of made things worst. I said I sorry TWICE, felt embarrassed for something really stupid in my opinion and there was no hey Betty, take this time to grow thicker skin, no everyone is going to like what you like. All I felt was how my friend and mostly me (since I stayed in the class to take the heat of Betty's anger) was wrong with expressing our feelings about the song.

    I hate the fact I put the effort to even say sorry (TWICE at that) when she said I didn't mean it. Why should I feel bad at all at that point? What am I saving face for??? She's nobody to impress, I barely know her. And that's the point. I'm "trying" to be a good person because somehow I think that is what responsible, good people do. Admit their mistakes and say sorry when they wronged another but all I feel is s**ted on. I DON'T FEEL BETTER. In fact I feel angry and enraged because she got all the benefit from this and I was just the a**hole that "made her feel bad." When we all (at least on this forum) that no one makes you feel anything without your consent.

    Basicly, I felt that I was the bad guy when it takes 2 to tango, I wasn't the only one. Firstly, my friend left which made me then the main target to Betty, and then, I feel s**ted on for expressing my godd*** opinion which I had every right too. But no one mentioned that right. No one mentions that, HEY BETTY, maybe you need to not be so sensitive to everything that you don't agree with, they have the right to say how they feel too. Maybe you need to f**king grow up, it's a ****ing song, I agreed I didn't like it displayed that with a high-five for my OWN PERSONAL REASONS not to bring down you down and that's it. I wasn't thinking about her, how she felt or what my actions might react in her, simply because that wasn't in my thinking equation, I was thinking about myself not her, if I did more than likely I wouldn't of said anything. And that is the very thing that made me so quiet in the past.

    I feared that I would offend someone and they would hate me and there would be tension, which I really want to avoid. So I'm careful with my words, I don't say things I really mean and avoid saying anything that I think would offend someone for whatever reason. But then I would look at myself and think that I'm weak or not strong because I am quiet and don't voice my actual opinion. Today was no different, even though I did the "right thing," admitted my mistake, and apologised, a part of me wished I would've said something like "who f**king cares, I agreed to what my friend said and it was my opinion. IT IS MY OPINION." And as far as to mind my own business? My opinion and what I think about a song is minding my own business. I wasn't thinking about you on any level, stop being so self absorbed, the whole thing wasn't about you. And quite frankly, if you really feel so offended personally by what we thought of a song and NOT YOU, you need to do more work on yourself. Plain and simple...

    I feel better but a part of me wants to be more bold and not fold in so quickly when someone is offended by what I say or do. I can say sorry but not as I did... Twice. I need to let people be who they are and whatever they feel, that is not my work, I need to take care of myself. But I'm not a bad person because of what happened, I was having a good time and I found a connection with my friend that I didn't think I would make to anyone. I'm happy I found it, I don't regret being purely authentic in the moment and I don't want to send any more messages to myself that says being myself is not okay because other people won't like it.

    It's great to be me and express my opinions, how I want to express them. I don't go out to hurt people, I don't feel good intentionally doing so, which I wasn't doing so I'm okay. Betty can feel hurt but I still have to live and feel good about myself which I do, f**k Betty, she's not my source and we both have our own lives and I know that is in store for me. I'm powerful, I'm creating some pretty awesome stuff in my life and I'm still worthy of everything I want. The universe only agrees to what we feel, not what we think is the right or wrong thing. And I want to feel good, I do feel good, writing this remind myself of how awesome I am despite it all.

    Life is good, always!


    I love love love this! Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3

  10. #20

    Cool

    I wanted to milk some good feeling emotions and just get my thoughts out there.

    Day 10:

    Selfishness

    I feel a lot better from yesterday, I had so much taking up my day, preparing for my favorite anime convention I'm going to on thursday, I naturally got distracted by late afternoon.

    I'm happy because yesterday I got news that my new place is going to be ready for me by wednesday, so when I come home from the anime convention, my next move will be moving into my new home, I'm SO EXCITED!

    What I'm most excited about is having space, space for just me and MY STUFF. And not just physical stuff, but emotional, spiritual, and mental stuff. I can be myself purely without worrying about what anyone might think. I don't have to think about if what I do might offend some one or I might be too this or too that, I can just be myself. I can buy the kind of food I want, I don't have to think about others, I can purely think about myself... I love being selfish... that's it. The feeling of selfishness feels so good to me.

    In the past I didn't want to admit that, but somehow I admired people that had that mentally, they just went for what they want and didn't look back. I wanted that but was bogged down by what I thought was my responsibilities, duties and commitments. Which 90% wasn't mine in the first place, but this feeling of selfishness, feels so refreshing, as if I'm drinking water for the first time.

    I think this feeling is so good is because I haven't been totally selfish but needlessly selfless and the situation that happened yesterday REALLY showed me that I rather be selfish and think about myself than be selfless and think about others. I'm learning that, I'm not being totally honest with myself or the other person when I'm not being selfish. I want to think about myself and not be bogged down by another's thoughts, feelings or how they might react to me, I can't be myself when I'm considering others feelings all the time and I just rather not take the time to do so. I just want to create. Create my life, my style, my destiny that fits me perfectly and I can't do that if I'm looking around trying to see how I can fit everyone else in MY picture. It just can't happen, if I want to be seriously and deliciously happy. And I see that is the problem.

    I'm not being selfish enough with what I truly want to be in the world. I keep tip toeing around trying not to step on any toes but that only keeps me in a state where I'm not accessing my true joy. I'm only allowing just a certain amount, type and state of joy because if I decide to do something that I think other people doesn't like I stop myself from doing it. I'm thinking about my actions and considering how it's going to play out, as I was taught, because it was "respectful" but it's soul sucking for me. I don't want to be super people pleaser anymore, I want to say what I want to say and how I want to say it.

    It's not to say I'm going be a mean person because I'm naturally friendly, but I want to be more free to be all that I am and thinking about how other's feel about that is limiting that. So I'm going to stop thinking, caring and considering others feelings about what I do, because when I'm in my state of bliss, I'm aligned with source, and when I'm aligned with source the whole world opens up to me. I get everything I ever wanted, quickly and easily, but that stops when I consider how another feels and take on feelings of shame, embarrassment and guilt when I see how the other person reacts, even if I'm not truly sorry.

    This is a huge discovery for me, perhaps a big piece of the bread crumb that the universe has been dropping for me to see where I can use a boost in my vortexing work.

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