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Thread: My Vision process

  1. #21
    Yey, so exciting that you have a moving date! I agree with you on being more "selfish," which I put in quotes because taking care of your own alignment above all is actually the nicest thing you can do for other people too! And people actually stop leaving their toes everywhere for you to step on when you get into alignment

  2. #22
    Quote Originally Posted by pleasedtomeetme View Post
    And people actually stop leaving their toes everywhere for you to step on when you get into alignment
    It's interesting that you say that because I had this assumption, or heck, let's call it a belief that, even when you're expressing yourself fully, you will still encounter people that don't like you/it. Or in your words "keep putting their toes out for me to step on." At the time, when I got excited, totally in myself I wasn't thinking about if I'm stepping on anyone's toes. However, in the reaction Betty had, maybe it wasn't so much of Betty leaving her toes out for me, but I put my toes out for her to step on.

    I didn't like the song, but I didn't have a strong negative reaction, it was just annoying. Then I had a really positive feeling when my friend said she didn't like the song and that felt good to me, I was in my bliss. But Betty from the time my friend mentioned she didn't like the song, she felt offended, and it got even worst when I chimed in. I don't know her vibe obviously but it seemed like we reacted to her expectations.

    In the scheme of things, me and my friends where Betty's gremlins vs. Betty being my gremlin looking back. And it's also interesting that Betty rarely comes in the group and she had to come to music therapy because her normal group was canceled or something.

    Just a thought you triggered that really helps me understand LOA from a very different perspective!

    Besides that, today I talked to my facilitator about what happened in music therapy and my feelings of wanting to be more selfish. The conversation was great because I cleared up a lot of my negative feelings about myself in the situation and that I got really clear on what I need to do to make myself happier without having to put other people's feelings above my own!

    It keeps getting better!

    Kai <3

  3. #23

    Unhappy

    It's been 6 days since I last posted in this thread and I'm feeling SO frustrated right now.

    Day 16

    How I Feel Currently


    So no sooner that I come home from volunteering from my favorite anime convention yesterday night, I get an email telling me that my assigned date for signing the least was this morning.

    I replied despite the little to no time to catch myself in my typical groove again or prepare for the move, I replied that I'll be able to do it. So I come to the place to sign and wait for the person to meet me and he never shows up. I was so f**king frustrated, pissed off and angry I didn't know what to do, plus I was really hungry and generally just wanted to kill something at that point.

    Come to find out the housing organization wanted me to pick another date since I replied too late to the original email, of course I get this message in the morning where I can't check my emails so I completely missed it till the afternoon after I left from waiting an hour for nothing.

    So now that I know what happened (after contacting my case manager and telling her what happened), replied to the email saying that thursday would be a better day, of course I didn't get an answer confirming the date. I'm so f**king tired of this. Why is the very last piece of this being such a total pain in the ass???

    I just want to sign my lease and move and everything that can possibly screw up, things that shouldn't be an issue or should be easy to fix, are becoming really f**king big barriers and I'm tired. I just want to move.

    I'm f**king angry, I'm f**king tired, I'm f**king irritated, I'm f**king tired of being here, doing the same crap day after day. After having such a great time at the convention and feeling normal for the first time in pretty much since I got in shelter I really have no tolerance for staying in here. I want to move, I want a normal life, I want the life that I want, the life I was meant to live. This is too much. Constantly around people, constant bad smells, constant grouchy people in the neighborhood, constant bad attitudes, trast in the streets and just a really f**king disgusting city. I really don't like the city I was born in, hell you can say that I loathe this city. I like parts of the city but in general I really don't like this city at all. I don't want to deal with it anymore. I might be born here but it's far from feeling like home.

    I haven't felt that in a really long time and quite frankly I feel completely displaced in the world. The life and "home" that I previously had I hated and contained nothing that I really wanted and the shelter, even though it helped me a lot has nothing I prefer either. The life I always wanted to create for myself always felt like a fantasy or not real or childish but at this point of my life, I don't care. The life that I want, I want because I want it and I can't f**king have it if I'm constantly around people, places and things that goes against it. I can't have the space and peace that I want to create the life that I want if I don't have my own space to be in my own energy. Everything is planned out where I can't even eat when I really want to eat because of the rules and just how the shelter is, I can't deal with this anymore, I just want to go. I want a normal life again, I want peace and quiet again which is so hard to come by if I'm not in my room with my depressed roommate which is driving me crazy with her stupid door problem.

    I'm just in a really angry place where I just want to know exactly the time and date where I can sign this lease, which I've still haven't gotten yet so I don't know what's going on, where I know for sure that I'm going to sign it so I can then prepare and know that it's going to happen. I hate this s**t I feel like I want to hurt people, like I want to inflict as much pain on another that I feel in myself.

    I'm just tired, I want out, I hate this shetler s**t, I'm done, I don't want to be grateful for any of this anymore and just say... I don't like this life, living in the shelter sucks, I want way better, I deserve better, I don't care if it sounds selfish, greedy or whatever. This whole thing sucks, I'm tired and angry. I wish they would get back to me and tell me what the confirmed time and date. I have so many other appointments this week and everything is being jammed up because of this, and I'm trying my best to make everything work but I can't make everyone happy. I just want to move, I don't care what needs to be rescheduled, who gets mad or whatever, they haven't been living in a shelter for over a year. I'm just focused on me and MY needs, not anyone else's needs or what they think MY needs are. This is all BS, just want it all to end.

    I don't know what else to say, I'm just angry that I'm still here when the time to sign the lease is finally here, when everything is in place, when I have everything I need. I just want this all to end, I don't care anymore. F**k it.

  4. #24
    I'm in a place where I have so much stuff that I want but don't have that's been thrown in my face in the last week. I'm seeing the importance of "coming clean" with how I really feel to soothe those emotions in some way. Even though I love focusing on the positive, I feel that expressing how I truly feel actually gives me a lot more oomph and depth in this work which makes feeling and focusing on the positive a lot easier.

    Day 17

    Single's Blues


    So over the weekend, I went to my home convention, Zenkaikon, which was so much fun. I volunteered there with my friends every year for the past 6 years so it's the highlight of the year for me; I enjoy it so much. So I go there with my friends but my bestest friend, Brandon, wasn't able to go because he couldn't get off from work. I was really disappointed since he never misses the convention and I thought that it wouldn't be the same (it wasn't but it was still really great) without him. But that's not really the point.

    Even before we set out to go to the convention, I was at my friends Jer's house. My other friend Danny and her boyfriend, which is also my bestest friend, Brandon, was there. I was so excited to see Brandon since it's been a long time and it's hard for us to hang out anymore. But anyway, Danny and Brandon were doing their couple thing, playing around and whatever and I get the sharp, piercing, and stabbing reminder that I want that too, a life partner.

    My friend Jer also has a girlfriend and throughout the convention (which was 4 days) I was reminded quite a bit about my lack of a partner. It was particularly painful the first day we got to the convention. Not only was my friends talking to their spouses on the phone but also there were a lot of couples at the convention cosplaying (dressing up as characters from anime/tv shows) together, having fun together and just having a good time. Even one of my other mutual friends that was going to room with us, who was single the last time I saw him found a really awesome and sweet girlfriend. They were actually wearing a matching couple's t-shirt and plushies of anime characters that they liked. It was really awesome, but I was dying in the inside.

    I felt really bad, but in the midst of it I decided to promise myself that I'll will have as much fun as possible, regardless of my then really depressing feelings. I also think that because my friend Brandon wasn't there this year, I felt that I didn't have someone that I could really connect to on a deep level.

    I wasn't jealous or angry at my friends or the people that had partners, I actually felt that it was great that they have that in their lives, but it was more of "where's mine?"

    How I Actually Feel

    Honestly speaking, I feel really terrible about not having a partner. I've been working so hard on myself for so many years on so many levels, I'm just not understanding why nothing is happening. What am I'm doing wrong??? And it's not about having a "partner" but someone that I can really connect to on a deep level; someone that I can really trust that wants the same things as I do and feels the same about me as I do for them.

    I feel skipped, like I'm the only one in the world that just can't find love, or don't have anything close to that. Granted, I have such love and support from everyone around me, it's pretty damn magical how blessed I am to have people that take to me so positively when I felt so undeserving of people's affections and good spirits for most of my life. I try to convince myself that all the love I'm looking for is in everyone that loves or likes me in the now. I try not to look in what I don't want, I try to be grateful for what I have, I try not to make a big deal about it and trust that it will come when the time is right, but I'm dying inside. I can't hold on to these real and raw emotions anymore, I feel like I'm lying to myself at this point.

    I'm not sure if there is really someone there out there for me, I think I believe there is someone out there, but I honestly haven't seen it at all. No one catches my attention, I've seen no promising people. There was only one person that I feel guided to contact that I actually liked and nothing came out of it. I'm not mad about it since I wasn't trying to make anything happen but follow my guidance but the point is... Nothing that I do works. Nothing works, I feel f**ked. I read books, articles, blogs, watch videos, signed up for free products, anything related to romance and finding true love and nothing works.

    That's it, nothing works. That's the frustrating, the burning and grinding underlying core of this whole topic that is pulling the strings of everything. Nothing I do works, nothing. The years I've invested in trying to make this work, even not trying to make it work, simply doesn't work, and I don't know why. Why doesn't it work? It's not about what I'm missing or what I haven't done, I've done it all but still, nothing shows up. The most I get is the same repeating numbers and sometimes the name that I associate with my future partner. I did have two experiences where the type of guys I do like approached me towards spiritual subjects I would want him to be interested in, which was huge for me but that's it. No one that I've seen has been anyone I want, even if they want me which is even more frustrating. I don't know what to do but I do feel better, I feel like I finally expressed the voice that was screaming to be known...


    Now to soothe myself

    Honestly this is the best I've felt about this subject in a really long time, seriously, even when I was feeling good about it. I feel like I'm not lying to myself anymore, I just got real with myself about what was actually going on. I finally admitted the truth instead of pushing my feelings aside and pouring blind positivity on top of them. I feel so much relief about this.

    Knowing that nothing is working and accepting that makes me eager to move on from it. From this feeling that "this should be working so why isn't it working" to "nothing is working so why try to make it work anymore?" It's not about, again, trying to convince myself that someone is out there waiting for me, that doesn't make me feel good at all for whatever reason. What does feel good is this relief that
    nothing is working, so I don't need to work at it anymore; I don't have to keep trying day after day after day anymore. I don't have to keep proving myself to this "perfect lover," or to be perfect somehow for this big love or whatever I think is going to take me to a place I've never been.

    And the fact is, that isn't true. True love or whatever isn't the ONLY way I'll experience big love in my lifetime. I experience it with my family, friends, pets especially and even the wonderful women whom I share my current living space with. It's not the romantic fantasy I've been daydreaming and fantasizing about, but it's pretty damn awesome. Never in a thousand years would I have such love and appreciation in my life. It's probably one of, if not the biggest surprises in my life today. I can't believe I have all of this love in my life and I'm in such a place to be more receptive to it, it's pretty damn huge.

    But even in that light, I'm still longing for someone to really understand me deeply. It's like that one spot that I just can't fill. But, I'm never given a desire that the universe can't bring to me, even if I have no dog done idea how to go about it. And that is okay too. I don't have to know, I don't have to be perfect, I don't have to prove myself, I don't have to be envious of others, I don't have to go searching, I don't have to pretend that I'm "okay" when I'm not. I can be exactly where I'm at and I'm perfect for the love and understanding that I desire. I don't know how it's going to come, and I don't have to, or even care if it does, but it will show itself to me somehow. I don't know but it will and it won't matter if I'm ready or not, if I'm perfect or not or if I'm actually wanting and desiring it or not. It'll just come, somehow. I can let it go entirely and let it do whatever it's going to do because nothing works and that feels good to me.


    If it never comes that's fine because I'm not constantly looking at every man on the planet hoping and even more so hoping not that said person is my soul mate.


    I feel a lot better, I felt really bad before but now I'm actually feeling hopeful. Not for the soulmate to come but I can let this go and have my life back. I can stop thinking about this and just enjoy my life as I always wanted to. Regardless if I have a partner or not.

    I can just let go and be at peace...

    Kai <3

  5. #25
    And after posting that, I realized that it's not "love" that I'm after but, "understanding." I want someone that deeply understands me, my mind, beliefs, the way I see the world. I feel that plenty of people love me, even love me deeply (which I honestly can't grasp but that is another situation in itself) but it's so rare for another person to actually "understand me" and even want the same things as I do.

    I've been confusing love with understanding, it's not like I don't want love, but being understood seems to be the more alluring and elusive thing that I feel I'm lacking in my life today. As if I can never truly open up to anyone because I feel the way I think and see the world is so different. I don't feel safe that I'll be accepted for the way I think and understand the world, even though I have a lot of acceptance in that area, my ideas go so much deeper that I feel I can't express to others. I feel like I have nowhere to go but to myself which is bothersome, I feel I should be able to talk about it to others.

    I want someone that I can really communicate with that is on my level of understanding, that won't judge me because I'm different and expresses it boldly.

    That feels better to have that breakthrough and have more clarity on what I want.

    Kai <3

  6. #26
    I have to say, deciding to follow my feel good and make this thread and expand on my visioning process has been one of the best decisions I made! I really enjoy sharing my manfiestional journey and more so, I enjoy getting down and dirty with my real emotions and soothing them!

    Day 18

    New Chapter


    I just got word this morning that I'll be moving this coming Monday! I could scream from the rooftops! I've been at this for so long, just waiting for the perfect time for all this to come together and finally that time has arrived!

    I don't just feel relief, I feel as if a burst of held back energy has been released and I can feel all the wonderful things I'm going to do once I'm settled in. Zenkaikon has really boosted my true self as far as what I want and who I am. It reminded me of the person I really am and what I really want and love to do. I'm a creative person, I love video games, I love anime and anything that pretty much pertains to fun, creativity and seemingly childish pastimes. It's always been my thing and one of my former stage names as an angel reader was "Inner Child."

    This year at Zenkaikon, I accepted that everyone truly lives in their own reality. There is no right way to live or to be. If you want to focus on video games as a passion and purpose (as I do), that is just as authentic and valuable as a person who wants to be a doctor or a lawyer. If you want to slow dance to a kid's movie soundtrack, that's more than just fine. If you want to dress up in all kinds of colors, style and makeup and that makes you feel good, then you should do it. There is truly nothing wrong with the way people live that makes me them happy.

    And I noticed that I haven't been accepting myself and the way I want to live as something that was not only okay, but acceptable and something I can truly thrive off of. I've always thought that I needed to be a spiritual healer and help save the world for whatever reason. I felt that was more purposeful and meaningful than playing video games all day, watching anime and being the go to person for everything cartoons, video games and anime. I truly thought that, if I was to be a "good" person, to be a respectable person, to be the person that someone could be proud of, I had to somehow fix the problems of the world. I always went after the position in which I thought I would fix the world in some way and honestly speaking it was never a passion for me, it wasn't something I deeply longed for. I just like to see people happier and healthier than they thought they could be, but my passion isn't anywhere close to helping people, as helpful as I am.

    My passion is art, creativity, ideas, and creating something new in the world. I don't want to try to fix the world, I just want to expand on it. I want to see what it's like if I mix two concepts together or if I decided to be a warrior in another planet or anything that just takes you much further than "what is."

    And I've haven't been honoring that in myself, but trying to fix something that doesn't need to be fixed. I've been holding out on my dreams for a lifetime because I thought I wasn't good enough. And the simple fact is, I HATE trying to fix something that is broken and has nothing to do with me. I hate trying to make an issue something that I think would be better for it. I don't care what goes on in the world, I only care what is going on in mine. I've been scattering my energies for so long that I couldn't see why my dreams haven't been coming true and why I fear so much of my own powerful success.

    That, my success wouldn't look good enough for others, that people won't respect me or that somehow I'll lose it all because people would see me for who I am and think that I'm selfish and childish. All of which isn't true, I'm just committed to my own alignment and know for a fact that people can always find a way to their own, it's not up to me anymore. I don't take responsibility for anyone's happiness anymore and only take responsibility for mine, and that is the best feeling in the world!

    I love being selfish, I love being into myself, I love being the center of my own universe and that is good for me. It's the best for me and is something I have to keep doing to keep me sane. And I haven't been doing that for my own self, for my own sake, sanity and being. I've been ignoring it and pushing it down when it desperately wants to come up and speak to me and to the world.

    And I definitely think that's one of the reasons why my sense of self has been so low was because I wasn't accepting of myself fully. I would only accept some parts and not others, simply not considering or outright ignoring certain parts of myself. I hid the parts of me I thought was fake, not real, ego based, wrong, childish, selfish, superior or whatever I thought needed to be hidden from the world. Parts of me that I thought would make me an outcast, different, bright, successful in something that I wanted or down right happy.

    I hid those things thinking that, if I'm happy with these childish things, than that means I'm childish and inferior in someway. So I had to be bigger than life in other areas and so outlandish that everyone would know me, but that's so not true. I was running away from my true self, not helping it thrive.

    But now I see that those dark parts of me are nothing to be afraid of. I can be myself, do the things I truly want to do and thrive on all levels in those things. I can stop trying to be someone that I'm not and when I started this thread, 17 days ago, I didn't feel that I could be all of who I am. I didn't think I could be a talented and successful artist, or could have a creative life or simply only include things that I LOVE.

    I thought I had to be someone different and try to make those things me, even though they wasn't. I thought I was broken or something was wrong with me that nothing seemed to fit or work. But it's not true, I was just looking in the wrong direction, as I say.



    How I Feel About Myself

    I feel really good about myself, not just because of the great news but because I made it this far in understanding myself on levels that I was afraid to go. I decided a long time ago that understanding myself was the best way to be myself, in the best way possible and I'm doing that right now. I'm understanding myself, my identity, so that I know how I operate and how to make myself happy and a lot of people don't have the level of insight about themselves. But I do, I did that, I did the work, the fun, hard, challenging, thrilling and most of all satisfying work. And it's paying off everyday even in times where I feel lost and afraid, it's still working and I can't forget that.


    I have the tools to make myself and my life the way I want to and nothing outside me of can block that!

    I just feel really good about myself, I can't wait to start planning all the things I want to take with me into my new life!


    I love love love this! Thank you, thank you, thank you! It's more than enough!

    Much love,

    Kai <3


  7. #27
    Leonie's Avatar
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    Dear DoNL, how inspiring and uplifting is your last post here. (Havenít read the rest yet.) 17 days isnít long to have built momentum that works for you in feeling this good. So good, so good, so good! Congratulations!

  8. #28
    Quote Originally Posted by Leonie View Post
    Dear DoNL, how inspiring and uplifting is your last post here. (Haven’t read the rest yet.) 17 days isn’t long to have built momentum that works for you in feeling this good. So good, so good, so good! Congratulations!
    Wow, thank you so much Leonie! Yes, the changes and momentum that was created in this short of time is simply amazing, I never knew that I could heal such resistance so quickly! But I wasn't trying to heal it all in one day, I was open in the how and that really does make all the difference!

  9. #29
    Just a quick pick me up before I go to bed


    Day 19

    Wanting a Mate


    Today I saw a lot of couples, there was a parade for a local college team in my city. Well there were a lot of people in the subways for the parade that was from the college and, of course, I saw a lot of couples. It actually seem so bizarre on how many I saw. But the point is that I saw a lot of couples holding hands and even though I sort of made peace... Okay I didn't really make peace with not having a mate but just felt better about it, I still felt deep inside that I wanted a mate.

    I thought I was over it, I thought I didn't really want one but I'm always proven wrong and I feel really conflicted. I love my freedom, I love not caring or focusing on something that makes me upset. But deep down inside I KNOW I really really would want a mate too. It's like I don't know what to do about it anymore but sit back and just let it all past me by. It's like I lost the oomph of trying, I just rather not put out the effort or energy of trying so I just sit back and wait.

    My guide did suggested that I "make space" for him since I'm moving to my own place which makes me excited but at the same time, I'm not sure if it will work. I want to believe that somehow it will happen if I do the right thing(s) but experience says otherwise so I'm just stuck in the middle longing for something I believe can't really happen to me. Or more so, I'm longing for something I feel is "stuck" out there in the ethers. And the more I try to make it unstuck, it doesn't budge.

    Granted, I did made a lot of personal progress (within 2-3 months) as far as my confidence of smiling, flirting and admitting when a guy is cute but it's like I forgot all those things. Like I'm back to square one... I'm not sure what happened...


    Now to Soothe Myself


    Yes, I have made a lot of progress but life got in the way and I just got focused back on myself than other people, but that doesn't mean that I can't remember my confidence and spunk.

    And it just hit me, I don't need spunk or to be anything to anybody but the best person I can be to myself. I don't need to be anything to another person to somehow convince them that I'm the right person, in fact, I've been doing this whole thing completely wrong! Instead of trying to get blood out of a daisy with trying to project this image that I'm somehow desirable to another person, I need to actually just need to focus so intensely on myself, to make myself happy, to make myself desirable to myself that the perfect person will find me.

    I never really gotten that concept on such a level because I have been more focused on changing me to fit an outside person than just focusing on being so true to myself that an outside person will naturally fit with the real me.

    And even when I have this great breakthrough, a possible change that can bring the perfect mate to me, I feel slighted. As if "great more work to do!" and that's when I get frustrated and not want to do anything. I'm sick of waiting, trying, convincing myself, longing for the whole thing. I wish I can be truly content with the way things are without the deep desiring of a mate, or just being okay with this taking a little more time. But I'm angry that I don't have the mate and that I still have "work to do." I feel like I have to work and work and work for the mate to come and I HATE IT. Everything feels like work and I just want this to be effortless, fun and easy. WHY CAN'T IT BE EASY. I feel that I'm always working on this and I hate work. It's the total opposite of what I love. No wonder nothing is working because I hate the fact that I'm constantly working at it or I feel that I need to because I'm not perfect the way I am. I always have to work on something to make me more suitable and I'm super tired of that.

    I hate working on this so I'm deciding to not work at it. I don't care anymore, no more work, I rather have fun and enjoy myself and my freedom, than work on/for ANYTHING.

    But I feel better talking about my feelings and trying to navigate all this so I've done my part!

  10. #30
    Yay DoN! Nothing is more important than feeling good!


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