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Thread: Relationships, Evolving Sex and Romance

  1. #1

    Relationships, Evolving Sex and Romance

    I am looking for someone on here who has had an experience around transforming their
    marriage / relationship into a new space. Perhaps the reason why this issue is a focus for
    me is because of the contrast that I am experiencing between me and my wife.

    I read many of the abe books and continue to watch the videos and do different
    exercises. My quest to create a stronger connection, marriage and intimacy is really
    driving me to work on this.

    Over the last 4-6 months I have mainly focused on work and things that feel good
    because I can work on these things and get results and get to better feeling thoughts
    however that has not seemed to impact me on these topics with me and my wife.

    Something happened yesterday that perhaps was destined or in the vortex, perhaps
    it manifested out of my focus lately..

    My wife went to get coffee for me and her and this usually takes about 5 minutes, so
    an hour passes and I am wondering where she is, then I call the coffee place and they
    say she is talking to someone ...another hour passes and she is still there and its
    been two hours....which is very interesting because my wife does not spend time
    and is not in the habit of having long conversations especially with someone she does not
    know..

    It turns out it was a dad from my daughters school who is going through a divorce and
    he started sharing about school and whats going on with a divorce and issues in life and
    I guess my wife started sharing as well what she has gone through and her experience.

    So my wife got back and told me this thing happened and she felt like the guy needed
    someone to speak with and so she felt like offering advice and listening. Yet I think my
    wife perhaps learned something from this as well... because when she got back she
    suggested perhaps we call the babysitter that we have her number ...

    So late last night my wife offered to give me a massage and we started talking romantic.
    The gap with my wife is we have had sex / physical connection like 3 times in the last
    18 months. When I discuss with wife around the intimacy and romance she always will
    shift the conversation off to life or blame me for the lack of - vs her suggesting any
    ways to work on the connection.

    Last night my wife then after the massage shared that me saying something dirty ( in her mind)
    that she was over that in her life.. She then said she was going to explain something that may sound
    crazy ...she said that when she spoke to that guy she realized that as she has gone through life
    she will do something she wants and then move on. She said she has been thinking lately why is
    it that she does not want to have sex...her explanation was that when we started going out she
    wanted to have sex, all of the time... then she wanted to have a baby and that was the purpose of
    sex, and then after having our child, now she is wondering why she should have sex because she
    has already had sex, and reproduced and now how does she evolve sex into something else.. I have
    explained to her that sex is not just about "sex" my wife feels like I want to have sex for the sake
    of having it but what I want is TRUE connection, passion, intimacy and desire to want to connect with
    each other and sex is a by-product... she thought that perhaps I was not telling the truth, I tried to
    explain that sex without connection is kind of meaningless and then I started to ask her ..

    What does that evolved sex look like for you ?
    What ideas are you thinking about around evolving sex ..and working on something better ?

    She said I do not know, she also shared that as she has gone through life she does something
    and moves on, she wants go to certain school and she does and she moves on, married before
    because of parents selling her on getting married, she gets divorced and moves on, sex for sex, then
    moves on, child bearing and moves on, she shared that after having our daughter she felt she
    already did that, why would she want to that all over again ...

    Last week I had a talk about working on being closer and connected because I felt that
    no matter how we talk or what we do - we seem to be in this holding pattern, stale mate
    position - and what is funny is my wife wants to evolve our sex into something new, which
    is a way seems the same as what I want to do is to evolve our relationship, yet when we
    try and discuss its almost as if wife wants to talk about it, inquire and then when it comes
    to it she disconnects and wants her space and does not do anything...

    Last week I suggested that I go speak with someone about my challenges around our relationship
    such as a couples counselor and she said she would go with me after I go by myself. I know for
    many ABE-RS they don't believe in marriage counseling ... however i do not feel that we have
    been taking any action towards working on the relationship and the funny thing I feel as if we
    both want the same thing - just that we are communicating or hearing it differently...

    I want all that my wife is communicating yet every time I move towards my wife or chat
    it seems she disconnects and either goes to a few places, depressed, worried, disconnected
    or wanting space.. in the past I have solely focused on myself and worried about my better
    feeling thoughts and i feel great and she is either still in the low energy space or tired or
    something and I truly feel that perhaps there is some underlying issue...what if I - or her
    have some pattern we can't recognize that is contributing to all of these issues ? Is it not
    healthy to work on these together perhaps with some who is aligned with healthy marriages?
    I feel us pretending and staying stuck will keep us where we are which seems to be in LIMBO..

    When do you take action? Is there no action required and perhaps I am thinking about
    all of this too much and want a solution, years have gone by - I do not see any
    solutions showing up... she will say she wishes she can do blah blah but we do not
    have the money, before we had tons of money and there were no issues,, there seems
    to be moving brass rings, if we made a million dollars we would not have these issues
    and when I made money there seem to be other distractions in life that got in the way.
    It seems like there is always something that redirects her mind for goals and our relationship/
    marriage seems to be on the back burner all of the time unless all the sun, stars and moon
    line up in the sky and the cow jumps over the moon a CERTAIN Way perhaps there is a
    chance for us to spend time together, there seems to be too many if this than thats..
    At this point in my marriage I feel lots of burden on me because i feel like in order for
    my wife to want me/desire me or be connected romantically I am responsible for making
    500k per year and creating some structure for my wife to feel better in order for her to
    think about that, its as if she is always telling me to focus on me to make money and that
    will fix everything and she will feel better, with that I ask - should we not feel connected
    and it not be based on me building ROME in order to --blah blah blah and that is my
    question is WHY am I doing all of this and for what ? Should we not enjoy each other
    with or without money - - and can't a stronger relationship generate more energy to
    accomplish all of your goals. For some reason at the moment I feel that my personal
    connection with her seems to be very important because I am not sure what is happening
    because of our disconnection in intimacy / passion ..

    What do I want from You ?

    Advice on how you have brought passion back into your relationship!!
    Examples and things , exercises that have worked for this arena...I know
    I should not be attached to certain expectations however I have this white hot desire for transformation ..

    What do I want with my wife :

    I want us to be aligned and passion to be awakened between us.
    I want to evolve our physical connection, perhaps my opinion is the way to
    evolve our connection is to get connected and physical more and move that
    to a different place, how do you evolve something if your not doing it at all.
    In my experience how do you get better at sex if you only have it once every
    6 months ? How do you evolve the experience without connecting with your
    partner ?

  2. #2
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Moderator's Note: Friends, even though the OP of this thread is not specifically focused in such a way, I want to thank you in advance for keeping this thread focused on the teachings of Abraham.

  3. #3
    Super Kitty Marc's Avatar
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    We've had a lengthy discussion with you on this same topic here:
    http://www.abeforum.com/showthread.p...age-Connection

    Rather than repeating what we've already discussed, why don't you fill us in on what you've been doing to apply what we've already recommended?

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    We've had a lengthy discussion with you on this same topic here:
    http://www.abeforum.com/showthread.p...age-Connection

    Rather than repeating what we've already discussed, why don't you fill us in on what you've been doing to apply what we've already recommended?
    I have been applying focusing on better feeling thoughts. For some reason I have not seen many shifts. Maybe I am bad at this.
    I am already not feeling progress and its now influencing the rest of the passion for me around life ..If i can only figure this out ...

  5. #5
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by freedommind15 View Post
    I have been applying focusing on better feeling thoughts.
    Give us more on this, please. Because the story that you've told here is essentially the same story that you've been telling us about this situation, which means that your thoughts haven't shifted all that much. That would be a good place to start.

    Quote Originally Posted by freedommind15 View Post
    For some reason I have not seen many shifts.
    Which makes sense, since you're essentially telling the same story.

    Quote Originally Posted by freedommind15 View Post
    Maybe I am bad at this.
    I'm sure you could find a better-feeling thought than that to think about this.

  6. #6
    FallenAngel's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by freedommind15 View Post
    ....years have gone by - I do not see any solutions showing up... How do you evolve the experience without connecting with your
    partner ?
    As Marc said, your other lengthy thread addresses this very thing. You've also messaged at least one person (me) about "how to do it" so I'm not sure that more words are gonna help here.

  7. #7
    Jewel M.'s Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by freedommind15 View Post

    So late last night my wife offered to give me a massage and we started talking romantic.
    The gap with my wife is we have had sex / physical connection like 3 times in the last
    18 months. When I discuss with wife around the intimacy and romance she always will
    shift the conversation off to life or blame me for the lack of - vs her suggesting any
    ways to work on the connection.
    freedommind15,

    Be simpler. The next time this happens, just purely enjoy the massage she is giving you (instead of having a discussion about sex/romance at the same time that creates conflict). That is a wonderful moment of silent connection, where you are just receiving her touch. Celebrate that more...that she gave you some relaxation and pleasure. Make that bigger in your mind, than this discussion about sex/romance that creates such conflict within you...and her. The more you focus on the lack of something (sex, money, time, connection)....the more the lack of that remains.

    Thank her for the massage, instead of making her feel that it's not enough. (Perhaps, that is not your intention, but it may come across that way....and so she gets defensive.) Simple gratitude can bring you much. True seduction happens with the way you make someone feel (treasured ~ adored ~ valued). It happens with the simplest of touches....a gentle pat on her back....removing a strand of hair away from her face...even appreciating her from afar. She spent 2 hours talking to that dad going through a divorce because she felt she had something of value to offer him...that she could give him what he needed. You could have made her feel that way with the massage, you see.

    Practice just saying "Thank you," to her when she does something nice for you....instead of saying or thinking it is not enough.

    Remember what it felt like to have sex with your wife…the emotional sense of well-being that you felt from having sex with her….the sense of closeness to her….or whatever other feelings arose. Make that bigger in your mind….so that it infuses you completely. Then, do other things you love, so that the sex issue is not prominent in your mind.

    Problems solve themselves when I am not thinking about them. (It's much easier than you think.)

    Tell yourself today is a new beginning....leave the past behind you. Just because something was difficult in the past does not mean it must be now.





  8. #8
    WellBeing,

    I appreciate the message around my "stubbornness" What have I been up to lately?
    I have shifted my diet and I am focusing on getting shredded with my fitness. Which I am seeing
    huge gains, it seems simple for me to remove stuff from my diet, do 1.5 hours of cardio per day
    run 6-8 miles per day , watch my food.. and get results .

    I also ran a 5k last week and was in the top 20 of finishers. Lately I have been running 6-8 miles per day
    every other day.. Its been exciting for me .

    I get that all the answers are in the books for my challenges. Perhaps the easy thing for me
    around me or things that are just about me do not have anyone else involved but me in them
    for there I can get results and its not hard to lose focus because I am focused on the end result
    "my sexyness" me being fit, me looking good naked, me being the best I can be and being around
    positive people.

    This stuck or stubborness perhaps its around me focusing outside of myself? Perhaps I am looking
    for results in my partner outside of me, or perhaps its because when I look outside of me - I see
    that my wife has seemed to have disappeared from where she was and is in the "exhausted" phase
    or depressed phase all of the time, she wont go to a doctor , she wont go to a counselor, she can
    only focus on herself and work and has no time for me..

    So all of the answers are in the books... what is going on with me, why does everything else seem
    so simple yet I am missing this on sooo many levels.. ? Is it possible I need to do something different ?
    Yes, let me also say that in the last 2-3 days, I have women walking up to me and starting conversations
    with me and trying to get to know me, yet my wife is tired and has no time for me.. I do generate attraction
    based on who I am being and so how do you attract the one your with when they seem unplugged and checked
    out ? I feel so confused still, I though someone as smart as myself would have figured this out ages ago.

    Perhaps you can give me examples around if the one your with seems sick or exhausted or depressed.
    I get that I keep focusing on things outside of me, when I feel tapped in turned on and inspired, sensual
    or sexual .. what do I do with that energy when there is no outlet ? Or how do I direct that ??

    Quote Originally Posted by WellBeing View Post
    Give us more on this, please. Because the story that you've told here is essentially the same story that you've been telling us about this situation, which means that your thoughts haven't shifted all that much. That would be a good place to start.


    Which makes sense, since you're essentially telling the same story.


    I'm sure you could find a better-feeling thought than that to think about this.

  9. #9
    Super Kitty Marc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by freedommind15 View Post
    I appreciate the message around my "stubbornness" What have I been up to lately?
    I have shifted my diet and I am focusing on getting shredded with my fitness. Which I am seeing
    huge gains, it seems simple for me to remove stuff from my diet, do 1.5 hours of cardio per day
    run 6-8 miles per day , watch my food.. and get results .

    I also ran a 5k last week and was in the top 20 of finishers. Lately I have been running 6-8 miles per day
    every other day.. Its been exciting for me .

    I get that all the answers are in the books for my challenges. Perhaps the easy thing for me
    around me or things that are just about me do not have anyone else involved but me in them
    for there I can get results and its not hard to lose focus because I am focused on the end result
    "my sexyness" me being fit, me looking good naked, me being the best I can be and being around
    positive people.
    Notice that this has absolutely nothing to do with the emotional work that WB is talking about.


    Quote Originally Posted by freedommind15 View Post
    This stuck or stubborness perhaps its around me focusing outside of myself?
    Clearly.

    Quote Originally Posted by freedommind15 View Post
    Perhaps I am looking
    for results in my partner outside of me, or perhaps its because when I look outside of me - I see
    that my wife has seemed to have disappeared from where she was and is in the "exhausted" phase
    or depressed phase all of the time, she wont go to a doctor , she wont go to a counselor, she can
    only focus on herself and work and has no time for me..
    Yes, you're still waiting for her to change. You still feel the same way about her, or perhaps you feel even a little worse. In other words, nothing has changed on your end.
    Quote Originally Posted by freedommind15 View Post
    So all of the answers are in the books... what is going on with me, why does everything else seem
    so simple yet I am missing this on sooo many levels.. ?
    Imagine for a minute that you're going to work with an athletic trainer because you're dissatisfied with the development of your chest or any other favorite body part. When the trainer asks what exercises you've been doing on your chest, you tell him that you've hit new highs in the amount of weight you can squat and that you're really thrilled with your progress and you just can't understand why your chest isn't growing when you're working harder than ever on your squats. He/She would give you a puzzled look because he/she is talking about your chest, and so asks again about the work you're doing on your chest. So you repeat, "Every time I'm dissatisfied with my chest, I drop another couple of plates onto the bar over at the squat rack."

    The trainer's answer is blindingly simple: You're not progressing in the area that you want because you're not doing any work on that area. If you're wanting your chest to grow, you actually have to work on your chest.* (*For other Forum Members, let's set aside the whole "Focus on something else" discussion right now, for the sake of simplicity.) That's clear and obvious and logical to you. So where's the disconnect on your end?

    Quote Originally Posted by freedommind15 View Post
    Perhaps you can give me examples around if the one your with seems sick or exhausted or depressed.

    It's really not that hard to figure out. For example, you could feel helpless about the way things are with her, or you could feel angry with her. Those are two different vibrations about what's going on and one would feel better than the other. You could feel blame that she's just not feeling good enough for you, or you could feel worry about her well-being. Again, two different vibrations that feel differently, and yet it doesn't require the conditions to change for your perspective to change. We've been suggesting that you do the emotional work, as well as detailed suggestions of how you can do that, but for some reason you haven't seemed interested in actually doing it.

  10. #10
    So I do not know why, I will start going through the book and perhaps my intent should be to focus on the exercises in ASK and it is given and to take my focus off my wife. For some reason because I am always seeing my wife, hearing her opinions or reminded that I am married my brain shifts over to the why is it that I have to do all of this work, does she even care out investing time in us? My brain goes back and forth. Perhaps I am the one that is the issue, I have lots of noise, I see people on TV romantic, I am not, I sit and watch TV with my wife almost 5-6 days out of the week and yet she never once suggests hey do you want to go in the bedroom and get close, I light a candle and she asks WHY is this candle lit ? So I am giving lots of focus to the sex or lack there of because it 2 years its been 5 times. 1 time a half a year, yet I feel that she expects so much of me yet I can not expect anything from her..

    Perhaps I need to really focus on some fundamental elements for myself :

    4AM : I should go sit at the beach and meditate for some time
    5 Am: Take a 6-8 mile run to focus my energy on something that feels good for me like getting in shape.
    6 Am: Perhaps I should take an hour reading through my book and doing some exercises

    I know when I was meditating I was slowing down momentum, yet I lost focus of WHY am I doing this
    probably because I got angry, I got hurt that I was being ignored . Now I am just staying busy and
    keeping my distance because I have also felt used - the fact that my wife expects me to do so much
    yet we seem to ignore the marriage ..

    So what I should be doing is doing the "ASK and it is given exercises.
    Perhaps I should write how the exercise went for the day for me and how
    I executed that ..

    You right : I do listen to my trainer because I have a specific goal in mind.
    I am seeing RESULTS, feeling results and getting responses ...perhaps the question for myself is

    why are I not doing the "ASK And its Given Exercises "???

    Because I am seeing no responses ?
    Because I am too worried about no sex and that is taking me over
    Because I feel used and perhaps jipped out of my marriage ...

    So I need to do ASK and its given , perhaps I should focus on all of these
    exercises for 30 days, 90 days without looking for a response. Guess it
    could be lack of patience or i want it all to be MY way by tomorrow , or perhaps
    I am looking for more evidence why it is working instead of why its not


    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    Notice that this has absolutely nothing to do with the emotional work that WB is talking about.



    Clearly.


    Yes, you're still waiting for her to change. You still feel the same way about her, or perhaps you feel even a little worse. In other words, nothing has changed on your end.

    Imagine for a minute that you're going to work with an athletic trainer because you're dissatisfied with the development of your chest or any other favorite body part. When the trainer asks what exercises you've been doing on your chest, you tell him that you've hit new highs in the amount of weight you can squat and that you're really thrilled with your progress and you just can't understand why your chest isn't growing when you're working harder than ever on your squats. He/She would give you a puzzled look because he/she is talking about your chest, and so asks again about the work you're doing on your chest. So you repeat, "Every time I'm dissatisfied with my chest, I drop another couple of plates onto the bar over at the squat rack."

    The trainer's answer is blindingly simple: You're not progressing in the area that you want because you're not doing any work on that area. If you're wanting your chest to grow, you actually have to work on your chest.* (*For other Forum Members, let's set aside the whole "Focus on something else" discussion right now, for the sake of simplicity.) That's clear and obvious and logical to you. So where's the disconnect on your end?


    It's really not that hard to figure out. For example, you could feel helpless about the way things are with her, or you could feel angry with her. Those are two different vibrations about what's going on and one would feel better than the other. You could feel blame that she's just not feeling good enough for you, or you could feel worry about her well-being. Again, two different vibrations that feel differently, and yet it doesn't require the conditions to change for your perspective to change. We've been suggesting that you do the emotional work, as well as detailed suggestions of how you can do that, but for some reason you haven't seemed interested in actually doing it.

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