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Thread: Soothing myself, doing the work and little steps

  1. #61
    Wow, you've really got this! Well done. I'm so pleased for you .

  2. #62
    LaughingElf's Avatar
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    Or not...



    I don't want this any more. All this suffering. Senseless hope. I'm thinking about all the people, who croaked already and escaped this hell. How happy, they must be now! I don't want hope any more. I'd rather destroy everything, that keeps my hopes und therefore this suffering up. Destroy my relationship, so I can accept to live alone. Never having to hope again, that I could live with the love of my life together. Never hoping, that there'll be a miracle, that makes him move out of his parents house, living in an apartment with me together, until we find a way to increase our income or win the lottery and buy a house. Never having to fear, that my financial income will come to an end. I could give up on work. Get my early rent, due to psychological problems. And then take the last step and find a way to croak. What a relief that would be!
    If we are the creators of our reality, then who is creating law of attraction? It must be us. Maybe this law works for some people. But for me, it's like a torture device. Oh hey, I my stomach feels slightly better today. But wait for it, if I hope for something better, things get worse! Hurray! I don't know, why I'm getting out of bed. There's this silly thought in my head, that people are expecting me, to behave like a good subject, go to work (that I have for now) and start with the hope again. And the fear lets me do it again and again. And the hope lets me do it again and again. To find myself fleeing from this reality again and again. Trying to tell different stories, distraction, soothing, finin better feeling thoughts, only to wake up to this hell every fricking day. I hate this life! I hate it, I hate it. I hate this world! I'd like to see the aopkalypse, hear the screams of people dying, everything going to hell. Like my personal hell. What a relief! Or waking up, and all people are gone. Earth is uninhabited. No bloody humans any more, means no suffering any more. Peace, quietness.
    But again, I go to work. Brave slave that I am. Brave slave of hope. Brave whining creature of resistance to its own happiness. Despiseful. Not even capable of killing itself. A stab to the heart, spontanious suffocation, dying off diseases, suffocated from the own spit. They all did it! They all croaked! The lucky ones! They killed hope! They did it! Kill hope and everything will be alright.
    I guess it's time to get into slave mode. Can't keep people waiting for me. Can't work against my own shitty beliefs. Behave. Suffer. Hope. Life sucks!

  3. #63
    LaughingElf's Avatar
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    A delayed to you, dear loholt

    The momentum has lessened now.
    In the last few days I worked on a topic and despite the experience of such an extreme mood today, I realized that this topic got better. But a new one popped up and suprised me with its intensity. Maybe that's what's meant with "hell breaking loose". Or that resistant thoughts become more intolerable, when one's starting to do the processes. I hope, that it will get easier to bear this.

    What has changed, is, that I not only help myself with waiting for the momentum to lessen and then doing processes (yay! ), but I get to a point, where I wonder, what I was so upset about. I had to reread my resent post and still can't figure out, what it was all about. But I got clarity about what was at its root. And that's the new topic, that needs some soothing.
    While still in the momentum, I took action, which wasn't the best idea then. Now, it's done and the outcome worries me a bit. On the other side I feel relieved and in a somewhat good temper. This is new. Feeling a bit empty inside, though not in a bad way. As if there's now an empty space, where the feelings where, that indicate a very low vibration. It's a state of being like: Whatever happens, now I know, I can cope with it. Maybe having to go through the lowest vibrations. In the end, I will rise again and walk towards my wishes.

    I wonder, if anyone experienced similar things. However it's my individual journey. It's ok, to be weird.

  4. #64
    LaughingElf's Avatar
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    Had some clarifying days.
    Tried to allow the pain to be there today. I had some good moments inbetween and worked on some topics that occured.

    Doing some soothing now:

    I feel so tired. The pain is so annoying. I just want to crawl back into the virtual reality of my computer games and experience some form of happiness there. But then I don't want to run away all the time.
    Someone I know, who is younger than me, is having success with fullfilling his dreams in a creative way. Comparing myself with him, doesn't feel good. I would like to be much happier and easier about my creativity. If I only play games or sleep, it seems I'll never be able to paint joyfully.
    It is like it is. I can't compare myself to others. They haven't lived my life. They didn't experience the things I did. I'm doing the best, I can to change my ways of thinking. I'm practicing every day. I make progress! And I had some moments, where I had ideas about new paintings. It's only those old beliefs, that hold me back. I can make peace with them.
    I don't need to solve this right now. I can enjoy the computer games. I can relax and be who I am now. I just concentrate on what feels better. Listening to music feels good. Feeling the warmth of the hot-water bag feels good. Having a small design project feels good. Maybe going to bed early for a change - that seems nice.
    And maybe I'll feel better tomorrow. And then it'll be easier to think about painting in general. About having fun. I just choose to feel peaceful.

  5. #65
    LaughingElf's Avatar
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    19. God, I hate this neighbour. I hate him, I just want to kill him!!!!!!
    18. Yes, he should suffer like hell, then he has a reason to make noise like that! A...hole! Damnit!!!
    17. If I go down and ask him angrily, if this annoying noise really has to be, I think he won't stop. Just talk me out of my confidence, like it happened to me with another neighbour.
    16. Why can't I have a home, where I can live in peace and quietness? Why did it come to this??? Why doesn't it get better already? Why am I even practicing every day?
    15. If the people in this country would be mentally evolved, they would garantee someone like me a place, where there are no neighbours! Just peace!
    14. I don't know how much longer I'm willing to endure this.
    13. I'll never get a home, where I will be happy. And if I would look for one, the next annoying people will be waiting there for me. Endless torture!
    12. How can I not fear this noise? And be annoyed by such people? How can I ever feel good here, when I have to flee from those noises? That's not a home!
    11. I already made some progress in feeling better and getting into a higher vibration, even when I was totally annoyed. But this is something, I just don't seem to be able to make peace with.
    10. It's so quiet and peaceful at work now. Why can't it be here, too???
    9. Yes, yes, I don't appreciate the quietness much at work, because my mind is full with other stuff and searching for the next thing to soothe. I just get starrted being in the vacinity to see some things in my life, that I like. So, those unwanted things will still manifest.
    8. I would like to experience something different from that. A major change to something better.
    7. My headphones and my music keep me safe from the noise. Sometimes I can feel alright here. And I have been in a better mood at work for the last days. I wished for quietness once and suddenly the neighbour who caused it, vanished.
    6. I hope, that I can belief again in quietness. I hope, that I can help myself to feel better and better. An that someday I'll be in the vibration that enables me to receive the home I will love to live in.

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