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Thread: My Journey of Life, Love, and Motherhood

  1. #221
    Sweet IB Smiling Joy, I'm so glad you titled your post: Specifically negative. It indicates to me that you have a clear intention to move up the scale and that intention alone draws every help you need for this to be your reality.

    I know you will find yourself downstream again soon. Take me as your example. You were part of the cooperative components that helped me get up and claim my power once again and because I'm feeling so fantastic now, I know for a fact that you will too. You've done it before and you will again.

    Maybe the Universe wants to yield O to you as O, your vortex version or maybe it wants to yield to you the man you have defined from the contrast and want more than you want O. Either way, you're the one on the leading edge and the one the U listens to and will satisfy fully.

    Take all the time you need to get feel your way back. Take all the help along the way that gives you that better feeling you seek. Success is a given for you, Smiling Joy. You will rise again


    Quote Originally Posted by smiling joy View Post
    Specifically negative:

    I have to admit I knew looking at his Facebook account would bring me no good results. My heart is in a lot of pain and I've spent the last 2 hours crying when I should have been sleeping before my shift at the hospital. What happened to all of those feel-good stories that I used to run into where the ex leaves the woman and her child, goes out this king the grass is greener on the other side, and then when he tries to come back, the woman has moved on with her life that she wants nothing left to do with him? I spent so many days flying high, putting my emotions before my circumstances, even sending O pictures of our son because it feel like a good thing to do. Just to find out he's been sexing this new girl while I take care of our son all alone. He's trash. And I pray that our son manifests the step-father into his life that will guide him through manhood.

    I don't understand how someone can just abandon their child afor a woman and only parent THEIR child when it's convenient for them. Parenting is not a job of convenience, this is HARD. But no, he gets to live the free life. I hate him. I hate him I hate him.

  2. #222
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Jul 2010
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    Elfengarten, Germany
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    Awwww, I missed it!
    Belated happy birthday, SJ!
    And as winner said, youŽll rise again. Higher than ever. You are just picking up speed.

    MUCH love to you!

  3. #223
    Thank you both Winner and POE!! I'm so glad that you both can see me at my highest self even when I don't see myself up there. I've brought down the momentum quite a bit since my post this morning. Even when I'm down in despair, there were still se WOW manifestations I had this morning alone.

    Because I never went back to sleep after my initial bout of crying on the phone with my best friend at 4am this morning (God bless her), I ended up going into work probably looking like I had been crying since my eyes were a bit puffy. And yesterday was just my birthday, so I didn't want to the the "sad" girl. I also hadn't finished my assignment completely that I supposed to wake up and finish this morning, but.... Spent my time crying. Not my most vortex moment but I sat with my emotions and journaled and cried my emotions out, released a lot of resistance.

    And I guess my intention to deliberately create a day off was strong enough too. I still went in for my shadowing shift with the pharmacist at the hospital today and I was really tense about an assignment that I didn't get to finish this morning in (because I was crying) and it was due I. A few more hours. I just really wanted to go home and not let everyone see how puffy my eyes were. I was just really ootv. Well within 2 hours of arriving for my shift, the daycare called an said my son had to be picked up ASAP because he was running a fever. I explained the situation to my pharmacist and she was sooo understanding! She was like what are you still doing here?! go pick up your son!

    I text her later on and she was so so understanding with rescheduling my assignment. So I came home and whined a bit more, gave my son some medicine, and journaled and argued with O, and then I had enough. Now that I'm typing this, I remembered where I read that my what-is is just a reflection of past vibrations and momentum and this isn't actual reality. So that gives me relief in knowing this feeling isn't forever

  4. #224
    Im starting at powerlessness today in regards to my vibration. I went to bed "justifying" and replaying the back and forth argument I had with O yesterday and of course, it was the first thing on my mind this morning which initiated another series of back and forth text about his absent father status and how he can spend $500 on his girlfriend but I have to pull teeth to get support for his own son. He likes to call me crazy and selfish and vindictive, but he chooses to only parent when its convenient for him, which obviously parenting doesnt work like that.There is still some jealousy in my vibration that I thought I had eliminated, but thats okay, I wont be hard on myself, Ill just work my way up the scale again. After all, this is a journey and not a destination.


    Specifically negative

    Truly, I really hate my sons father
    Its absolutely nuts how he validates the "correctness" of his behavior. He literally finds no wrong in what he is doing
    I hope my son calls another man daddy, because his original dad is trash
    Trash is a strong word, but he really only shows up when he can squeeze his own son into his schedule after he is done spending his paycheck on his girlfriend and on his friends
    He's absolutely trash to me
    Really what does he do? He doesnt even change a diaper. All he does is send money. And I do the other 500% of the work.
    I hope this child support really hits his pockets hard.
    My son deserves all the money he can get, seeing that he doesnt have a father than cant bother to see him but every 6 months, even though he lives within driving distance
    As a matter of fact, his whole family is disgusting
    I hope the new girlfriend is pregnant so he can leave her high and dry too
    He's a psychopath
    I cant believe I even wasted my time being nice to him
    Who raised that man?? Is it socially acceptable to be a mamma's boy at 33 now?
    Im so glad someone will replace him soon enough.
    He can go take care of the other children he is creatingIm really glad we didnt get married. I would have asked for a divorce the next dayWhat a loser
    His family participates in the his deadbeat dad status too. They will be lucky if they ever see me againI should make him a shirt that says absent dad 2017 I hope he at least chose a decent stepmother for our son. Ive seen all of the women he dated before me, absolutely hideous

    Generally Negative

    I said so much previously, there's not really much more to add
    I will never understand how a man can abandon his child just to be with another woman
    I thought men go crazy for their first son.
    Nope not O, he begged me not to go through with the pregnancy. And when I decided to keep the baby, he wanted the baby to have his last name because he was the "father". Get out of here
    We have become professionals at tearing each other down to the core
    The insults just come naturally at this point


    Generally Positive
    Ive been doing a great job on my own
    Ive been showing myself A LOT of self love lately. Im truly loving to cherish myself again
    Oh yea, I have a big trip planned for me and the baby this weekend. Fun fun fun
    There are some occasions where O has actually been a decent father
    He always sends the money for the baby's doctor's appts
    I want to remember to focus on the positive aspects of my day
    There is A LOT of good going on. Why am I choosing to participate in these texting wars with O where we tear each other down?
    I always remind myself that our son was concieved in love. So at one point in time, we were in love with each other.
    O also sends goodie boxes periodically for baby C. They usually contain brand new clothes, shampoo/bath wash, books for our son, food... so he's not completely absent
    For the last 2 weeks, I set my intention to live in love and I truly was in bliss for 2 weeks straight until I saw on his fb page he spent his holiday with her (leaving me with our son again).
    I deserve so much better.
    Im no longer going to check his facebook. It doesnt ever produce good results and I deserve good in my life. Actually, I deserve great! Hell, I deserve AMAZING!
    I really am love at my source
    Eventually we will be able to co-parent in peace. I know it.
    We both are good people
    Im not proud of the behavior we have been displaying to each other, We used to be in love
    We used to be each others best friend
    We used to sleep on the phone together all night
    Being a mother is the best thing that could have ever ever have happened to me
    Its amazing how the connection of two people can create such a beautiful child
    I know how to "fix" this
    I doubt the process sometimes, but I know my alignment is the answer. Its been my answer in the past, and its still my answer now
    When I first began writing this, I didnt think I would be able to get to the generally positive part
    I had the fan on right in front of me because I was so heated and felt justified in how I felt, but now Im so so much calmer.
    The idea of co-creation works in both good and "bad" situations and interactions

    Specifically Positive
    Wow I really do feel a lot better writing this
    Im going to manifest the perfect man from my vortex. And he will probably be a surgeon haha
    I honestly love surgeons. It makes my heart flutter when I think how intelligent they are. And the art involves in cutting someone open and repairing them back to perfection. I know me and my surgeon husband will have the best conversations when we come home at night together. I want to hear all about his day!
    My son will have the best childhood possible!
    Ive been eating healthier lately, it feels wonderful
    One day, soon enough, me and O will be able to meet on the same plane again. Just as I have negative momentum towards him, he also had negative momentum towards him. So it was co-creation at its best.
    I hope I can raise my son with these teachings and let him know he is a teacher at the core of his being
    I dont know where the dots connect on this journey, but Im excited to see my next stage.
    I have a free consultation with an attorney in about 30 minutes, I have absolutely no resistance towards the outcome of the meeting
    Its nice to know that the child support will finally provide for my son the way he deserves
    One day, I may even get along with O's family again.
    Right now I have them all blocked haha, but its so nice to be able to dictate what type of messages or calls will come into my phone
    O's source doesnt see him as bad
    One of my really good guy friends gave me great advice yesterday. Its wonderful to get to see things from a male perspective.
    I do have a brother hahaha
    I feel really good now. I even turned off the fan because I wasnt so heated anymore.
    Wow this was really nice

  5. #225
    So the meeting with my attorney went really well. Such a wonderfully friendly guy. We actually went to college together which was great, we just never crossed paths lol. And he was only 28 years old so he was young, fresh and ready to work. He had really great reviews on Google so I'm glad I chose him. I told him the situation and he reassured me that our case was good to go! He is actually friends with O's attorney also (it's a small town) and said they normally text each other on a weekly basis.

    Which was great because I didn't want a fight and the whole long drawn out custody process. I just wanted to get it done all at once. So things are good.

    I have a self love weekend planned ahead in a really really nice hotel so I'm really excited for that.

    Soon enough I know I will hit boredom in terms of arguing with O. What are we really fighting over anyways?

    I'm gonna watch a great documenary on Netflix tonight. It's been quite a while since I got to do that. I'm glad I also got to take my son to the doctor today and that they were able to fit Jim in on the schedule today. My son's pediatrician is actually really good friends with the pharmacist that I work under so she just text her and told her I was in the clinic and wouldn't be able to make it in today.

    I love how my son brings me his bottle when it's empty now. Jes really growing really fast and developing like such a smart little boy

  6. #226
    Today I came back from my self-love weekend getaway. I didn't get to do everything I anticipated like going swimming at the hotel, but when I did arrive in the new city where my self love weekend getaway was to occur, it began raining, then flooding sooo soon bad that by time I had to run into the hotel to check in, the water was almost mid-way to my knees! So I will count that as my swimming experience lol.

    But for the better part of the trip, I enjoyed taking my son out and about the city with me. We rented the best hotel room I've ever gotten for myself thus far and I felt like I was living in luxury. I then kept getting his itch to ho to Dillards (clothing store) and just try on some cute clothes just for the heck of it. I love when I try on fancy clothes and play dress up in theorror. Automatic ITV activity. So I finally make it to the Dillards and I find out they are closing the store down and everything and I mean EVERYTHING is on clearance! Literally 85% off of everything, so at that point I had no choice but to begin shopping for some clothes that show off my fabulous shape hahahaha.

    The following night, I have my old classmates graduation party to attend. When I get there. 4 of my other former classmates are also there to toast to the celebrant. I congratulated all of them on their graduation and thwy told me how proud they were of me for still continuing on with school even with my son in tow. (I am set to graduate a year later because I took off a semester due to my pregnancy and not doing to well in my classes at the time). But everything felt so perfect. I was telling my brother later that night that I didn't feel like the elephant in the room because I was the girl who had a baby out of wedlock. As a matter of fact, I don't think anyone cared at all hahahaha. Boy oh boy, the beliefs we tie to our own kind to limit our greatness.

    I'm working my way back up the scale towards bliss again. I (trying) to learn to be less triggered by O and his family whenever they send me a message. I live hours away from them (and my own family) where me and the baby attend school, and to be honest, it's a breather being away from them during this time period. I still have my believes that they have grown to dislike me more and more since I put their "perfect" son on child support, and of course I slowly recovering manifestations to confirm that. So I'm working up the scale on those beliefs. It still "hurts" me that all they want is the baby and not anything to do with me as if we weren't all best friends a few years ago, but luckily for me, I create my reality, so I can change how I feel about this circumstance.

    Oh I forgot to mention I had a date while I was on my self-love weekend. It was great collecting all of his attributes that I love and adding them to my vortex. He's not my "one" but he's definitely a lot of fun to hang around. And having someone remind me of the Queen that I am was also fun.

  7. #227
    Wow its been quite a while since I've posted on my topic. I always told myself my next post would be one where I was in alignment with what I was going to write and only discussed the manifestations that made me feel good and omit any other "realities". Since my last post, Ive been crazy busy with school but Ive had a great time overall in the last 6 weeks working in the pediatrics department at the hospital. It was a great experience being surrounded by so many newborns in the NICU and feeling all of the loving energy that poured in from first-time parents who stayed with their babies for 10-15 hours/ day for weeks at a time. It was also great watching the babies "graduate" from the NICU and the excitement of the parents finally getting to take thier new babies home to the nursery's that they setup months ago and finally get to be in thier own personal environment without all of the nurses and doctors around.

    I also felt so much love from the nurses themselves. They are so passionate and caring with these tiny 3lb and 4lb human beings and making sure they were always fed and wrapped up nicely and warmly.

    As far as my situation with O, he came to visit our son for the first time last weekend since our breakup. There was a moment where I felt all of my feeling rushing back in towards him and I had to take a breath outside and channel my higher self and remember that I was whole and complete. There were some I love you's exchanged but nothing serious. I dont want to dabble more into the unwanted.

    More so, I've been spending A LOT of time in my parallel reality. It actually doesnt even feel like the "concept" of a parallel reality anymore, it feels like Im living my RIGHT NOW and not some "future" lifestyle. Ive been scripting out conversations with my surgeon husband everymorning as I drop off my son for daycare and asking him about the surgeries that he has laid out in the day ahead. It just feels so real and so magical as I talk to him.. I know once we officially meet each other in "reality", we will have a greater connection than I could have ever imagined. Speaking of imagination, Ive been reading other LOA teachers and their understanding of imagination and its such a huge thing!

    I love creating my own reality in my own mind and no one can interject on what I am creating in my own mind. I can imagine myself as an excelling professional student (Which I actually have been since my purposeful imagining ), I can imagine and talk to my husband on his way to work every morning, I can imagine my body and my curves allowing my curves to make my dresses look like they were designed just to custom fit me.

    Sometimes I have to simply remind myself that all I have to do is FOCUS on the end results. Thats it. And it was so easy in the past for me to get caught up in the how's, but Im much more easy about it now.

    Oh one more huge thing! Ive been spending much much much more time with my higher self! And Ive gotten to know myself so well! Its great! My higher self has been there guiding me the entire time, especially when something doesnt feel right and I feel that knot in my stomach, I know that my higher self is telling me that what Im thinking is a false belief or not to act yet. I had an amazing experience a few days ago when I woke up and immediately felt the knot in my stomach from focusing on my what-is from the night before and I knew that I deserved to have a great day and not let this nauseating feeling linger on much longer. I grabbed my journal and walked out to my patio while the baby was still sleeping and as the sun was rising, I wrote my journal entry to my IB and all the things that I DID believe to be absolutely true, including knowing that the Universe was always supporting me even when I couldnt see a way out.

    Writing in my journal has always been a therapeutic experience for me. So I will always use that as my primary way into my vortex.

    As far as the child support case, there hasnt been any progress on that. At all. I was pretty upset that nothing has been done on the case so far because the money was supposed to help with me and my son's rent but I trust that the Universe is unfolding everything perefctly even though I cant see it. Have a great day everyone!


    Oh and one more thing lol... I found my dream apartment, but unfortunately its about $600 over budget. **deep breath** I really really love this apartment. Its one of those warehouse/loft type apartments and they are just so beautiful the way they have brick on the inside and so simplistic in nature. Wouldnt it be nice if I called the aprtment complex on the perfect day and they told me they were having a move in special for the apartment that is perfect for me?! Im just going to bask in that goodness

  8. #228
    Hello IB Smiling Joy Glad to feel how well you're doing

  9. #229
    Quote Originally Posted by Winner View Post
    Hello IB Smiling Joy Glad to feel how well you're doing
    Hi Winner! So great hearing from you again! Im so glad to see you taking these baby steps into something so much greater than you can imagine!

  10. #230
    This morning, I am really really tuned into my higher self and the knot in my stomach that Im feeling. And if there is one thing Ive learned from these teachings and all of the LOA teachers in general is that, if it doesnt feel good then its not true!

    I came in town to visit my parents for a few days and of course, I have my son. And initially I was just going to stay on my own side of town and not tell O's parents I was in town because this would be the first time I have spoken to them since the breakup and putting O on child support. Case and point: I didnt want to have to encounter them and possibly endure some type of uncomfortable conversation of interrogatory session. But my parents were insistent that I let the baby see his other grandparents since his father wont be in town to take him over there himself. Ok I can feel myself sinking back into that bad feeling, Im going to write about what/how I would feel if I were in my parallel reality and this "issue" were to already have happened in the past just the way I wanted.

    New Script:

    This morning, I sent O's mom a text message saying that I was in town and would love to drop my son off for her to spend time with with him. She replied back that she was happy that we made the long drive into town and thought about her so they could spend time together. When I arrived to her house, she gave me a very loving hug and invited me in for small refreshments. I had short conversation with her then headed on about my way as I left my son to enjoy some quality time with her for a few hours. I really do love the way she cares for my son. He looks just like his dad so I sure the experience of being a grandmother is a very comforting feeling to her. And being able to relive those moments of when she raised her own son, but now with a 33 year perspective.

    She really is such a lovely woman. When I was dating her son, she was so wonderful with me and I considered her a second mother to me. Actually both of O's parents were such genuinely wonderful people while I dated their son these last 4 years. I know a lot of people arent so lucky to have such wonderful semi- inlaws. You know now that I think about it, Im made a much bigger issue of this whole thing than was necessary. What was I even fretting about? They are such lovely people and Im so beautiful and caring myself. How and why wouldnt such a great group of people get along and share wonderful laughs and memories.

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