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Thread: My Journey of Life, Love, and Motherhood

  1. #41
    It's currently 3am here and I have to admit I have fallen COMPLETELY out of the airplane in regards to my son's sleeping habits. I was successful only for 1 day in being able to sleep through the night but now I'm so distraught from being so sleep deprived for 16 months straight. I really don't understand why he just won't sleep through the night without crying for milk. I'm more than sure it is out of habit because he eats so much during the day. As a matter of fact, he is in the 99th percentile of his height and weight for a 16 month old, so he is very very well nourished. And I'm a very very light sleeper so I can't even pretend like I don't hear him. I just don't know what to do anymore. I thought we were bonding with him sleeping in my bed this entire time but it's just not fair. His dad is out there living his life, sleeping 8+ hours disturbance free, and I'm here grabbing a bottle from the fridge every 2 hours. I hope I wake up in better spirits, I still have class in the morning.

  2. #42
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    I donīt want to mess up your working-thread
    Just want to remind you to- AFTER you have gathered yourself from having fallen out of the airplane,
    to re-focus on what you DO want.

    I guess, you donīt want his "free life" WITHOUT your baby?
    What do you prefer,
    -having your baby in your arms, or living without him (like he is doing)?
    -choosing if you want to feed him or not 3 times in the night, or not living at all with him?
    -going to school even when you are tired, or not going to school?

    ....Look at what you want, and then donīt mess it up with "but"-
    but become clear and unsplit about the story you tell.
    Appreciate what you do want, and appreciate how nice it will be when you allow it to evolve from what it already is, into even better, -in time!


  3. #43
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smiling joy View Post
    I really don't understand why he just won't sleep through the night without crying for milk.
    *I* donīt believe at all he is crying for milk.
    Thatīs just your translation, so far- and I think, itīs off!

    *I* think he is your indicator that "crys at you", that you are split. That you donīt focus upon what you really want.

    I'm more than sure it is out of habit because he eats so much during the day. As a matter of fact, he is in the 99th percentile of his height and weight for a 16 month old, so he is very very well nourished.
    Shouldnīt this soothe you?
    Really, stop making this about milk aka food. You both crave something so much more nourishing-
    ALIGNMENT: Relaxing into wellbeing, unconditionally.

    And I'm a very very light sleeper so I can't even pretend like I don't hear him. I just don't know what to do anymore.
    Of course you do, you just donīt allow yourself to go with it.
    You want to SLEEP, in alignment peace and joyful trust that everything works out perfectly. Or to RELAX into this wellness, no matter what.

    You want to thank him for his indicating cry, that tells you: "Now is the time to deliberately let go, and just relax into the DONE solution. Thank you, beloved son, for reminding me. Nothing matters more to me than feeling good. NOW.
    Nothing matters more to me than making peace where I am, and soothing myself.
    -I am convinced that you are nourished with enough food.
    -I am convinced that all you really need is your alignment.
    -I am convinced that you will find it, eventually, because you have an IB that will guide you there.

    And I am convinced that you donīt need me, to make you happy!
    I am convinced that NOW is the time for both of us, to sleep.
    *I* need myself to allow my own nourishment and me, making me happy. And so, I will now sleep, even when you cry. All is well, beloved son.
    I let source take over. Good night, beloved!"

    (or something like that ) And then, you will RELAX, and even sleep, even when he still cries.
    But he will NOT cry for long! Been there, done that. IT WORKS.

    And when it doesnīt, it only means 1 thing:
    You are NOT really focused on relaxing, lining up with your (and his!) wellbeing and not trusting the unfolding! It takes a little practice. Feed him at day, and in the night just relax, relax, relax. Show him how this works. Be his example. Unconditionally loving, unconditionally taking the path of least resistance, friendly, peaceful, setting and following your tone that feels BEST here and now. Again and again and again.

  4. #44
    Wow POE, once again, your response strikes a cord in me!! And since I've been able to move up the scale so incrementally these last few weeks, it was A LOT easier to pivot my thoughts and feelings towards my falling out of the airplane moment and not continue to fall into a downward spiral.

    Looking back on my prominent thoughts and vibration toward not just my sons sleep habits but also my current "situation", I realize that my dominant vibration has been one of split energy and I was just so used to thinking and BELIEVING that way. The thing that really sparks my memory the most is that when my mom called last night as she normally does to find out how me and my son's day went, I ended the conversation after a few minutes telling her "I have to go to sleep early to prepare for the baby waking up numerous times during the night". Classic case of LOA lol. I also keep a bottle of milk near my bed in a cooler to "prepare" for his numerous wake ups during the night so I dont have to trip over any of his toys in the dark on the way to the fridge. Ive basically been splitting my energy and my focus this entire time.

    I went back over your questions and it definitely put my focus back in the correct direction. Since I've moved up the scale, it been much easier to not focus on the "hows" of the completion of my desires. Just to focus on the FEELING that I want.

    "I guess, you donīt want his "free life" WITHOUT your baby?
    What do you prefer,
    -having your baby in your arms, or living without him (like he is doing)?
    -choosing if you want to feed him or not 3 times in the night, or not living at all with him?
    -going to school even when you are tired, or not going to school?"


    I LOVEDDDD this part of your response. I could literally feel my mood changing as I mentally answered each of your questions.

    What I Want
    I want to live my life freely with my baby : )
    I want to meditate with him when he is older
    I want to travel with him and have fun at the park with him
    I want to be able to provide for him in terms of love and a bigger family in the future with a loving husband/father and a baby brother or sister
    I want to live with my son. Even when Im exhausted and I feel like I have nothing left to give, picking him up from daycare and watching him run towards me at the door with the biggest smile on his face literally puts me into complete euphoria .
    He looks exactly like his father but he has my smile, even though he only has 8 teeth at the moment lol, and that smile is the brightest smile in the whole state of Texas.
    I love that I can still go to school, even when Im tired. Its so empowering to me when I feel myself learning a new subject and actually understanding it. I love gaining new knowledge

  5. #45
    I just want to congratulate myself on the "small" victories that I have been achieving lately. As I internalized POE's last response to my previous posts, it became easier to accept that my son really was not crying for milk during the night like I believed previously. Every time I would drag myself to the fridge to refill his bottle, I would find myself flowing thoughts of resentment/anger towards his father and even subtly towards the baby himself for constantly waking me up and his dad for being able to be a father in his own way (ex: he only has to come visit every few months, he can send a few gifts here and there, he sends money for daycare but never truly assuming the parent position as I am). But after meditating on POE's last series of questions, I realized I really do enjoy my life, WITH my baby. And although the transition into motherhood was very tough mentally and physically at first, almost 2 years in, I can say that I AM OKAY. I really am.

    Ok so first small victory is that I really focused my energy into what I wanted last night. I want to wake up feeling refreshed, I wanted to sleep through the night without being woken up by crying (and if he did cry, he would soon self-soothe and stop on his own), I wanted to know and believe that every thing was alright, and I wanted to put my energy in one sole direction on what I DO want. From what I can remember, the baby only cried twice (as compared to 3-4x) during the night and the first time he cried, instead of immediately reaching for a bottle of milk, I rubbed his back and told him "its okay, we are doing well, all is well baby C" and literally within minutes, he was back to snoring. I was shocked. Completely shocked. Around 2-3 hours later, he began crying again and after a few minutes of trying to soothe him, my path of least resistance turned to just go get the bottle of milk lol. We both slept peacefully afterwards. When it was time to finally get up and drop him off for daycare and take myself to school, I felt refreshed and ready to take on the day. I didnt feel resentful towards baby C, his dad, or myself for not getting enough sleep.

    Another small victory that I had this morning, was that I was instantly able to recognize that my emotional guidance system was steering me away from a mood-dropping conversation that I was having with O this morning. In my vortex, I would love for him to come live with us or even near us so we can both raise our son together. However, his vortex consist of being very very close to his "immediate" family and friends (mom, dad, sister, niece, nephew, other friends) as opposed to being close to his son so he can experience the joys of raising of child. To be honest, it still makes me upset that he doesnt prioritize raising his son, seeing that Ive been the one raising him these last 16 months, over being close to his family who are all living their own lives. Prior to today, it would have made me feel unwanted, unloved, like I made a mistake, like I was "doomed" to raising my son by myself since his father wants to go live somewhere else where we dont live, and I would have felt a complete sense of powerlessness. But today, when we had the OOTV conversation on his own vortex consisting of living next to his friends and not next to/ with his son, it didnt rattle me. I would normally respond to him via text after the conversation was over with a feeling of being manipulated and taken advantage of the "woe is me" single mother feeling and then source reminded me, I AM OKAY. And Ive been okay without him around. Like I can just feel so so many rockets of desire blasting off into the air in terms of my vortex lifestyle, my vortex family, just everything. As much as I want HIM to be a part of it and raise our son together, I realize that baby C is also a co-creator in all of this, and maybe (maybe) we could both be co-creating a step-father that naturally crosses our path and gives me the companionship of a lover that I would like and give baby C the consistency of a father to be with him everyday that he would love. And maybe, JUST MAYBE, this new man is loving for love to share with a mother and son and build a family from there! Who knows?! The relationship isnt even the name of the game though, its all about how I feel. And I know that if someone told me I would get engaged/married tomorrow, it just wouldnt feel natural or like the next logical step. And I would much much much rather reach that feeling place of UNCONDITIONAL LOVE than to just satisfy a condition that I think needs to be fixed. So case and point, Im no longer mad at O for not choosing us "first". Im still a bit perplexed by why he wouldnt want to raise his own son first-hand but he is allowed to seek his own vortex just as I am allowed to seek my own.

    Oh and I also had a dream that me and O's sister had made up from our huge blowout 3-4 weeks ago. Like it felt so real. Even when I woke up, I felt such relief that we were finally friends again. It wasnt until a few minutes later that "reality" had clicked in and I realized that we hadnt actually made up. I do miss my friend though.

    Im writing a lot lol, but this is really helpful to me. And I know others who are reading my threads, just as I read other's without commenting, are being helped by what is going on in my day to day life. I used to see other people's threads and read their success stories and wonder if they were making up their situation lol or if they were even "regular" people like me who had a hard time working up the scale, at a point where it felt impossible. But I can say, as a regular person lmao, that its possible. I allowed myself to bask in wherever I was on the EGS, whether that was one day or one week. I made sure I FELT my way through those emotions before I moved to the next step and if I felt the slightest wobble, I would just stay where I was at one the EGS and feel it through until the next step felt RIGHT.

  6. #46
    Today the next step felt RIGHT. As a matter of fact, it felt perfect, I was finally achieving the feeling of "the next logical step". As I was driving home with the warmth of the sun on my beautiful face, it hit me, CONTENTMENT. And it feels so right.

    CONTENTMENT

    I feel content in knowing that the Universe is holding me in its arms
    I feel content knowing that my desires are right there in my vortex waiting for me to align with them
    I feel content in knowing that I will graduate in the next 13 months.
    I feel content in knowing that next May, I will be Dr. Smiling Joy
    I feel content in knowing that O does not have to be my one
    I feel content in knowing that O can be a father on his own terms and I dont have to force him to do anything for us because the Universe knows EXACTLY what I want
    I feel content in knowing that I dont have to push against anything, I dont have to fix anyone, I dont have to argue, I dont have to fight
    I feel content on KNOWING that I AM OKAY RIGHT WHERE I AM. Right here, right now

  7. #47
    Appreciation for the Day

    For the last 2 years, Ive been telling myself that once I get to the point of "I appreciate how my life is going right now and the path that I've been on to get me to this "point" and I would do it again", then I would truly be happy. Not necessarily bouncing off the roof joy, but happy and content. Today, TODAY, I have reached that point. I have finally come to understand that where I am at is not wrong, its so so right. Nothing has been a mistake up until this point. Ive been so so waiting to FEEL this moment and it feels even better than I had imagined. I wonder if this is the tipping point that POE was describing??

    I have no idea but I remember, (and maybe Ive written this story on here already, cant remember) but for years, I worked and worked and worked and stuggled to get into pharmacy school. For 2 years straight. After numerous reject letters, I finally decided it was time for me to just enjoy myself. I gave up on forcing my acceptance into any school and just lived. Truly lived my life. Well... after months and years of struggling, followed my more months of doing nothing but just going with flow, I received an acceptance letter to my #1 school ON MY BIRTHDAY! The school that "all odds were against me". Funny how the universe works. Even greater, O received his first pharmacy job in the neighboring city to me so I was able to visit him often. Things weren't perfect but I was soo soo amazed at how the Universe put all these elements together without me performing my own work on the "hows".


    Anyways, back to my feeling good. I really appreciate today and the weather and the beautiful dress that the girl in front of me is wearing. It fits her so well. I want a dress just like that. She is also a super genius, so I really admire her.

  8. #48
    Today I intend for peace
    Today I intend to share my love wherever I can
    Today I intend to release any false beliefs about myself
    Today I intend to release any judgements that I have against anyone else
    Today I intend to be and feel beautiful
    Today I intend to TRUST that Im moving in the right direction

  9. #49
    Whenever I catch myself falling or slipping onto the unwanted end of the stick or looking at "what-is", I remember GRATITUDE GRATITUDE GRATITUDE!!


    Im so grateful that my son's early Easter photoshoot went so perfect yesterday. It was a very spontaneous photoshoot and I'm so so glad I booked it

    Im so grateful that the photographers were not only children friendly but also we booked the last open slot for the day so they gave us 20 additional minutes to get our pictures done which was soooo perfect because it allowed for an outfit change during the photoshoot

    Im so grateful that I was in the receptive mood to receive a free large pizza from Dominos because the manager really liked me

    I'm so thankful my son is so so so handsome. I mean seriously he is a beautiful child. There isn't a single place that I go that someone does not suggest I start his modeling career. I would love to start it after I graduate when I have more room to travel

    I love how writing out all of the things that I love makes my endorphins start running crazy all over my body

    Im thankful that O gave us free cable so I can finally catch up on the whole season 14 of greys anatomy that I've been missing. I appreciate the things that he does to make sure we are comfortable

    I love the feeling that I get if I start to tense up and then source reminds me to enjoy the journey. It's like a breath of fresh air

    oh and most importantly, I'm so grateful grateful for only having one class on Wednesday's because it gives me time to come back home and take a nap before I have to pick up baby C from daycare

  10. #50
    Just hit some pretty, actually very hard contrast. O, my son's dad, the same guy that's been telling me that "we are working on things" for over a year now, has just played me. My best friend called me and told me she saw him in Austin (mind you he doesn't live anywhere NEAR Austin) with a girl. The girl who is suppose, which he is not denying, is his new girlfriend. I'm hurt, I'm enraged, I screamed, there's so many emotions.

    How could I have believed that he wanted to make things work this whole time and then fly all the way to Austin, even though I ask him repeatedly to come visit our son that I've been raising by myself for almost 2 years now. But he has money to fly to visit a girl. I'm angry to say the elast

    With the silver lining in all of this, I know that tomorrow is a better day. Tomorrow is better. Tomorrow is better.

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