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Thread: Releasing my shame about my baby

  1. #61
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smiling joy View Post
    ... that I have become jealous of his new relationship and now I am bitter and coming after him for money
    "If I would stand in your physical shoes", I would say a BIG FAT YES to all of this.

    "Yes, I AM jealous of your easy life. I AM jealous that you are free to fool around and have a partner, and I donīt.

    -Yes, I AM bitter that I have so much work, so less money and seemingly less freedom than you. I AM bitter that you were not the guy who treated me as I and my son deserve.
    I AM bitter that I have not yet found the perfect awesome guy who treats me as the adorable Queen that I really am.

    -YES, I GO FOR YOUR MONEY!!! Because itīs just fair, in my opinion. Your money will give your son more joy, a more relaxed and due to that more easily happy mother, and he deserves all of this. I have the work with our mutual child, itīs just fair that you participate with giving me money.

    YES, I stop feeling guilty about any of this!
    This is where I am, and itīs RIGHT.
    Making full sweet peace with where I am brings me back into my power, and so I will no longer put a bushel over my light. I will not try to be sanctimonious. I AM WHERE I AM, and itīs RIGHT not wrong!
    And now, from here- I go into even more light, and more joy, and more sweetness. Step by relief-giving, better feeling step."


  2. #62
    POE!! Please DO NOT hold back on any commenting! I literally refresh the page every 10 minutes or so just to see if it is YOU that has commented. Hahahaha I was actually kind of sad when your first reply was so short, the one about you saying that we are friends in real life.. Hahahaha I was like awww man, I don't get to sit down and absorb her long beautifully written paragraphs of Abe-solutions. And then I went off to meditate and I knew you were in a good place, probably with your family and that brought me peace, then I came back just short of an hour later and you wrote 2 long wonderful responses!!! Yay me!! Yay us!!

    I drank a bit of coffee before I was supposed to go to sleep but now I am up at 3 am, just basking in my wellness. Truly truly knowing all is well. During my last post, I could feel the frustration coming in as I typed up all of that old momentum but as I lie here in bed next to my son who was delivered from heaven himself (via c-section lmao), all I can say is finally, I blessing the contrast. I really and honestly bless the contrast.

    Im so glad I took these months to incrementally work up the scale because any wobbles that I experience "up here" in content/near hopefulness, only rock me for a little bit, then I'm back to knowing that all is so so well.

    You're right POE, I am bitter. So bitter about him choosing her, about the fact that he can just up and leave without calling a baby sitter, that fact that he can still have all these women running around him and he doesn't even mention he has a child... but I wouldn't trade his lifestyle for mine. Nope no way! Like who else is as lucky as me to raise this beautiful child! Seriously, who lol. I mean I thought it was just cliche when they said the love a mother has for her child is unconditional blah blah blah, but he's my best friend! I just shed a tear just wondering how the universe chose me, ME, to be his mother. It seriously feels like I'm living a dream somedays. His beautiful brown/green/hazel eyes, his fair skinned complexion, his beautiful smile with only 8 teeth! I could seriously rampage on and on.

    And even with that rampage of appreciation, I have to thank O for producing this child with me. He doesn't get the joys of raising him like I do, but I still do try to be a nice person and parent and send him pictures frequently so that he can see our son flourish. To whom he shares with his whole family and friends (which used to annoy me because he would pretend like he was the ones taking the pictures to show he was "involved", but I'm over it now)

  3. #63
    I had to start a new post since the previous one was getting too long. I know when I see extremely long post, I usually just skip to the bottom and end up missing all the goodies in the middle lol. So for reading purposes, I started a new post.

    Im still working on believing that O is doing the "best" he can do. I do appreciate him for giving me 5 years of adding more variety and clarifying my vortex relationship. You're right the "truth or reality" is not the basis of the solution here, it's simply lining up with the solution that brings warmth to my heart. I want the money and I deserve the money. Most importantly, I want peace. I even wish him and his new girlfriend peace (maybe lol). And his family, I wish them peace too. His parents are very genuinely loving grandparents, and when I met O's mom the first time while we were dating, I knew I wanted this woman in my life. And she's always been there for me whenever I needed her. So many important events of my life, she has been there. But I understand her loyalty to her family and her son, so in the midst of me taking his money, she hasn't spoken to me lmao. But seriously, I send them love and peace.

    And even O's sister who told me it was my choice to follow through with my pregnancy knowing her brother didn't want to be a dad, I send her love also as she continue to grieve the loss of her infant daughter 2 months ago. Even their family dog, i send her love. I honestly have no angst against anyone, but the more im learning to stand up for myself (powerless ->> powerful) and the more I'm recognizing when others try to manipulate me, I am finding a strength and joy that I knew was "hidden" deep inside.

    ive been at CONTENTMENT on the scale for a while, and I'm feeling soooo much closer to HOPEFULNESS. But I know that I know that I KNOW when that final shift kicks in, then I'll be basking in HOPEFULNESS

  4. #64
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smiling joy View Post
    POE!! Please DO NOT hold back on any commenting!
    Iīm GLAD it serves you!!
    As you felt, I had an awesome weekend with my beloved family! DH and me are helping our last kid, a 19 year old son- still living with us, building up his mobile home in which he will live as soon he moves out in fall. My daughter, her husband and my grandson (-just living 20 minutes apart) go through contrast, they lost their beloved flat. But, what joy to uplifte them, and them coming for upliftment and then us all celebrating the renewed joy and trust in the Universes Goodness!

    -As you say, I wouldnīt trade my 4 kids for ANYTHING!!! We have such an awesome, lovebased, close fantastic relationships. When I look at my or DHīs parents, who didnīt build good relationships with their kids or were absent completely (as my own father, who was cutting contact in the last 30 years) -I have to hold myself back to not pity them. What have they missed. I -literally, not meant cynically, canīt understand why they chose, what they chose.

    But, as I said- we all must go our OWN unique path of least resistance, we can not know for others- EVER. And itīs really not our job!
    But I do KNOW that the often harsh contrast that me and DH lived due to our upbringing, is such a big part of the sheer bliss we now live, as parents. And this deep, undescribable bliss is there for YOU, as well!

    I literally refresh the page every 10 minutes or so just to see if it is YOU that has commented. Hahahaha I was actually kind of sad when your first reply was so short, the one about you saying that we are friends in real life.. Hahahaha I was like awww man, I don't get to sit down and absorb her long beautifully written paragraphs of Abe-solutions. And then I went off to meditate and I knew you were in a good place, probably with your family and that brought me peace, then I came back just short of an hour later and you wrote 2 long wonderful responses!!! Yay me!! Yay us!!
    It was the first thing I did when I came to Forum after the weekend!

    I drank a bit of coffee before I was supposed to go to sleep but now I am up at 3 am, just basking in my wellness. Truly truly knowing all is well. During my last post, I could feel the frustration coming in as I typed up all of that old momentum but as I lie here in bed next to my son who was delivered from heaven himself (via c-section lmao), all I can say is finally, I blessing the contrast. I really and honestly bless the contrast.
    *goosebumps*...


    Im so glad I took these months to incrementally work up the scale because any wobbles that I experience "up here" in content/near hopefulness, only rock me for a little bit, then I'm back to knowing that all is so so well.

    You're right POE, I am bitter. So bitter about him choosing her, about the fact that he can just up and leave without calling a baby sitter, that fact that he can still have all these women running around him and he doesn't even mention he has a child...
    Itīs relief to admit it, yes?
    ...and thatīs all thatīs needed... making peace where you are, and then, your cork bobs back all on itīs own!

    but I wouldn't trade his lifestyle for mine. Nope no way! Like who else is as lucky as me to raise this beautiful child! Seriously, who lol.
    ...exactly!
    But you canīt get to really allowing THIS to be your stance, as long you supress the bitterness... you must let go of it. Admit it, embrace it, own it, and then it will go. Easy.


    I mean I thought it was just cliche when they said the love a mother has for her child is unconditional blah blah blah,
    Exactly. Mothers have to TRAIN unconditional love just as every body else, and itīs not that easy, especially in the beginning...

    but he's my best friend! I just shed a tear just wondering how the universe chose me, ME, to be his mother. It seriously feels like I'm living a dream somedays. His beautiful brown/green/hazel eyes, his fair skinned complexion, his beautiful smile with only 8 teeth! I could seriously rampage on and on.
    I have the BIG inspiration to insert this specific quote, here:


    HS asks Abe to channel a bit from her unborn baby?

    Abe:
    (We get something like this) "How well I have chosen! How well
    I have chosen! How well I have chosen! How well I have chosen.
    How well I have chosen! How well I have chosen.
    How well I have chosen."

    ...And that: "THIS mother was worth waiting for."
    (Roaring applause)



    2016 10-15 & 16 - Asheville


    from
    Abe-quotes about family


    And even with that rampage of appreciation, I have to thank O for producing this child with me.
    I have managed to make deep peace with my father, who never raised me, never payed money, and as I said, went out of the way completely even he knew he had grandchildren.

    From nonphysical, he explained me that he COULD NOT give in to a relationship with me. He was OOTV about that all his life until he died- that just was the way it was. It made life hard and lonely in many ways for him. But, that was what he "could do" given the way he was focusing and choosing, and itīs ok. From all contrast comes so much good- even some have to croak, to line up with it. Donīt make his choices and problems your pie! Maybe he will catch up, maybe he wonīt. Just love him unconditionally, -and when you canīt, then just let him be! (Thatīs enough!) Appreciate the good he brought, and let him live as he can- and teach the same to your son, unconditional, loving freedom and looking for love and resources in all the RIGHT places!
    (not trying to preach here, I know you KNOW all of this!)

    He doesn't get the joys of raising him like I do, but I still do try to be a nice person and parent and send him pictures frequently so that he can see our son flourish. To whom he shares with his whole family and friends (which used to annoy me because he would pretend like he was the ones taking the pictures to show he was "involved", but I'm over it now)
    ...his flaws are not your pie. Just LOVE and wish him the best, and give your son this loving open path to his father as well. When he has the advantage of you, not blaming his father (while you donīt have to lie about what you would have prefered!) he can make his own conclusions some day. He will FEEL the alignment, and the disalignment. He will be glad that you make it easy for him to see, learn to know and honor his father unconditionally. But he also will find out what he prefers, in this unconditional environment where he is free to choose, AND to love.

    Have so much fun with all of this! I know you will, at least more often than not!

  5. #65
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smiling joy View Post
    I had to start a new post since the previous one was getting too long. I know when I see extremely long post, I usually just skip to the bottom and end up missing all the goodies in the middle lol. So for reading purposes, I started a new post.

    Im still working on believing that O is doing the "best" he can do. I do appreciate him for giving me 5 years of adding more variety and clarifying my vortex relationship. You're right the "truth or reality" is not the basis of the solution here, it's simply lining up with the solution that brings warmth to my heart. I want the money and I deserve the money. Most importantly, I want peace. I even wish him and his new girlfriend peace (maybe lol). And his family, I wish them peace too. His parents are very genuinely loving grandparents, and when I met O's mom the first time while we were dating, I knew I wanted this woman in my life. And she's always been there for me whenever I needed her. So many important events of my life, she has been there. But I understand her loyalty to her family and her son, so in the midst of me taking his money, she hasn't spoken to me lmao. But seriously, I send them love and peace.

    And even O's sister who told me it was my choice to follow through with my pregnancy knowing her brother didn't want to be a dad, I send her love also as she continue to grieve the loss of her infant daughter 2 months ago. Even their family dog, i send her love. I honestly have no angst against anyone, but the more im learning to stand up for myself (powerless ->> powerful) and the more I'm recognizing when others try to manipulate me, I am finding a strength and joy that I knew was "hidden" deep inside.

    ive been at CONTENTMENT on the scale for a while, and I'm feeling soooo much closer to HOPEFULNESS. But I know that I know that I KNOW when that final shift kicks in, then I'll be basking in HOPEFULNESS

    All of this is such a precious sifting- and finding-out-what YOU prefer, now, now, now, now!


    You are a wise woman, getting wiser, powerful, CLEARER and in this even more powerful, more free, more blessed and easy and AUTHENTICALLY more loving- all the time.


    Famous "Bowl of Worms"-quote:
    Donīt try to make what you donīt like comfortable!


    "(on the path of least resistance...)
    ...because you care for how you feel,
    you start reaching for those thoughts that feel good,
    AND, you stay off of the thoughts that donīt feel good.

    So, if there is some subject thatīs really uncomfortable,
    DONīT TRY TO MAKE IT COMFORTABLE!

    We said to Esther the other day:
    We really donīt want you to sit and write a focus-wheel
    until you like to eat raw fish!
    You donīt have to like to eat raw fish!
    You donīt have to like to eat gras-hoppers, either!
    You donīt have to eat worms, either!

    "But, Abraham. What if somebody gives me a bowl of worms?
    Shouldnīt I be able to eat a bowl of worms, and LIKE it?
    Shouldnīt I be able to do enough focus-wheels, that I am
    in complete alignment about eating a bowl of worms?"

    And we said: Really, Esther.
    Do you really want to eat a bowl of worms?
    "No! But I donīt want to be resistant to anything!"

    And we said:
    You where born to SELECT!
    You where born to choose!
    Donīt write a focus-wheel to get yourself to like things,
    that you donīt like!

    Thatīs NOT THE POINT of this!
    This is NOT what the art of allowing is.
    The art of allowing is not making yourself like,
    what everybody else wants you to like.

    The art of allowing is you, getting in sync with
    what YOU have put in your Vortex!
    Can you hear the difference in that ?


    Abe

  6. #66
    Even though I went to sleep in bliss and even had some youtube Abraham videos playing while I slept (as I normally do), I woke up kinda, well very wobbly. Ive been able to identify that "pit" feeling in my stomach more often that not lately, which is 99% of the time indicative of guidance telling me Im not in alignment and focused on the unwanted.

    I pondered on your statement a few posts ago about make sure Im not doing this out of revenge and not to actually act on the revenge, which I most certainly wont. But I do have some revengeful feelings towards him. This is the 3rd or 4th girl he has been with since the baby has been born and he my son is not even 2 years old yet. I know that is his own pie, but it makes me feel like..... "stupid". And I HATE using that word, but that is the best I can go with right now. Stupid as in, I cant believe he cheated for so long and so many times and there I stood thinking we were "working it out". Maybe Im not as high up on the scale as I thought I was, OR maybe I need to redirect my attention to what is working (yes). I can feel those icky feelings of jealousy for my friends who have found a faithful man that loves them and cherish their relationships. I can feel those icky feelings of "making him pay" for how he treated me. I can feel those icky feelings of revenge and the feeling of Im going to SHINE so so so bright you will come begging for me and come back to me saying all the things you were sorry for. I can feel those icky feelings of wanting to tell his sister OFF when she told me that I trapped her brother into this baby, which I did but the following thing I was going to tell her were not going to be nice, AT ALL.

    So I embrace these Icky feelings for what they are. Im thankful that they are able to guide me from where I once was vibrationally. I understand that I am on a journey and not just any regular ol journey, but the journey to a joyful Dr. Smiling Joy.
    This is about so much more than child support, this is a monumental shift in recognizing that I AM IMPORTANT. Im WORTHY. I AM COMPLETE. I AM WHOLE

    Ok I can feel my stream flowing downwards again as I type which means Im moving in the right direction. Im so grateful that I have the wonderful moderators like POE who come here to read everything I wrote and give me her source perspective on the solution and not the . And the best part of the practicing the teaching forum, is that you dont have to make sense! LOL! Sense as in, this is your own personal journal. If others comment on it, great. If not, KEEP WRITING (or typing in this case) and eventually you will make a shift.

  7. #67
    Ok I was getting off topic lol, but I think my biggest "issue" that I need to relax into is accepting my son's dad for who he is. Why cant he do more? Why am I feeling like his method of fatherhood is my pie? I think (well I know), I am still accepting and grieving the idea of "what could have been". But I cant say that Im sad about it, more so perplexed, but because I KNOW that something big is on its way to me as I continue to align with better feelings, I know that the "wait" to my dream life is not very far from becoming my now life.

    How did you come to forgiving your father POE? At first I thought it would be easier to forgive him since he transitioned.. but then again, did you want to seek closure or at least answers as to why he wasnt around for so long while he was still here in the physical?

    I always know that what I want is coming. period. Its coming one way or another, some desires just have much more resistance around them than others. Sometimes I tell myself, "If you were to have your dream life exactly 2 years from now, I promise you wouldnt spend another day crying, you would dance all the way to the finish line!" and then the "real life" voice in me butts its head in and I start seeing my what-is which is of course not my dream life... at the moment... and then the doubt sets in... then I remember Im a deliberate creator! Hahaha its like the olympics in my mind.

  8. #68
    There's a form that I am supposed to turn into the court house this week. I wanted to do it today and felt very good about it when I woke up and was vibrating around revenge. But Im going to hold off on turning it in until maybe later this afternoon or even tomorrow when Im more aligned with turning it in to the court clerk. I really want to go through this whole child support process as aligned as possible.

    Hey POE, one more question. I know Abe says they would never fight another person in court but if this feels like my path of least resistance, it will still have a positive outcome right? If I dont take the court route, my son's father will definitely not give me the money that I am owned, it will have to come from a court order.

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