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Thread: My Journey of Life, Love, and Motherhood

  1. #1

    My Journey of Life, Love, and Motherhood

    I wasn't sure whether to post this in this sub-forum or the practicing the teachings sub-forums but I trust that moderators will feel my energy towards the "correct" placement.

    From my past posts, I wrote about how I delivered a beautiful baby last year with an on/off again Fred. It is now approaching the baby's 1 year birthday and I took some time to reflect on how things have changed since last year around this same time. Although things have gotten a lot better between me and Fred and he has stepped up 200x more as the father I knew he could be, I'm realizing I still feel the guilt/shame/stigma of being another black single mother who had a baby out of wedlock. And I just can't (well I can) stop fighting for my own limitations.

    My son is such pure source energy and I can literally feel his radiance every time I look into his hazel eyes. It almost paralyzes me how I can just feel so much of him just staring into his eyes. But I am in between blame and anger. I blame his father for not creating a family with us, lying to me, and still choosing to run around with other women while I watch our son 24/7, while still finishing up my doctorate degree. However, I blame myself for my choice of men and attracting him into my life. Definitely a feeling of unworthiness here.

    I really do love my son, I do. And I'm so thankful that he is healthy and smart and surpassed ALL of his milestones for his age, but I am finding it so so hard to find my peace or happiness in this situation. I visualize building a family with my (future) husband in our own house and playing by our own rules, and the what-is is so opposite from that right now.

    Time to get back to Abe 101 and work my way up the scale.

  2. #2
    In addition, I know this feeling of shame is all about me and has nothing to do with Fred. I've taken him off the hook incrementally and my feelings towards him are no longer anger based. But I asked myself, even if I were to get married today, would I then feel "right". And my answer was no. Which is how I knew this shameful/unworthy feeling was not about the conditions, but all about my vibration that I am projecting outwards. It was also how I knew I didn't need Fred to change because it wasn't about him or his behavior, but my knee-jerk reactions to it

  3. #3
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Itīs tangible that you know how this stuff works,
    but you have so much momentum that itīs hard to "just jump over the house" and be suddenly in pure sunshine, lollipops and roses.
    BE GENTLE with yourself.

    You have an incredibly powerful, purely loving teacher on your side- your son- who knew exactly in what he was coming into, and he did it in pure love and full of eagerness. You both planned for that! Itīs no accident. Relax into it.

    And then, go general, about each of this miserable indicators that source thinks different than you do.
    Soothe yourself.
    Stop blaming yourself (and others).
    Instead, try to look at the wanted sides of all those sticks, more and more and more.
    Celebrate, when you managed to to that.
    Be easy, when you slipped.

    This is not about being "perfect to a society" (that train has left, long ago. You canīt get back from what is, and what BECAME, due to you "becoming a mother out of wedlock").
    Itīs about you, learning to come into your OWN.
    Itīs about you, learning to really (!!) LOVE (yourself and your mate)- and this kind of love is always unconditionally.
    Itīs about you, training yourself to -step by step- look through the eyes of source, and see the fantastic achievements, and the beauty,
    instead of the crap and the unwanted.

    Hey, you are a single Mom AND accomplishing your doctorate-degree, AND being open to unconditional love hat you often find, despite of some quite rascally behavior from people around?? BIG KUDOS to you, *from me*.
    To me, you are a rolemodel already. I see your power and balance, and your loving intention and your huge capability!
    But now what really counts is, that youīll give that to yourself, as well. And -as you said- OF COURSE, you can.
    In small, sweet, slow babysteps. One at a time.

  4. #4
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smiling joy View Post
    And I just can't (well I can) stop fighting for my own limitations.


    Here it is.
    Here is the message of this day:
    You might not -in fact, you donīt, for sure-
    have access to the words that will take you up here.
    But you DARN WELL donīt have to practice this (low-flying disc).

    from the clip
    Abraham Hicks -Stop the game and regain your footing



    If you can let anger subside,
    and let fear be replaced with more hopefulness,
    you will easily tap into a momentum of Well-being.

    It will seem so easy,
    you will wonder why you don’t do that more often.

    ---Abraham
    Excerpted from: Orlando, FL on January 11, 2014



    "If you can practice the art of vagueness
    on subjects that make you feel negative emotion,
    and the
    art of specifics on subjects
    that DO make you feel good,

    -you will have figured Deliberate Creation out precisely
    because that really is
    all there is to it."

    Atlanta, GA, 10/27/10



    "Until you really, really, really mean it,
    that you want to feel good,
    until you really, really, really mean it,
    that you care about how you feel,
    until you really, really, really mean it,
    that you know you're a vibrational being,
    and that Law of Attraction is responding to your vibration,

    until you really, really, really mean it,
    that you are broadcasting,
    until you catch yourself in the middle of a broadcast
    and continue it on purpose
    because it feels good,
    but slow it down on purpose because it doesn't feel good,
    once you do that,

    you're a deliberate creator,
    and unless you do that,
    you are a creator by default."


    Abe

  5. #5
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Also I am highly inspired to link you this work-thread
    Itīs RIGHT, not wrong! Finding the stance of how my IB sees things.


    and to invite you for playing on it (or on your own off Forum, of course). It trained *me* intensely to drop regret and shame!



    It is so easy to say:
    No, wait! I donīt wanna be here, or: I didnīt want to be here-
    or: This went wrong.
    But if you could just say, and MEAN:

    Where I am is just right, given ALL that I want.

    I might not understand it.
    I might not be sensitive enough, to the
    vibrational path to UNDERSTAND the benefit, of all of that...
    You can even say: I wanted an easier route.
    Or, I wanted a route that felt more this way, than that way.

    But if you can just accept, that where you are
    is RIGHT, not WRONG.
    That is the thing we wanna say to you!!

    Where you are, no matter where it is, in relationship to
    where you want to be, is RIGHT! Not wrong!

    Itīs RIGHT. Not wrong.

    Because, you are starting where you are!
    And when you are accepting that it is right, than
    immediately, you turn in the direction of what you want!


    from the clip Abraham Explains Benefits Of Old Resistance...

  6. #6
    Wow POE! You're responses are always perfect (and right on time at that!)
    This last quote in yellow/gold really resonated with me. I screeenshotted it so I could make it my wallpaper. Where I am right now, in this moment, on this day, at this time, is JUST RIGHT. And that feels very soothing to know and believe!

    Youre right, I have nothing to prove to a "perfect" society. I know this time period will serve me. I wanted to say this contrast will serve me but it doesn't so much feel like contrast as much as it feels like a "lesson" in self worth.

    Quote Originally Posted by paradise-on-earth View Post
    Also I am highly inspired to link you this work-thread
    Itīs RIGHT, not wrong! Finding the stance of how my IB sees things.


    and to invite you for playing on it (or on your own off Forum, of course). It trained *me* intensely to drop regret and shame!



    It is so easy to say:
    No, wait! I donīt wanna be here, or: I didnīt want to be here-
    or: This went wrong.
    But if you could just say, and MEAN:

    Where I am is just right, given ALL that I want.

    I might not understand it.
    I might not be sensitive enough, to the
    vibrational path to UNDERSTAND the benefit, of all of that...
    You can even say: I wanted an easier route.
    Or, I wanted a route that felt more this way, than that way.

    But if you can just accept, that where you are
    is RIGHT, not WRONG.
    That is the thing we wanna say to you!!

    Where you are, no matter where it is, in relationship to
    where you want to be, is RIGHT! Not wrong!

    Itīs RIGHT. Not wrong.

    Because, you are starting where you are!
    And when you are accepting that it is right, than
    immediately, you turn in the direction of what you want!


    from the clip Abraham Explains Benefits Of Old Resistance...

  7. #7
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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  8. #8
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smiling joy View Post
    I wanted to say this contrast will serve me but it doesn't so much feel like contrast as much as it feels like a "lesson" in self worth.
    If telling your story about this being a “lesson” feels better to you, then continue to tell that. If not, then find a new, better-feeling story.

    Since you wisely understand that you have “work" to do on this topic, I'm going to move your thread over to the Practicing the Teachings sub-forum so that you can do your “work.”

    ETA: I've also tweaked your thread title to focus on the "work" that you'll be wanting to do.

    Feel better!

  9. #9
    I like coming back to update my threads because I know there are others who may just be lurkers like I initially was, and would like a follow up on the OP's original topic.

    Its been quite a while and a lot of action oriented living that has gone on since this thread was initially started. When I wrote this post 4 or 5 months ago, I was hanging (more like living) in depression/powerlessness on the EGS. It took a while, a few weeks to began to really appreciate WHO and WHERE I was and POEs quotes helped alot! I even made one of them the wallpaper on my phone so I had no choice but to look at it.

    As of today, I am no longer ashamed of my baby. Actually he makes me feel like the luckiest mom in the world and I LOVE showing him off and chasing him around our apartment. I really cant imagine my life without him. Unfortunately, I still haven't moved up the scale with how I feel about myself. My relationship with Fred/ son's father has also gone down the drain (old story). We literally argue every week and although I admit, I start 90% of the arguments, it just blows my mind that someone can become a father and not be 100% committed to their child. He still lives a bachelor lifestyle, we still and probably arent going to get married at this point, and his sister (who is his best friend) is my current enemy. Im not really sure where everything went south so fast, actually I do, but just 4 years ago we were all the 3 amigos and now I feel like they are both ganging up on me. Its hard for me to accept this as my own co-creation.. I really dont like this place where Im at right now. But I am where I am. I am where I am. I am where I am and that is ALL RIGHT.

    Back to deliberately creating my new story and my new life. No ulterior motives, no trying to get Fred to marry me, I just want to FEEL BETTER.


    Depression/Powerlessness/ Victimhood

    I have so so so much going for me but it doesnt feel like its worth much
    Fred told me I was the one who made him become a father when he didnt want to
    Fred's Sister also thinks I "trapped" him into a baby which makes me hate her even more
    I was able to manifest getting really skinny eating whatever I want , and without going to the gym ^_^, but now my breast and butt have also gotten very small to where I no longer find it attractive
    Fred's sister used to be my best friend. best best friend. But now she treats me like her inferior because she got married before her baby was born and I didnt. She also makes more money than me and I feel like she also rubs that in my face. I really hate her for making me feel that way.
    Fred has never been a faithful partner but I was so in love with him I thought there was no way out. Of course, I dont feel that way anymore, I know I dont HAVE to be with him, but now we have a baby together and he feels the need to call every single day to check on us, which I dont like.
    It was his decision to take a job in another city knowing that he wouldnt be around often to help me raise our son and I hate him for that.
    Ive blocked his number and facebook, but he always finds a way to contact me. (email, letter in the mail, etc)

    ok enough old story and negative momentum. also, Im going to stop calling him Fred. I dont think that is helping.
    [MOVING TOWARDS INSECURITY/GUILT/UNWORTHINESS]

    - Do I still feel unworthy as a single mother? Yes
    - Do I still love O? I do the love the times that we spend together as a family. I dont love when we argue
    - O's sister just had to bury her 4 month old daughter the week before Christmas, and I feel like the source of our last argument was due to some emotions she just had to get out. I still empathize with her, it was a very sad event, but I dont empathize with the way she confronted me and broke our friendship up again.
    - I miss my friendship with O's sister..
    - I miss my relationship with O.
    - I feel unworthy because I feel like my hips arent wide enough, my butt isnt big enough, my breast arent big enough. On the other end of the stick, I always wanted to be a US size 2/4, and I did that effortlessly. I havent been to a gym in almost 3 years and I eat cookies and pizza and whatever I want daily without gaining an ounce
    - Come to think of it, I always wanted to be one of those girls in grade school who could eat what they wanted and not gain an ounce, and now I am .
    - I also have a lot of insecurity towards my grades in graduate school. I know this is a belief that I have been carrying aroun dsince elementary school about always being a "just average" student, even though both of my siblings are honor students.
    -Basically, my grades and my academic mindset of being a slow learner and just average student have followed me into adulthood.
    - I would love to be an A student. I would love for learning to just come to me in one pass without hours of studying and staying up all night to finish an assignment.
    -Deep down inside, I know that all of the arguments between me and Fred are all about me. Ive been blaming him for my insecurities.
    - I dont need him to marry me to feel adequate. As a matter of fact, I felt the most joyful in my life at the times when I was single lol.
    - I also experience insecurity (and probably jealousy) about O's sister's life. She has a great and loving husband, he supports her and post pictures of them together on Facebook, and they still have one child to raise. I also just found out that she was pregnant again. Im sure the experience may be a bitter sweet pregnancy for them under the conditions that their last daughter died.
    - I always felt unworthy that me and Fred's relationship wasnt "valid" because he never posted pictures of us on Facebook. I dont know, I just feel like its a great expression of love. The relationship in my vortex includes a man who post pictures of us on Facebook.
    - I also feel guilt that the U delivered Fred to me (and he was perfect when I found him) and he literally had every single feature that was in my relationship vortex at the time but now we cant even stand each other. I hate it


    Ok I do feel a slight shift which is enough for me right now. Im going to go take a nap now that the baby is taking a nap, and come back to finish writing about this part of the EGS.

  10. #10
    It feels so good and freeing and good and freeing to have this forum to not only express my mind but to receive input from like- minded individuals judgement free.

    My nap earlier was really nice and gave me the slight shift that I needed to move up the EGS just a tad bit more. Which is all I need for now. In the past, I would have been more focused on quantum leaps or meeting "deadlines" for XXX to happen and right now, all I want to do is take my time. If I spend 3 days on one emotion, that's perfectly fine with me. If im able to move up from one emotion to the next in an hour, that's also great. As of right now, I just want to climb one rung up the ladder towards insecurity/guilt/unworthiness

    [MOVING TOWARDS INSECURITY/GUILT/UNWORTHINESS]

    - Looking back on all the events of my life that I felt so much stress and unnecessary pressure from, I realize they all always worked out. Always
    - Especially a few years ago when during my first "real" or what I thought was real, relationship with M. I remember when he broke up with me, I thought there would be no tomorrow. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA. Its extremely funny now how I view that relationship. He just wanted to be free and I wanted my way or the highway. Obviously he took the high way lmao.
    - Interestingly enough, that relationship breakdown 6 years ago was EXACTLY what lead me to Abraham. Which was an amazing experience in itself.
    - After pouting for a few months and indulging in my pity-party, I decided enough was enough and I wanted to feel worthy of being HAPPY, boyfriend or no boyfriend.
    - Great things began to manifest after that, including manifesting O into my life.
    - Now 4 years later, a baby, and multiple breakups, Ive lost my worthiness and self-esteem.
    - Im still beautiful, my body is still great, but why am I hung up on a ring/marriage certificate to become "complete"
    - I am complete as I am. And I understand that intellectually and emotionally, but I dont KNOW it. Like the KNOWING that gives you no doubts or second chances.
    - I love you smiling joy
    - Smiling joy is definitely worthy of her vortex desires
    - My vortex is not dependent upon O or his behavior or his attitude or his sister's attitude.
    - I know my alignment is all that I need to align with. Im not there yet and thats okay.

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