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Thread: My Journey of Life, Love, and Motherhood

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  1. #1

    My Journey of Life, Love, and Motherhood

    I wasn't sure whether to post this in this sub-forum or the practicing the teachings sub-forums but I trust that moderators will feel my energy towards the "correct" placement.

    From my past posts, I wrote about how I delivered a beautiful baby last year with an on/off again Fred. It is now approaching the baby's 1 year birthday and I took some time to reflect on how things have changed since last year around this same time. Although things have gotten a lot better between me and Fred and he has stepped up 200x more as the father I knew he could be, I'm realizing I still feel the guilt/shame/stigma of being another black single mother who had a baby out of wedlock. And I just can't (well I can) stop fighting for my own limitations.

    My son is such pure source energy and I can literally feel his radiance every time I look into his hazel eyes. It almost paralyzes me how I can just feel so much of him just staring into his eyes. But I am in between blame and anger. I blame his father for not creating a family with us, lying to me, and still choosing to run around with other women while I watch our son 24/7, while still finishing up my doctorate degree. However, I blame myself for my choice of men and attracting him into my life. Definitely a feeling of unworthiness here.

    I really do love my son, I do. And I'm so thankful that he is healthy and smart and surpassed ALL of his milestones for his age, but I am finding it so so hard to find my peace or happiness in this situation. I visualize building a family with my (future) husband in our own house and playing by our own rules, and the what-is is so opposite from that right now.

    Time to get back to Abe 101 and work my way up the scale.

  2. #2
    In addition, I know this feeling of shame is all about me and has nothing to do with Fred. I've taken him off the hook incrementally and my feelings towards him are no longer anger based. But I asked myself, even if I were to get married today, would I then feel "right". And my answer was no. Which is how I knew this shameful/unworthy feeling was not about the conditions, but all about my vibration that I am projecting outwards. It was also how I knew I didn't need Fred to change because it wasn't about him or his behavior, but my knee-jerk reactions to it

  3. #3
    Ok so I woke up still feeling very worthy today which was a great step for me and for mankind

    I remember when I first learned about LOA maybe 7-8 years ago, pre-abe, and I thought I was seriously the ugliest girl in the world lmao. Seriously. And thinking back on it, other people reflected that to me. And I had sooooo much appreciation. And administration for 2 girls in my high school who literally just woke up beautiful. And I spent years envying them because they had "the perfect parents who gave gen the perfect genetics" lmaooo... it's so funny now that I think about it. Case and point, when I was 21, and got to my second year in college, I decided enough was enough, I'm putting my ugly days behind me. So I started living my life in affirmations affirmations affirmations. I'm beautiful, my skin is clear, the boys are chasing me, people love the way I do my makeup, I'm beautiful without makeup....etc. After roughly 2-3 months I think, I remember waking up feeling naturally beautiful. Like naturally. Like the way I admired those girls in high school.

    Fast forward to age 27 now, when I tell people that story, they are like huh?!? How could you have ever EVER been ugly. And not to toot my own horn, I am really really beautiful. I feel so lucky to have this face and I'm so grateful I had the perfect set of parents to create this perfect,defined, beautiful face for me. And every other week/day the boys come chasing. I already expect it, so literally every week someone is asking for my number to take me out.

    The purpose of this story was to remind myself that I've made significant shifts in my emotions before. Even though I still feel worthy this morning, I have have the cycling thought of O did this to me, O is an absent father, O's sister is trying to break me down to protect her brother... I'm just not sure how to soothe these thoughts right now cuz it's right in my face.

    Well im going to take it day by day. I'll come back in a few hours to move or write more on the EGS. Still feeling jealousy right now.

  4. #4
    Sooooooo I took my 2nd oncology exam last week and although I passed it, I had just barely passed it, which meant that I would have to perform extremely well on the following 3rd exam in order to get off the cliff of "barely passing" and be able to pass the class without holding my breath.

    Well when I checked my grade for the 2nd exam last week, it was a 72 . I also received a 72 on the 1st exam, which meant that I would have to receive an 80+ on my 3rd exam to be sure that I was in the clear. I stressed/worried/ talked to the peanut gallery about my worries for a day or 2, and then I remembered I HAVE CONTROL OVER ALL OF THIS. I'll be okay whatever the result is. SO fast forward to today, when I was determined that something good would happen to me today, I rechecked my grade this morning and the professor changed my exam 2 grade from a 72 to an 85!! Yay!! There must have been some questions on the exam that were graded wrong, I dont know and I dont care, I FELT better and a beautiful unexpected manifestation flowed right my way! Who knows when the grade was actually changed but today I was open to receiving it.

  5. #5
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    So glad with you, for ALL this beautiful successes!


    Desire in the absence of resistance
    accomplishes what humans wanna call miracles.
    We wanna call it desire,
    in the absence of resistance!

    Phoenix, Dec. 2013



  6. #6
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Itīs tangible that you know how this stuff works,
    but you have so much momentum that itīs hard to "just jump over the house" and be suddenly in pure sunshine, lollipops and roses.
    BE GENTLE with yourself.

    You have an incredibly powerful, purely loving teacher on your side- your son- who knew exactly in what he was coming into, and he did it in pure love and full of eagerness. You both planned for that! Itīs no accident. Relax into it.

    And then, go general, about each of this miserable indicators that source thinks different than you do.
    Soothe yourself.
    Stop blaming yourself (and others).
    Instead, try to look at the wanted sides of all those sticks, more and more and more.
    Celebrate, when you managed to to that.
    Be easy, when you slipped.

    This is not about being "perfect to a society" (that train has left, long ago. You canīt get back from what is, and what BECAME, due to you "becoming a mother out of wedlock").
    Itīs about you, learning to come into your OWN.
    Itīs about you, learning to really (!!) LOVE (yourself and your mate)- and this kind of love is always unconditionally.
    Itīs about you, training yourself to -step by step- look through the eyes of source, and see the fantastic achievements, and the beauty,
    instead of the crap and the unwanted.

    Hey, you are a single Mom AND accomplishing your doctorate-degree, AND being open to unconditional love hat you often find, despite of some quite rascally behavior from people around?? BIG KUDOS to you, *from me*.
    To me, you are a rolemodel already. I see your power and balance, and your loving intention and your huge capability!
    But now what really counts is, that youīll give that to yourself, as well. And -as you said- OF COURSE, you can.
    In small, sweet, slow babysteps. One at a time.

  7. #7
    Just had a complete blowout with O. Via text. Complete blowout. I'm left in tears and definitely knocked me back down the scale. I feel like I've wasted WASTED 4 years of my life with him and now I can't rid of him because we have a baby together. I've blocked his contact on numerous sites. He was supposed to come visit (more like come take care of his son) in 2 weeks but I told him to cancel his trip cuz I'm tried of his lies and his blaming me for everything.

    If it's true that we come into this world choosing our parents, why in the heck would my beautiful beautiful son so full of source, come into this world to choose a father like him. Why? It just doesn't make any sense. The hatred I have for O is so unreal.

    I find it hard to believe that I co created this but I had to remind him how useless of a father he is. This is the not life I pictured for myself. I'm going to try to go for a run again. I tried to run earlier as I was falling out of the airplane but then this "random" dog that I've never seen in my life began chasing me. I do take responsibility for that co creation.

    Ugh im going to go read a book or something until my class at 3:30. I don't have the energy to work up the EGS right now.

  8. #8
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smiling joy View Post
    And I just can't (well I can) stop fighting for my own limitations.


    Here it is.
    Here is the message of this day:
    You might not -in fact, you donīt, for sure-
    have access to the words that will take you up here.
    But you DARN WELL donīt have to practice this (low-flying disc).

    from the clip
    Abraham Hicks -Stop the game and regain your footing



    If you can let anger subside,
    and let fear be replaced with more hopefulness,
    you will easily tap into a momentum of Well-being.

    It will seem so easy,
    you will wonder why you don’t do that more often.

    ---Abraham
    Excerpted from: Orlando, FL on January 11, 2014



    "If you can practice the art of vagueness
    on subjects that make you feel negative emotion,
    and the
    art of specifics on subjects
    that DO make you feel good,

    -you will have figured Deliberate Creation out precisely
    because that really is
    all there is to it."

    Atlanta, GA, 10/27/10



    "Until you really, really, really mean it,
    that you want to feel good,
    until you really, really, really mean it,
    that you care about how you feel,
    until you really, really, really mean it,
    that you know you're a vibrational being,
    and that Law of Attraction is responding to your vibration,

    until you really, really, really mean it,
    that you are broadcasting,
    until you catch yourself in the middle of a broadcast
    and continue it on purpose
    because it feels good,
    but slow it down on purpose because it doesn't feel good,
    once you do that,

    you're a deliberate creator,
    and unless you do that,
    you are a creator by default."


    Abe

  9. #9
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Also I am highly inspired to link you this work-thread
    Itīs RIGHT, not wrong! Finding the stance of how my IB sees things.


    and to invite you for playing on it (or on your own off Forum, of course). It trained *me* intensely to drop regret and shame!



    It is so easy to say:
    No, wait! I donīt wanna be here, or: I didnīt want to be here-
    or: This went wrong.
    But if you could just say, and MEAN:

    Where I am is just right, given ALL that I want.

    I might not understand it.
    I might not be sensitive enough, to the
    vibrational path to UNDERSTAND the benefit, of all of that...
    You can even say: I wanted an easier route.
    Or, I wanted a route that felt more this way, than that way.

    But if you can just accept, that where you are
    is RIGHT, not WRONG.
    That is the thing we wanna say to you!!

    Where you are, no matter where it is, in relationship to
    where you want to be, is RIGHT! Not wrong!

    Itīs RIGHT. Not wrong.

    Because, you are starting where you are!
    And when you are accepting that it is right, than
    immediately, you turn in the direction of what you want!


    from the clip Abraham Explains Benefits Of Old Resistance...

  10. #10
    Wow POE! You're responses are always perfect (and right on time at that!)
    This last quote in yellow/gold really resonated with me. I screeenshotted it so I could make it my wallpaper. Where I am right now, in this moment, on this day, at this time, is JUST RIGHT. And that feels very soothing to know and believe!

    Youre right, I have nothing to prove to a "perfect" society. I know this time period will serve me. I wanted to say this contrast will serve me but it doesn't so much feel like contrast as much as it feels like a "lesson" in self worth.

    Quote Originally Posted by paradise-on-earth View Post
    Also I am highly inspired to link you this work-thread
    Itīs RIGHT, not wrong! Finding the stance of how my IB sees things.


    and to invite you for playing on it (or on your own off Forum, of course). It trained *me* intensely to drop regret and shame!



    It is so easy to say:
    No, wait! I donīt wanna be here, or: I didnīt want to be here-
    or: This went wrong.
    But if you could just say, and MEAN:

    Where I am is just right, given ALL that I want.

    I might not understand it.
    I might not be sensitive enough, to the
    vibrational path to UNDERSTAND the benefit, of all of that...
    You can even say: I wanted an easier route.
    Or, I wanted a route that felt more this way, than that way.

    But if you can just accept, that where you are
    is RIGHT, not WRONG.
    That is the thing we wanna say to you!!

    Where you are, no matter where it is, in relationship to
    where you want to be, is RIGHT! Not wrong!

    Itīs RIGHT. Not wrong.

    Because, you are starting where you are!
    And when you are accepting that it is right, than
    immediately, you turn in the direction of what you want!


    from the clip Abraham Explains Benefits Of Old Resistance...

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