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Thread: Releasing my shame about my baby

  1. #11
    I didnt know that I would feel ready to move up to Jealousy today, but it feels right, so it must be right : ) This is where I will leave off on the EGS until tomorrow

    [MOVING TOWARDS JEALOUSY]

    - I have to admit I am jealous of O's sister, N, and how she aligned with her dream life, dream children (except the one that transitioned way to early), dream husband, dream career, so quickly. She doesnt even know about Abe. Or then again, maybe she does.
    - Im jealous of my classmates that make class look so so easy and the "fact" that I have to struggle
    - Im jealous of all the girls who have boyfriends/husbands who stuck around while they were pregnant
    - Im jealous of all the girls who's boyfriends proposed after only a short amount of time and 4-5 years later O has no intention of proposing or getting married for that matter
    - I'm trying not to be a player hater lmao
    -I'm jealous of all of the babies who have 2 loving supportive parents to raise them that want to be involved. O says that fatherhood is an inconvience for him right now. But he's a great and supportive uncle to his nieces and nephews but his own son gets the shorter end of the stick. I hate him for that.
    - Who says that being a parent/father is an inconvience for them?? Im not ready to move up to anger/ rage yet, but I would like to work more on seeing him through the eyes of source
    - Realistically, I always knew he wouldnt stick around to help with the baby. All he does is send money for daycare and the water bill. He only comes to visit me and our son like once every 4 months. But he visits his niece and nephew at least 2x a month.
    - Thats the end of my judgement on him, I can feel the negative emotion building back up
    - One thing Im not jealous of is that my son is wayyyyyyy cuter than most babies out there. Seriously, every time we go out, I get asked at least once why he isnt modeling for Baby Gap/ Gap Kids or Gerber. He seriously is a beautiful beautiful child.
    - Oh and he has the most beautiful green eyes and fair skin that he inherited from O. Literally the most perfect set of genetics.
    - Crazy thing is, he looks EXACTLY how I thought he was going to look when I envisioned his face when I was pregnant. Its quite strange.
    - When I look back on POE's statement that my son came into this situation knowing/choosing his parents, it kind of makes me feel weird. I know its the truth, but why would my son choose to be born to a me and to O, who barely makes the time to get to know him unless it fits his schedule.
    - Maybe my son thinks Im really special. Well I am really special. I am
    - And Im worthy. Im so so worthy. omg just typing that reinforces it even more. IM SO WORTHY YOU GUYS. I AM SO SO WORTHY.
    - Wow, its been a while since I felt the truth like that. Why was I thinking before that I wasnt worthy?? Ive always been worthy. The universe LOVES me.
    - Whoooo talk about a significant shift in emotion!!

    And on that note, goodnight folks!!

    **Remember, you are WORTHY!

  2. #12
    Ok so I woke up still feeling very worthy today which was a great step for me and for mankind

    I remember when I first learned about LOA maybe 7-8 years ago, pre-abe, and I thought I was seriously the ugliest girl in the world lmao. Seriously. And thinking back on it, other people reflected that to me. And I had sooooo much appreciation. And administration for 2 girls in my high school who literally just woke up beautiful. And I spent years envying them because they had "the perfect parents who gave gen the perfect genetics" lmaooo... it's so funny now that I think about it. Case and point, when I was 21, and got to my second year in college, I decided enough was enough, I'm putting my ugly days behind me. So I started living my life in affirmations affirmations affirmations. I'm beautiful, my skin is clear, the boys are chasing me, people love the way I do my makeup, I'm beautiful without makeup....etc. After roughly 2-3 months I think, I remember waking up feeling naturally beautiful. Like naturally. Like the way I admired those girls in high school.

    Fast forward to age 27 now, when I tell people that story, they are like huh?!? How could you have ever EVER been ugly. And not to toot my own horn, I am really really beautiful. I feel so lucky to have this face and I'm so grateful I had the perfect set of parents to create this perfect,defined, beautiful face for me. And every other week/day the boys come chasing. I already expect it, so literally every week someone is asking for my number to take me out.

    The purpose of this story was to remind myself that I've made significant shifts in my emotions before. Even though I still feel worthy this morning, I have have the cycling thought of O did this to me, O is an absent father, O's sister is trying to break me down to protect her brother... I'm just not sure how to soothe these thoughts right now cuz it's right in my face.

    Well im going to take it day by day. I'll come back in a few hours to move or write more on the EGS. Still feeling jealousy right now.

  3. #13
    Just had a complete blowout with O. Via text. Complete blowout. I'm left in tears and definitely knocked me back down the scale. I feel like I've wasted WASTED 4 years of my life with him and now I can't rid of him because we have a baby together. I've blocked his contact on numerous sites. He was supposed to come visit (more like come take care of his son) in 2 weeks but I told him to cancel his trip cuz I'm tried of his lies and his blaming me for everything.

    If it's true that we come into this world choosing our parents, why in the heck would my beautiful beautiful son so full of source, come into this world to choose a father like him. Why? It just doesn't make any sense. The hatred I have for O is so unreal.

    I find it hard to believe that I co created this but I had to remind him how useless of a father he is. This is the not life I pictured for myself. I'm going to try to go for a run again. I tried to run earlier as I was falling out of the airplane but then this "random" dog that I've never seen in my life began chasing me. I do take responsibility for that co creation.

    Ugh im going to go read a book or something until my class at 3:30. I don't have the energy to work up the EGS right now.

  4. #14
    So its been a few days, still softening/soothing my thoughts around some of my hardcore "beliefs", including the ones surrounding school, relationships, friends who I've lost connection with.

    Yesterday, my son and I paid a surprise trip to my parents after a 7 hour drive from school and they were soooo sooo surprised!! Literally made my entire day . My son's grandparents (O's parents) live about 4 minutes from my parents house and they dont know we are here. I know it would light up their whole year if I dropped by to surprise them but I have not aligned with visiting them yet. Vibrationally, I still do not get along with O's sister and she visits her parents very frequently with her son, so I dont want to show up there while she is there. (OLD STORY OLD STORY OLD STORY)

    Not sure where I am on the scale right now, just enjoying a really hot cup of coffee right now. Its beautiful

  5. #15
    As promised (to myself lol), Im returning to write about where I currently stand on the EGS.

    Today I am in between discouragement and blame. And since I am not in a rush and I dont want to make any quantum leaps before I am ready, I will write from discouragement and feel my way towards blame

    - I feel discouraged that I still dont live my "perfect" life
    - I feel discouraged that I dont know if I believe in love anymore just from being disappointed so much
    - I feel discouraged that things are so backwards between me and O and me and O's sister, N
    - I feel discouraged that I dont find that excitement in each day like I used to
    - I want to be able to wake up and be soooo excited for the day ahead
    - I want to be able to be so eager for the next day that Im too excited to sleep
    - I want to know that I can love again without putting my life on hold on "conditions" to perfect themselves
    - I really do blame O for my unhappiness
    - I blame O's sister for causing this rift in between us.
    - I hate how I feel tag-teamed by them. Definitely not by vortex relationship or vortex in-laws
    - I laugh as a I type these things because as I become more and more in touch with the teachings, I understand that these people and these conditions are only reflecting how I feel about myself
    - There are some moments when I can truly truly focus and KNOW how much of a deliberate creator that I am. and then I look back at my what-is and that kind of wobbles me a bit
    - The idea of segment intending my day tomorrow sounds like a lot of fun
    - As much as I really love to spend time with my son everyday, he will be spending half of the day with his other grandparents and I will miss him.
    - But he will be surrounded by people who love and cherish him so much, so that definitely warms my heart
    - Grandparents are such loving people. Even O loves him a lot even though I think he could do better lmao.
    - I dont feel so out of place anymore not having a husband. I dont think anyone ever actually cared lol, but in my mind, I created a reality that I didnt like

  6. #16
    [BLAME]

    Today I am at blame because all of my negative momentum that I have been stewing towards O's sister finally "got bigger". And I say finally because I've literally been contemplating my "revenge" text to her since the last time she disrespected me, roughly a month ago. Wow, I mean this was Abraham in full effect. "Don't worry it will get bigger" and it definitely did.

    Im pretty sure our relationship is severed for good. However, I did feel a huge burst of relied after finally telling her off. Like it felt so good! It felt like standing up to that bully who kept trying to take advantage of you. Any other time I would have held a blow out with O's sister, I would have left the text conversation in tears and steaming with anger feeling disempowered, hopeless, depressed and defeated, but Im so so proud of myself for standing up to her. We used to be the best of friends, but as of today, it is what it is and I blocked her number.

  7. #17
    -I blame N for ruining our friendship due to always protecting her brother even when he is wrong
    - I blame O for just being lousy point blank period
    - I blame myself for letting the negative momentum buildup to this point (but it felt so so good to tell her off)
    - I blame N for enabling O and his lousy ways
    - I blame O's parents for raising him into the person he is now
    - I blame O for not caring enough to be a decent father
    - I blame O and his sister for always trying to tag-team on me and then denying it
    - I blame myself for giving my son O's last name
    - Ugh I blame myself for even involving myself in this situation to begin with

    Im going to take a nap and come back and re- write this. Its not feeling very good right now. Actually Im feeling more frustrated, so I guess thats a step in the right direction.

  8. #18
    Everytime I come back to this thread, I realize that I'm in a COMPLETLEY different place than I was when I started the thread and the title is soooo... resistantant and off-putting lol. Either way, I no longer feel that way. AT ALL. I love my baby and I really couldn't imagine life without him. Source is truly so perfect.

    A couple of weeks ago ago I wrote about how I had a huge blow up with O and his sister (who always has her nose in our business). Obviously I still have some resistance towards her. But on a higher note, I wanted to bask in this past weekend that O came to visit me and our son. After our initial huge blowup argument, we agreed he would cancel his flight and visit at another time, especially not at my apartment. When he tried to cancel his flight, the airline wanted to charge him $400 to cancel which was twice the amount he even paid for the ticket. So we agreed that if he still did ultimately end up coming to visit, one of us would get a hotel just so we wouldn't have to deal with each other.

    i took those 2 weeks between him trying to cancel his flight and the actual day of the trip to work on my vibration and segment intend how I would have liked the trip to go (if he ultimately came to visit) and after fighting some BFTs, my final intention was just for PEACE and no arguments. And I woke up and went to sleep with peace on my mind when thinking of him. Well the entire weekend went by and we had SOOO much peace. No one got a hotel, we actually slept in the bed with the baby and we both agreed we enjoyed our weekend together. This was the first time in a longggg time we had a weekend together and didn't argue. And if I felt the need to have the urge to talk about our "relationship" or "where we stand" or the incident I had with his sister, I just soothed myself and told myself to enjoy the journey. No good will come from me prodding for answers (especially if what I want is already in my vortex, then why am I looking for answers from him??) . That was a huge AHA for me.

    I didnt need O to validate our future for me like I used to. What if he's not even my "one" and I waste all of this time and energy trying to hammer him into place?

    all is well my friends

  9. #19
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by smiling joy View Post
    Everytime I come back to this thread, I realize that I'm in a COMPLETLEY different place than I was when I started the thread and the title is soooo... resistantant and off-putting lol.
    We can change that, you know? Send a PM to any moderator with your new, wanted title.

  10. #20
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by smiling joy

    Everytime I come back to this thread, I realize that I'm in a COMPLETLEY different place than I was when I started the thread
    Itīs so feelable! Step by step!

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