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Thread: Not sure how to feel

  1. #1

    Not sure how to feel

    I had posted this on my other thread, and was asked to make its own post, so I'm just going to jump straight into it, and hope no one else goes through this situation, but hopefully others and I can all take away some helpful information from my experience.

    I dated my ex for 5-6 years and we broke up a year ago or so like last april, today I just found out that my brother is now dating her. I am disgusted by this, this has been going on since January. He didn't even tell me, I overheard my mom telling my dad, apparently he was going to tell me this "weekend". Really who knows about that, its be 4 months since its been going on and what makes this weekend any different. I have no idea how to feel about all this. I feel furious, he is dead to me, I never want to speak to them, my girlfriend is now worried things will be awkward at family events so I don't even want to go to those either. Am I in the wrong? I feel he is the one in the wrong, its disgusting that he even considered dating her when we dated for over 5 years. It really is so disgusting to me. I am so confused on how to feel, and I have been feeling this was going to happen for a long time, so no wonder it did. I felt it, so the universe made it happen, so I get it its my fault, I brought it upon myself. Now that it is here, I don't know how to even feel. There is so much more to the story, but it really hurts me to talk about so I am just going to stop now and maybe later I will be able to explain more. For now though that explains the jist of it, and I'm sure everyone will have their opinions on it and how I should feel and what steps I should be taking now, because me feeling lost already this just adds to it, it all makes sense.
    P.S. She was the one who left me, and I was heart broken and he knew it.

  2. #2
    Super Kitty Marc's Avatar
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    You've explained very clearly how you DO feel -- you're bouncing between grief/"hurt" and revenge/anger. Understandable. What do you mean when you say, "I'm confused on how to feel" and "I have no idea how to feel about all this"? You've identified how you feel very clearly, so what's the confusion about? It's really very simple, you could describe your reaction as, "I really, really don't like this." What's confusing about that?

  3. #3
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    If you step back for a second, away from this topic, so that you are able to observe your experience from a broader experience, you might notice that nothing in your conditions has actually changed. IOW, you are the same person who woke this morning. The sun also rises this morning. Your money in the bank is the same. You're still living where you've been living. The Earth is still spinning.

    Now, of course, you feel very different than perhaps you did yesterday. That would be common. But my point is that your very different feeling today is because of the different thoughts that you're thinking today in response to what you've just heard. Let that sink in for a moment.

    So, it's a good thing that you know about these teachings, because you've heard Abraham (and us) talk to you about how your thoughts create the emotions that you're​ feeling. So, you have an advantage that most non-Abers don't have. Most non-Abers would think that they would have to fix the condition of them dating or of them communicating so that the non-Aber could feel better. That leaves the non-Aber in a jam (a position of potential Powerlessness) because the non-Aber doesn't have a time machine so non-Aber can't make your brother undate your ex and the non-Aber can't make make them to have made other choices in the past.

    But you're an Aber, so you understand that your current crappy feeling, whilst understandable, is a product of the thoughts that you're thinking bout them, what they've done and how they've conducted themselves. As an Aber, you know that you have the ability (and some techniques, to boot!) to find thoughts which still seem true to you yet which feel better than the thoughts your presently thinking about all of this.

    Do you want to give it a shot here?

  4. #4
    I guess what I mean by I dont know how to feel is like you said, I really really don't like this. Its just that that feels so simple
    like it cant be a good answer cause of it. When I say i really don't like this I have no idea what I am on the scale though,
    which relates to my other post how this is where I struggling figuring out exactly where I am. I probably make way to big of a deal
    on finding an exact spot rather than just saying how I feel and soothing myself.
    So sure, I can try and soothe myself here. Here goes:
    I really really do not like this feeling.
    I have no idea how i feel.
    Am I angry, sad, mad, powerless?
    I am all of those things
    I still question if im even over my ex in the first place, I have thoughts of getting back with her
    Thats now out the window, I can't imagine doing that anymore.
    Why do I still have the feeling that I still want her?
    Who am I more hurt by her or him?
    Hes my own brother, I would never do this to him, why would he ever do something like this to me.
    I told him when we broke up how heart broken I was and that Id never want him to get with her, and he promised he never would, and
    my own brother did it anyway. It hurts.
    It hurts to know I never will be with her again, I cant let myself do that. I need to stop wanting her now.
    Its becoming really hard to even soothe myself.
    I always mess up with this, but I need to keep trying.
    Shit happens right?
    Deal with it and move on
    I feel like an asshole for being with my girlfriend when i still question about my ex, but now whats to feel bad for?
    I know I love my girlfriend and want to be with her, I just run to comfort, she should be my comfort now.
    Time to really try to soothe my feelings now.
    I should just convience my brother to let me get back with her and than break both of their hearts.
    Let them see how I feel, even though thatll be nothing close to my feelings right now.
    That didn't feel better.
    I feel so mad that hed do this to me, if I was to see him I would beat him till I couldnt anymore
    Now i feel mad might feel better? lets roll with it?
    How could he do something like this to his own brother?! I dont get it! I would never do anything like this to him ever!
    He must be a terrible brother he says hes hurting so much to about all this, well i call bs or you wouldnt of done it
    BS you cant control your feelings and who you fall for. You know i believe you control your feelings.
    Theres 3billon girls in this world and you chose the 1! that crushed me and broke my heart into more pieces than i ever thought possible.
    I guess theres nothing really i can do about it though so why should i let myself get all worked up about it?
    why should i give my energy into something i dont care to think about?
    why should i even think about them anymore?
    Is this all my fault?(def didnt feel better)
    what if it works between them and they get married?(makes me feel even worse?!?) isnt this worry? higher up?
    Im going to stop for now and get some advice, because this is a good example of where im struggling and how i try to deal with things.

    Sorry if it is a bit sloppy, I typed it in notepad and just copy and pasted it into here since the site was down for a bit.
    Last edited by greenergrass; 04-27-2017 at 04:34 PM.

  5. #5
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    I'm not sure if you're replying to Marc or to me here, so I'll just chime in.

    Quote Originally Posted by greenergrass View Post
    I guess what I mean by I dont know how to feel is like you said, I really really don't like this.
    That's a very different thing from “I don't know how…,” isn't it? Your “I don't know how…” thought is disempowering. It leaves you sort of lost with nowhere to go (because you “don't know how…”) whereas your “I don't like this” thought gives you information. If you don't “like this” (and it's all right that you don't “like this”) you know to focus in a different direction, a direction towards what you DO like. That's helpful.

    Quote Originally Posted by greenergrass View Post
    Its just that that feels so simple like it cant be a good answer cause of it.
    Isnt it nice that these teachings really are so simple? More simple than you had imagined​?

    Quote Originally Posted by greenergrass View Post
    When I say i really don't like this I have no idea what I am on the scale though,...
    Then, it's a good thing that, in applying this material, you don't “need” to have the precise label of where you are on the Scale. This was the point that Marc made in your other thread. In any moment, there are only 2 emotions of any importance: one that feels “worse” and one that feels BETTER. The label that we apply to these 2 emotions doesn't matter for this “work.” It really doesn't matter if you want to label your “BETTER” as “Fear”, “Worry”, “Doubt”, “Tomato”, “RubberBabyBuggyBumper” etc. All that matters is that you have found a thought which feels BETTER to you.

    Quote Originally Posted by greenergrass View Post
    ...which relates to my other post how this is where I struggling figuring out exactly where I am. I probably make way to big of a deal on finding an exact spot rather than just saying how I feel and soothing myself.
    If that's what you're doing (and you can tell by paying more attention to what you are doing) then,yes, you have your priorities reversed, because all we've ever recommended to you to do is to feel better, which is another way of saying “soothe yourself.” so, now you know what you'd rather be doing. And the good news is that you've just told us that you're doing this sometimes. So, it's just a matter of doing more of it. You can do that.

    Quote Originally Posted by greenergrass View Post
    So sure, I can try and soothe myself here. Here goes:
    I really really do not like this feeling.
    I have no idea how i feel.
    Am I angry, sad, mad, powerless?
    I am all of those things
    I still question if im even over my ex in the first place, I have thoughts of getting back with her
    Thats now out the window, I can't imagine doing that anymore.
    Why do I still have the feeling that I still want her?
    Who am I more hurt by her or him?
    Hes my own brother, I would never do this to him, why would he ever do something like this to me.
    I told him when we broke up how heart broken I was and that Id never want him to get with her, and he promised he never would, and
    my own brother did it anyway. It hurts.
    It hurts to know I never will be with her again, I cant let myself do that. I need to stop wanting her now.
    Its becoming really hard to even soothe myself.
    I always mess up with this, but I need to keep trying.
    Shit happens right?
    Deal with it and move on
    So, let's stop for a moment and check in with your emotional guidance system. Which of these statements provided you with relief?

    Here's the important thing: Even if none of these didn't provide you with relief (because they sort of read like the typical things one might think in such situations, or like the platitudes we can find on a t-shirt [and those don't often help is to feel better]) then all isn't lost. If this were my “work” that I was doing, I would consider everything that you'd written here as “data collection,” as a sample of thoughts that I'd been thinking about this situation. I can then take this “data” and start to soothe each of these thoughts. Let's, whilst we're at it, take this opportunity to review what “soothing” is. The definition of “soothing” that I like is “finding thoughts which still seem true to you yet which feel better.”

    So having collected my data, I would take each of these thoughts and soothe them (according to my definition, which I got from Abraham). I would do that with each of them but let's take this one as an example (I'm going to put words in your mouth):
    Quote Originally Posted by greenergrass View Post
    I still question if im even over my ex in the first place, I have thoughts of getting back with her
    • Maybe I am. Maybe I'm not. I'm glad that Abraham don't ask me to “get over her,” because I wouldn't know how to do that. One less thing for me to do at this crazy time for me!
    • What does “get over” someone mean? It means “being able to think of them in ways that don't bring me to my knees as I do.”
    • Dang! That's the vibration journey that Abraham teach us.
    • I might not yet, in this moment, know how to take that vibrational journey on this particular topic. But I DO know that I have tools, techniques, knowledge of these teachings and the Forum to help me with my journey.
    • I do know that how I feel is a product of the thoughts I'm thinking.
    • I might not be able to “go there” now but that concept (that how I feel is a product of the thoughts I'm thinking) is helpful to me because, eventually, I CAN figure out how to shift my thoughts and, therefore, feel better, regardless of she does or who she dates.
    • That's good news to me because, one thing that I've learned from this experience is that I can't control (even if I extract promises) what anyone else does. So I'm glad I have an option to feel better no matter what anyone else does.
    • I'm looking forward to figuring that out for myself.
    • It's really just a matter of my decision to apply what I've studied to feel better, to follow through on my decision more consciously, to practice that skill and to let myself of the hook when I inevitably slip into my old habits….


    I could go on but let's stop her for a second to review this. Notice I didn't search for answers. Notice that I didn't try to figure anything out. Notice I didn't try to change who's dating whom or finding someone for me to date. I didn't even come up with a “plan” (i.e., “I'm going to do X Focus Wheels a day” or “I'm at X on the Scale on this topic and I'll climb the Scale, a level each day, until I get to Joy/etc.”) There's none of that in what I've written. But there's the potential for much relief in what I've written.

    You can do more of this, as you like.

  6. #6
    Hey wellbeing,

    Sorry for the very late reply, I haven't been feeling the greatest so haven't really been on the computer or anything to reply. I have been just trying to feel better in general and not on any specific topic right now. Because it seems like the 2 most common specific topics that come up is weather my brother is lying to me about not seeing her, which I need to work on not even caring about and being okay with anything that happens, because I can't control anyones actions or feelings except my own. So, as you said, I need to become okay with anything that happens because if I rely on what other people do for my own emotions, than I'm never going to be truly happy, and I am never going to be able to work on myself and be in the state of mind and all that I want to be in.

    Since I am not really working on the feelings from this post, I'm going to put it on the back burner, unless you can think of anything else to say about my thoughts that could be helpful to other people and jump over to my other thread that I was posting on to try and do a sort of up to date of my feelings and all that because most of it doesn't have to do with this situation.

    I do see what you mean though about soothing. I definitely am putting way to much thought into just feeling better. The way you soothed my thoughts I can definitely do that myself, and just get better and better with time. I keep being to critical on myself, when I haven't been doing this for years all the time. I need to let myself off the hook, and just relax and accept where I am at so I can move forward.

  7. #7
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by greenergrass View Post
    ...weather my brother is lying to me about not seeing her,...
    If you believe everything that you go on to say beyond this comment, then whether he is or isn't really doesn't matter. Can you see (feel) how this question gets in your way of feeling better?

    Quote Originally Posted by greenergrass View Post
    ...which I need to work on not even caring about and being okay with anything that happens,...
    When you start off by miring yourself in that "whether or not" quagmire, you're kind of stuck. As Abraham have taken to saying lately, "you can't get here from there." IOW, once you jump into your "whether or not" quagmire, you're already bogged down and you can't get to your
    "being OK." (which sort of sounds like too far of a leap from how you are telling us that you're feeling. Try for smaller steps. Use the Scale. From your place of Powerlessness or Insecurity, reach instead for thoughts of Revenge, Anger or Blame. Those all will feel better and are achievable than your "not even caring about and being okay with" that you're trying to pull off.)

    Quote Originally Posted by greenergrass View Post
    because I can't control anyones actions or feelings except my own.
    Since you can't control what he does or says, then does it really matter "whether or not" he's lying or this-ing or that-ing?

    Quote Originally Posted by greenergrass View Post
    So, as you said, I need to become okay...
    I didn't say that. I DID say that you want to (and you CAN) feel BETTER, which is a very different thing.

    Quote Originally Posted by greenergrass View Post
    with anything that happens because if I rely on what other people do for my own emotions, than I'm never going to be truly happy, and I am never going to be able to work on myself and be in the state of mind and all that I want to be in.
    But, more importantly, your emotions don't have anything to do with "other people." Your emotions are caused by the thoughts that you (in your physical body) and their relationship with the thoughts that your IB are thinking in that very same moment about that very same topic. Notice there's no "other people" in that equation. Your emotions are entirely about your relationship with You. No one else.

    Quote Originally Posted by greenergrass View Post
    Since I am not really working on the feelings from this post, I'm going to put it on the back burner,...
    You can certainly withdraw your attention from this topic, just like you would withdraw your hand from a hot stove when you touch it. However, given the fact that you live with your brother and this topic sounds like it's active within your home environment, you might find that you'll keep encountering this topic. And your vibration on this topic will be where you last left it.

    It's good to know that you have a whole variety of tools and techniques that you can apply to help you work with the thoughts that you're thinking about the many different aspects of this topic so that you can actively feel better about this topic, if you'd like.

    Quote Originally Posted by greenergrass View Post
    I do see what you mean though about soothing. I definitely am putting way to much thought into just feeling better. The way you soothed my thoughts I can definitely do that myself, and just get better and better with time. I keep being to critical on myself,...
    Yeah, but you're going to have guidance in the form of negative emotion, letting you know when you're doing that. So, you can pay attention to your emotional guidance and, at your first indicators, think different thoughts, thoughts which might feel better than your critical thoughts.

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