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Thread: We repelled each other, and now Iím sad

  1. #1

    We repelled each other, and now Iím sad

    I left my boyfriend of 3 years almost a month ago.


    A little backstory (but not too much):
    The relationship wasnít a good one. Started off amazing then everything went to shit. Wonít go into too many specifics as they arenít really that important, but he turned cold, angry, and cruel. No physical abuse just neglectful. Then I went into overanalyzing mode and tried all the real world ways to ďfixĒ a relationship. But I see now we were caught in the momentum of negativity and it spiraled out of control.


    About 6 months ago I found Abraham Hicks videos on YouTube but for financial abundance. Left a toxic job about a year ago and was running out of savings and thought if I was going to leave my relationship, I needed to get in a better place money-wise. (I was looking at reality regarding the relationship.) So I watched TONS of videos about money and well-being but nothing about relationships.


    I did focus wheels. Started getting into the vortex.


    I decided I needed to leave. He didnít want me to go. But I had already made up my mind. He still loved me. I still loved him. But it was an unhealthy relationship, I thought. He wouldnít take responsibility for his own happiness. I knew all the things he hated because that was pretty much the bulk of what he would talk about. So I thought I needed out.


    These last few weeks, I started watching AH videos about how to get over a breakup, what to do when youíre sad, etc. And now I canít shake the feeling I messed up.


    I now know all of that was my perception of him. My vibrational version of him. Had I stayed and cleaned up my own energy, he would have changed (or naturally fallen out of my vibration).


    Iíve read conventional how to get over a breakup advice and stuff like remember you left for a reason doesnít help because I keep thinking ďI should have changed my vibration.Ē


    I did reach out to him a week ago and asked if I had suggested counseling to help our communication skills would he have considered it. He said he wouldnít. And that's that.


    I know I need to start where Iím at. Get in the vortex. I know Iíll be happy. And that he will, too. But I'm struggling to shake the feeling that if I had cleaned up my vibration, we could have been happy together.


    Not sure what Iím asking exactly. I guess, help?

  2. #2
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    if you get happy NOW, and you really are a good match- then you will gravitate to each other, again!

    -Nothing gets "wrong" ever, in the way that you couldnīt work it over- for the better, endlessly.

  3. #3
    Super Kitty Marc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyAnne View Post
    He still loved me. I still loved him. But it was an unhealthy relationship, I thought.
    Neither of you were anywhere near the VIBRATION of love. That's why you describe the relationship as "unhealthy."
    Quote Originally Posted by HollyAnne View Post
    He wouldn’t take responsibility for his own happiness.
    I'd reword this to be more accurate. "Neither of us would take responsibility for our own happiness." That's why when you describe things as "going to shit," you explain it was about him being "neglectful." In other words, you not being responsible for the way you feel.
    Quote Originally Posted by HollyAnne View Post
    I knew all the things he hated because that was pretty much the bulk of what he would talk about. So I thought I needed out.

    These last few weeks, I started watching AH videos about how to get over a breakup, what to do when you’re sad, etc. And now I can’t shake the feeling I messed up.
    Essentially, you had a hypothesis -- that he was the source of your negative emotion. You tested it out -- you're not with him anymore. Now you've discovered that the negative emotion is still there. You've disproved your hypothesis. That's a good thing. Now you're on the road to taking responsibility for the way you feel, which is also a very good thing.

    Now a note on the "feeling I messed up." Guilt is a step above sadness on the EGS. It's a natural way for you to try to feeling better about all of this. That's exactly as it should be. The next part of the EGS is letting yourself off the hook and turning the blame outward.
    Quote Originally Posted by HollyAnne View Post
    I now know all of that was my perception of him. My vibrational version of him. Had I stayed and cleaned up my own energy, he would have changed (or naturally fallen out of my vibration).


    I’ve read conventional how to get over a breakup advice and stuff like remember you left for a reason doesn’t help because I keep thinking “I should have changed my vibration.”
    Once again, I'd edit for accuracy. "I should change my vibration NOW." In short, it's a great idea for you to find ways to feel better anyway.
    Quote Originally Posted by HollyAnne View Post
    I did reach out to him a week ago and asked if I had suggested counseling to help our communication skills would he have considered it. He said he wouldn’t. And that's that.
    Why would he? That's just more of you trying to get him to be responsible for the way you feel just like you had been before.
    Quote Originally Posted by HollyAnne View Post
    I know I need to start where I’m at. Get in the vortex. I know I’ll be happy. And that he will, too. But I'm struggling to shake the feeling that if I had cleaned up my vibration, we could have been happy together.
    That's neither here nor there. You're learning the basics of how to take creative control of your experience. That's not something you do in a day. You are where you are. There's no point in looking backward. Your job is to look FORWARD and make peace with where you are.

  4. #4
    Thank you for your reply, paradise-on-earth.


    After posting this, I had a good cry and then soothed myself with there are no wrong decisions or choices. And it helped. I do feel better. There's this part of me that feels leaving was the "right" choice.


    I think what I'm struggling with is wanting him back, even though I'm the one who ended things, and all the worry that goes along with that.


    What if he meets someone else?!? What if he'll never trust me again because I left?!? What if, even though leaving was right, it is the very reason why he'll never want to be with me again? Blah, blah, blah Monkey brain at it's finest...


    And then there's this little bratty part of me thinking "I know I'll be happy but I want to be happy with him!" *Insert childish foot stomp. Of course, then I think about but I wouldn't want to be with the version he became. Or me be the version I became. But then circle on back to but what if I had just cleaned up my own damn vibration? So not helpful as I can't go back in time and change things that already happened and I need to be happy now.


    But I do have a funny question. I read through SoulSearching post and was like "how weird would it be if we're talking about and now wanting the same guy?" I don't think that's the case and if it was that would be crazy.


    But what about that situation? What about when two people both very much want to be with the same person?


    I think about the guy I fell for, and it makes me happy for a time. Then it makes me sad so I stop. But then is thatís me being conditional about my happiness, right? Like go to the happy thoughts to get in the vortex. Happy thought is how happy we were in the beginning. But is because I want to be happy with him so thinking about the happy times meaning Iím still placing conditions on my happiness?


    Iím overthinking this arenít I? Iím focusing on the wrong things?

  5. #5
    Oh Marc, wow. You're right!

    Even though I've had all this time to think and could see the ways in which I was as "guilty" of the breakdown between us (and funnily enough, in the exact same ways in which I believed he was being) and took responsibility for it, I don't know that it really clicked until just now that I still saw him as the source of my negative feelings.

  6. #6
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by HollyAnne View Post
    Thank you for your reply, paradise-on-earth.


    After posting this, I had a good cry and then soothed myself with there are no wrong decisions or choices. And it helped. I do feel better.

    Iīm glad! And, crying is ALWAYS you, allowing relief. Good for you!

    There's this part of me that feels leaving was the "right" choice.
    I think what I'm struggling with is wanting him back, even though I'm the one who ended things, and all the worry that goes along with that.

    Iīll rephrase that a bit, lets see if this feels better to you:
    You want FORWARDS (not "back") to more of what you really appreciated in this relationship.

    Does that resonate more?

    -And, you can have that! Just keep stepping forwards, while you focus on finding relief, lining up with who you really are, getting happy unconditionally- and attracting those who are a perfect match to your new, so much better feeling stance!

    What if he meets someone else?!? What if he'll never trust me again because I left?!? What if, even though leaving was right, it is the very reason why he'll never want to be with me again? Blah, blah, blah Monkey brain at it's finest...



    And then there's this little bratty part of me thinking "I know I'll be happy but I want to be happy with him!" *Insert childish foot stomp.
    Itīs not a bratty, and not a "childish" part of you. Itīs a loving and loyal part of you. Isnīt it a good thing that you donīt want to dump so easily what you have loved?

    But, you can and WILL continue to love him, eternally. Your IB will never stop to love him, also! While there might (!!) be better matches for both of you to unfold in physical life, where you might find more ease of what you really want. Allowing that is not un-loyal, but indeed true love- for yourself, as for him as well.

    Of course, then I think about but I wouldn't want to be with the version he became. Or me be the version I became. But then circle on back to but what if I had just cleaned up my own damn vibration? So not helpful as I can't go back in time and change things that already happened and I need to be happy now.

    Take the path of least resistance, and drop what feels off. Just drop it, as a hot potato. Stop messing up your vibe and -joy with poisoning it with crappy thoughts.

    "When it feels bad, than it has nothing to do with you."
    -Abe

    But I do have a funny question. I read through SoulSearching post and was like "how weird would it be if we're talking about and now wanting the same guy?" I don't think that's the case and if it was that would be crazy.

    But what about that situation? What about when two people both very much want to be with the same person?
    When you have read the thread, you have come across me, mentioning that Abe say there are never less than about 20 000 "perfect mates" available to you. There is no shortage of "the one"

    In a simple and mechanic way, the answer to your question is: Who is more in alignment with the guy will "get him".

    But that is just a puny way of explaining what really is going on. LoA must bring you what you are a match to. But who you really are and what you really want is intricately deeply UNDERSTOOD by source! And source knows this even better than you can remember and conjure. So, a specific guy might resonate deeply with you, and so you are drawn, "attracted" to him, by LoA. There is never an error in this. BUT there could be even more which you are getting ready for, while you are lining up as "far as you can see" (aka, towards this guy that you "see"). When you get there, you can see further, and then you might get attracted even further by somebody who feels even better/is an even better match.

    Donīt get it wrong, you have chosen EVERY bit of what you desire, and what now calls you. But you might have forgotten ow big and beautiful your desire REALLY is. While source never forgets this wholeness and beauty, and makes sure you will find it- IF you allow it.



    The thing that will feel magical, it isn’t, it’s just law,
    but the thing that will feel magical

    is the way in which all of those things
    that are important to you
    begin to dance together.


    San Diego, Febr. 2014




    It is not possible for someone else to receive the resources
    that were meant for you, and you cannot selfishly squander resources
    that were intended for someone else.

    All desires are answered; all requests are granted
    - and no one is left unanswered, unloved, or unfulfilled.

    When you stay aligned with your Energy Stream, you always win,
    and somebody else does not have to lose for you to win.
    There is always enough.

    From the book Ask and it is Given

    I think about the guy I fell for, and it makes me happy for a time. Then it makes me sad so I stop. But then is that’s me being conditional about my happiness, right?
    No, not really. Actually you are applying perfectly what Abe teach: You FOCUS, based upon what feels good, deliberately.

    To be true, in this physical (condition-) world, itīs close to impossible to not think and focus in terms of conditions. You can use EVERYTHING -conditions, memories, songs, food, movies... when they "make" you happy! Just drop them in the moment you get overwhelmed or even feel slightly off. Itīs ok!

    In this way you train to value the EMOTION first and foremost. And that is all that matters.



    Enjoy the Stuff to the fullest!

    If we were in your physical shoes, all of you, we would be looking
    for touchstones of well being everywhere we go.
    And we would stuff our pockets full of them.
    We would remember childhood blissful memories.
    We would remember things about our children.
    We would remember beautiful places.
    We would remember compliments that someone offered.
    We would remember heightened places of ecstasy.
    We would remember high points of our life experience.
    We would remember first kisses and first loves.

    We would just fill our pockets full.
    We would start a box, we would call it my box of good things,
    my touchstones of the well being of my life.
    We would get a great big box and any time we thought of something,
    we would write it down, we would throw it in a box.

    Or we would put souvenirs in the box.
    In the same way that young girls have hope chests,
    we would have a chest, we would have a garage, we would have
    vaults full of touchstones of well being."


    Portland, Oregon, 5/20/00



    Like go to the happy thoughts to get in the vortex. Happy thought is how happy we were in the beginning. But is because I want to be happy with him so thinking about the happy times meaning I’m still placing conditions on my happiness?



    I’m overthinking this aren’t I?
    you do, and you FEEL it, right? When it doesnīt feel so good, drop it. Find another stance to look at this, that feels better. -Easy guidance!

  7. #7
    Woke up this morning feeling good. Then that went away for a bit and decided to meditate which then led to a walk. It felt good to move. I loved the birds and the flowers along the way. And then I had thoughts. OK. My IB is always taking care of me. I was getting more and more into the vortex the last few months. And I had this grand idea out of the blue of what I wanted to do. I was compelled to do it. I couldnít stop thinking about it. And leaving seemed the only right thing to do for both of us. Even when it hurt to see him cry. The one or two suggestions he made just didnít seem right to me. They felt like addressing a symptom and not the cause which I now see was my own vibration. So even though it made me sad, I literally could not stop myself from not leaving. (Because I almost unpacked everything and stayed.) Iíve had moments of ďwow, Iím so glad to have this opportunity. Without all of this, I would be in the same place continuing to hold myself out of alignment.Ē And then moments of, ďhey dummy, you were getting in the vortex and very slowly he was changing.Ē For instance, after two years of ignoring me when he would come home or get up in the mornings, he started saying hello and good morning. Even though there were so many times in the years before that I thought, ďI should tell him I think itís rude to ignore someone and it makes me feel unimportant to him.Ē But I didn't. I just let it hurt my feelings. But he also stopped coming to bed. So I was confused and I kept thinking I had to leave. So here comes the sorrow. I was changing and he was but just not fast enough. I already made up my mind. But maybe that uncontrollable compulsion to leave was my IB guiding me to what Iíve been putting in my vortex for years? Because the thing is, that grand idea of what I wanted to do, I donít really want to do it anymore. So Iíve put it aside for now because it doesnít feel good. Abd in all honesty, I donít really feel like doing much of anything at all right now. Iím sorry. I know it doesnít seem like Iím asking questions but I am. I just donít know what the questions are right now.

  8. #8
    songbird's Avatar
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    Oh I really love that quote about touchstones. I am going to do that myself....just need a very big box!
    Thank you Paradise
    Thank you HollyAnne.

  9. #9
    songbird's Avatar
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    I think about the guy I fell for, and it makes me happy for a time. Then it makes me sad so I stop. But then is that’s me being conditional about my happiness, right? Like go to the happy thoughts to get in the vortex. Happy thought is how happy we were in the beginning. But is because I want to be happy with him so thinking about the happy times meaning I’m still placing conditions on my happiness?


    I’m overthinking this aren’t I? I’m focusing on the wrong things?
    [/QUOTE]

    What is happening here is that you are thinking thoughts that source agrees with and so feeling good, and then thinking thoughts that do not match the source perception within you and then you feel bad.

    Its not so much that your placing conditions on your happiness, more that you believe that the conditions are causing your happiness, or unhappiness, instead of the wonderful news that it is only your thoughts that allow or resist the good feeling energy of your Source.

    We feel happy when we are thinking thoughts that blend us with our inner beings perspective.
    We feel sad when we are thinking thoughts that resist that good feeling vibration.

    How you feel has nothing to do with this other person. But everything to do with your OWN thoughts and whether they allow the energy of your larger, broader source to flow fully, or whether they pinch that energy off to some degree.

    Same with your regret, and self doubt.
    Your inner being does not think that way, and so when you do you feel the separation of that.
    That is really what negative emotion is.....resisting the source perception that always feels good.

    So when you are feeling bad, stop and remind yourself that you could not be feeling bad, if your inner being was not feeling really good and you were not resisting that perspective.

    And then ask yourself one hundred times a day, "I wonder what my inner being thinks about this same thing....what am I thinking about this that my inner being does not think.....what am I not thinking about this, that my inner being DOES think"

    And when you feel really good, KNOW that it is because you are thinking thoughts that match those of the source within you.
    And never again, will you be looking for love in all the wrong places, and not know it!
    Because you would have come to really understand what your emotional guidance is guiding your ABOUT.
    How much of your source perception you are allowing in the moment. Period.

    And then, when you are stable in that understanding, you will look back and thank this guy who helped you to understand and come to really know the love that is within you, and the way to it from the inside out.

    And remember when your feeling that alignment, ONLY good can come to you.
    And only what you have put into your vortex will come to you.
    And trust that as a result of this relationship experience, your vortex version has greatly expanded.
    So, there is no regret, because there is ONLY ever expansion.
    YOU have expanded, its in your vortex.

    But the missing piece, is only ever getting yourself into vibrational alignment with it.
    And it sounds like you are gradually doing that, so give yourself the benefit of the doubt and look at what wonderful decisions you are making and have made and begin to trust yourself like the source within you trusts you. And begin to feel the love that the source within you feels for you. It is a wonderful thing.

    All the best.

  10. #10
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Whenever you feel JOYFULLY compelled to do something, this is your IB calling you to what YOU have desired.

    There are many compelleing impulses, but when they do not feel joyful- or as relief!- they come just from a trained unwanted momentum of your resistance.

    But however, it doesnīt matter to figure anything of this out now, because the only thing that can do, is mix you up.
    ALWAYS look forwards.
    Your IB never looks back!
    What was has gotten you HERE, and what matters is what is in your vortex- and that feels CALLING you forwards, into the future and into your expansion.

    When you donīt "know" yet what to do, then donīt make big decisions! Just keep your life in a balance that feels comfortable, and find joy IN ANY WAY that works, for you. Donīt hype it, but RELAX into living more and more authentically joyful. Learn to get mostly stable ITV, and to not be mad at yourself when you fly out sometimes (it is really normal).

    That is the most helpful thing you can do from a place of "not yet knowing"- and enjoy your journey, that has no other goal than getting happy, day after day after day.
    The "big" things will come. Youīll know, when you stand before them!

    Take it easy. Chill out. Start to live life as you intended to- JOYFUL, first and foremost. And then.

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