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Thread: what is wrong with me?

  1. #1

    what is wrong with me?

    Hi there -

    still going through a really painful breakup. My heart hurts so bad and my stomach is in complete knots.

    Im blaming myself for the demise of this relationship. In a nutshell, we met eight months ago and fell in love hard. Head over heels. It was amazing for a bit. I will admit that I wanted him to "save" me. I respected and admired him when I thought hat maybe he *could* save me. But then I found out that he has financial problems, not huge but he doesn't offer any stability. I don't we upset but I think I got to a point where I was willing to make it work. But what happened is that I started losing respect for him. The instability, he was running all over the world working on deals that I don't think will ever happen, he is sensitive about his past failures. I am quite successful myself, and have stability, and desire some of that in my partner as well. I can handle some, but he started traveling more to try harder to make these deals happen, partly because I think I made him feel like he wasn't enough. And everything changed. The power dynamic completely changed. I was trying to get ok wth the situation because I really did like him, but I felt like I uncovered a huge insecurity that would never go away after that.

    He started thinking that I thought he was weak, which I did. And I don't find that attractive. I get that everybody has weaknesses and vulnerabilities, but I felt like he needs to be out on a pedestal and I no longer put him up on one when I learned of all this stuff that has gone on in his past and how much he very clearly hasn't dealt with it.

    He broke up with me saying that the relationship doesn't feel good to him. It didn't feel good to me anymore either, but clearly he has a lower tolerance for emotional pain than I do.

    Im so upset. But I think it has more to do wth the fact that I'm blaming myself and thinking there is something wrong with me. The relationship itself actually wasn't all that great, aside for the first month until I found out all the problems. Here are some of my thoughts.

    Im a cold woman
    If only I were more loving
    am I not loving enough?
    what is wrong with me?
    why can't his love be enough for me?
    am I supposed to want to rub his back and treat him like this admirable person when really, I work harder than he does?
    is there something wrong with me?
    whats wrong with me?
    there must be something wrong wth me

    ok so that's the trend there. What is wrong with me. How can I stop thinking there is something wrong with me, about everything (this is not unique to this situation), all the time? Why do I think there is something wrong with me? If I didn't think this, I believe I could get on with my life and accept that this wasn't meant to be.

    Is is there any abe-esque way of working this out? This is probably by biggest problem in life, period.

    Any and all advice vice is so apprexiated.

    JS

  2. #2
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    what is wrong with me?

    From the standpoint of your IB, there is absolutely nothing “wrong” with you. You cannot get it wrong.

    So, if you’re going to tell yourself a story along the lines of “what is wrong with me?” or of “there’s something wrong with me,” you’re going to have guidance in the form of negative emotion. If you think those thoughts or tell those stories, your guidance will “get bigger,” as Abe promise, to the point that you can have your physical discomfort. That’s the Law of Attraction in action, turning thoughts to things.

    Similarly, you will also create negative emotions for yourself thinking quite a number of the thoughts that you’re thinking here. It’s all right that you’re thinking them. Even that isn’t anything “wrong” with you.

    However, if you don’t want those negative emotions and that physical discomfort, then you’ll want to use these teachings to help yourself feel better. That’s Abraham’s “only one answer.”


    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    Im blaming myself for the demise of this relationship.

    First off, this Blame that you’re talking about is simply thoughts that you’re thinking. And I get it. I’m sure you have really, really good reasons for thinking your thoughts. But the reality is Blame is a human idea. Our IB, who understands that everything is a co-creation and that everything is a perfect unfolding of these principles, will never join you in your thoughts of self-blame.

    So, if you want to feel better from what you’re telling us that you’re experiencing, you’re going to want to soothe and shift your thoughts of self-blame. What would you tell a really dear friend who came to you, telling you this very story that you’re telling us? How would you help her to feel better?

    A lot of people would jump in with platitudes, like “It’ll get better, with time” or “There’s some out there that’s even better,” etc. But as you already know, those platitudes don’t feel better. So, what could you tell her that is true and feels a little less crappy? That’s all you need to do.

    Now, you may have noticed that Blame is on the Scale. But that Blame is blame of others, because it feels better to blame someone else (anyone else) than it does to blame yourself. So, one way you could use these teachings to help yourself to feel better might be to shift your focus from your self-blame to find others (him, me, Abraham, the world, your parents, etc.).


    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    In a nutshell,...

    You can do the same with the bulk of this story.

    But you might have an easier go of it after you’ve slowed down some of your momentum. Two effective ways of slowing down your momentum is to Take a Nap or Meditate. If it’s absolutely not possible for you to Take a Nap or Meditate, you could temporarily Distract Yourself from this topic. If you use any of these techniques, your momentum will slow down.

    Once your momentum has slowed down, when you’re not feeling as raw and ragged about this topic, you can go through the story you’ve posted here and soothe and shift your words, phrases and sentences of this story, just like you did above.

    All of that was the “How.”

    Now, for some commentary from these teachings about your story.

    First off, you can’t relitigate this experience enough in any way that’s going to help you to feel better. And relitigating it isn’t going to change your unfolding. So, you’re going to want to let go that habit, which you’ve practiced here.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    we met eight months ago and fell in love hard. Head over heels. It was amazing for a bit. I will admit that I wanted him to "save" me. I respected and admired him when I thought hat maybe he *could* save me. But then I found out that he has financial problems, not huge but he doesn't offer any stability.

    No one, no thing can offer any stability. Your stability ONLY EVER comes from your own alignment. Your alignment is your job and your job only. Your alignment can be “unconditional,” that is, independent from conditions, but you’ll have to practice yourself into that perspective.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    But what happened is that I started losing respect for him.

    “I started thinking thoughts of lesser respect than I had been thinking about him.” <--That’s what you’re saying there.

    Those are your thoughts, over which you have the ability to find different thoughts. If you want to feel better, you’ll want to find different, better-feeling thoughts. You can do that.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    ... that I don't think will ever happen,...

    You see? Even your own words remind you that these are all your thoughts. You’ve learned that you can’t control him, but you do have the ability to control your thoughts. The good news is that it’s through the exercise of the control of your thoughts that you DO have that you feel better, as you’re asking us here and as Abraham teach us to do.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    ...but I felt like I uncovered a huge insecurity that would never go away after that.

    You say “felt,” but you really meant “thought.” Again, something that you now have control over.

    You don’t believe that people can change, can grow, can become “better”? That’s good to know, isn’t it?

    Or you don’t believe that he has the ability to change, grow, become “better”? That’s good to know, too, isn’t it?

    Because your IB will never join you in these conclusions, which means that as you think this thought now (because you’re stating it now, and that’s contributing to your physical manifestations of discomfort), you’re having negative emotion. That’s guidance. How are you tending to your guidance?

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    He broke up with me saying that the relationship doesn't feel good to him. It didn't feel good to me anymore either, but clearly he has a lower tolerance for emotional pain than I do.

    Then, from the standpoint of these teachings, he’s better off than you are, because “tolerance for emotional pain” is the opposite of what Abraham teach. Have you heard about this thing that they call our “emotional guidance system”?

    Abraham used to tell the story of how if we keep our hand on a hot stove for long enough, it hurts. But then some of us want to sew asbestos pads to our fingertips and inject our fingertips with anaesthetic. Isn’t that the “tolerance for emotional pain” that you’re talking about? That’s not helpful, either with hands that wind up on stove or with working with these teachings.

    Now, presumably he’s not an Aber, so he wouldn’t know about his emotional guidance system or how to work with it. So, his only option is an action decision of “Stay? Go?”

    But you are an Aber, so you have more options. Now, I’m not talking about “then” because, unless you have a TARDIS, you’re not going to change what you had already manifested. But you have your options Now and you can use your options to feel better Now.

    And I’m suggesting this, not to fix your relationship or to get him back, but for the simple reason that you can feel better Now, which is what you are wisely asking us here.

    [QUOTE=jakeysnakey;983710]Im so upset. But I think it has more to do wth the fact that--[QUOTE=jakeysnakey;983710]
    “--that I am willing to think thoughts with which my IB will not agree and I am willing to think those thoughts in spite of my emotional guidance system, letting me know--in very pronounced ways--that my IB will not agree with my thoughts and that my thoughts are focused towards the Unwanted/Lack-or-Absence end of my various sticks.”

    Fixed that for you. That’s why you’re upset. You can dig into this or relitigate it or analyze it into something bigger than it actually is. But those are not what Abraham teach us because they understand that those don’t help us to feel better, which is what you want in this thread and which is their “only one answer” to all of us.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    How can I stop thinking there is something wrong with me, about everything (this is not unique to this situation), all the time?

    You practice thinking different, better-feeling thoughts. You have many Processes from Abraham to help you do that. You have your emotional guidance system to guide you in that.

    But you might have an easier time of it after your momentum has subsided. So, go, Meditate or Take a Nap, or at the very least, stay away from this topic and this thread (PM a Mod if you want it closed) for a good bit, until this topic isn’t so raw and ragged for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    Why do I think there is something wrong with me?

    That doesn’t matter. Not at all. When you get into your car and program your trip into your GPS system, your GPS system doesn’t ask, “Why are you where you are?...How long have you been there?...How did you come to be there?...What have you been doing all the time that you’ve been there?” Your GPS system doesn’t care one lick about any of that. All that matters is identifying where you are now and where you want to go and then calculating (and recalculating, as necessary) from where you are to where you want to be.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    Is is there any abe-esque way of working this out?

    Sure. Take the vibrational journey from Unworthiness into the Vortex, the way that Abraham teach us. You’re not going to do that in one leap. That would be trying a quantum leap, which the LoA will not let us accomplish and which are not sustainable. Instead, feel less crappy (about this and any other topic) and then, feel less crappy than that and then, feel less crappy than that and so on….


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