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Thread: Newbie here. - My (much too) long (boring?) story about trying to manifest love

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    Newbie here. - My (much too) long (boring?) story about trying to manifest love

    Hello, nice to meet all of you.

    I'm still very new to LOA and Manifestation. I started my journey only about 2 to 3 weeks ago. I began with another author and her books and forum (So for those on that forum, you already know my story (mostly)). My original goal was to attract the love of a specific person, but a lot has happened in 2 to 3 weeks (even just the past 24 hours), and I'm learning to let go of that idea and instead, I now wish to simply attract the love of someone who embodies all of the positive qualities I saw in this person, as well as positive qualities I desire that this person may be lacking.

    I also have unintentionally manifested things, and sometimes intentionally too, without really knowing much about what I was doing. I spent a year+ trying to attract the love of a different specific person, and I did a lot of LOA techniques without really studying it or thinking too deeply about it, meditating, praying/wishing, crystals, affirmations, and so on. I didn't really know what I was doing, it was just... I wanted/wished to be with this person. I had a vague knowledge of LOA, but I wasn't really actively trying to manifest anything, I was more just, telling the universe / god of my desire / wanting them to grant my wish.

    Oddly (or not so oddly now as I've come to understand the importance of letting go in LOA), when I finally switched the person I was interested in, I "sort of" manifested what I wanted in the first person, though not completely, but there was a change. a big one. I went from seeing this target person once a month, or even sometimes 2 or 3 months would pass without seeing them, and went from having to initiate contact myself 90% of the time, basically went from chasing him, to then suddenly finding myself being "chased" - well as much as this man will ever chase me, or perhaps chase anyone. From the before state, to a state in which he was texting me the moment I got off work wanting to see me, from the once a month or less visits, to seeing them every week, and sometimes even twice in a week. From me (occasionally) writing to him, to him being the one to contact me 90% of the time, and more frequently than I had ever contacted him. Our conversations became deeper, and when I was with him, it felt very different from before. He was more loving/tender etc. I could see it in his eyes, his smile, feel it in his touch and kiss, and definitely see the change in his behavior.

    The change didn't really last long, but it was enjoyable while it lasted. This person fell very ill over the summer, so I haven't seen them in about 2 months (again, which is back to sorta the status quo of the past year of "pursuit" of this person). They did tell me not too long ago that they wanted to see me soon. Though they live close by, our schedules don't match up very often, so I'll probably see this person again eventually but not sure when exactly.

    In the meanwhile, I've been kinda "hung up" on another person, the person who originally made me want to get serious about LOA and intentional manifestation.

    In between both target 1 and target 2, I'd been on about a dozen dates with a half dozen different people; and I was feeling like maybe no one would rival my feelings for target 1. But I knew I had to try, because I didn't believe target 1 would give me the type of love I really want in my life. Prior to meeting target 2 though, most of the dates were lackluster. A lot of the time, the guys would like me, but I just wouldn't like them. Sometimes the dislike was mutual. But target 1 and 2 were the only cases in the past year where I felt the connection and attraction and so on.

    So it was no surprise that I was somewhat negative going into my first date with target 2. We had a good but brief connection online, and shared a lot of hobbies and interests, and I was drawn to his personality, but he was still, prior to our initial meeting, sorta just a "replacement" for my target 1. At least this target had most of the same physical traits (shallow I know, but my time with target 1, sorta "awakened" my uhm... preferences.... which are... unusual... and... slightly... or incredibly... embarrassing.... but I'm learning to roll with it, so whatever... There's even been a "target 3" (sort of), about 2 weeks ago that shares also these traits - though my connection with him isn't on par (yet) with target 1 and 2, and a target 4 that I've yet to meet in person).... Anyways prior to meeting target 2, I told all my friends and family, and even myself "There's no way he'll be as cute as X, as handsome as X, and no way I'll like him more than X"... but.... when I opened the door, it was pretty much (for me, sadly, only 1 sided (again)) love at first sight. He was 100 times more cute, charming, handsome than target 1, and I already knew target 2 had a much better personality (or so I thought at the time) than target 1, and that target 2 and I shared almost every hobby and interest in common.

    I'd already been distancing myself from target 1, dating other people, and moving on for several months, but when I really became truly interested in target 2, it was like a switch was flipped inside target 1. Ah, manifestation. When I let go of the outcome, then there you go. (mostly) what I had asked for, had been given. It still wasn't commitment though.

    Who knows, if he hadn't have fallen ill, maybe we would have continued frequently seeing one another. I initially thought / assumed he was a huge playboy, hence the lack of contact or effort -- but over time I've learned that he has some self esteem issues and that I could not have been further off base with my assumptions. He told me at one point EARLY on to not be nervous because he was also nervous and wondered the same things like if I wanted to be there or if I was happy. I thought yeah sure you're just trying to comfort me, because look at you, and then look at me, though I didn't specifically say that out loud. But many many many months later, he told me I'm only the 2nd girl to ever be over in his house ever. (except family of course). Here I figured he had different girls every week, but that was not true. At one point, I happened to notice he took down his dating profile, and I asked him if he was seeing someone now - I'd been kinda sad thinking/assuming that was the case, but he said he just gave up and wasn't having any luck and no one would write to him. A few days later I visited him and he began to put himself down about many many things. Physical appearance, money/career, possessions/belongings, etc. I wanted so badly to tell him to Shut up that none of that mattered and that I fricken loved him, but I said nothing and just let him vent and tried to comfort him. (because I didn't think he wanted to hear such a thing from me). He also has trust issues, twice now he has brought up an ex who cheated on him with one of his (at the time) best friends. He told me it ruined his confidence and that he's never been the same since, and that's probably "why he is the way he is" (whatever that means). He also has a lot of probably abandonment issues from events in his childhood regarding family and other issues he's shared with me. Overall, I think he is a good person, but a person who is too afraid to love anyone, but who can blame him because every single one of his experiences with love has been painful, even familial and platonic love. I feel bad for him, I think of that song "I will fix you with my love" I want to try to do that - not because I feel bad for him, but because I do genuinely love him. I don't know if that day will ever come to pass though.

    With target 1, it was mostly like a sex thing. We'd never had a proper date. Although the dating site said we were an 86% match based on life/relationship values and so on, and we shared a few hobbies and interests, and I've even come to know some of his friends, and he has asked some weird things that don't seem like "normal" things a person in a FWB relationship asks such as if my family ever asks about him (which he has asked me twice now). He also always asks and wants to know about my dating life. -- These sorts of things kinda confuse me, but I'm under no delusions which is why I continue to date and keep looking for someone who is more "relationship ready".

    I thought I had found that with target 2. Although target 2 lived a great distance away, he was coming to see me about every other weekend, sometimes more often. He would send me cute messages every morning, our lunch breaks, and at night. Things like how he missed me and wanted to snuggle and etc.

    And with target 2, we went on actual "real" dates. We went to see a few movies, went to an amusement park, out to eat, and we'd even share food when we ate. Things that felt like to me like we were in fact kinda actually "dating".

    Although I'd never revealed my feelings to my target 1, because I could never get a good "read" on him if he would be open / interested to anything else beyond the casual occasional comfort that we gave each other... I felt target 2 was different so I asked target 2 if they were interested in dating (exclusively)... Their response was that they didn't know. And they pushed the question back onto me, and I told them "Well I like you obviously, or I wouldn't have asked." They said they "liked" me too, but that the distance was harder than they initially thought it would be. Still, they continued to see me for a time... during this time, the messages continued, and they would like everything I put on social media at almost a creeper stalker fanatical level. Then about 6 weeks ago that all stopped. The messages stopped, the liking on social media stopped, the visits to come see me stopped.

    When someone shows interest, I become more interested, and when someone pulls away, I pull away... So we went from talking constantly, to... maybe 2 - 3 times a week at first -- that's decreased now to maybe once a week, as I continue to feel this person pulling away... I don't want to bother someone. Why would I want someone who doesn't want me... Once, about 2-3 weeks ago... I decided I just wasn't going to write to them anymore, and if they wanted to write to me they knew how to get in touch with me. After 8 to 9 days they wrote to me and said they hadn't heard from me lately and asked me if everything was OK... I wanted to be like "No, your sudden disinterest in me is alarming." but instead I kept it light and friendly. I spoke of events I had gone to, and things I had coming up that were going on in my life.

    After this, they never again initiated contact. I have initiated contact as I mentioned now about once or twice a week; and when I did go no contact, they did notice and reach out to me, which seems encouraging, that they at least want to maintain a friendship. But it's so much different now than it was at first.

    I'm guessing they have found someone closer to them that they're either seeing, or interested in seeing... Or that I have scared them off by asking to be "exclusive".

    Anyways, my initial goal was to attract back this person. Mostly to manifest a visit from this person again. Or to Manifest them to start sending me cute messages again. And ultimately the end goal to Manifest the sort of life I envisioned with this person.

    I began doing my own version loosely of LOA. I wasn't really sure what I was doing, but a psychic had actually told me that I would be good at manifestation and that I could get really specific with it, and told me to try visualization and dream boards and etc. -- I kinda already knew I was manifesting things --- from the "switch" that was "flipped" inside target 1. I've also always had precognitive dreams. As mentioned, target 1 would sometimes go 2 or 3 months without seeing me... but... once in a very rare while I'd have a very vivid dream about target 1. In the dream I would even say I knew I was dreaming (I later learned this is lucid dreaming, which I had previously thought meant controlling things in your dream, but apparently, the only criteria for a lucid dream is to know you're dreaming within the dream). The dreams were vivid and clear and used all of the senses, sight, sound, touch, scent, etc. -- I always "knew" that having a dream about target 1 would mean I would see him soon... and I did, without fail always within 48 hours he'd reach out to me.

    I also manifested my own "Christmas Miracle" with target 1. From about thanksgiving through christmas I kept thinking "wishing" or asking the universe for a very specific "visualization" I had in my mind, of getting to see my target 1 at the holidays. Although the meeting did not go like my visualization (at all really), it still managed to manifest itself. Prior to seeing him 2 days after Christmas, our last encounter had been prior to halloween. About 3 months had past, and his messages had been limited and brief. He'd occasionally reach out to me every few weeks and say he was sorry, that he wasn't feeling well, physically, and also depression, and that he didn't feel like his usual self -- I don't really know what his "usual" self is though, because this version of him is pretty much the "normal" version I've come to know over the last year.

    Two days after Christmas, I was out shopping with family, and came home to find a Christmas present randomly from target 1. I was kinda shocked because we were not very close even as "just friends". It was a small and simple gift, but that he even thought of me, and took time to look at my "wish list" (it was an item I had listed on a specific website from which he purchased it from), I was shocked he'd put any thought into it or about me at all. I messaged him to thank him for the gift, and he invited me over. It was probably at the time, only the 2nd time I'd spent the night as his house. Also weeks prior and weeks following this meeting, we were hit with some bad ice storms, that although target 1 lives fairly close by, I wouldn't have wanted to be out on the road... but for a period of about 5-6 days around this time, we had much warmer temps and all the ice and snow melted. Every single drop of it.

    It was as if God / Universe were "making things happen" to align with my wish / manifestation. Which I now understand is what happens in LOA. The How/When/Why aren't up to you, and all you have to do is put your intention out to the universe, and the universe / God does the rest.

    Looking back I'm sure I can find many more examples of times I have unknowingly manifested things I want... as well as manifested things I do not want. - Most recently on the negative side of things, I had a date about 2 weeks ago with someone new (referred to as target 3 above). I originally was going to drive about 3 hours to meet this person, but I have a slight sorta "fear" of driving. I can/do drive, but I am not really comfortable with it? Especially in big cities and our original date was to meet in Buffalo. I became so nervous about if I could handle the drive that I tried to initially break off the date. But the person wanted to see me so badly that they were instead of being angry, actually very polite / nice / kind and told me "next time" we'd meet up half way. I checked what half way would be, and found it was the town where my most recent long term relationship person lived, and I'd driven there for 4 years back and forth, so I was familiar and more comfortable with this. I told them we could keep the initial time/date of the date, if they wanted to drive half way to meet up. And they did. And we had a great date EXCEPT, that as we were leaving the first stop on our date, I backed out and hit another car that was also backing out - I had manifested EXACTLY the thing I was afraid of happening. Because I'd spent days before worrying about and "focusing" on this what if this happened / how I would feel / what I would do etc. And then, even though it was unlikely enough to begin with, it became even MORE unlikely when we changed the location of the date to somewhere I felt more comfortable driving -- but yet it STILL occurred, because I had manifested it to occur by my constant attention to this bad unwanted thing.

    Recently my negativity is working on manifesting another bad unwanted thing to occur. I know for me, one of the hardest days of my life is going to be when my target 2 updates his social media profile to "in a relationship" it is going to crush me. I've thought about this fear several times now, imagined it, seen it happening, and imagined how badly it's going to make me feel and how it's going to affect our friendship. All of these things. These bad unwanted things.

    When these thoughts come in, I tell myself NO. I instead TRY to imagine instead immediately what it would be like if he updated his "status" to say in a relationship with me, and all the comments of congratulations from both of our friends and family, and seeing his picture next to mine, and the heart icon and other things on social media. Really trying to feel how happy and excited and contented and fulfilled and grateful and relieved and etc I would feel.

    Anyways so I began doing my own LOA. I started simply with Affirmations. Saying them out loud every single morning before moving an inch in my bed, and every night right before I went to bed. I still didn't really know if I was doing things "right". This was all before reading or researching anything. I just felt that I should do this. I've still continued to do this. I will say "X and I are in an exclusive committed long term relationship with each other, and we are happy. X and I really love each other, and we are grateful to God and Universe for bringing us together."

    As I became more interested in LOA I began reading books and researching things online. I began really focusing on my visualizations. I began a private, me only, locked down tight, journal, where I began scripting, writing about the life I was "living" (although not quite reality yet, maybe even the furthest thing from reality), I would write about my life as if X and I were already together. About how we'd meet each others' friends, about how our hypothetical future kids would play together with our friends' kids, about how our hypothetical future dog would play with our hypothetical future kids, about how the house would look, features it would have, like a pool and trampoline for the kids to play on, BBQs we would have in the back yard, family vacations we would take to different places, etc.

    I focused on writing in the present, as if I was living it right then, and never put qualifiers like the word "future" or "hypothetical" I just wrote it as any person would write in their REAL journal, about REAL events that happened that date.

    I also focused on how I would feel, especially trying to say how grateful I would feel.

    I began in addition to the scripting, creating gratitude lists.

    I began remote influence and remote seduction and whispering technique on several different targets to see if there would be any affects. None of my targets seemed influenced... however... within a few days of beginning these techniques... I began to attract others to me.

    A very long time friend who I have not met in person but have tried (and failed) to meet several times, and drifted in and out of contact with off an on, suddenly after 3 months of no contact, wrote to me to tell me that he was sorry about our plans falling through, and it sounded so sincere and genuine. the first time our plans fell through it cost me several hundred dollars as I already had plane tickets. There's been at least one other time that's cost me money - but all of the failed attempts have cost me emotional discomfort. We have in the past discussed dating but there is physical distance, and this sort of "flakeyness" that I dunno, maybe we both possess, because you're not supposed to blame the other person right? They are just a reflection of you. So maybe it's mutual flakeyness, but regardless, the stars just never aligned... We've remained friends, though I know it's put a strain a few times on the friendship... Anyways... things are mostly good there, as friends, but we've just kinda backed off a lot and had fallen out of contact / gotten busy with our own lives....

    within a few days of starting RI RS and Whispering technique, this person who I hadn't heard from in 3 months, apologized AND said he had just gotten off the phone with his grandma and that they had a long conversation and that his grandma asked him why he didn't just have me stay there with her. I was kinda surprised he'd be talking to his family about me (although he'd already talked about me to his friends and coworkers and other people). And a year later after everything. And I was surprised he'd send me that message out of the blue...

    Something made him think of me suddenly out of the blue.

    But he wasn't the only one...

    I've been in and out of contact with perhaps another dating prospect. We haven't met up yet, and for over a month we were "no contact" not because of anything either of us did or didn't do, just busy living life. I'd almost forgotten about this person. And then a day after the message about the guy with his grandma, then the next day, this other guy writes to me, and tells me "I've been thinking about you". And he wanted to meet up, but it was "sort of" late at night. Not like booty call late, but late enough when I had to work the next day. And it was just ONE day after my most recent date (where we met half way, I hit the car, and etc). I'm an introvert and need some down time between social interactions with "strangers" lol. And I was tired mentally and physically, so I declined. We made plans to try again in 2 weeks, which should be this week I think but I haven't been able to reach the guy yet. I just asked him how his work trip was going, and left it at that, wanting to show at least that I was still interested in meeting up.

    Neither of these 2 guys were a target for any of my LOA activities.

    I've read though that it's common to attract other people unintentionally because they want to be around your positivity that you're projecting out into the universe. Love attracts love.

    I've sorta started using that as an affirmation too, when I feel nervous or down on myself. I tell myself "I am beautiful, because I am part of God. God's name is I am. So when you say 'I am beautiful' you are saying God is beautiful, but also that you are beautiful. (I read that part in a book, and then I add) I am love, and everyone seeks and desires love, so everyone seeks and desires me."

    I started meditation and subliminal and hypnosis videos. And started consciously trying to raise my vibration and be more positive.

    Initially I thought I had seen some success, even as recently as yesterday. But last night I saw something that really depressed me. And it's a struggle to stay positive. I saw that Target 2's calendar is filled up for like almost 2 months, so I started thinking "This won't work" "How can I manifest him to come visit me when he's doing all these other things, and it's already been almost 2 months since I've seen target 2, so then it'll be 4 months... minimum...".... Before when things were "going well" I told him "I guess I won't see you for about 3 weeks, cuz you're working, and then it's father's day, and then you're working" And he wrote back "Nooooo" and said he didn't want to wait. And he came to see me on Father's day (because he went out the day or two before with his family instead). Now it's like wow you're so busy, you don't even write to me (first) anymore, and you have all these things going on, how / when will I see you.

    My positivity and enthusiasm quickly evaporated. The "signs" I had thought I saw were suddenly meaningless. - Even just a few hours and the days leading up to before this, I was feeling positive because he had started resuming frequently liking social media posts. (which is a little thing and a dumb thing but I thought it was a trend back towards the person I had "fallen in love with") - I realize also it could be he went "cold" not wanting to give me too much encouragement and false hope because he knew I had feelings for him which he didn't want to encourage, and then when I began dating/living my life - posting pics with new dates and new platonic friends - then he's felt more "OK" to be back on "friendly" terms with me, less like I'm "hung up on him". I do love target 2, but I'm not going to die without him, I'm not living my life sitting around waiting for target 2 (or 1 for that matter) to magically change into this wonderful person. But still sometimes the desire is strong and it pushes me off the course of gratitude / positivity for the "now."

    I know this goes against LOA - but hey that's why I'm here on the forum, we are all imperfect and learning and practicing still. The how and the why and the where and the when should not be up to me - it is up to God and universe.... but I'm getting sad / depressed and in a really "unhappy place" -- even though I'm "doing everything right" - I'm living my life, out dating and talking to other people, going to platonic meetups (actually have a story about that too which I'll share in a sec). And doing my LOA activities, but I still feel myself "slipping" or "sinking" sometimes into this unhappy place.

    When I was seeing progress, I was seeing the number 8 EVERY where, I didn't know what it meant at the time, but I later read that this is the number of "personal power" and self confidence and the number most associated with manifestation and abundance and the "universal spiritual law of cause and effect" which states that "The energy of thoughtfulness, kindness and graciousness are considered to be ‘good karma’. When you send these energies out, they will be returned to you in kind." -- Very similar to LOA and Lanie's PW. - Like I mentioned I have been really focused on gratitude in my visualizations and scripting - so this tells me the universe is acknowledging my gratitude and that it will repay my graciousness. "Angel Number 8 brings an uplifting message of encouragement from your angels telling of achievements, success, striving forward, progress and attainment. It is a message to stay optimistic and listen to your intuition and inner-guidance as you hold positive expectations and thoughts of positive abundance in all its forms" - So it's a sign from the Universe encouraging me to continue my manifesting and visualizations.

    I would also hear songs with lyrics SPECIFICALLY about manifestation. -- Even last night when I started working on my vision board, I found quotes ABOUT manifestation without looking for quotes about this. I was looking for quotes / images from a movie (rather type of movie) that I like that I felt "feels like love to me, personally" I wasn't even aware of this one particular movie, it was just in the same "realm" of the other movies, and there it was, 2 images I put on my board. One says "Don't Start with Seeing, Start with Believing." and the other one says. "Don't compete with your past, but rather expect great things from your future, and love your present self." I now want to start watching this movie or tv series to see if it actually is about manifestation. I began looking for images for my vision board lastnight at my lowest point since my journey began a few weeks ago. Perhaps this too is a sign that I need to trust that it's all working. But it's so hard some times.

    I decided last night "Well 'F it'" I decided to start letting go. Still super super super hard to let go. I decided instead start making a vision board AND journaling about all of the specific qualities, actions, traits, that I want my next love to have. The superficial outward appearance things, but also the important life/relationship goal things, personality traits, and "someone who makes time for me" -- Because THAT has been the problem with BOTH target 1 and target 2. They match like 90% of the things I want, but they're "unavailable" - in target 1, it's emotionally unavailable, and in target 2, it's literally unavailable because of distance / time. I want something very very specific and I don't want to settle. I used to be afraid of being alone. And even though I very much want a partner to share hobbies and go do fun things together with and connect with emotionally, physically, spiritually, etc, it's like, well I've become OK being alone. I don't want to say well X has this quality and that quality so that makes up for not having these other 5 qualities I want. I've done that in almost all of my previous relationships, and I'm just so done settling.

    I went to a meet up over the weekend. I have bad severe social anxiety, so I practiced kinda briefly/vaguely visioning that I would talk to everyone there, and have a great time. Then I thought, maybe that's asking too much, I started visioning more strongly that I would talk to at least 5 people there, and make 5 new friends.

    What happened was, I was still awkward and struggled. But when people came up to me (which they almost never do approach me first), but this time, people did. They complimented me even. So when they'd approach me. I'd say "Oh I don't think I've seen you at a meet up before. My name is blahblah" and they'd introduce themselves too. By the end of the event I came home to 3 new facebook friend requests from people at the meetup. AND I had talked to another married or dating couple who approached me together, but I had not exchanged contact info with them -- so there!! That's the FIVE PEOPLE I specifically envisioned.

    I've been going to this same meetup for several years - and only really had 1 "good friend" from the meetup. So this was... an improvement. I feel like now, if I start chatting and building rapport with these new people, I will be able to go to the next meetup with "4 good friends" instead of just 1 and be much more comfortable.

    So that has been my "journey" so far.
    Last edited by AquaRose; 08-10-2017 at 01:33 PM.

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