Page 1 of 2 12 LastLast
Results 1 to 10 of 17

Thread: In the process of Separation and Divorce

  1. #1

    In the process of Separation and Divorce

    Hi, guys. I posted a couple of months ago regarding some issues I have with my wife. Well, things have gotten so worse that she wanted a separation and ultimately a divorce. A couple of questions I have that is really nagging me. So, do please help me.

    1) I have been really trying to meditate, feel good and I actually succeeded in doing that, when my wife is not around. Actually, I do feel pretty good most of the time when she is not around to remind me of what I did that caused her to react this or that way. However, I understand that the momentum of our negative creation is so huge (over 15 years of marriage) that it will take time to soothe it. She hated the way I do things, blamed my whole family for the way my son react to her negative OOTVness, blamed me for whatever that goes wrong (such as can't properly take care of finance, I screwed up everything, even gets angry for trivial things like not being able to get Pokemon items from EVERY Poke Stop while driving as I drove too fast, etc!!! To sum up her image of me - I am a loser and it is a BIG mistake to be married to me!


    From how I looked at it and the emotion that she expresses, I really hurt her real bad, although I know that I did not do it purpose. All my life, I am just more easy going whereas she is a very intense person. Still, the guilt that I have for making her feel the way she felt is really eating into my self-confidence. In fact, throughout our whole 15 years of marriage, my self esteem had been constantly been eroded, although I now also know that this is because of how I judge her judging me. My question is, what else can I do so that a divorce won't happen and get back with her and my son again? She is pretty adamant about the divorce (just told me she can't wait to be announced as a divorcee! Whew!).

    2) She asked me to move out of the house within this week. A part of me feels ready to do that (because it is better than to keep the bad momentum of our marriage alive) but another part of me really felt lost (as I have not been away from them for more than a day at a time). Seemed that everything that I wished for is falling apart! Should I go ahead with the separation or try to soothe my way into not separate?

    3) I have been meditating and listening to Abe saying that separation is sometimes good but not sure if this applies for me. From my stand point of the way things are going, there is just no way for me to turn things around, period! I don't want to go back to what IS (meaning sometimes when she is in good mood, everything is fine but when she is in a foul mood, she blames me for everything). I know that when I experience what I don't want, my source is living the things that I want. Is my source preparing me for someone else or just waiting for me to get into alignment to give me back my family in a way that will be pleasing to me and my wife (and son)?

    4) Seemed strange that her behavior has become so negative towards me lately. I can still remember a few months ago, when she is ITV once in a while, she sometimes kisses me and said she love while I were still sleeping (she thought I was, anyway). I know that deep down inside, she still loves me but cannot stand to be with me as she thinks my behavior is hindering her progress as a person and not once am I appreciative about her. I do many times wonder why I didnít do more until it is too late to make her feel happy. However, from what Abe said about happiness, I guess I cannot be held responsible for the way she feels, am I right? Even so, unwanted situations have occurred due to her thinking that I should make her happy. That's why I still had this nagging and 'blaming myself' feeling that I should have done more. It's not that I didn't try but no matter how hard I try, I always fall short of her expectations. Should I have done more? I know that Abe said that action from non-aligmnent is not recommended but it is really difficult to know sometimes whether my actions are from alignment or non-alignment (meaning just trying to please her without getting into alignment first).

    5) I just want to be happy like everyone else and I know that she is too. We have put so much into our vortex that it would really be a joyous journey together if we were to be able to align with it. Of course, she didnít know about Abe and their teachings (really wished she know, though) but somehow on my side, although I am already into Abeís teachings for at least 5 years, I am still stuck in step 1 most of the time. Somehow, the fear not being able to progress (just like my relationship) is really eating into me. What now for me?

    Sorry for the long winded post and thanks very much in advance.

    Regards.

  2. #2
    So if you are observing someone who is unhappy (for any reason) your very observation of their unhappiness prevents you from being in your Vortexóand so it is not possible for you to help them. But if, instead, your priority is being inside your own Vortex, and so you do not allow yourself to focus upon their problem or their unhappiness, and so you remain inside your Vortex... now, as you hold them as your object of attention from inside your Vortex, you may influence them to enter their Vortex, and therefore feel better.
    -Vortex Meditation guidebook

    Our daily meditation process will help you to find and maintain your alignment with the Energy that creates worlds, so that you can then offer your true power of upliftment as you shine the spotlight of your gaze upon others. Literally everyone you think about from inside the Vortex benefits.
    -Vortex Meditation guidebook

    There is a tendency to say: Iím good for them. And if I am not there they will suffer my loss. And yet I donít want to be there but I am committed to be there and I feel trapped in my commitment and therefore I donít like them, because they need me and theyíve trapped me. And we say feel the difference when we say: everyone has access to Source Energy and everyone has their own vibrational escrow and I cannot stand on my head in enough ways to keep them happy but I can close my own vibrational gap. And then ask yourself: "Can I take action right now, which I am tempted to do, and close my vibrational gap or does it widen it?"

    And we can tell by the way you feel and the very words you ask for here that that action widens your gap. It doesnít close it. Even though ultimately it may very well be what you are going to do. Doing it now, before you have lined up energy gets you going that way instead of that way. Sometimes people worry and say: "No, Iíve made my decision Abraham. Iím moving on. Donít try to talk me into staying." And we say weíre not trying to talk you into combining with that relationship. Weíre trying to talk you into combining with you and You. And when you take the time to line up with You, every action that you offer will be beneficial to anyone with whom you are interacting.

    San Rafael, California 7/30/2006

  3. #3
    I had a situation of marital crisis a few years ago, in my case a temporary separation did a lot of good. For a few months I had the chance to take care of my vibration and my child without further complications, and I did. Soon after we decided to live together again, and at that point I was in a place where I could relate to the dynamics differently.
    You don't actually need to physically separate, in my case we were together 24/7 so there was really no space for solitude, but that is a rare case. Whenever you can, the most you can, you need to separate yourself mentally from 'the problem' and 'the other' so you can raise your vibration. Once you've taken good care of yourself in that way, then all the rest will fall into place. Should it fall apart instead, you'll be more open to see change as an opportunity more than a disaster. Good luck!
    Last edited by rose essence; 07-26-2017 at 06:46 PM.

  4. #4
    Super Kitty Marc's Avatar
    Join Date
    May 2008
    Location
    Tempe, Arizona, USA
    Posts
    9,477
    Quote Originally Posted by cacheman View Post
    1) I have been really trying to meditate, feel good and I actually succeeded in doing that, when my wife is not around. Actually, I do feel pretty good most of the time when she is not around to remind me of what I did that caused her to react this or that way. However, I understand that the momentum of our negative creation is so huge (over 15 years of marriage) that it will take time to soothe it. She hated the way I do things, blamed my whole family for the way my son react to her negative OOTVness, blamed me for whatever that goes wrong (such as can't properly take care of finance, I screwed up everything, even gets angry for trivial things like not being able to get Pokemon items from EVERY Poke Stop while driving as I drove too fast, etc!!! To sum up her image of me - I am a loser and it is a BIG mistake to be married to me!


    From how I looked at it and the emotion that she expresses, I really hurt her real bad, although I know that I did not do it purpose. All my life, I am just more easy going whereas she is a very intense person. Still, the guilt that I have for making her feel the way she felt is really eating into my self-confidence. In fact, throughout our whole 15 years of marriage, my self esteem had been constantly been eroded, although I now also know that this is because of how I judge her judging me. My question is, what else can I do so that a divorce won't happen and get back with her and my son again? She is pretty adamant about the divorce (just told me she can't wait to be announced as a divorcee! Whew!).

    Manifestations are simply indicators of vibration, in the same way that the gas gauge in your car is the indicator of how much gas is in the tank. If your gas gauge shows the tank is empty, the only way the gauge will change is if you fill the tank. What you're describing is no different than saying that your gas gauge is showing that the tank is empty -- the manifestation is simply a reflection of how you already feel. If you want the indicator to change, that means you have to find ways to feel BETTER about where you are.

    Quote Originally Posted by cacheman View Post
    2) She asked me to move out of the house within this week. A part of me feels ready to do that (because it is better than to keep the bad momentum of our marriage alive) but another part of me really felt lost (as I have not been away from them for more than a day at a time). Seemed that everything that I wished for is falling apart! Should I go ahead with the separation or try to soothe my way into not separate?

    We're really not in the position to tell you whether you should take or not take any particular action. Only you know

    Quote Originally Posted by cacheman View Post
    3) I have been meditating and listening to Abe saying that separation is sometimes good but not sure if this applies for me. From my stand point of the way things are going, there is just no way for me to turn things around, period!
    From the standpoint of action, that may be true. Fortunately, there's always a way to turn things around -- that's by finding ways to feel BETTER about things even though the conditions haven't changed.
    Quote Originally Posted by cacheman View Post

    I don't want to go back to what IS (meaning sometimes when she is in good mood, everything is fine but when she is in a foul mood, she blames me for everything).

    And you blame her as well, which makes things a perfect match.
    Quote Originally Posted by cacheman View Post

    I know that when I experience what I don't want, my source is living the things that I want. Is my source preparing me for someone else or just waiting for me to get into alignment to give me back my family in a way that will be pleasing to me and my wife (and son)?
    Well, in the broader view, everything alway leads you back to what you want as it's inevitable for you to come into alignment with your desire. At the same time, you're the creator of your reality. You're experiencing the product of your vibration. If you want a different experience, you have to start offering a different vibration.
    Quote Originally Posted by cacheman View Post
    4) Seemed strange that her behavior has become so negative towards me lately. I can still remember a few months ago, when she is ITV once in a while, she sometimes kisses me and said she love while I were still sleeping (she thought I was, anyway). I know that deep down inside, she still loves me but cannot stand to be with me as she thinks my behavior is hindering her progress as a person and not once am I appreciative about her.

    See what I wrote above about you blaming her for the way you feel.
    Quote Originally Posted by cacheman View Post

    I do many times wonder why I didn’t do more until it is too late to make her feel happy.
    That's not your job.
    Quote Originally Posted by cacheman View Post

    However, from what Abe said about happiness, I guess I cannot be held responsible for the way she feels, am I right?

    You don't have the ability, nor is it your responsibility to tend to her vibration. That said, you do have responsibility for the way YOU feel.
    Quote Originally Posted by cacheman View Post
    Even so, unwanted situations have occurred due to her thinking that I should make her happy.

    No, those situations have occurred because you're still blaming your negative emotion on her. As you're able to feel better regardless of how she feels, your experience will change.
    Quote Originally Posted by cacheman View Post
    That's why I still had this nagging and 'blaming myself' feeling that I should have done more. It's not that I didn't try but no matter how hard I try, I always fall short of her expectations. Should I have done more? I know that Abe said that action from non-aligmnent is not recommended but it is really difficult to know sometimes whether my actions are from alignment or non-alignment (meaning just trying to please her without getting into alignment first).
    You really have to learn to make peace with not being able to control how she feels. You're right, you're not going to be able to stand on your head enough to satisfy her. On the other hand, in the same way you're not living up to her standards, all of this is just as much about how she's not living up to YOUR standards. So rather than trying to fix her so that you can observe her being happy and feel better, why not learn to let both of you off the hook and just feel better regardless of what she's doing?
    Quote Originally Posted by cacheman View Post
    5) I just want to be happy like everyone else and I know that she is too. We have put so much into our vortex that it would really be a joyous journey together if we were to be able to align with it.
    That's the core of what you're using to hold yourself back: You don't need her to align with it, the only thing you need is for YOU to align with it. You really can (and need to) leave her out of it.
    Quote Originally Posted by cacheman View Post

    Of course, she didn’t know about Abe and their teachings (really wished she know, though) but somehow on my side, although I am already into Abe’s teachings for at least 5 years, I am still stuck in step 1 most of the time. Somehow, the fear not being able to progress (just like my relationship) is really eating into me. What now for me?
    Again, it comes down to learning to feel better regardless of what she's doing. That can be challenging when you believe that you need her to feel better in order to feel better yourself. Abraham writes about soothing the many false beliefs underpinning that in The Vortex. That would be a good place to start.

  5. #5
    FallenAngel's Avatar
    Join Date
    Feb 2014
    Location
    Long Island, New York
    Posts
    518
    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    why not learn to let both of you off the hook and just feel better regardless of what she's doing?...You don't need her to align with it, the only thing you need is for YOU to align with it. You really can (and need to) leave her out of it.
    There are precious few models of happy divorce so it seems that most people take the obvious and well travelled route of death-defying heartbreak. Divorce does not have to be anguish. I'm going through a divorce and have stayed with the Abraham Work closely. I just want to say that what Marc is suggesting is very possible, even when your spouse is completely (seemingly) uncooperative - AKA, not exhibiting pleasing behavior. Abraham's teachings apply in every situation, even divorce. Letting your wife feel whatever she feels, focusing on your own alignment, will bring you to a harmonious place. It's really that simple.

  6. #6
    I experienced a very contrast-y divorce in 2012. I was somewhat new to the teachings but it helped me navigate through a very challenging time.

    Last January, my boyfriend of 5 years abruptly ended our relationship. It was a complete shock to me and everyone around me. It inspired me to dig deep into the teachings. I distracted myself by joining a new gym, traveling, started a new job, binge watched Abraham YT clips, etc. I avoided talking about the break-ups BOTH times because it just made me sink down the EGS. I got professional counseling both times so I could get more relief. My like got back on track and I was feeling really good. Then, in another huge surprise, my boyfriend came back mid-year in 2016. Did NOT expect that at all. While we are not officially back together, we see each other and I date other men. The time apart helped me build a solid foundation in the teachings which was very valuable. It IS about YOU & YOU and feeling good. ALL is well!

  7. #7
    Hi, guys. Thanks for all your sharing and explanation. I know I am on the right path after reading all your comments about having to be happy regardless of my wife. Am trying to mentally dissociate myself from her and only tend to my vibration. Feeling much better now. Thanks again. You guys are truly wonderful.


  8. #8

    Challenges after challenges

    Hi, guys. This is just an update to my previous post regarding my separation with my wife.


    Since our so called "separation" due to difficulty in having a normal family relationship, many things have happened. Situation is, I am still very much a part of their lives in that I cook dinner most days, will fetch my son back from his tuition in the afternoon and stayed with him at our (or rather my wife's home) till she comes back from work, which most of the time is after 9 pm. Therefore, my 11-year old son is very much attached to me since I am with him most of the time. Initially, she forbade me to come so often but due to her work, she had no choice but to allow me to continue to fetch my son and do whatever a dad do with him. Sometimes, I would still be staying over and even if she comes back early, I would hang around till around 11 pm before going back to my home. I did feel some relief and some contentment as at least there were some 'normalcy' returning.


    As situation would have it, she went to see a psychologist (a child play therapist, which is also very experienced in family issues). This psychologist has also seen my son before when he was not doing well in school. Anyway, this psychologist has warned my wife that my son should not be with me too often, as it would create a situation where when (not if) she gets custody of our son, our son would not want to be with her. Actually, a couple of weeks back, when I was at her place, we went into an argument (I did not remind my wife of my son's exam date until it was too late to revise anything) and ask me to leave the house. While I was in my car, my son came to me, taking some of his clothes and his school bag. I was surprise and I thought that he was asked to leave the house too but it turned out that he decided to come out of the house as he could not take the pressure of her mother scolding him due to him not telling his mother of his exam dates too. To cut the long story short, he preferred to be with me because it is less stressful for him as I do not pressure him so much (due to my understanding of Abe). So he went back with me, after we waited for his mom to let him back into her house but to no avail (as she was too angry with my son as he had decided to leave the house).


    The next day, my wife came to my place and begged him to come back (crying and pleading with him) but he refused to budge, even after I pleaded with him to go back home. He didn't even want to hug her. After a very very difficult persuasion period of time, only then did he decided to follow his mom back. This really broke my heart, observing something so beautiful (my family) that turned into something so terribly out of control. Later on, my wife told me that she believed that my son refused to go back not because he hated her but more of he is scared that I won't be able to go back to the house anymore.


    Now I am faced with the situation of not being able to see my son more than I wanted to. Furthermore, the home that we built together is so familiar to me and seemed to me that I would have to forgo that too. When my wife told me about what the psychologist said, I feel that this psychologist had a point in that it would create more problems for my son if we didn't stop the too regular contact between my son and I. The psychologist even went on to suggest that my son could one day run away (based on her experience with other families she counselled) if he can't be with me, if situations allow him to see me too often. I would not want to do anything that would harm him further than I already did.


    So, now what? Should I just allow all this to happen? Sometimes, I do feel it is really unfair being that I am not the one who wants a separation or divorce and I am doing my very best (of course I have my bad days too) for my family as I know how.


    No, there is no blame in my heart. Just wanted to know what else I can do to feel good for me and more importantly somehow know that my son will be allright in all of these. I know about what Abe say about missing someone and unconditional love but I guess knowing and doing is a totally different thing. Difficult to see any hope in my situation.


    Just like to have your thoughts, advises and input.


    Thanks and sorry for the long post.

  9. #9
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
    Join Date
    Oct 2008
    Posts
    15,099
    Quote Originally Posted by cacheman View Post
    Hi, guys. This is just an update to my previous post regarding my separation with my wife.
    Moderator's note: Since this is an update to your previous thread and since all the replies you attracted in that thread apply to your update, I've merged your new thread into the existing thread, so that our Forum friends can know what's already been suggested to you.

    My question to you is how are you applying the information in the replies that you've already attracted. Because those insights don't really "work" if you don't apply them. You may well be applying them but that's something I'm not hearing in your update. Furthermore, that's what we're discussing here on The ABE Forum. So, catch us up on how you've been applying these teachings to this situation.

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by WellBeing View Post
    Moderator's note: Since this is an update to your previous thread and since all the replies you attracted in that thread apply to your update, I've merged your new thread into the existing thread, so that our Forum friends can know what's already been suggested to you.

    My question to you is how are you applying the information in the replies that you've already attracted. Because those insights don't really "work" if you don't apply them. You may well be applying them but that's something I'm not hearing in your update. Furthermore, that's what we're discussing here on The ABE Forum. So, catch us up on how you've been applying these teachings to this situation.
    Hi, Wellbeing. Well, I do feel much more relief and not so 'lost' when circumstances like the above used to hit me like a ton of bricks. I meditated much more now, are more calm in handling situations regarding this matter. I do feel more in tune with my source and for the first time do believe more that the universe will provide all the necessary components to make this issue a happier ending for everyone involved. As Abe had said many times, do not try to wrestle my problems to the ground, I stopped using actions as a mean to help solve my problems. I am slowly able to let things unfold as it is (whether good or bad) and I have bought myself a nice musical keyboard and really enjoyed playing it every day as it helps ease my mind on the troubles I am having (not unlike mediation). Am just trying to trust the universe to sort this out for me. Guess, the reason I do this post is just to get some feedback to see if any ideas from this forum will help me further.

    Thanks again


Posting Permissions

  • You may not post new threads
  • You may not post replies
  • You may not post attachments
  • You may not edit your posts
  •