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Thread: Rejection, processes, moving up the scale

  1. #1

    Rejection, processes, moving up the scale

    Hi all -

    So as you have all mentioned before, working the actual processes (i.e.: actually picking up a pen and a paper and my AAIIG book) is making me feel better. Here is what I experienced today. Just a) sharing and b) am open to feedback to further refine the processes as I work them.

    My mindset going into this was that I wanted to feel better. I knew where I felt on the emotional scale, I knew that I wanted to feel better, I knew that I had accomplished it before. I decided to start with a 'which thought feels better' exercise.

    Basically, this guy didn't call me after we had gone on two pretty good dates, and i was feeling pretty deflated about it. I won't really get all that more specific about it cause, well, momentum.

    "Dan clearly doesn't really care about me. But he came highly recommended by someone I like and respect. Maybe I'm not as awesome as I think I am."

    I searched for some new thoughts on the subject.

    Dan doesn't care about me (same)
    But he actually got to know me a little (same)
    I guess he really didn't see the real, fun me yet (better)
    I didn't actually like him all that much anyway (better, it's true)
    This other guy I have gone out with seems to like me (same)
    It's possible that Dan has a drug problem (better)
    He literally brought up drugs on our first date (better...I see that this is shifting to blame of others which feels better than Blame of myself)
    Maybe there's nothing wrong with me (better)
    Maybe he has a legit drug problem (better)
    He is also newly out of a serious relationship (better)
    This probably has nothing to do with me (better)
    There are still tons of eligible guys in this city (better)
    I seem to attract many men (better)
    There are for sure some things I can do to improve (worse)
    Overll I'm a pretty great catch (well there's wobble in that)
    I know I want to be with somebody who is into self improvement (better, clarity)
    There really isn't anything wrong with me (better)
    This work is helping me feel better and more in control (better)
    I don't have to have this all figured out right now (better)

    That was pretty much where I could take it to. I found myself, I think, sitting around Optimism. I wanted to get higher up the scale, I wanted to deliberately climb he emotional scale so I tried to do a rampage of appreciation and I don't think that was the right process for me. I could find things I appreciated but there was a lot of wobble in most of them.

    "I love the smell of this air freshener, but it reminds me of not being home at Christmas"
    "I love my free car, but I won't get to keep it forever"
    "I love my health (trying to go more general) but I really want to be thinner"

    etc. So I had a hard time "getting on the wheel" finding something that doesn't wobble. So, I just left that process alone and did a short five minute meditation and then went to the mall.

    I think I'm currently sitting around Optimism or Hopefulness. But hey I'll take it. I think I skipped over a lot of the emotional scale...I went from Insecurity to Discouragement to Blame to Disappointment to Hopeful. Is that kinda everyone's experience?

    Thanks everybody as always.

    Much love, JS

  2. #2
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Good for you!

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    That was pretty much where I could take it to. I found myself, I think, sitting around Optimism. I wanted to get higher up the scale, I wanted to deliberately climb he emotional scale...

    Hadn’t you already done that? IOW, going from--say--Insecurity/.../Unworthiness to Optimism here, isn’t that climbing the Scale? And didn’t you do that deliberately here?

    Now, it’s great to explore and to see what you can do and what’s still in store for you. But the objective here isn’t to get all the way up the Scale and stay there forever more. As I think I’ve said to you before, if that’s what you had really intended, you would have stayed on that cloud with Abraham.

    We often compare this “work” to going to the gym. And it can be fun to push yourself a little at the gym, to see what you can do. It’s the same thing with this “work.” But the keys to my comment about “fun” is “a little” and “to see.” When you “see” that you can't manage “a little” beyond the good “work” you've already done, let it go. Close your notebook. Go to the mall, like you wisely did. Don't try to effort your way up the Scale. That strategy is not effective. It wears you out and leaves you discouraged.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    so I tried to do a rampage of appreciation and I don't think that was the right process for me.

    Good for you. Now, it might seem weird (or even patronizing--it’s NOT) of me to be saying “Good for you” at this bit. But this really is good news. After all, how else are you going to know which Processes work for you and when? This is how we all learn.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    I could find things I appreciated but there was a lot of wobble in most of them.

    "I love the smell of this air freshener, but it reminds me of not being home at Christmas"
    "I love my free car, but I won't get to keep it forever"
    "I love my health (trying to go more general) but I really want to be thinner"

    Etc.
    So, what’s going on here is that you’re learning that you have some momentum that you have been practicing on these various topics.

    Now, in that moment (the one that you were describing to us), that’s not the moment for you to be tackling any of this momentum. After all, your own personal experience and your emotional guidance was showing you what your practiced momentum was doing to the shift that you were able to accomplish.

    So, for future reference, what you could do is start a memorandum, a place-catcher for some of the random pieces of your resistant momentum that you trip over. You can remark to yourself,

    “Hey, this is some of my resistance and I know that it’s my resistance because I don’t feel better as I think past my ‘but’s’. I am noticing that. [These bits are “good” things. Pat yourself on the back. Take a bow. Give yourself some Aber points.] I don’t have to deal with this now, but I think I might like to deal with it eventually. So, I’m just going to jot it down [in a notebook, on your phone, on the palm of your hand--whatever works for you] so I don’t have to keep remembering it and, therefore, practice a momentum that I don’t want.”

    It’s sort of like when you’ve let the housekeeping get away from you and your whole house is pretty much messy. You don’t have to clean it all up all at once. In fact, just the very idea of trying to do that will discourage a lot of people from even approaching or starting any of it.

    But if you do what you can (even if “what you can” is to pick up that sock there) and celebrate what you were able to do and make peace with the fact that this is going to be something that you’ll do in stages as you go, then you’re more likely to find your satisfaction in the progress you are able to make and to continue your progress.

    Before I move on, take another look at your list again for a second. There’s a very interesting (and helpful) linguistic language in your list. In the English language, the word, but, has the unique property of negating everything that goes before it. I use that word, but, as one of my verbal flags. You, too, can use the word, but, as one of your verbal flags. Your list shows you that, when you hear yourself say/think the word, but, at this time, you're likely to go down a path that you don't want.

    So, here's a tip with which you can play: It’s a spin on Abraham’s Pivoting Process. Each morning, before you get out into your day, find a replacement “but” phrase for the day. As with all of this “work,” pick something that is true for you now. You’ll also want it to be so general that it’ll work for all your “but” statements. Some ideas that come to my mind are:

    • ...but I don’t want to go down that road.
    • ...but I don’t have to deal with that now.
    • ...but what’s about to follow is just an old habit of thought.


    Come up with some of your own.

    Pick one phrase for the day. Whenever you hear/feel yourself, heading for a “but,” put your but-phrase-for-the-day in its place. Chances are it’s likely that you’ll have to practice yourself into catching your “but’s.” You can do that. Oh, and change your phrase-for-the-day every day. (Think of your phrase-for-the-day like underwear. You don’t want them to get stale and smelly.)

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    So I had a hard time "getting on the wheel" finding something that doesn't wobble.

    To be fair and more accurate, you “got on the Wheel,” but [pun intended] then you kicked yourself right off.

    That’s all right. I didn’t want to miss an opportunity to give yourself credit for what you were able to accomplish.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    So, I just left that process alone and did a short five minute meditation and then went to the mall.

    Good for you, for paying attention to and working with your emotional guidance system.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    I think I'm currently sitting around Optimism or Hopefulness.

    The nice thing about the “Which Thought Feels Better?” Game is that you don’t need to identify where you are on the Scale, which can be a piece that trips a number of our Forum friends up. So, let go of that piece.

    You have the right idea, which you shared with us at the start of your OP: You want (and wanted) to feel better. (Good for you.) So, do you feel better? (I’m going to answer that for you because it sounds to me like you were able to do so.) So, you accomplished--deliberately--what you had set out to do. That’s a good thing, isn’t it? Finding a precise label for your “better” starts to get into the realm of score-taking, which can backfire on you pretty quickly.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    But hey I'll take it.

    Good for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    I think I skipped over a lot of the emotional scale...I went from Insecurity to Discouragement to Blame to Disappointment to Hopeful. Is that kinda everyone's experience?

    When a baby is first learning how to walk--have you seen this?--do they just haul themselves upright from crawling and make a straight, unfaltering, direct line to their destination? Or do they sort of intend to go forward and sort of lumber in a general direction? Do they occasionally drift away from their intended general direction and then re-orient themselves? Do they sometimes even stumble and have to pick themselves up and resume from where they are?

    This is no different. It’s how you learned every skill that you now know.

  3. #3
    Ah, thank you for all of this perspective. Changing the words after “but” has already been interesting. I will for sure be practicing that moving forward. But “I don’t have to figure this out right now” “I don’t have to worry about this right now” “I can think about this later, today I’m off the hook” “everything is working out for me right now”...those are all big.

    Interesting thing is what feels best about all of this, is really feeling how I shifted my energy and having hope that this is something I can do again. That feeling of powerlessness over how I feel is really sucky, and believing that I have the complete control over how I feel by the way I focus my thoughts is a big relief. A huge relief.

    I will be posting more things as I continue practicing the teachings. Thanks as always.

  4. #4
    [QUOTEI will be posting more things as I continue practicing the teachings. Thanks as always.[/QUOTE]

    I look forwards to reading js. Cheering you on .:wave.




  5. #5
    I'm feeling pretty good right now. Maybe I don't really have to figure this all out right now. What if this really is supposed to be easy? Like, as easy as possible? The easier the better? What if all amazing things came to me the less I struggled? Maybe I don't have to get so analytical about all of this. Sure, there's still some wobble when I think about certain subjects, but there's really no reason that I need to focus any attention on those right now. If all I can really do is focus my attention, I'm going to decide not go to down that road right now and focus on something that I really like, instead. Right now I can focus on how much I like my Christmas lights, I like how they shine through the blind and how they reflect off the window back inside the house and how they seem to twinkle when I walk by them. I love when I walk into my apartment at night and they're on, sparkling, inviting me in. I love that I can leave them on all the time and that they are so low maintenance, I am really looking forward to seeing how my new condo looks once all the cupboards are taken out and the leftover is patched up, I hope it makes my new place feel more like home (but it doesn't feel like home right now - let's table this for later, lots of wobble)...can't continue on this topic without more wobble...

    Let's try to find some better feeling thoughts:

    My new place doesn't feel like home
    I know it will feel better once the contractor is done but he is taking forever (same)
    He is going to work through the weekend so hopefully it's done next week (same)
    Tomorrow I can clean up, cleaning up always makes me feel better (same)
    My cat is adorable but she's going to die one day (lol worse)
    It's probably quite normal to have an adjustment period with a new home (slightly better)
    I had to put work into my previous homes before they felt good, too (slightly better)
    I love how it is so quiet right now (same)
    I love my stone fireplace (same)
    Woudn't it be nice if more work got done tomorrow than I expected (slightly better)
    It will feel so good to get the clutter out (meh)
    I know this place is going to feel like a great home for me (off in the bushes)
    I love my gigantic, organized closet, it is so neat I've never experienced anything like it (meh)
    I really have a spectacular view (meh)
    Seriously my contractor is taking forever why can't he be better (same...guess this is where my true vibration lies right now)
    I'm looking forward to having this over and decorating (meh)
    I can feel what it would be like to have guests in my home, like Tanya and Dana and Sophia and Ashley, and maybe Joe or maybe Jason or Mark or the new amazing boyfriend I'm going to meet (woah, much better). It will feel so nice to invite my friends into my world and connect with them and connect them to each other and to bring new people into my world (much better). I love being the center spoke of bringing people together (some wobble here cause they don't always like each other). This is what the winter in Chicago is about, it's about nesting and building a home and creating an environment and this summer is going to be so fun! Maybe Neal can come over and my sister and my amazing new boyfriend and now I'm really excited for what's to come, I really love the neighborhood in which I live, it is so ripe with opportunities and people to meet and to connect and (I'm getting older, yikes it has lots of wobble I will table this) I'm so proud of myself for buying this place I will own it forever and now I feel better enough that's I can go eat something. I will continue to focus on how nice it will feel to invite people into my home, that feeling of connection, warmth, ease, connection, love, comfort...I can bask in that feeling.

    That is all for now.

    Some of my thoughts reeeally have quite a bit of wobble and I'm trying not to focus on them. It's pretty big wobble but maybe tomorrow morning I'll try doing a focus wheel. I don't have to think about any of that tonight. The "I"m getting older" thing is bothering me cause my birthday just passed, but I will do a focus wheel tomorrow.

    As always, feedback is appreciated.

  6. #6
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    As always, feedback is appreciated.

    Well, since you asked….

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    I'm feeling pretty good right now. Maybe I don't really have to figure this all out right now. What if this really is supposed to be easy? Like, as easy as possible? The easier the better? What if all amazing things came to me the less I struggled? Maybe I don't have to get so analytical about all of this. Sure, there's still some wobble when I think about certain subjects, but there's really no reason that I need to focus any attention on those right now. If all I can really do is focus my attention, I'm going to decide not go to down that road right now and focus on something that I really like, instead. Right now I can focus on how much I like my Christmas lights, I like how they shine through the blind and how they reflect off the window back inside the house and how they seem to twinkle when I walk by them. I love when I walk into my apartment at night and they're on, sparkling, inviting me in. I love that I can leave them on all the time and that they are so low maintenance, I am really looking forward to seeing how my new condo looks once all the cupboards are taken out and the leftover is patched up, I hope it makes my new place feel more like home (but it doesn't feel like home right now - let's table this for later, lots of wobble)...can't continue on this topic without more wobble...

    So, you gave it a shot, and you were really doing good at it--weren’t you?--until you edged towards one of your “issues.” That's all right, because you learned that this issue has a lot of momentum around it. That, too, is all right because you demonstrated to yourself the power of the LoA. It's kind of like those Saturday morning cartoons where there's a whirlpool and, if the character gets too close to the whirlpool, the whirlpool will suck them in. That's what happened here.

    So, now you know that if you're going to take this approach (and it's a good approach) you'll want to head in the opposite direction when you notice you're heading towards one of your issues.

    For example, as I read your post, you started to head towards the issue of your home when you started to talk about “my” Christmas lights. (Although if you were paying attention to how you feel before you were this post, I'd guess that you already were approaching this whirlpool before you even started writing this post.) That's when your emotional guidance system would first have been sounding the alarms, in your post. So, at those alarms, you could ask yourself “Do I only like my Christmas lights? Or do I like other Christmas lights?” Those other Christmas lights wouldn't be so connected to your contractor and your home. Those other Christmas lights might take you to thinking about the big tree in the town square or the decorations in the shops or the music being played or… or… or…. All of which would feel better than your contractor and your house, you see? Then you would have stayed true to your original intentions (find fun things to focus on that weren't your issues) without stumbling onto your issues.

    Let's continue….

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    I know it will feel better once the contractor is done BUT [Formatting mine--WB.] he is taking forever (same)

    I spy with my little eye a great big BUT that’s going to take a dump all over your vibration.

    I’m not pointing that to go over previously-covered ground (BUT you could pay a little closer attention to this habit of yours). I want to talk about this differently here. Remember how we talked about “but” as being a conjunction? It’s a word that joins to ideas/vibrations together. So, let’s perform a phrase-ctomy. After the surgery, we get:
    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    I know it will feel better once the contractor is done

    and
    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    he is taking forever (same)


    So, let me ask you: Does that first idea feel the “same” as “My new place doesn't feel like home”? No, of course, it doesn’t.

    So, what’s happening is that you ARE reaching for and ARE actually finding ideas which feel better (Yay, you!) BUT then you go crapping on your better-feeling ideas/thoughts. (I’m being deliberately graphic in hopes of driving this idea home for you.) You do this elsewhere your post as well. That’s all right. We might as well take advantage of it.

    So, I suggest that you copy your entire post, paste it into a fresh reply and simply highlight (you can use the bold tool, nothing fancy) where you are taking your dumps. And be vigilant because you’re not always using the obvious word “but.”

    The point I’m now making here is this habit of yours is muddying your emotional guidance. The thought, “I know it will feel better once the contractor is done” (or “I’m looking forward to enjoying the completed project”--gets the contractor off your mind), does feel better than your starting statement. But because you then shift your attention back to the contractor, when you check in with your guidance system, you don’t recognize the relief that you momentarily had created for yourself.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    He is going to work through the weekend...

    What a lovely springboard you’ve given yourself here! Want to take this ball and run with it some? Anything “wanted” in there for you to revel in?

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    Tomorrow I can clean up, cleaning up always makes me feel better (same)

    Really? (same)? The idea of this thing that you can do, that you have the opportunity to do and that “always makes you feel better” feels “(same)” as this thing that's out of your control, that you don't want and that you wish were over already <footstamp>?

    Something's not adding up there.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    I love my gigantic, organized closet, it is so neat I've never experienced anything like it (meh)

    This is something that you've done in a few places in your post. This is the clearest example of it, so I'm going to talk about this here.

    “love” and “meh” are really two different vibrations. So, you're either using words that you don't mean (which violates the first of my two litmus test: “thoughts which seem true to you.” There's no pretending in this material.) or you're writing words whilst you're focusing somewhere else. IOW, you're writing the words (in your notebook or on the Forum) whilst you're really focusing on the upheaval of construction and your contractor’s failings. Your vibration isn't shifting because you're not truly shifting your focus.

    When you're not really shifting your focus, as you had intended, then it's best to get off this subject altogether. This is when we recommend that our Forum friends think of things like cute puppies, rainbows, fluffy bunnies, bubbles, etc. Any of these subjects have to feel better than anything remotely associated with your dysfunctional contractor.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    I really have a spectacular view (meh)

    What's so “spectacular” about it?

    If it's so “spectacular,” it can't be “meh”--unless your strategy is to punish the contractor by making yourself miserable and shoving aside your opportunities for enjoyment. If that's your strategy, have you noticed that the only you're making miserable is yourself? So, you might want to rethink your strategy here.

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    ...or the new amazing boyfriend I'm going to meet (woah, much better).

    So, if I haven’t yet rained all over your parade here, did you ask yourself why this particular thought feels so much better (certainly better than your “spectacular” view which you already have) to you?

    Typically, when I hear a comment like this, it’s because the commenter has this idea that the boyfriend will ride in on a steed like some knight in shining armor and solve all your troubles. Sweetie, this is a boyfriend, not the frickin' genie from Aladdin. No man--no person--has that ability, even if they wanted to. This is where I’m going to recommend that you haul out your copy of The Vortex and give it a thorough and careful (re-)read.

    The “person” that IS already there and has the ability to solve all your troubles is your IB. So, if that thought felt so much better for the reasons that I’m saying, then Abe would tell you that “you’re looking for love in all the wrong places.”

    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    Some of my thoughts reeeally have quite a bit of wobble and I'm trying not to focus on them.

    It’s fine that you have your wobbles. That’s your emotional guidance working for you. Part of what you’re learning here is that you can’t really “not...focus on them.” That defies the LoA. So, you’ll want to focus on something else instead, which you sort of were able to do with your rampage towards the end.

    And don’t worry, I won’t make a habit of chiming in on all your posts in your “work” thread.


  7. #7
    Wellbeing, I'm so upset. I just spent a solid 40 minutes typing out a solid response with quotes and everything, and then when I posted it came back and said I wsn't logged in and everything got deleted. I'm so upset. This is the second time I've crafted something really thoughtful as a reply to one of your always thoughtful replies, and it didn't go through. Also, I'm pissed. WTF??? I worked hard on that. It's kind of irritating to quote things, since I type on my ipad, and now it's 11pm and I cannot go back and rewrite everything. But please, for what it is worth, don't stop replying to my posts! Your words are so helpful, and I take them very seriously. I'll have to write something else tomorrow, regarding the 'but' and crapping all over everything.

    Essentially I'm just frustrated at most things, and am doing a lot of sabotage in the form of 'but'. I do legitimately find good things, but then I always find a negative side to them. Is the point to find things that DONT have a negative side to them? Like, I really like that I'm not allergic to dogs and cats. There's really no 'but' to be said about that. Or, I really like that I don't have a migraine right now. Or, i really like that food can be delivered right to my door. I really like that I don't have any food allergies. But yeah when I'm kinda in more of an upstream mood, I find BUTs in everything!

    Alternatively, I can do surgery on the sentence, like you said. I really like this watermelon flavored sparkling water from Whole Foods, but what's to follow is just a negative thought spiral. I like that my body functions pretty well but what's about to follow is just a deceptive message from my brain that I am going to ignore right now. I like that my nails are growing but the next thought is totally unhelpful and best ignored. Right? I'm supposed to do the best I can to IGNORE the negative thing that comes up after.

    Is there one way that's better? To focus on the few things that feel legitimately good without wobble, or to surgery the but statement? Really, it FEELS like I can get some more positive momentum with the surgery on the but statement. It feels somewhat more empowering to see that I CAN ignore the unhelpful, old wired message. It feels good to label the negative but statement as deceptive old thought and let it go. I think I get more momentum out of that then in the pretty vague things without wobble. I guess both are better than nothing.

    About the boyfriend, yeah I want a guy to swoop in and save me. But if the thought of that makes me feel better/hopeful, how can that be bad? The prospect of a new job makes me feel better too, but a new job also won't save me, right? Do you kind of know what I mean?

    Also, I think that PMS makes this whole process more difficult. Or, rather, it seems to introduce more contrast, for me, anyway! Maybe one day I will look forward to having these moments of contrast! Ha.

    JS

  8. #8
    And, actually, there was a period of time where I was feeling pretty consistently good. I think what 'happened' was that I started listening to the negative thoughts again. I *think* what might be tripping me up the most is paying attention to those thoughts and then searching for CONDITIONS to soothe them. LIke, literally just IGNORE and PAY NO ATTENTION TO any negative thought. Cause as you pointed out, I really CAN find the positive ones.

    Oh yes! I'm going to choose to IGNORE any thought that doesn't make me feel good because any attention I pay to negative thoughts just brings me more of the same! I really can just blatantly, blindly, let negative resistant thoughts go away becuase they're so useless to me.

    ..."but that's a really unhelpful thought that I don't need to entertain"
    ..."but that's a deceptive brain message"
    ..."but that's a thought that has never helped anyone, ever"
    ..."but let's see what happens if I don't go down that road, and take this much prettier, scenic fork in the road instead. I already know what's down there and it pretty much sucks."
    ..."but that's a thought that will keep me from living my best life"
    ..."but that's the kind of thought that made me miserable/depressed to begin with so lets try something new"
    ..."but that thought certainly isn't aligned with my inner being, so, it's just a worthless detour. Ignore!"

    Now I'm feeling excited
    Last edited by jakeysnakey; 12-11-2017 at 01:46 AM. Reason: general excitement

  9. #9
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
    Wellbeing, I'm so upset. I just spent a solid 40 minutes typing out a solid response with quotes and everything, and then when I posted it came back and said I wsn't logged in and everything got deleted.
    You might be interested in this:
    I got disconnected before I could submit my post! How did that happen?

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by WellBeing View Post
    Ohhh that makes total sense. Thank you!!!! Looking forward to that never happening again lol

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