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Thread: Partner using Drugs

  1. #1

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    Partner using Drugs

    Hi Abers


    Long story short, my relationship went from big contrast, but after it teaching me LOA and finding Abe, I changed and my relationship and my partner became like a dream come true. Shows the power of LOA.

    Due to my lazy focusing recently, I focused too much on Unwanted and for almost a year, he's been really OOTV. And so now there's more contrast again, and despite having some success in distracting myself, I'm struggling to get back to where I was.

    Big issue is drugs. For me. I have resistance about them, I never understood why people use them.
    I also don't drink alcohol anymore, it doesn't resonate with me any longer. I don't use any substances.
    My partner RARELY ever drank while we've been together, and only used drugs before he dated me 5 years ago.
    All of a sudden this year, he wants to get drunk more often and is now buying and using drugs on occasion. He also started smoking cigarettes more often.

    I know that this means he is trying to soothe himself in maybe the only way he knows how.
    But for me, this is causing me distress.
    And I know it is his choice, has nothing to do with me and I need to practice feeling good anyway.
    But it's so hard on this topic, every time the topic of drugs comes up, I feel so much negative emotion, I really don't know what to do in the moment. Whenever he tells me he's going to use some, I don't know how to feel better.
    I don't know how to separate myself from his choices. I feel they are wrong choices, but I also know that's none of my business and maybe it is the path of least resistance for him right now.

    I've been looking up Abe threads to soothe myself, but I can't really seem to feel better about this subject.
    I need to though, because now it is in my experience and I don't want to feel bad anymore. I just want to not care, but I do.

    And I keep saying, I'm a match to this, I must be. And if I change my vibration, unwanted can't stay with me. But I find it so hard to distract from this topic when it comes up. Help!

  2. #2
    Super Kitty Marc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    Big issue is drugs. For me. I have resistance about them, I never understood why people use them.
    Usually it's because they want to feel better. That's something you can relate to, is it not?
    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    I know that this means he is trying to soothe himself in maybe the only way he knows how.
    But for me, this is causing me distress.
    And can you also see that the more you object vibrationally, the more he tries to distract himself from your vibrational declaring that he's inappropriate.
    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    And I know it is his choice, has nothing to do with me and I need to practice feeling good anyway.
    If it's difficult to practice feeling "good," it's usually better to give up and just try to feel BETTER.
    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    But it's so hard on this topic, every time the topic of drugs comes up, I feel so much negative emotion, I really don't know what to do in the moment.
    You don't really have any choice because by the time the topic comes up, you've already practiced the momentum. It's like calling ahead to a restaurant and ordering something you don't like, and then wondering what to do when you pick up your order and discover that it's this dish you don't like. At that point, there's not a lot you can do. The time to make a change is when you're calling in your order.
    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    Whenever he tells me he's going to use some, I don't know how to feel better.
    Have a glass of wine and relax! (Joking!) As I've explained, if you wait until the issue comes up, it's already got a lot of momentum and you get swept away with that. The key is to do work to feel better about all of this after you've taken a nap, meditated or found some other way to find your footing. Then, from your more stable place, you have the ability to work on this when you don't have a lot of negative momentum staring you in the face.
    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    I don't know how to separate myself from his choices. I feel they are wrong choices, but I also know that's none of my business and maybe it is the path of least resistance for him right now.
    That's just it -- you're not going to feel better as long as you insist that he's making "wrong" choices. They may be choices that you don't agree with or wouldn't make for yourself, but why do you get to decide that they're the "wrong" choices? Are you saying that you'd prefer him to be quiet and writhe around in discomfort regardless of his desire to feel better for your sake?

    Here's another perspective -- if you'll step back and look back at one of your previous threads on relationship, this is essentially the same issue -- It's another instance of you saying, "Here's what's wrong with my partner..." Vibrationally speaking, there's not a whole lot of difference in saying, "I don't like that my partner only wants to play basketball instead of spending time with me," and "I don't like that my partner is trying to feel better by doing drugs." Now that's not criticism, it's simply an observation that this same basic issue has come up. A logical question might be, how did you find ways to feel better about that other issue? Assuming that you were able to make peace with that, you can apply what you did there to this situation.

  3. #3

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    Marc,
    I agree with everything you say. And I keep thinking, I don't want to be someone who takes away someone else's means to feeling good/relief.
    He's been more stressed out this year, and even though he won't tell me, I know he feels less good than he used to. So I know he desires soothing more now than before.

    I love that you mentioned when I object vibrationally, he distracts himself more. That made a lot of sense.
    I'm a bit disappointed in myself, I keep telling the same story and I can't seem to let it go, and then i get a whole lot of unwanted in my experience. He also has been colder, distant etc. And really it's all my doing, and I should know better because I've been there before. This time it all just seems harder and messier.

    And my past threads, I know, I already realised I am still telling the same stories and that is frustrating! I think I just gave up and let go for the 'basketball' thing, I don't remember doing anything in particular. I've had a much harder time just 'letting go' or giving up on issues lately. I will try to work on things Before the issue is brought up though. I need to make it not such a huge issue in my mind.

    Also, in relation to my partner treating me colder etc, he says he doesn't know why.
    Is that because he is merely responding to my vibration? Lol

  4. #4
    lemon-up's Avatar
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    since we are all here for a reason that is unkown to another, it's better to keep the focus on your life and trajectory.

    do what ever you must to create and live the life that you want...... we can't live for another and they can't live for us.

    the good thing is that OUR desire for us is the most important focus...detaching with love from what looks like someone 'out of control' might be the path of least resistance...

    also ,book of positive attributes
    appreciate what you can
    get away from him for awhile when the struggle feels too strong
    I like to remind myself that this is something this person has to go thru and I can't feel bad enough to make it better.
    when I stop struggling, then I can be a match to the next logical step

    read abe [ alanon also has some good suggestions ] on how to detach with love while still taking care of you and your feelings and thots.




    best wishes. lemon

  5. #5
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    But for me, this is causing me distress.

    Let's clarify this a little and you'll see your way forward.

    It's not his using drugs (or his drinking or his smoking) that's causing your distress. It's your thoughts about his using drugs (or his drinking or his smoking) which are causing you distress. This is good news because you know that you can't change what he does (otherwise, you'd be doing that) and if it was what he was doing that was causing your distress, then you'd be screwed.

    But you CAN change your thoughts about what's he's doing. You CAN distract yourself from what he's doing. You CAN focus yourself onto topics which are easy for you to feel "good" about. You CAN meditate (so that you've quieted your mind and aren't thinking about anything, including what he is or has been doing). Then you would be creating less distress for yourself.

    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    And I know it is his choice, has nothing to do with me and I need to practice feeling good anyway.

    You are correct.

    But when you focus upon it and think thoughts about it, then you make it part of your vibrational mix. What you're telling us here is that, so far, the way that you've been thinking about it and making it part of your vibrational mix is different from the way that your IB is thinking about it and making it part of Its vibrational mix.

    Above you told us,
    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    I know that this means he is trying to soothe himself in maybe the only way he knows how.

    This is what you've heard Abraham (or someone here on the Forum) say. And this is the opinion of your IB, as well.

    But what you (in your physical body) currently Believe is something very different. These two points (what you, in your physical body, currently Believe and the Knowing of your IB) define your vibrational gap on this topic. What you (in your physical body) currently Believe is your "Phoenix" on this topic and what your IB currently Knows is your San Diego. Your "job" is to take your vibrational journey, starting from where you currently are vibrationally, using your emotional guidance system, reaching for thoughts which still seem true to you yet which feel better than what you currently Believe. "I know that this means he is trying to soothe himself in maybe the only way he knows how" might sort of sound true to you but you currently dismiss it with your thoughts about how this is "wrong", "bad", whatever. Your IB is never going to join you in your thoughts condemning him (or what he's doing) as "wrong", "bad", whatever, because your IB Knows that he cannot get it wrong.

    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    But it's so hard on this topic, every time the topic of drugs comes up, I feel so much negative emotion, I really don't know what to do in the moment.

    "In the moment" there's not a lot that you can do, because that "moment" is your manifestation. IOW, you've been practicing your vibration, "getting ready to be ready" to throw yourself out of the airplane when you have your manifestation, so that when you have your manifested "moment," there's not much that you can do about that "moment."

    That's why Abraham is playful with us when they tell us, "Hang on; it'll be over soon." IOW, there's not much, "in the moment," that you can do vibrationally (and even less, in terms of action). You can, "in the moment," meditate or take a nap or focus on something else, something that's easy for you to feel "good" about, or shift your focus into a very general stance.

    Abraham are right. That "moment" will pass and your momentum WILL subside, if you don't continue to add to it. When it does subside and you're vibrationally stable, that's when you can restart a different, more wanted momentum about whatever he chooses to do (even if it's not something that you would choose to do for yourself), so that you can have a different manifestation the next time around.

    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    Whenever he tells me he's going to use some, I don't know how to feel better.

    Again, whenever you're manifesting him telling you that he's going to use some, there's been a whole lot of vibration (and, therefore, momentum) leading up to and culminating in that moment. That's not the time to be doing your "work."

    But you can let your momentum subsides and do your "work" to feel better about his choices and his style of feeling better for the next conversation that you two will have.

    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    I don't know how to separate myself from his choices.

    Sure you do. That's an inaccurate story of disempowerment that you tell yourself. If you think about it, you DO know how to "separate yourself" from his choices in clothing or his choices in leaving the toilet seat up or his preference for chocolate when you prefer vanilla, etc. There are many things that he chooses to do differently than you do that you "separate yourself" from. It's simply your story that "this is different" that makes "this...different."

    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    I feel they are wrong choices,...

    You're certainly free to have your opinion. But how do you feel as you have your opinion? That's the important question for us Abers because how we feel as we have our opinion tells us about the relationship between our opinion and the opinion of our IB in that same moment about that same topic. Your IB is never going to join you in your negative judgement of his choices and your IB will never join you in your focus on your unwanted. As a result, you distress yourself. Your distress is letting you know that there are other, better-feeling ways to focus. Once you understand that indicator, you'll want to feel your way towards those other, better-feeling ways to focus. As I said above, you'll have an easier time of that, when you haven't just manifested your rendezvous with his conversation or his action of doing that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    ...but I also know that's none of my business and maybe it is the path of least resistance for him right now.

    These are accurate statements, from the perspective of Abraham and of your IB. However, you (in your physical body) have a very different opinion about this. So, when you try to do your quantum leap from what you currently Believe about all of this to these accurate opinions of Abraham and of your IB, it doesn’t stick. You come crashing down to the ground floor of Marc’s tall building, to what you currently Believe. Take the stairs. Take your vibrational journey. Don’t try to leap from the ground floor to the very top floor of Marc’s tall building. The LoA won’t let you do that vibrationally, just like gravity won’t let you do that with a tall building.
    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    I've been looking up Abe threads to soothe myself, but I can't really seem to feel better about this subject.

    What you’ve been learning is that parroting Abraham’s (or our) sound bites--no matter how vibrationally accurate those sound bites might be--don’t do a lot to shift your vibration. But you have vibrational tools and techniques and knowledge to start with the thoughts that you are currently thinking about all of this. And you have an emotional guidance system. You can use that emotional guidance system to sift and sort through the thoughts that you are already thinking about all of this and give more air-time to your thoughts which already feel better. The LoA will respond to that vibrational shift. And you will feel better and you will feel better, independent of what he’s choosing or doing, because how you are feeling wasn’t about what he was choosing or doing. How you are feeling is ONLY ever about your own alignment.

    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    I need to though, because now it is in my experience and I don't want to feel bad anymore. I just want to not care, but I do.

    So, rather than caring about what he’s doing, start caring about what you’re thinking and feeling. You CAN do that. Again, it’ll be easier for you to do (at least, at first) when he’s not in front of you choosing to do something you don’t want.

    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    And I keep saying, I'm a match to this, I must be.

    How do you feel as you think this thought?

    Abraham tell the story of how every subject is really two subjects, like a stick with two ends. This thought is a stick with two ends. How you feel as you think this thought tells you whether this thoughts, as you’re thinking it, is a thought of Blame or self-condemnation for you or a thought of empowerment for you. Which is it?

    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    And if I change my vibration, unwanted can't stay with me.

    I would say that differently, because EVERY particle of the universe is a mixture of wanted (by you) and unwanted (by you) aspects. That’s the foundational principle of Contrast as Abraham teach us. So, even if you were to stay 100% ITV (impossible for any of us physical humans), EVERY thing in our experience would still have unwanted (by our own definitions) aspects to them.

    But you CAN change your vibration so that you’re not paying attention to those unwanted aspects of EVERY thing (and EVERY one) around you. It’s like Abraham’s story of the buffet. In a really good buffet, there’s such a wonderful variety of offerings. Amongst those offerings there might be that yucky beet dish which you thoroughly loathe. But rather than focusing on that yucky beet dish to the extent that it colors your whole buffet experience to the extent that you MUST leave that buffet, you shift your attention to and you put the food you actually enjoy on your plate so that you can continue to enjoy your experience.


    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    But I find it so hard to distract from this topic when it comes up.

    By now, you’ll have come to an understanding that “when it comes up,” you’re out of the airplane without a parachute. That’s not the time to be doing your “work.” That’s the time to remind yourself that you’re caught up in your momentum and that your momentum WILL peter out, if you let it. When it does peter out, you can then do your “work” to close your vibrational gap between where you are and the vibration of your IB on this topic. You can close that vibrational gap by finding thoughts which still seem true to you (right now) yet which feel better to you.

  6. #6
    lemon-up's Avatar
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    Originally Posted by Foofighters And I keep saying, I'm a match to this, I must be.
    How do you feel as you think this thought?

    Abraham tell the story of how every subject is really two subjects, like a stick with two ends. This thought is a stick with two ends. How you feel as you think this thought tells you whether this thoughts, as you’re thinking it, is a thought of Blame or self-condemnation for you or a thought of empowerment for you. Which is it?
    yes, for me the match to something is an opportunity to fine tune my feelings and thots about myself and these subjects.

    rather than to start thinking mean thots I can turn towards a more soothing , compassionate dialog with myself [my self-talk]. For me, this is what will eventually change my vibrational match ups.

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    Thanks so much Wellbeing and Lemon-up.

    WellBeing, I love how you said it's not about his actions, but what I think about the action. And also that it's no different than a yucky dish in a buffet. Playing it down like that makes me feel So much better.

    My most troubling thought is even if I practice feeling better and I soothe myself greatly... What if it stays in my experience? I just don't really want that to be part of my future, I don't want that to something that is ongoing for a long time. That makes me feel really bad. I want to have a wonderfully satisfying experience and relationship with someone. And this is not a match to that.
    So I guess that's where I should start soothing myself from? Cause all my thoughts go back to that one.
    I never even knew anyone who used drugs, I never thought it would be part of my experience with someone up-close.

    So, if I was starting to care less about what he's doing, and care more about how I feel/think... I would say that thought above doesn't serve me too well. I'm maybe making a bigger deal about this than is necessary. This situation sucks, but I've had similar experiences, some much worse, and I got through those just fine. Things even improved more than I imagined, after that contrast. Something could serve me in all this too maybe. Maybe if I got into alignment, I could see what my IB sees. Maybe I would see it's not so bad, and I'll be just fine. We could be just fine. Things have gotten better before, things always get better when I'm ITV. I know for a fact that I have been able to feel phenomenal, even with this unwanted still present. I have shown myself that so many times. All things can work out for me. ITV I don't feel bad, about this or anything. I feel really good.

    I CAN do this, I Can feel better, I Can be soothed

    And I will do my best to practice, practice, practice, for my own sake.

  8. #8
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    My most troubling thought is even if I practice feeling better and I soothe myself greatly... What if it stays in my experience?
    What part of what you know about these teachings support this thought?

    If you know (notice the lower case there) about these teachings, which say that your experience is an exact match to the vibration that you're offering. If you're truly feeling better (not just offering words which look or sound better), which is your indicator that you're effectively shifting your vibration towards what you want, then your experience has to shift to exactly match the vibration that you're offering. Or does your logic tell you something different?

    IOW, you can think whatever thoughts you want about this subject. You have that freedom. Abraham (and we) recommend that you think thoughts which feel better to you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    I just don't really want that to be part of my future, I don't want that to something that is ongoing for a long time.
    Fair enough. You get to come to that personal preference and you come to all of your personal preferences as a result of what you've lived. We all do. In fact, that's the only way that any of us can come to our own personal preferences. You can't know you prefer chocolate to vanilla until you have personally experienced both chocolate and vanilla. That's the function (and the true definition) of Contrast.

    If you have put into your Vortex a partner who shares similar attitudes about substances as you, then as you shift your vibration towards feeling better (AKA towards what you want and towards your Vortex), then you will either rendezvous with this one when he shares your attitudes about substances or this one will vibrate out of your experience and you will manifest a partner who shares similar attitudes about substances as you.

    But there's a trap in that because you are a unique perspective. That means that there is no one in all of human history who shares all of your attitudes. That's what "unique" means. There is no other person who will have your perspective on all things. So, if you're insisting on anyone sharing all of your attitudes and perspectives so that you can simply observe them and have your pleasing experience, that's not possible.

    Now, almost everyone on this planet conducts their relationships with that attitude and you can see how that doesn't really work for anyone. Then, people come to Abraham (or to us) and ask us "Should I stay? Or should I go?" Abraham point out that the "person" whose agreement they (and you) really want is their IB. If they (or you) are depending on the agreement from their partners, then they're left with 3 basic strategies:

    • Tolerate an largely-unwanted situation
    • Attempt to coerce the other to jump through their hoops
    • Leave to find a replacement


    None of those strategies work for very long. In fact, the last option leads Abraham to tease us, "Well, eventually you'll go through every one in your town and then the next town over and then.... Soon, we won't know where to send you."

    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    That makes me feel really bad. I want to have a wonderfully satisfying experience and relationship with someone.
    Our satisfying experiences are satisfying ONLY because of our alignment with our own IBs. You can use your someone as your excuse to hold yourself out of your own alignment with your IB, thereby depriving yourself of the satisfying experience that's on offer to you right now. You have that freedom. But since you want to have a satisfying experience, you'll want to tend to your own alignment with your own IB, which is what produces your satisfying experiences. You can do that right now, independent of what he (or someone) chooses to say/do/be.

    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    And this is not a match to that.
    Perhaps.

    I say "perhaps," because there may be times when he chooses not to take his substances. (It sounds like that from your OP.) It's still this same relationship. If there are times when he chooses not to take his substances, then this same relationship perhaps might be a match to what you've put in your Vortex.

    But, again, the issue isn't whether he does or doesn't take his substances, because you have no power over that and because that's not what's distressing you. Your distress is your own alignment.

    Quote Originally Posted by Foofighters View Post
    So I guess that's where I should start soothing myself from?
    I personally like to start my journeys (vibrational and otherwise) from where I am. In the case of this "work," that means all the thoughts that I'm currently thinking and Believing right now about this topic. Then I start soothing all of those thoughts.

  9. #9
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    Quote Originally Posted by WellBeing View Post


    In fact, that's the only way that any of us can come to our own personal preferences. You can't know you prefer chocolate to vanilla until you have personally experienced both chocolate and vanilla. That's the function (and the true definition) of Contrast.
    Surely, you mean our accumulated preferences gathered over many lifetimes? Because in this life, for example, I personally have never eaten a steak, yet still I know I prefer vegetables. A friend of mine has never had a man, still she knows she is into women. Do we have to know drugs to decide we do prefer not to use them?

    Quote Originally Posted by WellBeing View Post
    But there's a trap in that because you are a unique perspective. That means that there is no one in all of human history who shares all of your attitudes. That's what "unique" means. There is no other person who will have your perspective on all things. So, if you're insisting on anyone sharing all of your attitudes and perspectives so that you can simply observe them and have your pleasing experience, that's not possible.
    Can we not be, do and have all we desire? I hear you, because being in alignment means letting go of all judgement and wanting another person to be as we want them to, but according to the teachings it can be possible, can't it? I am asking for curiosities sake.

  10. #10
    Super Kitty Marc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Anjii View Post
    Can we not be, do and have all we desire?

    If you're a match to what you want, sure. Can you say that you don't like something and make it go away? No.
    Quote Originally Posted by Anjii View Post
    I hear you, because being in alignment means letting go of all judgement and wanting another person to be as we want them to, but according to the teachings it can be possible, can't it? I am asking for curiosities sake.
    Can you focus only on what you want and be a match that? Sure. Can you let go of your resistance to something unwanted and in your absence of resistance be a match to what you want? Absolutely. The key is that you're finding your alignment first, and in finding your alignment you're a match to what's in your Vortex. If it's really the case that you simply cannot feel good if conditions are not a particular way, you're in a real pickle. It's simply not possible to focus on what you do not want, and from your place of resistance be a match to what you DO want. There's no exclusion in a universe based on attraction.

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