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Thread: How to handle a partner who is apparently not sane

  1. #1
    Eostre's Avatar
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    How to handle a partner who is apparently not sane

    Ok..so this is pretty personal. I recently allowed my ex to come back to live with me. We have both been trying to implement Abe's teachings and seemed to be doing OK with them, but apparently I was being somewhat mislead since we were only in contact closely a couple of times a week. My ex has been diagnosed as bipolar and he's also Type 1 diabetic for years. Over the last year while we were separated we both discovered Abe's teaching and were trying to learn to follow them. During that time he stopped his bipolar meds.

    A couple months ago I allowed him to move back in with me. Since then he has been very difficult to get along with. He seems often to not be able to carry on a coherent conversation with me, and a couple weeks ago I suggested he should start his meds back. He agreed and we also went to see his Psychiatrist who agreed as well. So he's been back on them for maybe two weeks, which is not quite time for them to start having an effect. His behavior is very unpredictable and I just never really know where I stand and what he's actually feeling and thinking. He claims to "always love me" and yet if I make any kind of suggestions concerning his health or dealing with it, he is often quick to anger and become unreasonable.

    We used to have fun times and good discussions but since he moved back in those have stopped for the most part. I really don't know what to do. I'm not at all sure he can take care of himself. He keeps on starting arguments and then asking if I want him to move back out and at this point I believe I made a mistake letting him come back, but I worry about his ability to cope alone.

    I wonder sometimes if Abe's advice to those who really DO need medication is taken by them as a reason to think they are really OK and don't need any chemical help to cope with "real life". His imagination is great, he's creative, but is often not in touch with what I consider to be "reality'. He manages to go to work and so far keep a job, but who knows if that will continue. In the past he lost jobs frequently and I often ended up supporting both of us for long times.

    I care deeply about him but he's become almost impossible to live with. I don't even know what to do anymore, and no, none of this feels "good" to say. I was hopeful that learning about LOA would help both of us but the whole thing at the moment is just unmanageable. Tonight he's now saying he's going to move back out, but I imagine that by tomorrow morning he will most likely have changed his mind again. I'm really confused. I'd give anything for him to be healthy and happy, but there' nothing I can say or do and anything I suggest when he's in one of these moods just causes an argument. I want to have a reasonable conversation with him but it seems to be an impossible thing to want...i'm not at all sure he's capable of having one. I'm not a doctor and I'm way out of my depth here.

    I know all the advice will be to tend to my own alignment first and feel "better" myself. That's just a hard prescription right now and I'm just not sure how to proceed to soothe myself.

    Well, anyway I feel a little better for posting about it. Guess I will try to get ready for bed and go read a book or something and try "turning it over to the manager",maybe. I'm lost here.

  2. #2
    lemon-up's Avatar
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    eostre,

    I have had a few insane acting ppl in my life......... it forced me to practice the teachings , and to heal old wounds that kept me locked into that need to interact with them at their level.

    I had to practice a more solid alignment and setting my own tone.......... and letting them be how they are without trying to fix them.

    I realized there is a place for them, just as they are , in this world..... that is who they are and it really,really has to be ok with me.

    the specifics of what you do when interacting are up to you, of course.

    and...... this always comes to us in order for us to go deeper into our own connection with our inner being, source and our own trajectory

    best wishes, love lemon

  3. #3
    lemon-up's Avatar
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    oh, and I also realized that no matter who they are.....if it's hurting me and my wellbeing I don't have to "be there for them", as they desire........ I get to set the limits for myself.

    I know I did not come here just to "take care" of another who is using "some" condition to bring other ppl to their aid.

    and I also know that there will always be another "care taker" out there willing to do that job, so I can get off that hook and live the life I dream of.

    of course, some ppl like to be a "care taker" of sick ppl, I found out that I am not that one. I do not have to feel sorry for anyone, including myself....... becos life is here for all of us.

    this has helped my wellbeing and mental health more than anything


    I do the list of positive attributes, pray, ask for NP assistance. I script them out of my life , and I trust they will be just fine cos they do have source and IB also.

    but, that's just me

  4. #4
    Super Kitty Marc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    He claims to "always love me" and yet if I make any kind of suggestions concerning his health or dealing with it, he is often quick to anger and become unreasonable.
    Understandable that someone might not appreciate when you're trying to control them.
    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    We used to have fun times and good discussions but since he moved back in those have stopped for the most part.
    Your focus on what you want has stopped as well. Rather, you're focused entirely on what is, which is understandable but isn't helping.
    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I really don't know what to do.
    Well, what's the one thing you can control? The way you feel.
    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I'm not at all sure he can take care of himself.
    So how does that thought feel when you think it? Is it a thought that feels better or worse to you when you think it?
    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    He keeps on starting arguments and then asking if I want him to move back out and at this point I believe I made a mistake letting him come back, but I worry about his ability to cope alone.
    There's you trying to control conditions on both sides -- want him to behave differently if he stays, want to control what happens to him if he leaves. As you can see, that's not going to get you anywhere and it's what you're using to split your own energy. If you were in a spot where you had to make a decision right this minute, your job would be to make peace with whatever choice you make. Even if you're not making any decisions, that's still a good idea. Does it feel better to think that he can't cope on his own? If not, then it's your job to back off that and soften the way you're looking at things. Does it feel better to think that you made a mistake in letting him come back? If not, then you need to start softening that too.
    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I wonder sometimes if Abe's advice to those who really DO need medication is taken by them as a reason to think they are really OK and don't need any chemical help to cope with "real life".
    Then you're really misunderstanding what Abe's advice is, because they're never advocating either for or against any particular action. They readily admit that medical treatments and medication can be the path of least resistance for people. Of course, the issue is that we're not talking to him, we're talking to you and this issue isn't about him. It's about the way you see and think about him.
    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    His imagination is great, he's creative, but is often not in touch with what I consider to be "reality'.
    Especially if it's a "reality" that isn't pleasant, you can't really blame him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I'd give anything for him to be healthy and happy, but there' nothing I can say or do and anything I suggest when he's in one of these moods just causes an argument.
    Of course not. Wanting him to be in a different place other than where he is just sends the message that where he is is inappropriate. No wonder he's causing an argument when you suggest it.
    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I want to have a reasonable conversation with him but it seems to be an impossible thing to want...i'm not at all sure he's capable of having one. I'm not a doctor and I'm way out of my depth here.
    Of course you would. You want a "reasonable conversation" with him so that you can persuade him with your words to take the actions you'd like him to take so that you can observe different conditions. You're right -- it's an impossible thing to want because if you need him to be different in order to feel better, then you're in a real pickle. Fortunately, you don't need him to be different in order to feel better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I know all the advice will be to tend to my own alignment first and feel "better" myself.
    Indeed, that is always going to be the prescription. As you've discovered, trying to get him to do things differently or feel better hasn't worked.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    That's just a hard prescription right now and I'm just not sure how to proceed to soothe myself.
    The first thing is that if the negative momentum is going really fast, then now's not the time to try to work on this. Do exactly what you've suggested and read a book, take a nap, etc. Get off the subject and then when the momentum has subsided, then it's something you can address. The second thing is that this is very similar to the discussion we had with you about you and horses -- you're wanting to make a big jump all the way to feeling good when LOA won't allow you to do that, nor is it necessary.

    If you're in a place of fear or powerlessness, usually anger or blame will feel better than fear and powerlessness. It's not hard to reach for thoughts like, "If only he would listen to me and be reasonable, things could improve," or, "I've done my best to let him come back and he's the one being unreasonable and acting out." That's all "finding thoughts that feel better" is about -- finding thoughts that still seem true to you but that feel a little better than you're used to feeling.

  5. #5
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    So. let's look at what you're telling us here. You're using your manifested conditions to set your vibrational tone and, in the process, you're feeling the instability of that. Good for you.-- I mean that sincerely, because when you learn that your stability comes from your alignment with your IB, you might start withdrawing your attention from these conditions and focus instead on your own alignment, where your stability is.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    His behavior is very unpredictable...
    You're saying, "I need him to behave in predictable patterns (or in patterns which please me) so that I can feel stable." Almost everyone in the world would agree with you, but that's not where your stability comes from. Your stability comes from your own alignment with your IB.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    ...and I just never really know where I stand [with him]...
    Abraham would ask you to figure out where you stand with your IB instead.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    ... and what he's actually feeling and thinking.
    That's none of your business. Truly.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    He claims to "always love me" and yet if I make any kind of suggestions concerning his health or dealing with it, he is often quick to anger and become unreasonable.
    So, what you're telling us is that he can't love you and still want to retain his independence to manage his own reality? Abraham teach us that the basis of life is freedom. So, doesn't it make sense that when our freedom is impinged upon, we might push back against that imposition?

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    We used to have fun times and good discussions but since he moved back in those have stopped for the most part.
    As a student of Abraham, you know that the LoA brings to you more of what you give your attention to. So, as you focus upon how the times are less fun and the discussions are less good or how few and far between they all are, the LoA has to bring to you more "less fun", "less good", "few and far between" until they have stopped for the most part. That's the Law of Attraction in action.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I really don't know what to do.
    What you're telling us is that your efforts banging around in the conditions haven't been particularly fruitful, which is just as Abraham teach. So, tend to your alignment, which you haven't even mentioned so far in your post.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I'm not at all sure he can take care of himself.
    How does that thought feel to you when you think it? What's your emotional guidance system telling you as you think that thought?

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    He keeps on starting arguments and then asking if I want him to move back out and at this point I believe I made a mistake letting him come back,...
    So, in spite of whatever words you've been offering him, your vibration is communicating to him that he's correct.

    So, let's stop here for a second and let me ask you: What is it that you want?

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I wonder sometimes if Abe's advice to those who really DO need medication is taken by them as a reason to think they are really OK and don't need any chemical help to cope with "real life".
    People can take things however they want to take them. That's really what we talk a lot about here, about molding our focus and our stories. And you have no influence over what

    But I wonder if you have heard Abraham's actual advice to those who really do need medication, because they never tell someone not to take something that he believes would be of benefit to him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    His imagination is great, he's creative, but is often not in touch with what I consider to be "reality'.
    Good. Because Abraham often teach us not to be so in touch with "reality." IIRC, we've made some suggestions along those lines to you.

    What Abraham do ask us (all of us) to be in touch with is our emotional guidance. From the little that you've told us here, it sounds like there are times when he is in touch with his own emotional guidance system, knowing that starting his medicine would be of benefit to him.

    I find it interesting (and I'm sure you will, too) that you admit that he hasn't been on his medications long enough for them to have their effect, yet you're carrying forward (into the present and into the future) all the stuff he had been doing when he wasn't on his medications.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    He manages to go to work and so far keep a job, but who knows if that will continue. In the past he lost jobs frequently and I often ended up supporting both of us for long times.
    So, your story is that he will do this again and that it will fall to you and that it will be on your shoulders for a long time? Is this a story that you want or that you don't want?

    Now, you're not going to be able to shift from your unwanted story here instantly to your wanted story. But you can move in that direction by softening your story of unwanted here.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I care deeply about him but he's become almost impossible to live with. I don't even know what to do anymore, and no, none of this feels "good" to say.
    Then, start to withdraw from what your human eyes are seeing--the conditions and the history--and start to reach for what the eyes of your IB are seeing. Then you will feel better.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I was hopeful that learning about LOA would help both of us but the whole thing at the moment is just unmanageable.
    Is it "unmanageable"? Or can you use your knowledge of these teachings to see how this unfolding matches your focus? And if it matches your focus, does that give you some inspiration to want to shift your focus? And does knowing that shifting your focus so that you feel better give you even more incentive to withdraw your attention from some of these specifics which don't feel good to you at all?

    If you look through your post, you might see that whilst there is some "fact"-based comments, a lot of what you've written is your replaying tapes of what has been, your interpretation of what is going on, and your extrapolation (off of what has been and what is) into the future. All of that is your thought, which you have the ability to soothe and shift.

    And you might tell us that he's always around or how you don't have time. You're both Aber's. You can tell him that you need to go off and to tend to your vibration.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    Tonight he's now saying he's going to move back out, but I imagine that by tomorrow morning he will most likely have changed his mind again. I'm really confused.
    Confused? When this is an exact match to the vibration that you're offering? You've just told us as much above.

    And, I know. I'm laying this at your doorstep. I'm not doing that to be blameful. I'm doing that because that's where your power is, not out in the conditions and the conversations, where your OP has been focused. You have no leverage there, as you've been describing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I'd give anything for him to be healthy and happy,...
    As long as it matches your definition of "healthy and happy" and he gets there in the way that you deem appropriate for him. Got it.

    Can you see how one (even without his diagnosis) might bristle at that? I know you don't believe this but, just like you, he cannot get it wrong. That's a perspective that your IB and his IB will not join you in, in spite of what the doctors might say.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    ...but there' nothing I can say or do and anything I suggest when he's in one of these moods just causes an argument.
    That sounds like a great time to tend to your own alignment.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I want to have a reasonable conversation with him but it seems to be an impossible thing to want...
    "Reasonable" by whose definition? By your IB's definition? By his IB's definition? Or by society's definition, which doesn't understand his Vortex?

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    i'm not at all sure he's capable of having one.
    I say this gently, but you are not capable right now of having one. Which means if you try to jump into the action of having your "reasonable" conversation from where you currently are, you're going to rendezvous with him when he's not capable of having one. That's the Law of Attraction in action.

    You'll want to find your alignment, the understanding and perspective of your IB which knows what he's put in his Vortex, before you can have your reasonable conversation with him.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I'm not a doctor and I'm way out of my depth here.
    I don't know that I agree with that, because this is not a knowledge gap. This is a vibrational gap that we're talking about here. You know about vibration. You know about your IB and your Vortex, which include your desires for him. You know about your emotional guidance system and you know about some tools and techniques with which you can work with your emotional guidance system to reach towards the understanding of your IB and of your Vortex. You're not giving yourself any credit for the leverage of alignment, which is really what will be helpful here.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I know all the advice will be to tend to my own alignment first and feel "better" myself.
    That is Abraham's "only one answer," so it's good that you've heard that.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    That's just a hard prescription right now and I'm just not sure how to proceed to soothe myself.
    You can withdraw your focus away from the specifics, away from what you two have co-created in the past. You can talk about how this is less of a "hard" prescription right now and open yourself to possibilities of improvement. You can go through this post of yours, identify which pieces are focused on your Wanted and which are focused on your Unwanted. You can find thoughts which still express your "truth" yet which feel better. You can start to remember that the reason you're feeling badly isn't because of what he's doing/saying/being (or not). It's because of your own vibrational gap. You can start to accept that this is a good thing because you're seeing that you haven't been all that successful in getting him to do/say/be the ways you want (and that you have a long history of the futility of that approach). So, you might decide that you want to start working where you do have your power: with your vibrational alignment.

  6. #6
    songbird's Avatar
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    Dear Eostre,

    Big hug to you dear one.
    Remember that step one is not bad, its just step one. And you are putting lots into your vortex at this time.

    I just want to say, that often when we are in a step one moment, our mind naturally goes to the "what to do" kind of thinking, and we become focused on that. What i want to say, is often when we do this, we are still focused on the "problem". And are keeping ourselves disconnected from the solution.

    Soothe yourself, instead, as much as you can.
    Go as general as you need to, in order to feel good, when you think about this.

    Remind yourself, that "things ARE always working out...no matter how it may seem at any time, things are always working out for you".

    Remember, that what your wanting is YOUR emotional BALANCE.
    Its YOUR better feeling thoughts.
    Its YOUR alignment.
    And yes, of course, some conditions make it harder for us to find this in ourselves. But thats why abraham say that those that please us, are not actually helping us to focus well. We just observe them and feel good, and observe them some more!

    And of course, there is always the path of LEAST resistance.
    Take the path of least resistance, when ever you can.
    Have some time for YOURSELF.
    Do what helps you to tune into yourself, what soothes yourself.

    Remember, that the best that you can help anyone, is to be in alignment with YOU.

    Remind yourself that he has his own broader Source Energy, helping him 24/7. And that if Source cant get through, how are you going to! Be easy on yourself. Your doing your best. You care about this person. But you cannot vibrate for him. Its up to him to do the work. And if he is disconnected, then that is okay too. Make peace with where he is. Make peace with the situation. Because when you make peace with it, you start to go downstream.

    So, soothe yourself and go general.
    And trust that you will be inspired to the words, to the action, from your connection with that broader, eternal, wise part of yourself.

    Be easy about it.
    Your doing much better than you think you are.

    Love
    Songbird.

    PS, if you can read the astonishing power of emotions, as some great examples in there, and also The Vortex book. And of course listen to abe as much as you can, that always helps. x

  7. #7
    WellBean's Avatar
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    How to handle a partner who is apparently not sane

    Sending love to you Eostre. s:

    Your path of least resistance may look a whole lot like taking action that feels safe right now and that’s ok. Just keep soothing soothing soothing and breathing breathing breathing. When I’ve got an overwhelming manifestation in my face, I remind myself that little pauses to rest and breathe are ENOUGH to eventually get back in the flow of wellbeing. Abraham has said that KNOWING this is enough, is enough.

    Connect with nature and animals, they hold solidly in wellbeing.

    When you feel more stable in wellbeing, then you’ll be able to feel your POLR more clearly and navigate your thoughts and actions with more confidence.


  8. #8
    Eostre's Avatar
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    Thanks so much to all who responded!
    Marc and WellBeing, there's so much good information here I will have to take some time to ponder.

    Lemon up, you and Songbird and WellBean always really have soothing words....I do seem to have always attracted men who "need" to be "taken care of" in some way. I like what you said about him having his own Source to listen to, and if it can't get through then how in the world can I? Good point.

    Even though I "shouldn't" be focusing on what to DO...it is still difficult to know how to verbally or otherwise respond sometimes when the conversation seems to go off in the weeds. I get confused and have no idea how to respond or IF I should even respond. Those times, nothing I do or say or DON'T do or say seems to be helpful. Walking away can make things worse. Staying in the room can make things worse. Those are the times I find hardest to know how to relate in some way that won't make things worse. Of course, this morning he's all "fine" and the excuse was he was just tired.
    It's hard to deal with someone whose apparent thoughts change so radically from one day or moment to the next...it keeps me very off balance and I have trouble even imagining what my IB might feel about the whole situation. I just freeze up.

    That's why I've been working on mediation so much. It seems to be the only process that Abe says helps no matter where you are on the emotional scale. I do spend as much time as i can in nature and with my cat.

  9. #9
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    Lemon up, you and Songbird and WellBean always really have soothing words....I do seem to have always attracted men who "need" to be "taken care of" in some way. I like what you said about him having his own Source to listen to, and if it can't get through then how in the world can I? Good point.

    In addition to your realization here, you're manifesting a situation which is highlighting for you that your care-giving techniques are not getting you want you want. It's an example of how your action really can't overcome your own vibrational offering, which is why we recommend that you “shouldn't” be focusing on what to DO.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    ...it is still difficult to know how to verbally or otherwise respond sometimes when the conversation seems to go off in the weeds. I get confused and have no idea how to respond or IF I should even respond. Those times, nothing I do or say or DON'T do or say seems to be helpful.

    How are you defining “helpful”? Because, as far as these teachings are concerned, “helpful” is measured by the extent you move towards your alignment. Without your alignment, any action that you do (or don't do) is going to be ineffective.

    So, it's a good thing that, when you don't know what to do or to say, Abraham let's you off the hook by suggesting that you don't say anything or do anything more than reach towards your own alignment. Now, you can insist that you say or do something but your emotional guidance will let you know of your tension of insisting on saying or doing something that you don't know what to say or do.

    If everything that you say or do (or don't say or do) isn't effective, then why do you want to keep saying or doing what you don't know what to say or do? That's the bopping your head with a hammer that Marc, mentioned to you in your last discussion.

    As I mentioned in my previous reply, he is--by your own description--an Aber. He knows of these teachings and of your interest in them. Who else is going to better understand, “I can feel I’m out of alignment and I know enough to know that I have nothing for you in this moment. So, I’m going to go and tend to my own alignment and I’ll be back when I’ve found my alignment.”?

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    Walking away can make things worse.

    Again, how are you defining “worse”?

    When you’re out of alignment, every action you’re going to take can make things “worse.” But if that action is the first step towards your tending to your own alignment, then I suggest that you start calling that your first step towards “better.” IOW, you might just be taking score and applying your label too early.

    As you say, you’re sort of damned if you do, damned if you don’t and it’s a crap shoot which flavor of damnation you will manifest at any point in time. So, withdrawing yourself from your manifesting momentum would be helpful thing for you to do, so that you can let your momentum subside and then tend to your vibration so that you set in motion a different kind of momentum going forward.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    Staying in the room can make things worse. Those are the times I find hardest to know how to relate in some way that won't make things worse. Of course, this morning he's all "fine"...
    Then withdraw, let him have his own reaction and know that his own reaction isn’t the “worse” that you’ve been calling it, because in the morning he’ll be all “fine,” which would be “better.” Start telling the story so that your story is helpful to your vibration.

    Because your focus on the conditions and what he’s doing/saying/being leaves you very little leverage, as you’re explaining to us here.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    It's hard to deal with someone whose apparent thoughts change so radically from one day or moment to the next...it keeps me very off balance and I have trouble even imagining what my IB might feel about the whole situation. I just freeze up.

    In the face of that momentum, that’s understandable. That’s something that Marc pointed out. When you’re in the midst of your momentum unfolding, that’s the hard time to be trying to shift the vibration. That momentum is, by and large, going to play itself out.

    However, right now, when he is presumably not having his reactions with you, you can start to soothe and shift your story. But--and this might be where Abraham would add one of their “We love you very much”--notice how you’re practicing your vibration of unwanted which will call to you more of his reacting.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    That's why I've been working on mediation so much.
    Good for you.

    And those times when you’re not meditating, you can look for things (unrelated to this) which are going well for you or for topics (unrelated to this or to any of your desires) which are easy for you to feel “good” (or at least “better”) about. You can do those, too, no matter where you are on the Scale.


  10. #10
    Eostre's Avatar
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    WellBeing, thanks again for the long response.

    By "worse" I mean him starting to yell at me and getting more and more upset and following me around the house while screaming at me.

    “I can feel I’m out of alignment and I know enough to know that I have nothing for you in this moment. So, I’m going to go and tend to my own alignment and I’ll be back when I’ve found my alignment.”?

    There!! That's what I needed..something to say that can hopefully defuse the situation and get me away from it long enough to catch my breath. I don't know if it will work, but if I can remember it it's worth a try. Of course, it might be a LONG TIME before I find my alignment..(not sure if I've ever found it for very long) and in that situation I'm not sure what I can do to feel better, except to get away from him. It's a flight reaction out of fear. Fear is very very low on the scale, but I go there at those times, and it has always taken me a long time and a lot of quiet time to begin to come back up.
    He is extremely overwhelming as a personality...I tend to feel drowned when he's around because he is never quiet and still unless he's asleep and he doesn't sleep much.

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