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Thread: How to handle a partner who is apparently not sane

  1. #11
    lemon-up's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    WellBeing, thanks again for the long response.By "worse" I mean him starting to yell at me and getting more and more upset and following me around the house while screaming at me. “I can feel I’m out of alignment and I know enough to know that I have nothing for you in this moment. So, I’m going to go and tend to my own alignment and I’ll be back when I’ve found my alignment.”?There!! That's what I needed..something to say that can hopefully defuse the situation and get me away from it long enough to catch my breath. I don't know if it will work, but if I can remember it it's worth a try. Of course, it might be a LONG TIME before I find my alignment..(not sure if I've ever found it for very long) and in that situation I'm not sure what I can do to feel better, except to get away from him. It's a flight reaction out of fear. Fear is very very low on the scale, but I go there at those times, and it has always taken me a long time and a lot of quiet time to begin to come back up. He is extremely overwhelming as a personality...I tend to feel drowned when he's around because he is never quiet and still unless he's asleep and he doesn't sleep much.
    when I live with someone I allow myself to set some ground rules. IOW , some daily living together guidelines....... after all ,you did invite him into your home. AND , you can uninvited him as well. No matter how sick someone is, IMO> I ask to be treated with manners.

  2. #12
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    WellBeing, thanks again for the long response.

    By "worse" I mean him starting to yell at me and getting more and more upset and following me around the house while screaming at me.
    That’s your momentum, playing out. In the context of these teachings, this is not "worse;" this is the natural result of the LoA. This is the car barreling down that San Francisco hill. There are no magic words that will Abe away your momentum. You have to let your momentum peter out.

    But, before it peters out, you can get out of the way of that car barreling down towards you. You can go into another room and close the door. You can lock yourself in the bathroom. You can leave the house. You can lock yourself in the car. You can put some headphones so you can’t hear his screaming. And once you get away, you do the best to focus on something other than whatever it is he chooses to do. Otherwise, by paying attention to what he’s doing, you’re still adding to the momentum, rather than letting it peter out.

    And by your own story, you know that in the morning it will be “better.” Your story of “worse” here is just you taking score too soon, which isn’t helping your vibration, which is what is calling this to you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    ..something to say that can hopefully defuse the situation...
    This is the piece that's tripping you up. You're trying to change ("defuse") the situation with words and action. Haven't you been telling us that doesn't work? That makes perfect sense to us, who know that it’s not your words, actions or boundaries* which change or defuse the situation. It’s your vibration.

    You’re not likely to change your own vibration whilst you’re in the midst of his screaming. That car has already been pushed down the hill at you. So, get yourself out of the way of the car. Get out of the physical path of the car. Get out of earshot of the car. And when you’re out of the way of the car, get your attention on something else, something which is easy for you to feel better about.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    Of course, it might be a LONG TIME before I find my alignment..
    You create your own reality. Do you know that? You create your own reality with your thoughts and your words. Is THIS a reality that you WANT to create for yourself?

    No one's asking to you "find [your] alignment." I've been carefully talking about "reaching for" or "reaching towards" or "feeling towards" your alignment. That's a very different thing. That's something that you CAN do and it doesn't have take the long time that you're Pre-Paving (remember that from your AAIIG study?) for yourself.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    ...(not sure if I've ever found it for very long)...
    How does that thought feel?

    Now, you’ve just turned something that you CAN do into something that will take a LONG TIME, if ever in this lifetime. Now, you’re screwed because your words and your actions haven’t been working. That’s what you’ve been telling us. And, now, you’ve just kicked your “fire escape” of alignment out from under you. What’s left?

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    ...and in that situation I'm not sure what I can do to feel better, except to get away from him.
    Did Marc not suggest that a while ago?

    And, by your own story, it doesn’t matter what you say or don’t say, so you might as well just git. Take care of yourself rather than focusing on him, which you can’t control.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    It's a flight reaction out of fear. Fear is very very low on the scale,...
    Flight reaction out of fear is something that Abraham support. They would encourage us not to get into situations where we are manifesting from a vibration of Fear. However, if we should happen to be manifesting from a vibration of Fear, they always recommend that we get ourselves to safety. It’s really hard to do any vibrational “work” when you’re in the midst of Fear-ful momentum.

    Part of the reason they don't recommend that we stay in a situation that we fear is because fear has a lot of unwanted momentum to it. Fear has more momentum to it than--say--Irritation. We'd been practicing our thoughts/focus/vibration (all essentially the same things) for long enough and consistently enough that we’re having our manifestation. There’s not much we can do vibrationally at that point. Get yourself to safety so that the threat is not all up in your face.

    But once we're out of that fearful situation (such as, perhaps now?) they recommend that we then tend to our habits of thought and focus so that we start a less unwanted momentum for ourselves from this point on.

    However, rather than doing that, you’re using this thread as an opportunity to continue to practice the same thoughts and stories which have been calling these manifestations to you. You certainly have the freedom to do that. Your IB will not label you as “wrong” in doing that (nor will I). However, I will be one less opportunity for you to practice your thoughts and stories which aren’t serving you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    ...but I go there at those times, and it has always taken me a long time and a lot of quiet time to begin to come back up.
    If this thread is any indication, two reasons why this is the case is because you’ve practiced yourself into that expectation and because you continue to practice your unhelpful thoughts and stories, even during your “quiet time.” Those two things will certainly cause it to take a long time.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    He is extremely overwhelming as a personality...I tend to feel drowned when he's around because he is never quiet and still unless he's asleep and he doesn't sleep much.
    “I need him to be different so that I can feel better.”--Eostre

    That’s the flawed premise that this whole situation is based upon. Good thing for you that this is a flawed premise. He’s your wonderful teacher because it sounds like he’s not much interested in jumping through your hoops and being/doing/saying things so that you can simply observe him and have your pleasing experience.

    Abraham teach us that we have the ability to feel better no matter what he (or anyone else) is saying/doing/being. Of course, given what you’ve told us here, it’s not likely that you’ll instantly get there overnight. But you CAN start to move in that direction.


    *Sometimes, people ask us about “setting boundaries.” Abraham don’t recommend that because most of the time, when people are asking about that, they’re wanting to use words and actions to change people’s behavior. Your own experience shows the ineffectiveness of mere words and actions on that score. Boundaries (for people and for places) only are effective when there’s vibrational alignment behind them.

    Last edited by WellBeing; 2 Weeks Ago at 06:39 PM. Reason: Formatting

  3. #13
    Super Kitty Marc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    Even though I "shouldn't" be focusing on what to DO...it is still difficult to know how to verbally or otherwise respond sometimes when the conversation seems to go off in the weeds. I get confused and have no idea how to respond or IF I should even respond. Those times, nothing I do or say or DON'T do or say seems to be helpful. Walking away can make things worse. Staying in the room can make things worse. Those are the times I find hardest to know how to relate in some way that won't make things worse.
    That's sort of like saying, "Every time I jump out of an airplane without a parachute... it is difficult to know how to stop myself. I get confused and I have no idea what to do." Well, that's certainly accurate that you wouldn't know what to do to stop yourself, and it might be "confusing" in the sense that you wouldn't know where to reach for a solution. The problem is that by the time you're at that point, there really isn't a solution. The solution is to either pack a parachute next time, decide not to jump, not get on the plane, etc. In other words, there are lots of solutions before you get to the point of no return.

    In vibrational terms, you've been observing what's been going on, which trains your vibration and the more you observe and think about what happened, the more you pre-pave these experiences you don't want. By the time you get to a manifestation, you've set that energy and once the manifestation pops, "WHEEEEEEEEEE!" and now you've jumped. That means the answer is exactly the same one we've been giving you about both this issue and others we've talked about -- your job is to start practicing feeling better about him WHEN HE'S NOT AROUND and when you're not balled up about all of this. After meditation is a really good time to do the work because you don't have any negative momentum going on that would make the work difficult.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    It's hard to deal with someone whose apparent thoughts change so radically from one day or moment to the next...it keeps me very off balance and I have trouble even imagining what my IB might feel about the whole situation. I just freeze up.
    "I have trouble even imagining what my IB might feel about jumping out of the airplane. I just keep falling." Again, what you're describing is accurate on a certain level, but misses the point. Yes, if you leave your vibration on this where it is and only deal with it when you're having a manifestation or right afterward, you've left yourself without any real options. The issue is that you're NOT alway dealing with him. You can leave, he can sleep. You have opportunities to soothe yourself about all of this when he's not around. As you start offering a different vibration, you'll find that you start to rendezvous with slightly better feeling circumstances.
    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    That's why I've been working on mediation so much. It seems to be the only process that Abe says helps no matter where you are on the emotional scale. I do spend as much time as i can in nature and with my cat.
    That's an excellent place to start, but as you've discovered, distracting yourself isn't helping things in the medium to longer term. It's useful to allow you to reset how you're feeling, but as you're not able to observe pleasing conditions at all times, once you're exposed to conditions you don't control, you're back to jumping out of the airplane. The key is to start practicing feeling BETTER about all of this when it's easier to feel better instead of waiting until you've got a lot of negative momentum that you're not going to buck.
    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post

    That's what I needed..something to say that can hopefully defuse the situation and get me away from it long enough to catch my breath. I don't know if it will work, but if I can remember it it's worth a try.

    Well, it might seem like that's what you needed, but it really isn't. The issue is that you keep looking for something that's going to stop you from falling when you've jumped and there just aren't any good solutions at that point. The time to "catch your breath" is before you're "in the situation." Deal with it in those times before things have flared up and when he's not there to contradict you. You absolutely can soothe yourself about what's going on when he's not there and yelling at you.
    As I've mentioned in one of my previous posts, thoughts of anger/revenge/blame usually give you relief from fear. It's simply a matter of reaching for that relief when it's easier to find it. As you practice feeling better without needing him to change, your new, improved vibration will cause the conditions to shift too.

    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    in that situation I'm not sure what I can do to feel better, except to get away from him. It's a flight reaction out of fear. Fear is very very low on the scale, but I go there at those times, and it has always taken me a long time and a lot of quiet time to begin to come back up.

    That's what I'm talking about -- don't wait until you're on a runaway train to deal with your fear. In the safety of your own mind when he's nowhere near, you have the freedom to reach for thoughts that feel better.
    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post

    He is extremely overwhelming as a personality...I tend to feel drowned when he's around because he is never quiet and still unless he's asleep and he doesn't sleep much.
    It's understandable that if you're used to relying on what you're observing for the way you feel that it's going to be a challenge with someone who's consistently offering behavior that doesn't please you. Nevertheless, you CAN do this.

  4. #14
    lemon-up's Avatar
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    “I need him to be different so that I can feel better.”--Eostre


    this is just a conditioned knee jerk reaction.
    are you feeling disappointed that things didn't go like you wanted? Sit with the egs and use it with every single thot that comes to your mind {those create feelings }

    it would be good to write on a piece of paper a "happily ever after" story of the essence of what you are wanting from this new situation.

    you don't ever have to be afraid of what you want "for yourself"........ when you write your story then you will use other tools to distract yourself from his "actions".

    yes, the vibration can only change when the struggle stops within you... but the good news is everyone goes thru "stuff" in order to change their vibration.


    I grew up with a lot of drama and chaos, so my knee jerk reactions [and momentum] came from that learning. Since finding ABE, I have made some good shifts that allow me to react and create in a more pleasant way

  5. #15
    lemon-up's Avatar
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    quickly here... I like to remind myself that "this is already done" when I regurgitate negative self talk and emotions

  6. #16
    lemon-up's Avatar
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    one other thing I realize about cocreation. There I am with the other and there is something I am getting out of this rendezvous.

    it could be anything for anyone, so it's up to me to pinpoint that "charge" or that "benefit" I am getting from this rendezvous.

    I have to decide if I want to keep that going or change it. Abe never tell us what to do..... just to line up with our decisions.


    and the good part is, we can collect as much data as we want before we take any inspired action. Our job is to reach clarity and inspiration that provides momentum for our wellbeing.

    we can't get it wrong and we will never get it done, but we will always have more clarity and insight as we go forward.

  7. #17
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    Quote Originally Posted by lemon-up View Post
    one other thing I realize about cocreation. There I am with the other and there is something I am getting out of this rendezvous.

    it could be anything for anyone, so it's up to me to pinpoint that "charge" or that "benefit" I am getting from this rendezvous.

    I have to decide if I want to keep that going or change it. Abe never tell us what to do..... just to line up with our decisions.


    and the good part is, we can collect as much data as we want before we take any inspired action. Our job is to reach clarity and inspiration that provides momentum for our wellbeing.

    we can't get it wrong and we will never get it done, but we will always have more clarity and insight as we go forward.
    I completely agree. I have to be getting something out of this whole thing, and I have to feel what that is and decide how to change it. I think we are basically mirroring our "faults" back at each other. More work to do.

  8. #18
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Eostre View Post
    I completely agree. I have to be getting something out of this whole thing, and I have to feel what that is and decide how to change it. I think we are basically mirroring our "faults" back at each other. More work to do.
    Let the "work" be finding relief, and finding respect, understanding and alignment for YOURSELF, first.

    And of course you are getting something from it! Isnīt it such a good thing.


    Because of your desire to expand,
    you attract situations that pose questions.
    So, a life that generates questions is a life
    that assures passion and flowing of Energy, and answers.

    Abe Sedona March 15+16, 2014




    Emotional Olympics...!

    HS:
    So the work is remaining up here, and not let her drag me down there?

    Abe:
    Ya! Step 3 and 4 are! Step 3 and 4 and 5, really.
    Step 3: Feeling good, anyway.
    And step 4: Getting really good at it! To the point,
    that you are even appreciating
    her for the PRACTICE that she requires of you!

    "I love you SO MUCH, Mom, because if it werenīt for you-
    Iīd be expecting everybody to be behave in a way, that I feel better.
    And youīr not the only one in my world, who wonīt behave
    just because I need them to!"

    HS:
    So, itīs emotional Olympics!

    Abe:
    Getting REALLY good at it! Thatīs what step 4 is:
    The MASTERY of Alignment!
    And then, step 5:
    Oh, thatīs when it really gets fun!
    Step 5 is when you dip back, you can look back at contrast,
    but it doesnīt upset you!

    "Oh, thatīs just Mom. Thatīs how she usually is!
    And it doesnīt bother me anymore, because it doesnīt
    dis-empower me, anymore! Because, I donīt let my attention
    upon her take away my clarity.
    My alignment. My vitality. My humor. My FUN!"


    2016-10-02 in Boston

  9. #19
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lemon-up View Post
    when I live with someone I allow myself to set some ground rules. IOW , some daily living together guidelines....... after all ,you did invite him into your home. AND , you can uninvited him as well. No matter how sick someone is, IMO> I ask to be treated with manners.
    I love this.

    I have realized and experienced over and over, that we really can draw almost everything from almost everybody (and the "exception" that this statement hints to is, imo still me, being not totally really clear- or there would be NO exception and that we can have EVERYTHING from EVERYONE. Thatīs what Abe teach.)

    People can turn around on a dime- when *I* line up with what I want.
    No need to suffer about anything.
    No need to "tolerate" anything.
    Just line up with your preferences, and until you have done that, be nice with yourself and donīt club yourself over the head for being imperfect. Itīs not your job to be perfect for him- or for anybody! Itīs your job to enjoy your journey, including the adventurous time of "getting where you want to be".

    And, if someone is "too hard", thatīs ok, also.






    We think, feeling good should be such a dominant intention, that when someone comes to you, complaining, you say-

    "hey, hey, heyyy.... I love you! Good bye!"


    Denver Aug. 2014



    Famous "Bowl of Worms"-quote:
    Donīt try to make what you donīt like comfortable!


    "(on the path of least resistance...)
    ...because you care for how you feel,
    you start reaching for those thoughts that feel good,
    AND, you stay off of the thoughts that donīt feel good.

    So, if there is some subject thatīs really uncomfortable,
    DONīT TRY TO MAKE IT COMFORTABLE!

    We said to Esther the other day:
    We really donīt want you to sit and write a focus-wheel
    until you like to eat raw fish!
    You donīt have to like to eat raw fish!
    You donīt have to like to eat gras-hoppers, either!
    You donīt have to eat worms, either!

    "But, Abraham. What if somebody gives me a bowl of worms?
    Shouldnīt I be able to eat a bowl of worms, and LIKE it?
    Shouldnīt I be able to do enough focus-wheels, that I am
    in complete alignment about eating a bowl of worms?"

    And we said: Really, Esther.
    Do you really want to eat a bowl of worms?
    "No! But I donīt want to be resistant to anything!"

    And we said:
    You where born to SELECT!
    You where born to choose!
    Donīt write a focus-wheel to get yourself to like things,
    that you donīt like!

    Thatīs NOT THE POINT of this!
    This is NOT what the art of allowing is.
    The art of allowing is not making yourself like,
    what everybody else wants you to like.

    The art of allowing is you, getting in sync with
    what YOU have put in your Vortex!
    Can you hear the difference in that?

    But that requires a willingness to accept the perfection
    and worthiness THAT IS YOU.
    That requires believing, that you are source-energy,
    and that source is aware of you.
    And that source knows what you want!
    And is calling you towards it, CONSTANTLY."


    Denver, 2015, 06.20






    from the collection
    How to deal with all sorts of Rascals and Dis-appointments


  10. #20
    Eostre's Avatar
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    thank you so much, POE!

    Perfect quotes, as usual!

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