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Thread: Teen step daughter

  1. #1

    Teen step daughter

    Before I start with my question I just wanted to say thank you so much for the help I received from you when my lovely Mum croaked last year. Itís been 11 months and in that time I have found so many things to distract me (in some amazing happy ways!) and to help me regain my balance my cork is almost bobbing

    My question here is about my stepdaughter, she is 14 and has been diagnosed with ODD. Things in our house are pretty tense and during her frequent outbursts she becomes violent and will shout abuse at us (mainly me) for a great deal of time.

    I need to feel better about this subject, whenever she is spoken about or sheís due at ours (50/50 care, half the week) I get very focused on how anxious I am. Of course what I resist persists.

    I cannot carry on the way I am, I want to feel better I want to be able to help her feel better instead I feel resentful and hurt at the things sheís said to me and the physical attacks Iíve sustained.

    This is not my plan for this year, this year I told myself I would find anything any subject at all to think about as long as it makes me feel good. I am doing pretty well but a mention of her or even seeing her belongings brings up such strong feelings in a negative way.

    I canít even go general about her and once Iím on the subject of her I find it hard not to disappear down the negative rabbit hole 1 uncomfortable thought following another.

    I am telling myself just get off the subject, think about something else anything else, take a nap, do something that distracts you however sometimes this works and other times if feels as though Iím simply suppressing my feelings.

    Iíd love some other perspectives please.



  2. #2
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    There's a lot i want to say to you, so settled back and relax and we'll cover it all. Let's begin here:
    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    I need to feel better about this subject,...
    It's good that you recognize this desire of yours. But when you recognize this desire within you, it's important to also recognize that you have the ability to help yourself feel better, no matter what conditions you're manifesting. Because if you have a desire but you don't believe that you have the ability to accomplish your desire, that sets up a tension within you, doesn't it?

    Now, I know you've heard us (and perhaps, Abraham) tell you that you do have the ability to feel better. But what do you think about that? And there's no right or wrong answer to my question. You are where you are and wherever you are is all right.

    But if you feel any sort of doubt or disbelief about your abilities, can you at least open yourself to the idea that you DO have the ability to feel better. You might have to learn some skills and practice your skills and techniques some. But if you can at least permit yourself to open yourself to the idea that you have the ability to feel better, you'll have an easier time of learning and practicing the needed skills and techniques to accomplish the feeling better that you want.

    And this is such an important place for us to start. Because when you remember that your intention is for you to feel better (and it is) you're less likely to fall into the trap of trying to get her to change in order to feel better. When you fall into that trap, you're communicating to her that she's inappropriate and isn't the natural response, to someone trying to foist that “inappropriate” lie (from the standpoint of her IB) onto her, to reject and rebel against that lie? You'd do the same thing, too. (Im playing with you here: C’mon, admit it. ) Surely, not to the extent it the extremes that she has been, but you probably haven't had as many people find times and reasons to cram that “inappropriate” lie down her throat as she might have.

    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    ...whenever she is spoken about or she’s due at ours (50/50 care, half the week) I get very focused on how anxious I am.
    So, as you're learning and practicing your skills and techniques, you can use this piece as an important lesson in timing. When we've learned anything that we've learned in our lives, we have the easiest and most effective learning experience, when we do our initial learning in a calm environment, when we're not under pressure to use our fledgling skills on the spot. Abraham tell their story of momentum--when we're out of the airplane without a parachute. Once we're out if the plane, that's not the time to be looking for a parachute. We'd have an easier, perhaps calmer experience, if we got our parachute before we threw ourselves out of the plane.

    What this means to you is that you'll find it easier to learn and to practice your skills and techniques BEFORE she's at your home and in your face. As you're wisely noticing, you're far too anxious in this moments to think or use your fledgling skills.

    But you're lucky. She's not always at your home so you can practice new and different thoughts which feel better about her when she's not at your house. That will start a different momentum going for you.

    Notice that I underlined that word “better.” We made this point to you in your previous thread, so it will be familiar to you again here. When we say “better, we really mean simply “better.” Not “happy.” Not “ITV.” Not “positive.” Not even “hopeful,” if you're not in the vicinity of “hopeful.” The LoA won't let you reach much farther than the vibration that you've practiced. And one of the most common things that I've seen that slows people way down on their vibrational journeys is reaching farther than the LoA will let them. They want to leap to “happy” or “the Vortex” or over this icky emotions at the bottom of the Scale instantly to the top. If you were to attempt to do that, the LoA is going to attract you back to the vibration that you'd been practicing. So, “better” simply means “better.” It means, if you're feeling Fear/.../Powerlessness (you can follow along on Abraham's Scale), “better" might look like thoughts of Revenge or Anger or of Blame. Or, if you're feeling “crappy,” “better" might look like “a little less crappy.” You really have to use your emotional guidance system to effectively “work" with this material.

    Remember how a child learns to walk. They don't just take one step and then they immediately run out the door to join a passing marathon, walking for ever more. That never happens. I mention that because you can learn from that child’s walking experience that it will be likely that you yourself will have to take a few practice runs at this: Starting your momentum before she gets there. The first time, you might not make it to the moment you realize she arrives that day. So, you do the best that you can. Maybe you practice some more when she’s asleep or at the mall or elsewhere. Then she returns to her home. And you learn and practice some more. This time you might just make it 'til she pulls into your driveway. IOW, it's a learning curve, a learning process. You'll have an easier time with your learning process, if you look for evidence of your successes and take score of them, as you go.

    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    Of course what I resist persists.
    I'm not correcting you here but I prefer the Abraham way of expressing this similar idea:
    I get more of whatever I give my attention to.

    I prefer this fine-tuning because Abraham's version includes the “solution.” You don't want unwanted stuff? Good for you; you get to choose. So, withdraw your attention from your unwanted and focus instead on what you want. (And, yes, that’ll be easier for you to learn and to practice when she's not in your face where your unwanted aspects of her are so easy for you to see.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    ...this year I told myself I would find anything any subject at all to think about as long as it makes me feel good.
    This is a wonderful and helpful technique. But it only one of many, many techniques and Processes that Abraham have given us over the years. Like any other tool, the Abraham techniques and Processes have their individual strengths and weaknesses, time or situations where they are more helpful and times when they are less helpful. You've learned that, when she’s up in your face, this tool can be less helpful to you. So, maybe it's time you learned how to use and master some other Abraham tools? To paraphrase the old saying, if you only have a hammer in your toolbox, then you can only tackle projects as if they were nails. That might sort of work, but it can be a lot harder than it needs to be. When we have mastered the variety of tools in our toolbox (both physical and Abraham toolboxes) we can tackle a greater variety of projects in more situations with more ease and effectiveness.

    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    ...but a mention of her or even seeing her belongings brings up such strong feelings in a negative way.
    I don't say this to diminish your experience, but that's just momentum. You've just practiced yourself into a habit of thoughts about her and you've been so good at your practice that you're able to think your thoughts frequently, easily and all at once.

    So, you can begin to practice yourself into different thoughts. You already know that you're a good practicer. Abraham would suggest that you find thoughts about her which still seem true to you yet which feel better to you and start to practice those. And then from there, find thoughts which still seem true to you yet which feel better from there and practice those. And so on….

    Again, this will be easier for you, at least at first, when she's not around.

    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    ...and once I’m on the subject of her I find it hard not to disappear down the negative rabbit hole 1 uncomfortable thought following another.
    So, let's talk about this some. We've talked about how, when she's visiting you, your habits of momentum leading up to her visit are already under way. You've Worried about her next visit and you've Feared what she might do or say and you've Doubted (I'm capitalizing these to remind you that they're on the Scale so these are all guidance) your ability to handle this. The good news is that this is all an Abraham Process, called “Pre-Paving” (from AAIIG, if you want to learn more). So, you already know this tool. You've just been using this tool to attract more iof what you don't want. That's what this negative emotions that I'd capitalized were alerting you to.

    Now, look at the components of your successful Pre-Paving (because this IS successful Pre-Paving, even if you manifested what you don't want). You remembered what she had done or you replayed stories you had heard and believed. You didn't go making stuff up about her. You stuck to what you Knew, Believed and Expected (capitalized to indicate the vibration of this words). Well, you can do that again, just shifting your focus on stuff you Know or remember of her that is more towards your wanted.

    Now, the reason to do what I'm suggesting is NOT to get her to be different. (That's probably a big component behind why she acts the way she does--everyone is trying to get her to change.) I'm suggesting this different way of Pre-Paving because you will feel better than the Pre-Paving you'd been in the habit of doing.

    This will make it easier for you to learn and practice and master your other skills and techniques, again, NOT to change her but so that you can feel better however she decides to be.

    You will probably find that she will decide to be different with you because you have stopped wanting to change her in order to have your better experience. You might be one of the very few to see her for who she truly is and who she really wants to be. But you don't need any of that for you to fulfill the wise, clear intention that you had stated in your OP.

    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    I can’t even go general about her...
    Sure you can.

    From this:
    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    ...about my stepdaughter, she is 14 and has been diagnosed with ODD.
    To this:
    I have a step daughter.
    If you truly shifted your focus along with those words, you would feel better.

    We can go even more General:
    There's this person in my life.
    When you shift your focus to this general place, you can leave behind a lot of the troubling issues.

    I hear you ask, “But, WB, how can I ask my question from those statements?”

    Fair enough.
    “I get upset when I think about her visits.”
    It leaves out the stuff you can't really do much about. You can't change her age. You can't change her relationship to you. You can't change the label that she's manifested for herself from doctors. And none of those are important to how you manage your vibration, which is how you feel better. And each of one them only get in the way of managing your vibration, if you include them in your focus.

    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    I want to be able to help her feel better
    I'm going to be blunt here because I want you to hear this: That's not your job. And not only that but, right now, you have no credible credentials to even apply for that job. Right now, you're saying (to us and to her) “I want to help you do this thing that I can't even do for myself.” You wouldn't fall for that line and she won't either.

    When you master your ability to feel better no matter what you're attracting to you, she might notice that. Then she might come to you and ask you to teach her what you yourself have learned. But not today.

    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    I am telling myself just get off the subject, think about something else anything else, take a nap, do something that distracts you...
    Again, all time-honored tools from Abraham, which have their time and place. But the reason why Abraham gave us more than these tools is because these tools can by hard to use effectively or we're not able to do them in all times and in all places. So, Abraham have given us other tools to use with these tools.

    The thing with these tools is that they'll provide relief for you but our vibration on a given topic is where we last left it, especially when we activate that topic frequently. So, when you distract yourself from the topic of her, you feel better. But when you have to think about her, you pick up your habits of vibration about her where you last left them. Which is why Abraham give us tools to find thoughts to feel better about her with needing get to change first, so that we can leave our vibration on topics (such as "her") in a different, better-feeling place.

    So, you might want to haul out your copy of AAIIG and brush up on some other Abraham tools, the kind that help us to feel better about her without needing her to change first.

    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    ...and other times if feels as though I’m simply suppressing my feelings.
    When you feel like you're suppressing your feelings, that's your guidance. So, you will want to pay attention to your thoughts that you're thinking in that moment. There's nothing about "suppressing" your emotions in this material. Abraham actually teach us to pay attention to and accept our emotions for the vibrational guidance that they are, to do something about our emotions.

    When your gas gauge goes towards “E” if you suppress that information, you could wind up in a problematic situation. You don't suppress anything when you're gas gauge goes towards “E.” You notice that information and do something to adjust what's going on with your gas tank.

    It's the same thing here, with this material. When your having guidance in the form of negative emotion, Abraham ask us to pay attention to how we feel, accept that as the guidance that it is about our alignment and then do something productive about our alignment .

    When people talk about “suppressing” their emotions, they usually mean it in contradistinction to “expressing” their emotions. We only want to express our emotions in two circumstances:
    • When our momentum has gotten the better of us
    • When we think the action of expressing will change the conditions we're living.


    As far as the first instance is concerned, sure, there are times when our unwanted momentum gets the better of us. In those moments, our path of least resistance is to let our momentum have its way with us, as uncomfortable as that may be, but it'll be over soon. Then, Abraham teach us to pay attention to our emotional guidance so we can be aware of the momentum we're creating for ourselves, so that we can shift our focus (and, therefore, our momentum) in the early, subtle stages when it's easier to shift, before it gets the better of us.

    Abraham teach us that action (particularly action inspired from unaligned momentum) doesn't have the leverage to gets us what we want, which is why “expressing” our negative emotions typically makes matters “worse.” Our action brings to us outcomes which match the vibration which inspired the action in the first place.
    Last edited by WellBeing; 1 Week Ago at 03:07 PM. Reason: Typos

  3. #3
    Thanks WB for replying, I know I DO have the ability to feel better. Iím getting better at soothing myself.

    I wonder if the contrast I feel about my stepdaughter is enabling me to shoot off more rockets of desire? For instance and I know itís a little off track, however when Mum made her transition I was devastated I had such great perspectives on here and I began to be ok with where I was, I was ok with feeling the way I was, I was ok because I knew I had the ability to make myself feel better eventually.

    In the last 5 months I have manifested a beautiful new home, we got a mortgage but it wasnít enough yet I didnít worry I knew it would be ok and sure enough our mortgage company offered us more. I then won some money on the lottery and again it helped us afford the house we are moving into shortly.

    I know I am able, I guess what I realise from this is where the situation with my stepdaughter is concerned I feel powerless and so Iíd really like to move up the emotional scale and feel a little better.

    This reads quite fragmented sorry!



  4. #4
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    I wonder if the contrast I feel about my stepdaughter is enabling me to shoot off more rockets of desire?
    Always. That's the natural consequence of experience Contrast. When you know what you don't want, you know more clearly what you do want.

    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    I guess what I realise from this is where the situation with my stepdaughter is concerned I feel powerless and so I’d really like to move up the emotional scale and feel a little better.
    That's all right. How will you do that? (Because--and I don't say this as a criticism--this isn't the first time that you've spoken with us about your step daughter. You've already launched those RoDs. Sure, the current RoDs you're launching now are making your creation more detailed, richer, more pleasing to you. But don't you want to start cashing in some of your vibrational chips?)

  5. #5
    Yes I do! And this is where I get stuck!



  6. #6
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    Yes I do! And this is where I get stuck!
    Let me un-stick you:
    Find thoughts and stories about your step daughter (and every piece of her life that you think about) which still seem true to you yet which feel BETTER

    Why? To change her? NO. To Abe her into the step daughter that you wish she was? NO.

    Because you feel Fear, Anger, Blame, Worry, Doubt and anxiety when you think your habitual thoughts about her and you've decided that you want to feel better (unless you were just saying what you think we wanted to hear in your OP).

    You've just told me that you "know" that you have the ability to feel better. Now, you may be repeating Abraham's words that you've heard which you really don't believe, but that's not the vibration of Knowing. That's the vibration of "I've heard this but I Doubt/Worry/Fear that I don't know how to do this or how to do this effectively." That's different from Knowing. Which are we talking about here?

    Because if you Know that you have the ability, then a simple learning of some additional tools and techniques to compliment your existing tools and practicing them so that you can create a different momentum for yourself is a simple way to get yourself unstuck.

    But so far, you're approaching her with an attitude of "I need you to be different so that I can feel better." Abraham talk about how almost everyone on this planet has that attitude and it works for no one, because it's a flawed premise. (And, as I mentioned, it could well be that she understands the flaw of that premise which people have been trying to ram down her throat and that results in or contributes to her choices in her behaviors.) You have 3 years of personal experience of the flaw in that premise and you're lucky that you're an Aber. You have Abraham's book, The Vortex, to explain the flaw in this (and other) premise(s) and more helpful premises for you to use in relationships.

    So, you can--if you'd like--take the Abraham approach (which I've summarized at the beginning of this reply and expanded upon in my original reply) and find ways of feeling better without needing her to change first.

    You see, part of what's tripping you up is that you're confusing who she is with your story about who she is. She is not your story about her. Your story is your creation. You're having manifestations which match your story about her, because that's what the LoA does. That's how you create your reality. You know this to be true because you even tell us that she acts differently more towards you than towards other people. Why do you think that is? As a student of Abraham, there is only one answer: you're offering your vibration which is attracting to you more of your share of her behavior. I don't say that to blame the victim.

    But, from the standpoint of LoA, that can be the only explanation. So, if you want a different experience, you'll want to offer a different vibration.

    But that gets tricky because as long as you're aware of "different from what I had been getting," you're keeping "what I had been getting" active in your vibration. So, your vibration doesn't shift. That's why we say feel better "without needing her to change first."
    Last edited by WellBeing; 1 Week Ago at 08:05 PM. Reason: Formatting

  7. #7
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    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    My question here is about my stepdaughter, she is 14 and has been diagnosed with ODD.
    there's a whole lot about that, isn't there? I would stop focusing on her "diagnosis" which is probably related to being 14 and a stepdaughter I think if you can get a little perspective and distance on that, then you can use the ideas that Abraham gives us to back off and just enjoy the positive aspects of this person.


    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    (50/50 care, half the week) I get very focused on how anxious I am. Of course what I resist persists.
    I think then don't resist it. Just notice that you are anxious, like WellBeing said , there are other emotions that you can move to from there that aren't blissfully singing and you'll still see improvements!


    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    I want to be able to help her feel better
    you're probably not going to be able to make her feel better so you can just feel better yourself and you know what they say about 1 person in the vortex is more powerful than 100 out (or something like that)


    Quote Originally Posted by Daydream_Believer View Post
    I canít even go general about her
    well that is not really true.
    You can think about that she is just a child and obviously her parents are divorced and you can understand what her life might be like. Maybe she's anxious to see you and can't look at your belongings Your new spouse is this person's parent - you love the parent. You can think about how you don't have to be a "parent". What if this was just some kid you met in your day to day travels? What if you had met when you were both 14? What if she ends up remembering who she really is and taps into Abraham-Hicks material with you? there are infinite thoughts where you can feel better. You've chosen not to do so. It doesn't seem like you are really walking the walk and talking the talk of Abraham-Hicks on this topic in this thread. You said it is so hard to not focus on the negative aspects of this person so why not every day write 3 or 4 pages of positive aspects (or as many as you can find) about her or about the situation. Maybe it's even something like she only lives with you 1/2 the time which is only 25 weeks a year You can do this! You just have to commit to doing the actual Abe work on it.


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