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Thread: Relationship jealousy and insecurity

  1. #1

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    Relationship jealousy and insecurity

    Hello Abers!

    I am in a relationship and we get along great, except for one thing - jealousy on my part. It mostly appears concerning one of his female friends, with which he had sex several times while being in an open relationship with me (we're now exclusive). At that time, she was in love with him and wanted to be with him. They live in the same dorm and have classes together, so they see each other every day and that is probably not going to change for a few years. She now has a boyfriend and rationally I know I have nothing to worry about, but I just become so angry and filled with negative emotions when I see them together or when I hear they went for a lunch after classes or something similar.

    If I talk to him about it, he gets defensive and he feels I am limiting him and I then feel guilty for feeling what I'm feeling and for acting like I do. So we're kind of stuck in this continuous situation and I don't know what to do. Rationally I know I have nothing to worry about, I just want to know what to do in this fit of rage and insecurity and how can I achieve that these feelings won't come up as often or anymore.

    I don't exactly know what's bothering me, because I know he won't sleep with her again, I know he loves me, I know he wants to be with me.

    When I was 8, my parents got divorced and I lived with my mom. After a few years, my dad somehow slowly disappeared without any good reason and from my teen years on, I never got to see him again, although I know where he lives and we didn't have an argument or anything. So I was thinking if this insecurity is coming from something deeper and I don't want to blame any situation for my feelings, I just want to know how to work around them.

    When I'm feeling good it's easy to feel good, it's easy to write positive aspects, it's easy to think lightly on this jealousy thing. It's when I'm in this swirl of emotions that it gets harder and I don't know what to do to prevent these feelings from coming up.

    I just want to feel secure and have a great relationship

  2. #2
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Welcome to The ABE Forum, alvik!

    Now, I know you've been here for a little bit already. That was my gentle reminder that we're here, on this forum, to discuss the teachings of Abraham and how we're applying them to our lives. If you re-read your OP*, you'll discover that this is a piece that's missing from your OP. When we start to put your situation into the context of these teachings, things will start to become clearer to you. So, haul out your copy of AAIIG as you read along and let's put some Abraham into this conversation.

    Quote Originally Posted by alvik View Post
    I am in a relationship and we get along great, except for one thing - jealousy on my part.
    Got your copy of AAIIG? Good. Turn to Abe's Emotional Guidance Scale in that book and locate Jealousy on the Scale. (I'll wait....)

    First, Jealousy is on the Scale so you know that it's an emotion. Because it's an emotion, you know it's guidance. One thing that makes Jealousy "Jealousy" is that it doesn't feel so good, so we'd call that a "negative" emotion. This tells us that when you're thinking your Jealous thoughts, your IB--the larger, vibrational Source part of You who is standing in and focused upon your VE/VR/Vortex and who is connected to Infinite Intelligence--is thinking different thoughts at that same moment about that same topic. That's why you're feeling your negative emotion of Jealousy. Better said, that's how you create your negative emotion of Jealousy, by choosing to think thoughts that your IB will not join you in. That causes a separation of perspectives between you (in your physical body) and You (your IB) and that vibrational tug-of-war creates your negative emotions.

    Quote Originally Posted by alvik View Post
    If I talk to him about it, he gets defensive...
    I went through that detailed description just above to show you how "talking to him about it" isn't the effective strategy that you were hoping for. After all, as an Aber, you're sort of saying "I have a habit of thinking thoughts with which my IB doesn't agree and I feel bad when I think them. Therefore, I think you [your bf] should be different so that I can feel better."

    And his IB (and your own) might be saying, "OR you could just start to practice yourself into different habits of thought, so that you don't create Jealousy for yourself."

    Now, he might not be an Aber or know about vibrational gaps or "IBs" or the stuff that we talk about on this Forum, but he can certainly recognize when you are trying to take your problem and make it his. That's enough to get anyone to push back on that strategy.

    Now, he is your wonderful teacher, because he doesn't have a time machine, so he can't go back in time and unsleep with her. (And probably wouldn't want anyway because that sounds like it was within the "rules" of your open relationship.) He's not going to take on your problem of your vibrational gap (which is good for him because he can't do anything about that). And since he's apparently not sleeping with her now, he's not going to change his behavior or disrupt his course schedule, life, etc. simply because you are willing to continue to think your thoughts which don't feel good to you. Beautiful teacher that he is for you, he's reminding you (even if he doesn't know it) that this is your problem of your own vibrational gap and that you have the knowledge (these teachings) and the tools (within these teachings) to start thinking thoughts which still seem true to you yet which feel better than your habitual thoughts of Jealousy.

    Quote Originally Posted by alvik View Post
    ...I then feel guilty for feeling what I'm feeling and for acting like I do.
    I don't say this to "make you feel" Guilt (capitalized to remind you that this, too, is on Abe's Scale). You're not doing anything inappropriate by feeling what you're feeling. Abraham teach us that all emotions have value...as guidance, so that we can manage our focus/thoughts/vibration. You're learning that action doesn't help you with your vibrational problem. And you're learning that trying to displace your vibrational problem (particularly through action) isn't an effective strategy to tend to your vibrational problem.

    Quote Originally Posted by alvik View Post
    So we're kind of stuck in this continuous situation and I don't know what to do.
    So, you might want to start tending to your vibrational problem in the way that Abraham teach...by using your guidance to take your vibrational journey, from the thoughts that you're currently thinking out of your habit towards the thoughts which still seem true to you (about this topic and this history) yet which feel better to you.

    Notice that I said, "better" (even underlined it for emphasis). Not "positive." Not "ITV." Not "happy." Not "wishful thinking." Simply "better," which would be a spot or two (or three) above the Jealousy that you're currently in the habit of thinking. Since you have your Scale out already, you can find what those emotions are. Those emotions will feel better than your current habit of Jealous.

    Quote Originally Posted by alvik View Post
    Rationally I know I have nothing to worry about,...
    So, you're lying to yourself then? You're thinking Jealous thoughts you don't believe to be true? I doubt that.

    What you're likely saying there is "I have these rational thoughts that I really don't believe. I tend to believe my habitual thoughts of Jealousy." That makes perfect sense to us Abers because in that book you have out (You didn't put it away already, did you?) Abraham observe that "a Belief is a thought that you keep thinking. It's a habit of thought." You've practiced yourself (and it doesn't matter why you did so) into a habit of thinking thoughts of Jealousy more than you've practiced thinking your "rational" thoughts. Sometimes, Abraham talk about the Scale, comparing it to the tuner of our radios. Using that analogy, you've programmed a pre-set button for yourself at Jealousy on this topic.

    Quote Originally Posted by alvik View Post
    I just want to know what to do in this fit of rage and insecurity and how can I achieve that these feelings won't come up as often or anymore.
    Start to program a different pre-set button for yourself on this topic. Start to practice a different habit of thought.

    Better said, take your vibrational journey from Insecurity/.../Unworthiness, up the Scale, until you get to thoughts of Joy/.../Appreciation. In fact, there's a whole Process (and some other sections) in that book of yours, which describe that vibrational journey.

    Quote Originally Posted by alvik View Post
    I don't exactly know what's bothering me,...
    You're having your guidance. Part of the benefit of guidance is that it alerts you to "exactly...what's bothering me." You only need to pay attention to the thoughts that you're thinking in your moments of Insecurity, Jealousy and Rage. (Ooo, look! Another capital letter. Can you find Rage on the Scale?) Those are the thoughts that you want to soothe (I love that word!) and shift as part of your vibrational journey.

    And you might miss the thoughts that kick off your moments of Insecurity, Jealousy or Rage. You might miss the exact starting point of those moments. That's all right. You don't need the exact thoughts or the exact starting points, because all the thoughts that you are thinking when you do realize you're feeling your Insecurity, Jealousy or Rage are vibrational matches to the thoughts that kicked off that moment.

    Quote Originally Posted by alvik View Post
    ...because I know he won't sleep with her again, I know he loves me, I know he wants to be with me.
    We humans are really sloppy with our words. We tend to use words that don't really reflect the vibration that we're offering. Abraham tease us that we've messed up the words "God" and "Love." Another word we do this with is "know." We say "know" when we're meaning a different vibration altogether.

    You Know that the sun will come up tomorrow morning, even if you can't see it. You Know that, when you let go of something in your hand, it will fall "down" instead of "up." That's the vibration of Knowing, as Abraham mean it. And if you compare your experience of how you feel with those Knowings to the feeling of the "know" you are saying here, you'll see that there's a difference.

    It's all right that there's a difference, but that's the gap that you'll want to take your vibrational journey to close.

    And the vibrational journey is key, because I'm sure you've already shown yourself that simply repeating your "I know..."s hasn't helped you with this situation. You have to take your vibrational journey from what you truly Believe (the thoughts that you're thinking in your moments of Insecurity, Jealousy and Rage) up the Scale to these "I knows..."s that you've put in your Vortex.

    Quote Originally Posted by alvik View Post
    When I was 8,...
    You can do an archaeological dig through your past, if you'd like. But Abraham don't encourage us to do so. They actually try to coax us away from such an exercise because the LoA brings to us more of what we focus upon. So, as you try to get to the bottom of anything, the LoA ensures that there is no bottom. It just keeps bringing you more and more. Was it this last time when he slept with her? Or was it the other girl he slept with during your open relationship? Was it your past bf? Or the one 3 bf's back? Or your very first bf? Or your parents? Or their parents, from whom they learned their relationship techniques? Was it the mores of their villages?....This would be where Abraham might tease, "Kill me now."

    It's not really necessary to do that archaeological dig that you're doing here, in order to "work" with this material. It tends to make things more complicated because now you have to "clean up" your past in order to find your relief now.

    The dynamics here are really very straightforward:

    "I think thoughts which don't feel very good to me when I think them. I've told myself that I have 'good' reasons for thinking my uncomfortable thoughts and I've used my 'good' reasons to practice myself into a habit of thinking them, even though I'd been feeling uncomfortable as I thought them every time I thought them. I practiced them and practice did what it always does: I was able to think my uncomfortable thoughts more easily and more frequently and about more aspects of this topic and in more situations. And LoA helped me out. I practiced myself so that I got really, really good at thinking my uncomfortable thoughts, that I programmed myself and I programmed a pre-set button on my Emotional Guidance Scale."

    That's really straightforward...AND that's your path "out." IOW, you did all of that and you did a great job of it, in spite of your uncomfortable feeling every step of that way and in spite of you not knowing what you were doing. All Abraham ask you to do is to do the opposite of what you did (so you know you CAN do it, because you already had done it) in a way that they have taught you (so you are knowing what you're doing this time around) and that will feel better (rather than "worse") every step of this way. And LoA will help you out, just as it did before.

    Quote Originally Posted by alvik View Post
    When I'm feeling good it's easy to feel good, it's easy to write positive aspects, it's easy to think lightly on this jealousy thing. It's when I'm in this swirl of emotions that it gets harder and I don't know what to do to prevent these feelings from coming up.
    When you're in this swirl of emotions, that's not the time to be doing your vibrational "work." You've been practicing your vibration before that point and it's got enough momentum that it's probably going to play out the way it's going to play out. Abraham describe this with a story about a car barreling down a San Francisco hill. If you're at the bottom of that hill, trying to stop that car with your outstretched hands, you'll be making yourself more uncomfortable.

    When you're in this swirl of emotions, that's a good time to take a nap, meditate, get your mind off this topic any way you can. Let your momentum peter out. It will. (But before you do, take just a moment--a really brief one is all that's necessary--to notice the thoughts that you're thinking in your swirl. Briefly--that's the operative word--collect a little data about the thoughts that you're thinking to create your swirl.)

    When it has petered out, start to do your "work" on your thoughts of Insecurity, Jealousy and Rage as well as the thoughts that you were thinking to create your swirl.

    Quote Originally Posted by alvik View Post
    I just want to feel secure and have a great relationship
    "Secure" would be on the other end of the Scale from where you are. If you're in one place and you'd rather be in another place, that's all right but you'll have to take a journey from where you are to where you want to be. In that book you have there, Abraham illustrate this idea with the story of J&E's trip from Phoenix to San Diego.


    *You can find a translation of the acronyms and abbreviations that we commonly use here on the Forum in our Glossary.

  3. #3
    hi alvik thank you for sharing

    as WellBeing said, the wonderful book AAIIG is a great tool
    I'm inspired to share some of my thoughts as in the past I have been jealous and whilst it has surfaced every now and again, as I feel feelings for particular individuals and my involvement with them becomes more focused on them, I have had to apply the Abe teachings to soothe myself and to find relief so that I can continue to have happy rendevouz with them.
    I just wanted to put in some thoughts, through my life experience as I've been practising Abe.

    Abe have said that women want security and men want freedom.

    Security is the opposite of freedom in one way, because it implies a steady assured knowledge of something being there for us always - like a rock, immoveable
    Whereas freedom is openness, choice, the ability to change your situation as you feel and go with the flow, freedom is fluid

    Ofcourse I know that this is just a description and not a set fact, and I know of couples who love each other and are married and are devoted to each other who have both security and freedom in their relationship.
    I'm thinking out loud here

    Security with freedom I would call trust.


    I think it is easy to trust your friends as mostly they are not romantically involved with you, so there is less of an emotional focus involved
    and when you have a lover, or a bf, then the focus you place on them as you are holding them as you object of attention sometimes becomes greater
    and as you enlarge your focus on them, you are hoping (or even expecting) that they then enlarge their focus of attention on you

    to me, the focus of attention is like the light of source being shone on me
    it is a wonderful all encompassing interest in me that automatically makes me feel good and special and loved and warm and happy and relaxed
    it makes me feel comforted and secure and supported and my existence affirmed

    so, basically - it is exactly like the unconditional love that my Inner Being is always shining on me - the Light of Source


    what I have to practise is to enjoy those intimate moments and to celebrate them fully - by remembering how beautiful they are, and also as they are happening, to give thanks for them

    I have also read that Abe say that someone can not focus on you all the time, because it is unnatural and not possible - so sooner or later they will be giving you less attention. You just need to come into alignment yourself irrespective of the time they hold you as their object of attention.
    Your worthiness must be strong enough to support you, and your love for yourself, irrespective of the time a bf or lover holds you as their object of attention.

    And, I believe that when a boy I am interested in, gives attentions of affection (not necessarily sexual, even though it can be intimate) to another female, then I must look for positive aspects about it as best as I can
    without making it personal (which means not thinking about any past history between them)
    and appreciating his focus on her as a beautiful thing
    (without losing my alignment and my sense of self love)

    the way I go about this is still a work in progress for me, but I use lots of Abrahams processes
    but I do know that a man can be totally and completely devoted to his love, the woman of his choice, and still appreciate other women.
    Trust and love are important (I believe)
    and for me, I have to have parameters that I am happy with. Some men may find parameters limiting - and probably those ones may be the rascals and maybe not for me in the long run as they will cause me expansion and contrast, which is not a bad thing, but it can be a rollercoaster ride, and I have affirmed and believe that the man for me will be an easy ride and that we will just be beautiful together!
    and some men will be happy to stay inside the parameters (so that he has access to the woman he is interested in)
    and sometimes there will just be an unspoken 'knowledge' between the couple because they are already perfect for each other

    yes things can be as good as you dream !

    there are lots of threads on here about love and they have beautiful guidance from Abe about love and surety and happiness, so take heart that all will be well

    One thing I did a few years ago was to write a list of what I wanted in a mate and as I focused on that - it just made me feel so good, and over time I continually come across men who have those exact traits. And I am talking about very specific emotional and physical traits. Including traits that point to security for me
    Ofcourse my Source knows exactly the man I want, and this list is just for me for focusing on, and a reminder of what I love and appreciate in a mate.

    so perhaps in your soothing of yourself, you could write a list of aspects that you'd love to see in a mate, (whether this one here shows them to you or not, does not matter - just write what you desire in a mate, and with some appreciating and focusing the Universe will bring a man/men who start showing those qualities to you)

    For example, because I love to have a man who is truly into me and knows he wants me, on my list I have

    he comes for me with sure assuredness of his desire for me that it is mindblowing
    he is completely into me and always pleased to see me
    he always has a smile for me, every single time
    I love how he is always happy
    I love that he laughs often
    I love that he loves looking deeply into my eyes
    He is excited to be around me, I make him light up every single time


    and when I see things on my list being delivered to me by the boys I encounter in my daily life, then I give the Universe a thank you! and myself a pat on the back for attracting these qualities that I want
    It shows me that I am a powerful creator

    I know this is not exactly related to jealousy, but for me it affirms my alignment and my self worth and my self love. It shows me that my Inner Being can choose to focus on the wanted end of the stick
    And the more time I spend thanking and appreciating the positive aspects, the less time I have to let my mind wander about thoughts and feelings that could hurt me and bring me down. I just try to make my mind work for me by changing my thoughts to positive ones. And Abraham say that a belief is only a thought you keep thinking. So change your thoughts, and your beliefs about whatever you are thinking will change too.
    maybe some words that may help you ?

    I am not a jealous person, I am sometimes a little fiery
    I am learning to keep my fire under control
    It's okay that sometimes I explode and I am getting better at exploding less
    I love myself and that is a good good thing
    Many people love me and that is a good thing too
    I can love someone and they do not need to love me back because I am a giving being and have enough love always
    I am good at finding relief when I need it
    I am good at recognizing my emotions and I am good at telling my brain to Stop! and I am good at switching off certain thoughts, especially the ones that hurt me, and I am good at directing my mind to think happier easier thoughts
    It feels like a breath of fresh air when I think happy thoughts
    It is my intention today to be a calm person
    I love being calm
    I can easily turn away from something unpleasant and I can easily focus on something pleasant
    I love that I am getting better and better at being a stronger, more guided me
    Thank you

    hope this may help?
    much love xxxxx

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