Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
So, why do I obsess over things even though I proclaim that it has never given me any benefit. That is a good question. Why do I go over different scenarios in my head, and relive past circumstances and situations, even though they definitely make me feel bad? Why do I look for the potential negative outcomes of current situations and make myself feel bad about them? There must be a perceived benefit of it...

And isn’t that interesting? You’ve talked yourself into your perception of benefit from it, even though you can honestly state, from your own personal experience, that it has never given you any benefit. So, if you can talk yourself into this Belief which contradicts your own personal historical experience (albeit in a fashion you do not want) then you can talk yourself into a Belief which contradicts your own personal historical experience towards what you do want. It’s the same skill, just pointed in a different direction. The technique is the same and you already know you know how to do it (because you’re living it right here). All you have to do is talk yourself into Believing something that you DO want, even if it contradicts your own personal historical experience.

Not only do you already have this skill but you managed to successfully apply this skill, even when every step of your way was filled with negative emotion (because you were applying your skill towards what you do not want). Can you imagine how much easier it will be to apply your skill when it feels like relief every step of your way?

Now, I could ask you “How much personal experience of never-having-given-you-any-benefit is it going to take you before you start to say, “I see this. This is just a habit I picked up somewhere, that doesn’t feel good and that I Know has NEVER given me ANY benefit and which I can feel doesn’t feel any kind of good. So, I’m going to do something else instead of this old habit.’? But I’m hoping that you’ve already been asking yourself that question as you’ve pondered and written your answer to my question.

Are you, in the middle of your old habit, instantly going to come up with a new habit in its place? No, that’s not likely. You’ve gotten really good at your old habit of thought, your old Belief. So, it’s more likely that you’ll have to get off that subject, that jag of thought, with a simple, “I don’t have to think about this now.” Later on, when you’re not all balled up in your old habit, you can contemplate what you think you want your new habit to look and feel like. Odds are, at first, you’re going to think about your new habit in very general terms.

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
well, I think part of it is that I think if I let go of the obsession, that I would miss something and be blindsided or embarrassed.

You’ve lived some life. Has that ever been the case? Or, to ask that differently, have you ever “obsessed” and still been blindsided or embarrassed. Remember, there are no right or wrong answers to these questions.

On a different topic (and this is an honest question) what makes missing something or being caught unawares or being embarrassed “bad” for you? I’m not saying these Must.Be good for you. But what makes these things bad for you?

Because those are your resistant thoughts, which you can then shift with these techniques and tools.

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
Because I really *could* say to myself that I know the LOA is always working, and Abraham says to basically ignore thoughts that don't make me feel good, and I know that I really *am* capable of disregarding crappy thoughts becuase I have done it before.

Which of these thoughts do you Believe like you Believe the sun will come up tomorrow? It’s all right if you don’t Believe any of these thoughts in that same vibration of Belief. But if you don’t, then these (vibrationally accurate statements of how the LoA operates) become platitudes to, which don’t shifting your vibration in the way that you want them to. So, if you don’t Believe these statements in that same way (like you Believe the sun will come up tomorrow), then use statements which express what you currently Believe.

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
My fear is that if I stopped obsessing about (right now it's Jack), that he is secretly not liking me anymore and if I don't know it, and am blindsided by him telling me, I will be extra hurt.

How would you know if you had or hadn’t been “extra hurt”? I mean, in this scenario as you’ve presented it to us, you will only manifest one outcome, right? He will either do this or either do that. So, you will only experience one form of hurt, so you can’t compare it to see if it’s “extra” or “normal” hurt. And it's not like someone's invented an instrument to objectively quanitfy “hurt.” We simply know that our “hurt” sucks in our now. We might compare our now “hurt” to other “hurt” we've experienced before but, many times, that activity doesn't help us reach for our alignment. So, “extra hurt” is not a really helpful idea for you, is it?

And this gets back to my questions of you above. You have a story about “being blindsided” that’s unhelpful to you. And you will heap your story of being blindsided on top of whatever else is going on. (You saw yourself doing a similar thing to yourself with your To Do list, you’ll recall.) So, if you can start to soothe, dismantle and shift your story about “being blindsided,” you will be less likely to heap that story upon yourself and you won’t cause yourself your “extra hurt.” IOW, you are doing your “extra hurt.” So, it’s more effective to start a process where you don’t do your “extra hurt” in the first place rather than this unhelpful, NEVER-fruitful, uncomfortable, counter-productive, joy-eradicating habit of obsessing on unwanted scenarios.

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
But if I pre-emptively figured it out, I could save myself some heartache.

Since you have your personal archives and history available to you, what’s been your experience with that? Because I’m going to go out on a limb here and suggest that, if you didn’t heap this particular “being blindsided” story upon yourself, you would have heaped another unhelpful (“I’m not desirable”? “I pick the wrong ones”? “Everyone leaves”? etc.) story upon yourself to make yourself “extra hurt.”

That’s all right. Because these are things that you do, these are things that you can start to become aware of and then make some decisions about what you’d prefer to do in their steads. This is the control you DO have and this is where you want to be exercising your control.

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
I'm thinking that this stems from conditions,...

This doesn’t stem from conditions. It’s you, trying to manage conditions in your attempt to soothe the discomfort that comes from your own thoughts...in spite of your own report that this has NEVER had ANY benefit to you.

Now, it’s understandable why you might want to do this, but you yourself are telling us about the evidence that you’ve been getting about how this is uncomfortable and unproductive for you. So, rather than trying to control the uncontrollable (the conditions) you might want to try to control something you can control, your habits of thought?

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
...I've placed so much of my happiness on Jack liking me. I need him to like me in order to feel okay, and I have lived most of my life thinking that I need the validation of a man / boss / friends / strangers to feel like I'm okay.

That’s fine. BUT is that something that you want? Do you want place your happiness in the hands of another? Do you want to rely upon another in order to feel okay? Do you want to be a validation-junkie? (And do you want to read The Vortex which discusses all of this, just for you?)

Because all of these are stories that you are telling yourself. So, the first thing for you to do is to decide whether you want to continue to tell yourself these stories. You get to choose. This is your reality that you’re creating.

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
I can see, that my identifying this as a THOUGHT and not a FEELING (which I was tempted to do, so thanks for that, WB) that the thought "I need the validation of x to make me feel like I'm okay" is a fallacy. What I am really doing here has nothing to do with feelings, and everything to do with thoughts.

I would say this differently, which might give you some more power over this. I would agree with you that, from the standpoint of your IB, that thought is a fallacy and you can tell that your IB has a different opinion than this thought of yours, which is why you and I are calling it a “fallacy.” And you can know this for sure for yourself because it doesn’t feel any form of “good” as you think/write/say it.

But, as you can see, I think it has everything to do with feelings because that thought creates that awful feeling in you. (And, of course, that feeling is real. You’re having it. You’re not making any of this up. I get it.) You don’t like your awful feeling. (Nobody would.) So, you want to feel relief from your feeling. (Everybody would. You are hard-wired to want that.)

Where your train has been going off the track up until now is that you’ve been trying to find your relief by controlling the conditions (finding a husband, trying to extract the validations, etc.). But as we’ve been talking about, it’s not the conditions which are producing your awful feeling. It’s your thought--your fallacy--which is producing your awful feeling. So, that’s why we always bring it back to your thoughts, because you do have the ability to find a different thought. You have been known--I’m sure--to change your mind. Your different thought will produce for you a different feeling.

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
Really what is happening is that when I get validated by someone else, my thoughts about MYSELF change. My THOUGHTS change. Nothing else has changed by their verbal validation. Somebody else validating me makes my thoughts change...

Let’s say this better!

When I observe someone else validating me, I give myself permission to think different thoughts.


Because they’re not inserting thoughts into your head. You have your new thoughts at the ready. You just haven’t been willing to think those thoughts unless someone else is validating you. Since you are the one thinking those thoughts of yours, you COULD think those thoughts of yours whenever you want, even if someone else isn’t around to validate you.

So, how do those changed thoughts of yours feel? They feel better, don’t they? Why do they feel better? Because your IB is already thinking thoughts which are similar to the thoughts you changed to! And isn’t that a more meaningful form of “validation”? Don’t you want your validation to come from Source? Don’t you want your source of validation to be connected to Infinite Intelligence, as opposed to someone who might just want to get laid tonight? (I’m being extreme because I want to get your attention.)

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
...to believe that I am okay, And that's in turn feels better. But I'm using something that I can't control as a conduit to changing my thoughts, and that makes me feel understandably out of control. But see, if I didn't need Jack to like me so much in order for me to change my thoughts about myself, then I wouldn't obsess, because if he left, the heartache wouldn't feel so lethal.

So, how do I change my thoughts about myself without needing Jack, or anyone else to do it for me? I'm looking for step-by-step instructions here!
You give yourself permission, like you did when they are validating you, to think those changed thoughts that you would have thought in the face of their validation. Then you use the step-by-step instructions (and detailed examples) you’ve already attracted here in this thread.

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
And to answer the other question that I posed, that WB posed back at me...why does it (losing weight, life, whatever) have to be so hard? Hmm well I definitely have thoughts in my head that say that losing the last ten pounds is hard.

Let’s say that better!

I think thoughts of losing the last ten pounds is hard.

Don’t depersonalize it. Don’t give your power away. Don’t put this beyond your control. That’s your thought. You are thinking that, for whatever reason you are. Which means that you are ABLE to think a different thought, if you want to. Take back your power.

Because that thought is creating your reality where it’s hard. Are you creating your reality? Or are you letting your friends creating your reality for you? Just because your friends or your mother or every online forum you’ve ever been to says that it’s hard, it’s been hard for them because they have made it hard for them with thoughts like this one. If you don’t want it to be hard for you, find, think and practice different thoughts.

Because if you look at your “10 pounds” story, it sounds a lot like Abraham’s mocking of us when we beat the drum of “I don’t have enough money.” So, you can all of what follows Abraham’s mocking routine as inspiration for your way forward. And you might hear that inspiration more clearly because it might not get caught up in your “10 pounds” story.

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
And about life? Does life have to be hard? Well I kind of think that a difficult life is more honorable.

So, you’re saying that this is something that you want, then? (I’m presuming “more honorable” is something that you want.) And you’ve then manifested something that you want. You’ve focused upon it, you’ve told yourself the story so that you’ve lined up with it and you’ve allowed your more honorable, hard life. Good for you. So, then this is something to celebrate, not complain about, as you had been doing, right?

But, in case that this is something that you do not want, what does “honorable” mean? Who gets to decide what is “honorable”? Is there someone at the end of the road handing out grades for your life? What standards is that someone using to determine “honorable”? What “honor” are you given at the end of your road? (At this point, I should insert that Abraham tell us that there’s nothing like this which happens at the end of your road, so you might want to prepare yourself for that.)

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
I tell myself that an easy life is fluffy, not full of substance. Difficulty and challenge build character, and gives you a more realistic perspective of the world. People that lead easy lives aren't all that smart. Ignorance is bliss. Nothing worth having is easy to get. Gotta work hard, put your nose to the grindstone. These are the things I tell myself about life being easy and why struggle is important.

Similarly to the above, how do I change these beliefs?
Before we get to that, I think it’s important for you to ask which of these beliefs do you want to change? You get to choose. Not only that, but you get to choose which criteria you use to choose which beliefs you want.

Once you've decided which ones you want to change, you find thoughts which still seem true to you yet which feel better and practice those instead. You keep up finding your thoughts which still seem true to you (although that "true" will shift as you shift) yet which feel better. A Belief is just a thought that you keep thinking. You know you have the ability to change your mind.

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
The only think I think I have to go on is listening to my guidance system - which I know is accurate. The only way i know to listen to it is to a) listen to it b) if a thought makes me feel bad, ignore it. Pretty much fully reject it on the premise that unless I want more of it, I better find a way to think about something else. If I can't ignore it, soothe it, or take a nap or something.

If this is “the only way [you] know,” then it’s time for you to re-read an Abraham book. Because they have taught us more ways that just that one.

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
Is soothing better than ignoring? Or, just whatever makes me feel better? Cause sometimes, ignoring has been incredibly powerful.

Really? Because you haven’t been able to “ignore” a number of the issues you’ve been bringing to your thread. Even when it’s been suggested to you that you could withdraw your attention from them in that particular red-hot minute.

Why is it either/or? Why can’t it be “use them both, on the same issue”? “Better,” as you’re asking it here, is a judgement call; it’s a matter of opinion. You get to choose. I’m of the opinion that most humans are really lousy at “ignoring” and that we seldom “ignore” in the complete fashion that Abraham recommend. We do a sort of half-assed job at it for the most part (particularly when it comes to “problems,” because we’ve trained ourselves into being problem-solvers) so we don’t really get the relief from “ignoring.” I personally have found “ignoring” best used as a temporary measure, to help our unwanted momentum to subside. Then, when we’re no longer in the grip of our unwanted momentum, we can tend to our soothing.

Our vibration is where we last left it. Most of our issues or problems have enough momentum that they have manifested or are manifesting all around us and we have to deal with them. As practical humans, that makes it hard for us to effectively “ignore” for long enough that our vibration on our issue/problem rises. So, everytime we deal with/trip over our issue/problem, we usually pick up our vibration right where we last left it. Whilst it’s not a good idea to approach this “work” with the intention of solving our problem, if we want our problem to change, we’ll want to change our vibration about our problem first. So, for most people, “ignoring” alone is usually not an effective sole technique to rely upon, especially for issues/problems that we encounter regularly.

Quote Originally Posted by jakeysnakey View Post
Realizing that I have the ability to ignore something that makes me feel bad and instead, allow myself to feel good! That has been empowering in the past. Though obviously, I cannot always do it.

There’s your own answer, then, right?