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Thread: Transforming relation with someone

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    Transforming relation with someone

    Hello lovers!! I wanted to ask you for some advice on how to set a new point of attraction and transform relation with someone with whom you have had a past experience of lying etc but on the contrary you've seen their vortex version too. how to trust and evoke this most loving version of them instead of keeping active the negative experience with them. How to release it let yourself trust them again. I have had a recurring pattern with that person and now i would like to let go of how they treated me and love unconditionally.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lelicorne View Post
    Hello lovers!! I wanted to ask you for some advice on how to set a new point of attraction and transform relation with someone with whom you have had a past experience of lying etc but on the contrary you've seen their vortex version too.
    You set your PoA through your focus, because your PoA is all about the vibration you offer and you offer your vibration by directing your focus.

    If you want a new PoA, then you'll have to withdraw your attention from what they've done in the past (or what they are doing now, if that's displeasing to you) and focus instead on your Vortex version of them (because you can only really know your Vortex version of them, not theirs).

    Quote Originally Posted by lelicorne View Post
    how to trust and evoke this most loving version of them instead of keeping active the negative experience with them.
    You have the ability to withdraw your attention from your past. You do. But you can't get to where you're asking us by continuing to focus on your negative experience with them. As Abraham would say, "you can't get there from here." So, you've got to withdraw your attention from your past or leave your past in your past. And you can do that.

    Quote Originally Posted by lelicorne View Post
    How to release it let yourself trust them again.
    Part of what's tripping you up is that, when you say "trust," you mean it as "trust him never to behave in this way (these ways) again." The thing is you can't control him in that way. That's what Abraham mean when they tease us about "trying to control the uncontrollable."

    And that's understandable that you would approach this in this way. Almost everyone in the world is trying to do that. But you can't.

    But you can control how you feel, which is what you're wanting really. You see, you think the reason that you're feeling bad is because he lied. But that's not the case. You're feeling bad because you're using his past lies as your reason to hold yourself apart from your IB. THAT is what's causing your bad feeling. Think about it this way: If it was his lies which are making you feel bad, then since his lies were in the past, your bad feeling should have stopped when he stopped lying to you. Your bad feeling should have stopped in the past when his lying to you stopped. He's not any more lying to you so, if it were his lies which were the cause of your bad feelings, you would not be feeling bad now. And it's clear, from your OP, that you are feeling bad NOW. (That's all right.) Your logic must tell you that there has to be another cause for your bad feelings NOW. Abraham teach that the cause of all of our bad feelings is our own alignment.

    So, when Abraham (or we) talk about "trust," we mean "trust in your ability to hold your own alignment." And that's something that you'll have to practice yourself into. And like every other skill that you've learned, there's a learning curve during which you demonstrate to yourself the ability that you've been practicing. That's what "trust" is.

    Quote Originally Posted by lelicorne View Post
    I have had a recurring pattern with that person and now i would like to let go of how they treated me....
    There are two way of "letting go" of your resistance. They are both effective and you can do them concurrently.

    • Withdraw your attention for the topic of this person and your history with them and focus on a topic (any topic) which is easy for you to feel better about. Meditation is a form of this, so that Abraham Process falls into this category.
    • Find thoughts about your history with them which still seem true to you yet which feel better than the thoughts that you're currently telling yourself about them and your history together. Abraham have given us many Processes we can use to help us with that, if that's what you want.


    We have a whole sub-forum where our Forum friends are doing the latter approach for themselves. If you want to start your "work" here in this thread, a Moderator will be happy to move your thread over to the Practicing the Teachings sub-forum, where you can work in peace and attract the tips and pointers of our coaching types.
    Last edited by WellBeing; 2 Weeks Ago at 01:47 PM. Reason: Formatting

  3. #3
    Super Kitty Marc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lelicorne View Post
    how to trust and evoke this most loving version of them instead of keeping active the negative experience with them. How to release it let yourself trust them again.
    It's not about learning to trust THEM. It's about you discovering how you can feel better about them regardless of what they do. When Abraham has addressed the topic of relationships and someone brings up the issue of "lying," they point out that the only reason people lie is because it's in response to your attempts to control the conditions. In other words, people can feel that you need conditions to be a certain way, but they also want their own freedom and to do whatever they want to do. So telling you what they know you want to hear and doing what they want to do is the logical course. That's going to be the case as long as you need conditions to be just so in order to feel good. If you want that not to be an issue, then you've got to make peace with their freedom. They won't lie to you if they can feel that there's no negative consequence to telling you the truth. That's a long-winded way of saying that it's about learning how to feel better regardless of the conditions.

    As WB suggested, a great place to start is by reading The Vortex, as it's all about relationships and it also identifies many of the false premises that are the cause your negative emotions.

  4. #4
    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    It's not about learning to trust THEM. It's about you discovering how you can feel better about them regardless of what they do. When Abraham has addressed the topic of relationships and someone brings up the issue of "lying," they point out that the only reason people lie is because it's in response to your attempts to control the conditions. In other words, people can feel that you need conditions to be a certain way, but they also want their own freedom and to do whatever they want to do. So telling you what they know you want to hear and doing what they want to do is the logical course. That's going to be the case as long as you need conditions to be just so in order to feel good. If you want that not to be an issue, then you've got to make peace with their freedom. They won't lie to you if they can feel that there's no negative consequence to telling you the truth. That's a long-winded way of saying that it's about learning how to feel better regardless of the conditions.

    As WB suggested, a great place to start is by reading The Vortex, as it's all about relationships and it also identifies many of the false premises that are the cause your negative emotions.
    Marc that's a perfect answer..everything resonates with me and yes I have read all the abe's books, I did let my resistance in that relation to take over really and as you said I need to make peace with their freedom. i wrote about recurring pattern because I seek clarity what in my vibration evokes it. he is not lying to me anymore, but he is involved with someone and still wants to see me/meet me, which is confusing to me as I always have been very vocal with him and we both expressed interest, but it almost feels as i am only allowing my desire to certain degree and then resisting it. This is the second time he is with someone else telling me he desires me and I just am wondering what in my thought pattern makes him reflect that behavior. I admit it i want him, but more than that i want to feel good about this relation and his freedom. Wellbeing thank you for your message especially the part about real reason behind feeling bad

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    Super Kitty Marc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lelicorne View Post
    i wrote about recurring pattern because I seek clarity what in my vibration evokes it.
    I can't tell you specifically because I'm not in your head. What I can say is that what manifests is always a perfect match to what you think and how you feel. The nice thing about The Vortex is that Abraham describes a lot of common false premises. I suspect that if you read through them, you'll find that you resonate with a number of them there.
    Quote Originally Posted by lelicorne View Post
    he is not lying to me anymore, but he is involved with someone and still wants to see me/meet me, which is confusing to me as I always have been very vocal with him and we both expressed interest, but it almost feels as i am only allowing my desire to certain degree and then resisting it.
    An excellent and accurate observation. That's exactly what is happening, and is actually the way everything in your experience works.
    Quote Originally Posted by lelicorne View Post
    This is the second time he is with someone else telling me he desires me and I just am wondering what in my thought pattern makes him reflect that behavior.
    Well, what bothers you about that now? What bothered you about it the first time? It causes negative emotion, so there's resistance there.

  6. #6
    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post

    Well, what bothers you about that now? What bothered you about it the first time? It causes negative emotion, so there's resistance there.
    You're right, this is great chance to look at them again. an honest answer would be that what bothers me is him choosing other relations instead of the one with me but telling me he wants me. Now you made me think about making peace with their freedom so i guess this plays a part in it too. What bothered me before was the same thing, the difference is I said to myself and to him "that's okay, all is well anyway". their relationship ender shortly after and while we got together I was so insecure and was choosing to keep negative emotion and expectation active to the point that I am not suprised i created the same situation, because the way he behaves really reflects my mixed vibrations about him. I would love to be at place where i can flow love freely to him, not judging his actions instead.

  7. #7
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    lelicorne, you got great advice from our brilliant mods already, so there is not much to add. I do want to share some especially helpful quotes though, hoping they will clarify further

    In your PM, you also talked about some things not really being fair, and fairness is always a thing that has 2 sides, because both partners do have the desires that life caused them to have, and which are RIGHT *for them*. There are no "unfair" desires. Everybody has -rightly so- their unique preferences, and itīs not unfair for them to want- and follow them.

    If you want to deal with that or not is about *your* preferences. You get to choose every bit of that. But, if you GET your unique desires is solely about YOU, lining up with YOUR preferences.



    I Can Attract Relationships That Agree with My Desires


    People are not finding it difficult to find the mate of their dreams
    because that person is not out there,
    but because of their own contradiction to their own desire in the thoughts
    they offer about the subject every day.



    When you consistently offer thoughts about your future relationship
    that feel good while you think them, that means you are consistently
    matching the desires that you have discovered as you have lived life.

    And under those conditions, only someone in agreement
    with your desires could come to you.
    Under those conditions, no need for control is necessary.



    Through each exposure to interacting with others, you launch continuous
    rockets of desires of what you prefer.
    And only when you are a Vibrational Match to the culmination of those
    desires will you allow your rendezvous with someone who matches
    those intentions that you have gathered along your physical trail.



    ---Abraham, Excerpted from: The Vortex on August 31, 2009




    The Thoughts I Think Determine the Relationship I Attract

    You are the thinking, Vibrating attractor of your experience;
    and the thoughts you think determine everything about the life that you live.

    As you turn your attention toward the positive aspects of the personalities
    and behaviors of others with whom you share your planet, you
    will train your point of attraction in the direction of only what you desire.

    Not only does the power of your thought determine
    which people make their way into your life,
    but the power of your thought determines
    how they behave once they get there.


    ---Abraham,
    Excerpted from: The Vortex on August 31, 2009




    Dancing with fascinating rascals? (=Step 5)


    Sometimes Esther will say "that person is really really hard.
    Its just hard. Its just hard.
    That person rings my bells, yanks my chain. That person is hard."
    And every now and again she says: "TOO Hard"!
    "TOO Hard, not worth it! Too hard, NOT worth it!"

    -And you have to decide, when the path of least resistance
    says "too hard, NOT worth it",
    And when the path of least resistance says
    "too hard, BUT worth it!!"


    Abe, Asheville April 2015






    Relationships I Don't Want, Clarify Those I Do Want...


    Whenever you know what you do not want, you always know more clearly what you do want, so in a poignant moment of awareness of another person's undesirable situation, give your undivided attention to the idea of improvement that has hatched from your interaction/observation.

    And as you learn to do that, not only will you be of increasing value to others, but you will see how your relationships with others adds immeasurably to your own becoming.



    ---Abraham, Excerpted from: The Vortex on August 31, 2009





    Best explanation about Jealousy

    When you say "I am jealous about what other people have", what is ACTUALLY happening is: Youīve put things into your Vortex, which for whatever reason (...) you are depriving yourself of. You are not letting yourself move toward what you want! And so, in the not moving toward what you want, there is a gap, which feels uncomfortable. Feels unpleasant! And you are calling it "Jealousy", and you are assigning it to what others have accomplished.

    But it isnīt about what others HAVE accomplished, itīs only about what YOU are depriving yourself of!

    (...) Them having it is just pointing out, that they are in alignment, with whatever it is. And THAT is what you are feeling discomfort of: They are in alignment, and I am not. They are in alignment, and I am not!

    Well, to focus upon not being in alignment, is to hold oneself longer out of alignment. So what you wanna do is, think of the ways that you ARE often in alignment. Not in a comperative, "what others have" way, but comperative to how I feel under other-conditions-way.

    (...) You think, it is manifestation vs manifestations:
    "I donīt have these manifestations, these people do have this manifestations." So you think it is about that comparison: It is NOT! In fact, it doesnīt have to do ANYTHING to do with them, except that they are pointing out to you a gap in your OWN vibration.

    So, itīs not about them having, and you not having- itīs about you, not having the ALIGNMENT that you want.


    Mediterranean Cruise 2016.09.03 - 15, from
    the clip
    Abraham Hicks 2016 - Most amazing and clarifying explanation of jelousy (new)





    About getting your dream-relationship after big disappointments:


    "Different things will happen:
    You smell something, you hear a song, you see a car, youīll see someone-
    different things will happen that will cause you to go THERE (to remembering the unwanted). And when something causes you to go therego there.
    Take the hit of it, but THEN remember: What rockets of desire have you launched?

    And THEN turn your undivided attention to that and tell the new story.
    And then, the story you begin to tell- the story of relationship that you will begin to tell, is like:

    "I lived so much. And so much has come from what I have lived. And what I feel from my vibrational escrow, is that its brewing in a very big way. And I know that Iīm now nearly ready to allow that relationship to come to me.

    And I think, the reason that the relationship hasnīt come to me... -because I KNOW, I really lived enough that I created something wonderful, and I KNOW that Iīm often positive in my thought about it, and this is the thing that has been baffling me-

    I know I have been more positive than I have been negative, so why isnīt it coming? -and then I realize, that the reason it hasnīt been coming is that I have not letting it in.
    I lived so much, that I really want this to be SO GOOD, and I have this little thing stuck in my vibrational craw, and it goes like:

    "But what if I get it again?
    What if I think this is the real one, and it turns out not to be. And it ends up not being what Iīm really wanting. And now Iīm beginning to understand that this cannot possibly happen to me. Because, of all that Iīve lived I created this wonderful vibrational escrow.
    Iīve come too far. I know too much. That cannot happen to me, again.

    But that doesnīt explain why I havenīt not letting it come I havenīt letting it come, because THATīs the drum that I beat the most often. I beat the drum "I donīt wanna fail again- I donīt wanna it to be bad again."

    (...) But now, I know whatīs in my escrow. And every day all day I put more stuff in it, but Iīm writing the list of whatīs in my escrow, relative to this relationship. And here it is- speak it often!- here it is:

    Someone, who is in love with life.
    Someone, who is exhilerated about the day as I am.
    Someone who wakes up every morning, eager to have opportunitys
    to expand still further.
    Someone who is aware of his emotional guidance-system
    and who tends to his own vibrational gap.

    Someone, who- in our marriage-vows, we can look at each other, and say and mean it:
    "I like you pretty good, letīs see how it goes."
    Iow, further marriage vows:
    "I am not going to hold you responsible for how I feel.

    I promise you from this day forwards,
    that my happines is an inside-job.
    Iīm not gonna ask you to change in any way to make me happy.
    Iīm happy as much as I allow me to stay happy,
    and these are the vows that we exchange."

    And as you tell this story, and itīs our promise to you that your escrow is ripe enough,
    that with that story, youīll move right in there. And in VERY short time, youīll know. And when you meet this person, you will not have this feeling of "Iīm wondering if you are the one". You will have the KNOWING "you are the one!"

    You will move forwards so fast into this personīs experience, and this person moves so fast into your experience- you will see no hesitation on the part of the other, and you will feel no hesitation of the part of yourself. Because, you are in his escrow, as he is in yours.
    And when you- youīr the only missing piece here!- -when youīll get in there- you hook up.


    from the clip
    Abraham Hicks ~ Being positive after a relationship breakdown

  8. #8
    Super Kitty Marc's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by lelicorne View Post
    an honest answer would be that what bothers me is him choosing other relations instead of the one with me but telling me he wants me.
    Let's poke at this a little bit because I don't think you really got to the question I was trying to ask. You had talked before what the particular condition that bothered you, but what I'm suggesting that you look at is why does that bother you? What does him "choosing" you mean to you? What does him NOT "choosing" you (and instead choosing someone else and still telling you that he wants you) mean to you?

    Now you made me think about making peace with their freedom so i guess this plays a part in it too.
    Quote Originally Posted by lelicorne View Post
    What bothered me before was the same thing, the difference is I said to myself and to him "that's okay, all is well anyway".
    Those are nice words, but they don't really reflect how you actually feel, do they?
    Quote Originally Posted by lelicorne View Post
    their relationship ender shortly after and while we got together I was so insecure and was choosing to keep negative emotion and expectation active to the point that I am not suprised i created the same situation, because the way he behaves really reflects my mixed vibrations about him. I would love to be at place where i can flow love freely to him, not judging his actions instead.
    Right, and what that insecurity is all about gets to the answers to my previous questions. Outside validation isn't ever going to be something you can rely on, and when you believe you need that validation in order to feel good, that's at the heart of the feeling of insecurity. You're never going to be able to "trust" that in the way you're reaching for, or to attract the "most loving" version of someone in that way. Nobody is going to be in alignment 100% of the time and focused on you constantly so that you can feel good. That's not their job, they don't have the ability to do it, nor would it be beneficial for you if they could. That's why it really isn't about him or what he does. It's really about you learning how to be able to focus yourself back into alignment instead of trying to get others to do it for you.

  9. #9
    Quote Originally Posted by paradise-on-earth View Post
    lelicorne, you got great advice from our brilliant mods already, so there is not much to add. I do want to share some especially helpful quotes though, hoping they will clarify further

    In your PM, you also talked about some things not really being fair, and fairness is always a thing that has 2 sides, because both partners do have the desires that life caused them to have, and which are RIGHT *for them*. There are no "unfair" desires. Everybody has -rightly so- their unique preferences, and itīs not unfair for them to want- and follow them.

    If you want to deal with that or not is about *your* preferences. You get to choose every bit of that. But, if you GET your unique desires is solely about YOU, lining up with YOUR preferences.

    Thank you for pointing that out, you are absolutely right and while that is what i believe in my heart, i might've created some illusion in that relationship and divided our preferences into right or wrong. How free you made me feel with idea that each desire is right for the person having it. While i told him that i don't judge him i think i was doing just that, which would explain why it felt so disconnected, well that is quite far from that "pure love" vibration abe is talking about

  10. #10
    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    Let's poke at this a little bit because I don't think you really got to the question I was trying to ask. You had talked before what the particular condition that bothered you, but what I'm suggesting that you look at is why does that bother you? What does him "choosing" you mean to you? What does him NOT "choosing" you (and instead choosing someone else and still telling you that he wants you) mean to you?


    Those are nice words, but they don't really reflect how you actually feel, do they?

    Right, and what that insecurity is all about gets to the answers to my previous questions. Outside validation isn't ever going to be something you can rely on, and when you believe you need that validation in order to feel good, that's at the heart of the feeling of insecurity. You're never going to be able to "trust" that in the way you're reaching for, or to attract the "most loving" version of someone in that way. Nobody is going to be in alignment 100% of the time and focused on you constantly so that you can feel good. That's not their job, they don't have the ability to do it, nor would it be beneficial for you if they could. That's why it really isn't about him or what he does. It's really about you learning how to be able to focus yourself back into alignment instead of trying to get others to do it for you.

    It felt like lack of worthiness, watching this i felt someone else is getting what I want while my desire is not manifesting. Being aware of how disconnected from source that felt, like you said i made him the source of validation.

    Yes, they did reflect how i feel but i did not stay in that place for long

    Thank you Mark, i appreciate you elaborating on trust because i might have had some misunderstanding around that subject. It's like i have been afraid of not being able to control him, i tried to understand why when im in negative place i have the urge to stalk through social media etc, which is rather a projection not any relatable source. I was thinking a lot how feeling of "being hurt" by someone plays into this. it never felt good to make someone responsible for how I chose to view situation. It is about my alignment in the end, all this choices made by him i was translating as if i was not the worthy one, thinking about i felt he must have reflected it back to me

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