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Thread: How to be happy and fulfilled in my relationship

  1. #1

    How to be happy and fulfilled in my relationship

    Hi

    Here I am feeling much better now. My relationship with my boyfriend came to an end. We are friends now.

    My boyfriend (ex) told me that he no longer feels the same feeling and he told me that he thinks me too. It was him who initially decided to end the relationship.
    Of course, I felt the past of least resistance and deep down I said Yes, I understand it.

    Our relationship was good. He is kind of spiritual, sensitive, sweet, he is a nice person overall! I have nothing to say... the balance of everything about him is good!

    So, I am so accoustumated to have a boyfriend, him, that I am discovering what it feels like to not have one, he as boyfriend. I am focusing on my emotions.

    While this relationship was amazing and I am so glad I had it and have him as a friend now, there was contrast which is kind of difficult to hidden or not talk to because, that is the reason we are not dating.

    While I felt sad that he talked about ending the relationship, some moments I felt glad that he had the courage to talk to, because I also felt the contrast during the dating, and feel the relief. And while we were dating, sometimes there were moments where I felt unconfortable and asked silently for this relationship to end in a nice way. Then, days later, I was so happy that I wished so much that he becomes the man of my life... I feel so relaxed, calm, at home with him even now as friends. He feels like home to me! I like so much this feeling. I always told myself, that I am a woman of one man for all life and I felt happy with this idea. I wished so much that I only want to be dating (for real) this man and no one more, thatīs him, marrying, living together happily every-after.


    I feel relief and sadness. Sadness that I couldnīt make this relationship to become the one I want, irritated with him also because he could be with me and we would transform constrast together, and I also relief because I am free to do what I want.

    While I felt the contrast since the beginning of the relationship, we both felt the constrast, him on my side and I on his side, that culminated with this... I wanted things to turn out, to transform, to resolve so that instead of feeling the constrast we felt more appreciation and happiness to each other. That didnīt happen. So, overall, I feel powerless.

    I heard Abraham saying that, it is better to stay in the relationship and resolve the constrast (aligning, feeling better, meditate) than to leave the relationship because of the constrast. Also Abraham said that it is possible to resolve contrast and be happy forevermore in the same relationship without it to end.


    Should I write down the things I didnīt like, the things his constrast on me, my constrast on him with the purpose of soothing myself truly, and feeling better so that I have what I want?

    I listed good things about him but I felt like I love him and how good we are together. I don't want that feeling because he does not want to date me, and I also donīt need to be with him.

    Thank you very much in advance. I hope you understand me.

  2. #2
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Feelinggoodgoodfeeling View Post
    How to be happy and fulfilled in my relationship
    So, here's an interesting question to ask yourself: Which "relationship" are you meaning when you ask that question?

    Because you go on to tell us throughout most of your post that your relationship with your boyfriend has come to an end. So, in your awareness of that ending, right now, it might be more difficult, right now, to reach for a feeling of "fulfilled" when you look at that relationship. And you sort of describe that as your experience, don't you?

    HOWEVER, if you're meaning "my relationship...with my IB" (which is what Abraham and we would recommend), then you don't have those challenges. If that's what you mean (and that's what I would encourage you to mean), then being "happy and fulfilled" in your relationship with your IB is a simple matter of finding topics which feel better to you--even if it means withdrawing your attention from your ended relationship with your boyfriend--because that "better" is your indication that you're shifting your focus and your vibration towards the happiness and fulfillment that your IB is ALWAYS feeling for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Feelinggoodgoodfeeling View Post
    Here I am feeling much better now. My relationship with my boyfriend came to an end. We are friends now.

    My boyfriend (ex) told me that he no longer feels the same feeling and he told me that he thinks me too. It was him who initially decided to end the relationship.
    Of course, I felt the past of least resistance and deep down I said Yes, I understand it.

    Our relationship was good. He is kind of spiritual, sensitive, sweet, he is a nice person overall! I have nothing to say... the balance of everything about him is good!

    So, I am so accoustumated to have a boyfriend, him, that I am discovering what it feels like to not have one, he as boyfriend. I am focusing on my emotions.
    So, I gotta ask: what emotions do you feel as you re-read this passage? What's your emotional guidance telling you in that passage? And, more importantly, what are you doing with the emotional guidance that you're focusing upon?

    Because it's one thing to hit your thumb with a hammer and, when you feel the pain of that, understand that you don't want to do that anymore and so take steps to do something different (than hitting your thumb with a hammer) from now on. And it's quite another thing to understand that you don't want to do that anymore yet continue to pound on your thumb with your hammer. Can you see that distinction? And isn't rehashing (either in your head or in your OP or in this discussion) what had been really similar to continuing to pound on your thumb with your hammer? Is that what your emotional guidance system is telling you?

    Quote Originally Posted by Feelinggoodgoodfeeling View Post
    While this relationship was amazing and I am so glad I had it and have him as a friend now, there was contrast which is kind of difficult to hidden or not talk to because, that is the reason we are not dating.

    While I felt sad that he talked about ending the relationship, some moments I felt glad that he had the courage to talk to, because I also felt the contrast during the dating, and feel the relief.
    Now, here is a helpful use of your emotional guidance system. IOW, you're telling us that you were having emotional guidance about the thoughts that you were thinking about aspects of this relationship. In fact, you were having emotional guidance, letting you know that you weren't feeling happy and fulfilled with your relationship with your IB and then you weren't happy and fulfilled with your relationship with your boyfriend.

    Now, it's true--as you're telling us now--that there can be relief from our vibrational misalignment when someone withdraws our excuse for our vibrational misalignment from our experience. But there are other ways that we can go about finding our relief from our vibrational misalignment. That's good to know, because there are times when we don't want others to end or withdraw stuff from our experience just because we had temporarily fixated our focus on a small, unwanted portion of that stuff.

    So, notice that I underlined the word "excuse" up above. You see, as you're discovering and reporting to us here, the relationship wasn't the cause of the emotional discomfort you were feeling. Your focus and your thoughts were the cause of the emotional discomfort you were feeling. The relationship was simply your excuse for focusing how you were focusing and thinking what you were thinking. That's an important, because with your other relationships (such as with your co-workers or your friends or even us here on the Forum) you can start connecting the emotions that you're feeling with the thoughts that you're thinking (as you're feeling your emotions) and using that correlation to start to manage your vibration so that you feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship with your IB and in those relationships as well.

    Quote Originally Posted by Feelinggoodgoodfeeling View Post
    And while we were dating, sometimes there were moments where I felt unconfortable and asked silently for this relationship to end in a nice way. Then, days later, I was so happy that I wished so much that he becomes the man of my life... I feel so relaxed, calm, at home with him even now as friends. He feels like home to me! I like so much this feeling. I always told myself, that I am a woman of one man for all life and I felt happy with this idea. I wished so much that I only want to be dating (for real) this man and no one more, thatīs him, marrying, living together happily every-after.

    I feel relief and sadness.
    So, here's a good example of what I was just talking about. But before I get to that, I'm going to insert an Abraham story, which you may have heard before:

    A woman is in the HS and she says: Abraham, my lover left and now I'm sad.
    Abraham: No, you're not.
    HS (startled, explaining): No, Abraham, you don't understand. I'm sad because my lover left me.
    Abraham: No, you're not.
    HS (more emphatically): Abraham, I was with my lover. I was happy. My lover left me. Now, I'm sad. I'm sad because my lover left me.

    Abraham's point was that her conclusion (that she was sad because her lover left her) was vibrationally inaccurate and that's important to note because that led her to some other inaccurate conclusions. When we come to the conclusion "I'm sad because my lover left me," then we come to the next conclusion that the way we feel better from our sadness is to get a lover (either the former one or another one). That might seem difficult to many in that woman's situation. But when we understand, as Abraham explained to her and as I'm explaining to you, that our sadness is not because of the absence of lover, our sadness is because of our absence of relationship with our IB, then we have a different, often clearer, usually easier path to relief from our sadness.

    You see, you're telling this story as if you're sad (because that's what you go on to focus upon) because he ended this relationship. But, as my story highlighted, that's not the case. You're sad now because you're separating yourself from the relationship with your IB. You're looking at the Lack of this stick, when your IB never looks at the Lack end of any stick. You're thinking thoughts about him and about you that your IB will not join you in.

    Quote Originally Posted by Feelinggoodgoodfeeling View Post
    Sadness that I couldnīt make this relationship to become the one I want, irritated with him also because he could be with me and we would transform constrast together, and I also relief because I am free to do what I want.

    While I felt the contrast since the beginning of the relationship, we both felt the constrast, him on my side and I on his side, that culminated with this... I wanted things to turn out, to transform, to resolve so that instead of feeling the constrast we felt more appreciation and happiness to each other. That didnīt happen. So, overall, I feel powerless.
    Now, you could look for the thoughts that you're thinking that are causing your feeling of Powerlessness. (It wouldn't be hard to find them. They're right there on the surface for you.) But Abraham's "only one answer" is "feel better," not "feel better...on this topic before you." Sure, you have the ability to feel better on this topic before you and that really comes in handy when you keep tripping over this topic before you (say, like with money or our bodies). But isn't it a lot easier and more likely to be more effective to "feel better" (Abraham's "only one answer"--no asterisk or fine-print) by withdrawing your hand/attention/focus from this hot stove and focusing on something that's easy for you to feel really good about instead?

    Quote Originally Posted by Feelinggoodgoodfeeling View Post
    I heard Abraham saying that, it is better to stay in the relationship and resolve the constrast (aligning, feeling better, meditate) than to leave the relationship because of the constrast. Also Abraham said that it is possible to resolve contrast and be happy forevermore in the same relationship without it to end.
    You've heard them correctly. They have said these things. I'm not connecting your accurate recollections of what Abraham have said to the situation you're posting about now, though.

    Quote Originally Posted by Feelinggoodgoodfeeling View Post
    Should I write down the things I didnīt like, the things his constrast on me, my constrast on him with the purpose of soothing myself truly, and feeling better so that I have what I want?
    Lets start in a different place. What's your intention behind this question? What are you wanting to accomplish? Because Abraham's "only one answer" is find your happiness and fulfillment in the one place where it is (with your IB) not where it isn't (with any of the rest of us humans, even your boyfriend). So, if you're wanting to find your happiness and fulfillment in the one place where it is (with your IB), then you'll probably have an easier time of that by getting off this topic and focusing instead on some other topic which is easy for you to feel wonderful about. Then you'll be moving closer to experiencing the happiness and fulfillment that your IB is shining towards you all day every day.

    Oh, oh, oh! Let's ask this question: What is "fulfillment"? Isn't it being filled full of the goodness that you are? Isn't it being filled full of your worthiness? Isn't it being filled full of the Love that's all around you? I could go on but all of that (and the other answers that could come from my train of thought) comes from your IB, not any other human on the face of this earth.

    Now, you and I have chatted a lot, haven't we? So, I have a pretty good sense that you're wanting to Abe up a boyfriend (either this one or another) and that it's likely that you might want to wrestle this subject to the ground and kill it. So, even though I, personally, would stick with what I've already suggested, you may want to keep in mind that Abraham teach us that the optimal attitude for joyous creation is "satisfied with where you are and eager for more." Can you see how your OP suggests an emotion that's different than "satisfied with where you are." So, if I were in your situation, I would start there. How can you feel better about where you are right now, without needing anything to change first? You've shared a variety of thoughts here in your OP which don't sound like they feel any form of "good." Some of them are about him and his decision, but a lot of them are about your role in your co-creating with him, about your prospects, about what relationships mean to you, etc. (And isn't it easier to just not go near that hot stove?)

    Quote Originally Posted by Feelinggoodgoodfeeling View Post
    I listed good things about him but I felt like I love him and how good we are together. I don't want that feeling because he does not want to date me,...
    And this is why I'm suggesting you step away from this topic, because you're smart. You've been paying attention. You tried your old tried-and-true way and you felt the emotional discomfort of that. You felt how your list of positive aspects didn't help you to really feel better. Instead, it just inflamed your awareness of the absence of him or of his decision or of how he's a great big, doodie-head for having made his decision.

    So, withdraw your attention from this topic and focus instead on a topic that thrills you. Give that a shot. Why? To get him back? No, that's not it. To get another boyfriend down the road? Maybe. More guys are attracted to those who are thrilled than to those who are (and I'm not saying that you are or, if you are, I'm NOT saying that's inappropriate) mopey. But focus on a topic that thrills you because it feels better to you right now to feel a little thrilled than any sort of--say--mopey, right?

  3. #3
    Quote Originally Posted by WellBeing View Post
    So, here's an interesting question to ask yourself: Which "relationship" are you meaning when you ask that question?

    Because you go on to tell us throughout most of your post that your relationship with your boyfriend has come to an end. So, in your awareness of that ending, right now, it might be more difficult, right now, to reach for a feeling of "fulfilled" when you look at that relationship. And you sort of describe that as your experience, don't you?

    HOWEVER, if you're meaning "my relationship...with my IB" (which is what Abraham and we would recommend), then you don't have those challenges. If that's what you mean (and that's what I would encourage you to mean), then being "happy and fulfilled" in your relationship with your IB is a simple matter of finding topics which feel better to you--even if it means withdrawing your attention from your ended relationship with your boyfriend--because that "better" is your indication that you're shifting your focus and your vibration towards the happiness and fulfillment that your IB is ALWAYS feeling for you.

    So, I gotta ask: what emotions do you feel as you re-read this passage? What's your emotional guidance telling you in that passage? And, more importantly, what are you doing with the emotional guidance that you're focusing upon?
    I understand that it is a matter of remembering that it is all a relationship with my Inner Being. Maybe I didnīt focused well enough, maybe I didnīt distract myself enough... even if I went general most of the times when contrast arrived and focused in the good things we were living. Okay, My power lies in the now and Now itīs where all power is. I can feel that my inner being loves me and tells me that all is well.

    Today I slept very well and woke up appreciating my body. I did a list of things I sincerily appreciate. I immediately had lunch with my family including my two sweet nieces who were calling me joyously to the table. I listened some musics, did some pilates exercises, had a good shower and wore confortable clothes.
    I am doing my best, I believe. I can feel that my inner being is always loving me, showering love love from the inside. I am so grateful to sometimes feel it. It is like the love of God or the Universe or Source, that I know is always for me and with me, loving me, giving me things to appreciate and have a good life.

    Right now I feel much better. I can enjoy little things of my day. All is well with me. I am healthy, I like my body and I am taking care of myself. I am planning doing more things that I like such as Yoga, Pilates and going to the gym. I would love to be able to do lots of yoga and pilates poses with my wonderful body! Last time I was at the gym, my professor told me that my body streches very well and it made me feel proud of me and happy. Theses kind of exercises I do without effort and it feels good to do it. I discoveried a sports club at my town also.

    Quote Originally Posted by WellBeing View Post
    Because it's one thing to hit your thumb with a hammer and, when you feel the pain of that, understand that you don't want to do that anymore and so take steps to do something different (than hitting your thumb with a hammer) from now on. And it's quite another thing to understand that you don't want to do that anymore yet continue to pound on your thumb with your hammer. Can you see that distinction? And isn't rehashing (either in your head or in your OP or in this discussion) what had been really similar to continuing to pound on your thumb with your hammer? Is that what your emotional guidance system is telling you?


    Now, here is a helpful use of your emotional guidance system. IOW, you're telling us that you were having emotional guidance about the thoughts that you were thinking about aspects of this relationship. In fact, you were having emotional guidance, letting you know that you weren't feeling happy and fulfilled with your relationship with your IB and then you weren't happy and fulfilled with your relationship with your boyfriend.

    Now, it's true--as you're telling us now--that there can be relief from our vibrational misalignment when someone withdraws our excuse for our vibrational misalignment from our experience. But there are other ways that we can go about finding our relief from our vibrational misalignment. That's good to know, because there are times when we don't want others to end or withdraw stuff from our experience just because we had temporarily fixated our focus on a small, unwanted portion of that stuff.

    So, notice that I underlined the word "excuse" up above. You see, as you're discovering and reporting to us here, the relationship wasn't the cause of the emotional discomfort you were feeling. Your focus and your thoughts were the cause of the emotional discomfort you were feeling. The relationship was simply your excuse for focusing how you were focusing and thinking what you were thinking. That's an important, because with your other relationships (such as with your co-workers or your friends or even us here on the Forum) you can start connecting the emotions that you're feeling with the thoughts that you're thinking (as you're feeling your emotions) and using that correlation to start to manage your vibration so that you feel happy and fulfilled in your relationship with your IB and in those relationships as well.
    (...)
    You see, you're telling this story as if you're sad (because that's what you go on to focus upon) because he ended this relationship. But, as my story highlighted, that's not the case. You're sad now because you're separating yourself from the relationship with your IB. You're looking at the Lack of this stick, when your IB never looks at the Lack end of any stick. You're thinking thoughts about him and about you that your IB will not join you in.
    So, yes, I want to be happy and fulfilled with my IB at all times to then be able to be happy and fulfilled with my boyfriend, friends, family, everyone. Regarding the constrast of this relationship, I decided that I want to feel good regardless of that. I want to acept it, let it be. This time, now, I want to feel different about it and I can feel better about it. I've proved myself that I can feel better regarding other topics, so in relationships, I can live what I want also. I believe. Maybe I donīt know how for now, but my task it to just accept it, appreciate what is. It is all okay, actually.

    Quote Originally Posted by WellBeing View Post
    Now, you could look for the thoughts that you're thinking that are causing your feeling of Powerlessness. (It wouldn't be hard to find them. They're right there on the surface for you.) But Abraham's "only one answer" is "feel better," not "feel better...on this topic before you." Sure, you have the ability to feel better on this topic before you and that really comes in handy when you keep tripping over this topic before you (say, like with money or our bodies). But isn't it a lot easier and more likely to be more effective to "feel better" (Abraham's "only one answer"--no asterisk or fine-print) by withdrawing your hand/attention/focus from this hot stove and focusing on something that's easy for you to feel really good about instead?
    I think I am more consistent in feeling good and in time I will withdraw the constrast. Now is where my power is. I can have good thoughts. I can choose to be happy in my relationship with my IB who is always with me... guiding me into feeling good.


    Quote Originally Posted by WellBeing View Post
    Lets start in a different place. What's your intention behind this question? What are you wanting to accomplish? Because Abraham's "only one answer" is find your happiness and fulfillment in the one place where it is (with your IB) not where it isn't (with any of the rest of us humans, even your boyfriend). So, if you're wanting to find your happiness and fulfillment in the one place where it is (with your IB), then you'll probably have an easier time of that by getting off this topic and focusing instead on some other topic which is easy for you to feel wonderful about. Then you'll be moving closer to experiencing the happiness and fulfillment that your IB is shining towards you all day every day.

    Oh, oh, oh! Let's ask this question: What is "fulfillment"? Isn't it being filled full of the goodness that you are? Isn't it being filled full of your worthiness? Isn't it being filled full of the Love that's all around you? I could go on but all of that (and the other answers that could come from my train of thought) comes from your IB, not any other human on the face of this earth.

    Now, you and I have chatted a lot, haven't we? So, I have a pretty good sense that you're wanting to Abe up a boyfriend (either this one or another) and that it's likely that you might want to wrestle this subject to the ground and kill it. So, even though I, personally, would stick with what I've already suggested, you may want to keep in mind that Abraham teach us that the optimal attitude for joyous creation is "satisfied with where you are and eager for more." Can you see how your OP suggests an emotion that's different than "satisfied with where you are." So, if I were in your situation, I would start there. How can you feel better about where you are right now, without needing anything to change first? You've shared a variety of thoughts here in your OP which don't sound like they feel any form of "good." Some of them are about him and his decision, but a lot of them are about your role in your co-creating with him, about your prospects, about what relationships mean to you, etc. (And isn't it easier to just not go near that hot stove?)


    And this is why I'm suggesting you step away from this topic, because you're smart. You've been paying attention. You tried your old tried-and-true way and you felt the emotional discomfort of that. You felt how your list of positive aspects didn't help you to really feel better. Instead, it just inflamed your awareness of the absence of him or of his decision or of how he's a great big, doodie-head for having made his decision.

    So, withdraw your attention from this topic and focus instead on a topic that thrills you. Give that a shot. Why? To get him back? No, that's not it. To get another boyfriend down the road? Maybe. More guys are attracted to those who are thrilled than to those who are (and I'm not saying that you are or, if you are, I'm NOT saying that's inappropriate) mopey. But focus on a topic that thrills you because it feels better to you right now to feel a little thrilled than any sort of--say--mopey, right?
    I really enjoy chatting with you Well Being! I am so happy when you answer my threads. Before reading it, I can sense that something wonderful will come out of your words. There is something new in what you write always.
    I simply found it so inspiring: "Oh, oh, oh! Let's ask this question: What is "fulfillment"? Isn't it being filled full of the goodness that you are? Isn't it being filled full of your worthiness? Isn't it being filled full of the Love that's all around you? I could go on but all of that (and the other answers that could come from my train of thought) comes from your IB, not any other human on the face of this earth."

    You know me well by now, WB. Yes, I want to "Abe up a boyfriend" and be happy and fulfilled with myself, life. It is so nice to have the company and the attention of someone I love, who is always there for me, with whom I can count on. I like being in a relationship. Though I know it is all about the relationship with the love I feel in the relationship with my IB, Source, Universe, God.

  4. #4
    Super Moderator WellBeing's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by Feelinggoodgoodfeeling View Post
    Today I slept very well and woke up appreciating my body. I did a list of things I sincerily appreciate. I immediately had lunch with my family including my two sweet nieces who were calling me joyously to the table. I listened some musics, did some pilates exercises, had a good shower and wore confortable clothes.
    I am doing my best, I believe.
    There you go! You got your hand off the stove. You found your way to more of the love that your IB was/is flowing to you, by withdrawing your focus from this issue. Good for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Feelinggoodgoodfeeling View Post
    So, yes, I want to be happy and fulfilled with my IB at all times to then be able to be happy and fulfilled with my boyfriend, friends, family, everyone.
    THAT is the trap. When you turn your focus to them or what they might be doing or being, you have removed your focus from your IB where your happiness and fulfillment is. The ONLY place your happiness and fulfillment is is your alignment with your IB, not "them." "They" are simply playmates who come together to romp in your own individual alignments. (And if you're looking at them and noticing that they're not aligned, in that moment, you're not aligned either.)

    Quote Originally Posted by Feelinggoodgoodfeeling View Post
    Regarding the constrast of this relationship, I decided that I want to feel good regardless of that. I want to acept it, let it be. This time, now, I want to feel different about it and I can feel better about it. I've proved myself that I can feel better regarding other topics, so in relationships, I can live what I want also. I believe. Maybe I donīt know how for now, but my task it to just accept it, appreciate what is. It is all okay, actually.
    Good for you.

    Quote Originally Posted by Feelinggoodgoodfeeling View Post
    Yes, I want to "Abe up a boyfriend"...
    There isn't any one of us who hasn't or doesn't want to do that from time to time. I only point that out because that's something that will trip us up each and every time.

    Quote Originally Posted by Feelinggoodgoodfeeling View Post
    ...and be happy and fulfilled with myself, life.
    So, if you can hear this and get this--and I expect that you will hear this and get this--you'll be off and running. Your "happy" and your "fulfilled" NEVER comes from your boyfriend or any other. It ALWAYS comes from your IB. As I said above, "they" are just playmates.

  5. #5
    Quote Originally Posted by WellBeing View Post
    There you go! You got your hand off the stove. You found your way to more of the love that your IB was/is flowing to you, by withdrawing your focus from this issue. Good for you.


    THAT is the trap. When you turn your focus to them or what they might be doing or being, you have removed your focus from your IB where your happiness and fulfillment is. The ONLY place your happiness and fulfillment is is your alignment with your IB, not "them." "They" are simply playmates who come together to romp in your own individual alignments. (And if you're looking at them and noticing that they're not aligned, in that moment, you're not aligned either.)


    (...)


    So, if you can hear this and get this--and I expect that you will hear this and get this--you'll be off and running. Your "happy" and your "fulfilled" NEVER comes from your boyfriend or any other. It ALWAYS comes from your IB. As I said above, "they" are just playmates.


    Thank you WellBeing, I hear you.

    I started today to allow myself to connect more with my IB and will continue to make it the most relevant relationship in my life.

    It feels like relief to know that this is the way to be truly fulfilled. Instead of caring about what others are doing or what they think, and using that time to align with my Inner Being... it is the most wonderful thing to do.

  6. #6
    There is a nice man with whom I have been talking to and I already appreciate many things about him.



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