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Thread: Pingan’s practice

  1. #2121
    Okay i did it. I wrote to a friend and tried to find the words that were a match to who I am rather than a match to anxiety and doubt.
    And it was better. Easier. More sure of myself.



  2. #2122
    New theme

    Immediately I’m feeling familiar feeling of stress and pressure.

    But it’s not about the baby crying or any other condition. It’s about the past and my thoughts around my dad being like a hovering threat that was so often around.

    I feel like I’m being badgered and threatened and yelled at. I feel like he’s stalking around and about to come back to my room and angrily and violently drag me out of bed.

    ****. He was the worst. Just the worst person to live with. A human migraine.
    I don’t want to keep feeling like this.
    I’m safe now. I’m free now he can’t come here.



  3. #2123
    Feeling bad about my house right now. But it’s not about my current circumstances, it’s about my past experiences and the thoughts I practiced from that time.

    What are the thoughts and experiences?
    “My home isn’t good enough; I’m stuck in this bad feeling place and I have no way of getting out or going somewhere else. There’s nowhere else for me to go. I’m stuck here in this hellhole. This shitty situation.”

    Okay it’s not really about my home, it’s about myself and my reality. The original thoughts are about me.

    With the emotional neglect and verbal abuse and domestic violence, I concluded for myself that my life was worthless and my experience wasn’t worth living UNLESS I could transcend it somehow. Find the pearl of great price. I made it my own parable of finding a treasure in the dirt.

    So....I keep thinking my reality is worthless...from back then. From that time I have the thought of “this is worthless. This is pointless. There is NOTHING good here. This is not worthwhile. This life is not worth living”

    But I didn’t appreciate that it was my practiced thought based on past conditions and that I was thereby keeping it alive. I was keeping myself in that strong feeling of misalignment and something wrong.

    So now when I think I feel bad because I live in a cramped one-bedroom unit and I don’t have enough money to get a better home that I can enjoy and be proud of...

    In fact I feel bad because I think my existence is not worthwhile because I haven’t attained a more valid state of being that justifies me relaxing and feeling good.

    It’s not my conditions...though I perceive them as a match to my thoughts. But the thoughts themselves originate in an experience of misalignment. No, the thoughts are misalignment themselves.

    I looked at conditions and I calibrated to emotional neglect and verbal abuse and domestic violence. And I let them define my sense of normality. And I rightly concluded that such a normalcy was not bearable. I had to find a way out. But I ruled out running away because I didn’t know where to go. And I couldn’t think of anything else. So I decided to shut down and try not to react. And then eventually I found the promise of spiritual freedom by somehow finding the true nature of reality and leaving behind my “normal” as an illusion and lie.

    I have been trying so hard to spot the doorway to my true reality. The portal or the key that would free me from the awful normalcy I accepted.

    I felt better when I told myself that this reality was an illusion and I was going to find he true reality and find the liberation from suffering and the eternal freedom of God and of truth and of pure being.

    But when I couldn’t find it, the backlash was awful.

    I’m connecting the dots. I’m recognising what was going on and how I’ve kept these thoughts active.

    I was abused and neglected. And I calibrated to the abuse and neglect. I accepted that they were my “normal” even though they felt terrible. I accepted them as reality, and then sought to overthrow reality itself.

    I couldn’t accept that reality. So I sought to transcend reality. I didn’t know there was a third way.

    The third way is to change my vibration and keep up with my desires and create a better reality. A reality where I have love instead of neglect, love instead of abuse, joy instead of suffering.

    I was creating by default, sensitive and compliant and eager to please them. I took to heart their realities and let them dominate my experience.

    But it doesn’t have to be that way. I am not helpless and never was; I just didn’t know. I don’t need or really want to “transcend” reality.....I just didn’t know that my experience of contrast was blasting rockets of desire into nonphysical, and that my “prayers” were being answered, and that I had the ability to align with them. I had the ability to find relief in better feeling thoughts. And that genuine relief would - and still will - translate into the reality I have been asking for.

    I disavowed “worldly” pleasures and joys as worthless because I thought they couldn’t overcome or compensate my suffering and that was true....they wouldn’t buck my vibration. But now I know that I can turn lead into gold. I can transform that shitty contrast into gold. I can actually create a new normal that is joyful for me.



  4. #2124
    And here is the crux: a life that is joyful for me...yet I have resistance. I feel scared of being joyful and what will happen if I am happy.

    Because my narcissist gaslighting father and psychopath sister hated it when I felt joyful, and loved it when I was confused and upset and hurt. They loved dominating me. And I acclimatised to that relationship and sought permission and justification for feeling good.

    I accepted that my feeling happy was only grudgingly acceptable at best. They wanted me to be happy only on their terms and went out of their way to undermine me when I was independently feeling good.

    So, like needing lots of money to justify having a nice house, I think I need an unassailable defence if I am to feel joyful.

    I don’t want to feel joyful unless I can do it with complete security and freedom.

    I am convinced they WILL attack me if I am joyful, and by being miserable and withdrawn I hide from their attention.

    This is why I have remained suffering despite living my own life. They aren’t here now, but I still subdue my own happiness.

    I create my reality, and that includes negativity from people like my dad and my sister.

    But I want joy. I want a better life. I want happiness. I want love. I want what is in my vortex. I really want joy! I want to feel my freedom!

    So, even if my happiness seems to provoke an attack from my dad or my sister or someone else...am I going to stop feeling happy? Am I going to limit my connection with Source so they don’t seem upset? No.

    Besides. That was the contrast I chose to be born into. It actually doesn’t follow the laws of the universe. LoA will not bring me attacks when I am letting myself feel good, unless I am a match to it.

    I would like, right now, to start allowing myself to feel happiness. I want to allow the joy and love and happiness that is in my vortex to flow into me.

    And I will only attract love and joy and happiness from others. And if there is any hint of negativity, I will soothe myself and replenish myself and continue giving myself what I have withheld for way longer than I wanted.

    I am letting myself have the joy and love and ease I have accumulated with so many years of asking and desiring.



  5. #2125
    Good things can happen to me now. Good things can come to me now. Because I am allowing myself to have the joy and love and happiness and relief and ease I so long desired.



  6. #2126
    So we just got home from a friends beautiful home.


    My feeling about my home is “this just doesn’t work; how can this possibly work? These things aren’t working”


    But it’s old thoughts from old experiences. The experience of being dragged into pointless exercises by dad. Recognising that he wasn’t coping, and above all thinking that I didn’t know what I was doing.


    I feel bad about my home because we are trying to fit a family of five in a one bedroom apartment and make it work. But how can it possibly work unless we drastically change; and why should we have to change to adapt to an unwanted situation?


    That’s the key. As a kid: here’s some kind of unwanted situation, and I think I have to adapt to it. I’m being asked to adapt to it and help accomplish something that doesn’t make sense.


    Ahhh and I thought I was missing something. I got blamed for not following instructions correctly. I got called an idiot. And I believed it. I believed there was something wrong with me for not understanding. But he never intended for me to help him. He was expressing his anger and resentment. He was putting me in a situation with inadequate support or help or instructions, because he wanted me to feel helpless too.


    So this feeling that it’s absurd for me to be living in this place, it’s not really about this place.


    Why is it absurd? Because I’ve outgrown my home. My family has expanded beyond our current resources. We can’t go backwards - that’s absurd. We have to keep up with our expansion. I have to keep up with my expansion and that means feeling good about my expansion and not asking “how”.




    There’s something else.


    I feel ashamed of where we are in this home. I feel ashamed of having five people in such a small space. And ashamed of it being cluttered.


    I feel ashamed when my son asks for a new house.


    But this shame pre-exists. This shame comes from my thoughts not from circumstances.


    This shame:
    “You’re a loser. You have no good qualities. You can’t do anything. No one’s going to want to be with you. You’re such a loser”


    Again, my psychopathic sister. But I know her tactics now. She was just trying to hurt me to make herself feel better.


    I was ashamed later on when fear and anxiety and self doubt stopped me doing what I wanted to do.


    I was ashamed when I hid and pretended to be sick while my friends were having fun. I let my fear of shame and humiliation rule me.


    I am so ashamed of myself and so preemptively ashamed of humiliation. And when I confided in my dad about this, he went and told my friends in front of me how I’d been crying and upset.


    Truly a terrible father. What an arsehole. What a narcissist.


    But I’ve held onto my fear of humiliation and of shame, and it does not serve me.


    My fear is that others will realise they can bully me and harass me and dominate me and I will become like a rag doll who takes whatever awfulness they dish out.


    But that is because it happened with my dad and my sister. That too is just a practiced thought and emotional narrative. My goddam father broke me down and I surrendered complete control. I surrendered complete control. And later I took control of myself.


    That’s why I feel so violated and ashamed on top of everything else. I surrendered control to my narcissistic domineering abusive father.


    I stopped defying or standing up for myself. I surrendered. And I feel ashamed and vulnerable to all kinds of humiliation. I hated myself for surrendering. I hated myself for giving up. I hated myself for surrendering to him. I’m so sorry that I stopped defending myself. I’m so sorry I stopped fighting. I’m so sorry I gave up.


    .......


    And all my défenses now are paper thin. Avoidant. Superficial. Nothing to back them up. Because I already chose to surrender.


    I put up these facades. I put up these words. But my true defence and ownership of my own life is lifeless.


    I maintain a facade and keep moving myself around to try not to get caught or pinned down.


    It’s like I’m inwardly on the run.


    But yes, I surrendered my self to my abuser. And I hate and feel ashamed for having done that. And I’ve lived in the shadow of that surrender.
    ........


    I’m feeling the pain and hurt and shame of having surrendered.
    Beneath that, my thoughts are that I can’t do anything when someone decides to dominate me.
    But that isn’t true. It’s not true at all. If someone really tries to dominate me, I can choose to fight. I can choose to hurt them until they regret their decision. I can make them back down. I can make them suffer.
    It’s important to know that I’m not a helpless child anymore. I have strength and resources and intelligence and experience. I am vastly experienced.
    But even more than that, I know my connection to Source energy. I know that I create my reality. I know that I cannot be dominated unless I create that. I know that I can’t even be threatened unless I create that. I know that nothing bad can happen to me unless I attract it.


    What is surrender? It is accepting that I am powerless to create my reality. It is believing that others are more powerful and more in control. It is not even trying to defy others. It is giving up on having my own desires and preferences.


    So what is the opposite of surrender?
    It is sovereignty. It is complete and total authority. It is authorship. It is strength and power. It is autonomy. It is autarky. It is alignment. It is knowing what I want and lining up with it. It is knowing my worth and my value. It is knowing that my power is unsurpassed. Because no one can even make me surrender. I chose to surrender and even my surrender was a facade and an illusion and a self-imposed slavery.


    I have had complete power the whole time. I was so free I could choose bondage. And I can choose something else.

  7. #2127
    Another theme:

    Bad memories that feellike shame. But now I know the shame came from my dad and sister attacking me for any reason, making it seem like my judgement was so bad and that other people must think I’m an idiot or a dickhead or a loser. Or secretly hate me now.

    “I did the wrong thing, they must hate me now”.

    How am I so certain about that?
    Who told me it was wrong? Who told me it was bad? No, I’m just tapping into my own practiced thoughts of shame and loathing.

    “You’re nothing. You’re disgusting. You’re terrible”
    But those aren’t my words. Those are the words, the false reports of people who wanted to make me feel bad so they could feel better.

    They were the false ones. They were the ones with the facade. They were the disgusting ones. They were the terrible ones.

    So what am I like?
    I am pure positive energy.
    I am Source energy.
    I am love and appreciation.
    I am wonderful.
    I am holy
    I am light.
    I am divine.

    And it is up to me which thoughts I hold.
    Ahhh this is where I either surrender again to their awful words, or claim my rightful authority and choose to feel good.

    Everyone loves me. Everyone cares about me. I am wonderful. I am beautiful. I am good. I am great. I love myself. I support myself. I look after myself. I take care of myself.



  8. #2128
    I’m only going to feel good if I align with my inner being.

    The work I’m doing helps me remember and tell a new story of my past and present.

    When I think about my home again I still feel like something is wrong.

    But it’s much better than before.

    I want to clean it up further. I want to feel really good on this subject.

    Ironically how I feel is “I need to do something about this. It’s irritating and tiresome.”

    Which is a huge improvement over shameful and helpless!



  9. #2129
    I’m cleaning up my vibration.
    And as I clean that stuff up, I’m closer to the point of just following Abe advice standard. The point of letting my cork float, finding positive aspects, segment intending, focus wheels.
    I’m getting to the point of being able to bring lots of positives forward, without the old habits of thought that were holding me back.



  10. #2130
    Quote Originally Posted by pingan View Post
    I’m cleaning up my vibration.
    And as I clean that stuff up, I’m closer to the point of just following Abe advice standard. The point of letting my cork float, finding positive aspects, segment intending, focus wheels.
    I’m getting to the point of being able to bring lots of positives forward, without the old habits of thought that were holding me back.
    So for now focus on good feeling things.



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