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Thread: Pingan’s practice

  1. #2401
    This morning I won $9 on the lottery. I felt good seeing the email first thing.
    I want to know what I need to do to let more money in.
    The answer I am getting is Just Believe.
    Not pretend to believe, or repeat thoughts mechanically. Just Believe, tuning in to the part of me that is giving the answer.



  2. #2402
    Listening to the official Abe YouTube recording about winning the lottery and I completely disagree with it. They are talking to a different person. The advice I need is different.

    If it was right for me it would help me. But it just sounds like more work. I am tired of work. I am tired of making an effort to feel better. Of course I have done it, and of course feeling better feels better; but it is also not worth the effort. I have been putting in vastly more effort than the reward I have received.

    And the reason is simple: trauma, dissociation, being acclimatised to resistance such that I do not recognise what I have going on vibrationally.

    My brain is exhausted. I deserve a better life. This life is not me. But I feel as though I have to keep being corrected on not having done a thorough enough job of cleaning up. Like a parent keeps coming in and saying what about that pile of clothes there? What about under the bed? What about...

    And each time, sure enough, there is more to clean up.

    And then someone else comes and says no you dont need to clean or do anything, just relax and it is all taken care of...

    And I try that, and it lasts a minute before I run into a pile of stuff that needs to be cleaned up.

    So either I just have so much sh!t that I need years and years to clean it up, or I am doing something wrong.

    I have had manifestations on the heels of releasing resistance. But. No, there is another part of me that is mendacious. There is another persona that is extremely hostile and has its own momentum and has not been addressed by my work.

    Like a fifth columnist. There is a persona I inhabit or inhabits me, which is vibrationally opposite. It embraces the dark humour of riding a sinking vessel, having abandoned regard for happiness and hope in life.

    This persona exists because prolonged powerlessness and victimisation required relief. And the beat relief was to become king of the shitheap of life.

    But at the same time I never acted upon it because it would have brought greater suffering and harm to me.

    If you are going to throw all your shit at me then I will become king of the shitheap and live in filth and force you to look at it and feel sick to your stomachs. I wont recoil from the shit you have flung at me. I will be immune to it.

    So even though part of me wants my better life, another part of me had to learn to survive and find relief in that shit heap. That part of me still exists and is vibrationally active. It looks for the unwanted things in life and revels in their misery and others fear of them.

    It is essentially what happens when you feed a child on all your own hatred and the child must somehow make a concordant identity out of that.

    So when I try to align with my desires, this part is not happy about it because this part exists by heaping scorn and spite on the wanted things in life.

    I guess that means I internalised the awful way I was treated. I guess that means this vibration is keeping my hurt alive. Raised by people who hated me, I took on their hate as a practiced part of me.

    Part of me is happy with the people I love, but this other part of me can only hate everything. Part of me wants to live my better life, but this other part wants to drive the ship onto the rocks and watch everyone cry out in fear.

    This part is full of contempt for life and happiness and the world and other happy people. But it does not have to continue in this way. Because that was just me doing my very best to survive abuse and neglect from my entire family. I do not need to continue like a diabolical saboteur of my own life.

    I want to acknowledge the value of this part of me. Like an anti-hero it kept me going. It brought me relief and a feeling of empowerment. But greater relief and empowerment is waiting for me. Not the old prospect of taking the shit and being happy with it anyway. Not mediocrity. Not loveless and lifeless automation. Not obeying demands of evil people.

    No, genuine love and happiness are waiting for me. The answer to my prayers is waiting for me. Transcendent and eternal and also abundant and free in this physical lifetime. The combined truth of physical and nonphysical love and joy and abundance and happiness.

    They professed religiosity but did not know God. They professed family but did not know love. They professed truth and virtue and happiness but had none.

    They are not the better life waiting for me. I do not need to arm myself with hatred or hostility. I am able to release my hatred and my opposition to all of that, for the sake of the love and the abundance and the freedom and the joy ahead of me. No more split energy. I do not need two personae inside me anymore. I do not need him to help me survive anymore.

    I want to consolidate my energy into one integral person. One who is aware of his inner being and the true happiness of alignment. I do not need to fight anymore. I do not need to hate anymore. I am free to put all of my energy into love and alignment.



  3. #2403
    Talking to the spiteful part of me:
    I know you want to destroy everything, to show them all how petty and callous they have been. I know you want to destroy everything or sink everything, to show them that they can mistreat you and ignore you, but they cannot then expect you to help them or support them or care about their selfish plans.

    I know you wanted to punish them for hurting you. I know you wanted some kind of justice. I know it felt better to be angry and destructive than to be powerless and silent.

    But the trouble is those people are not in my life anymore. And the people in my life are good and loving people now. No one is mistreating me anymore. That is the truth.

    There is no one to hurt except myself and people who love me. There is no one to spite. There is no one to exact justice upon.
    Spite now hurts only me and the people I love.

    The spiteful impulse feels better than powerlessness but I am not powerless.
    That is just a practiced vibration. If I am not powerless then I do not need spite to feel empowered. If I am not powerless, then I am not being prevented from having my desires. If I am not powerless, then no one is impinging on my freedom and my happiness.
    If no one is impinging on me, why feel spite?
    Spite is just a habit I have practiced. I can feel something else instead. I can feel resigned to there being no need for spite anymore. I can be resigned to there being no enemies and no need for justice or destruction or revenge.

    I can be resigned to my battle being over. Just over. I can let go of my need to win or have justice or wreak destruction or inflict some kind of suffering on my abusers.

    I can let go of my need to be spiteful.



  4. #2404
    So instead of saying I still feel bad or feel frustrated about my progress, it is actually my guidance showing me that I have some resistance to my own progress.

    Bad feelings are indicators of resistance.



  5. #2405
    No more spite.
    No more split energy to sabotage life.
    Allowing my energy to flow toward alignment and love and ease and my desires instead.
    Allowing myself to change.
    Allowing myself to feel good in a light and effortless way.



  6. #2406
    I am suddenly recalling that I started trying to understand religion because it was the ostensible reason for the trauma in my life.
    My father wanted to be a clergyman but it was a long and uncertain process for him.
    We were forced to go to church and I remember trying to understand It and the dissonance between the words everyone was spouting and their actual behaviour and energy.
    Most especially my father and my family life, which was so painful. How did all this Jesus stuff make sense? Clearly it was not working as advertised.
    So I tried to work it out. Obviously the early disciples and sporadic individuals had performed miracles and really stood out as different. How could I get to the essence of it?
    I worked it out a while ago but for various reasons did not reach my conclusion.
    Christ is our inner being. The way Jesus describes our relationship to him and to God if we believe in him, is simply our inner being and greater source. The father is Source and Christ is our inner being and the Holy Spirit is our being in alignment.

    It is that simple. But obviously that might be more a hindrance for some to look at it that way. For me it is the answer to a project and a search. Christ is not different from my inner being. My inner being is one with Source. The Holy Spirit infuses us all when we align with Christ, our inner divine being.

    That is all, and nothing else is necessary. He took the religious context of his time and revitalised it. The sacraments are not necessary because our inner being is reality. Sacraments just help us believe, but can be a hindrance if we depend on them.

    The authority of churches is nothing. It all comes from Source and our inner being and ourselves. The authority of pastors and priests and clergy and all such people is only as much as we think they have. The authority of rites and rituals and practices is only as much as we think they have.

    If they help, use them. If not, ditch them.
    I have found the truth of Christianity as I set out to do many years ago.



  7. #2407
    All the things I ever read about taking refuge in Jesus and being supported by him and sustained by him, and whatever we ask for in prayer etc. It all is about my inner being. My inner being is Jesus, and if he is within me, who can possibly be against me?
    And I do not need to take anyone else and their opinion of what Jesus/inner being is like. I do not have to accept anyones words or opinions. Because I have my own guidance from my own inner being my own Jesus within me, my own extension of God, my own trinity within me.



  8. #2408
    God is within me. My inner being is God. Christ is within me. My inner being is Christ.
    Everything I was searching for is within me already. And day by day it grows.

    If Christ is my inner self, what problems could I possibly face? The God of love and miracles and help and saving and freedom and joy and abundance and happiness and the fullness of life and of being lives in me, is me, my inner being.



  9. #2409
    Thinking about why my shoulder muscles are underdeveloped. Recognised that if I go to the physio he will prescribe basic repetitive and tedious exercises that feel draining and tiring.
    Basically the feeling I used to have growing up, being badgered and commandeered by my father into his pointless and degrading tasks.
    So in order to fix my shoulders I would have to face the feeling that has manifested this shoulder problem.
    And part of the issue is that those tasks he gave me and my brother were so pointless and degrading, we could not put our strength into them. They were such unworthy tasks that we had to be coerced into doing them.
    So effort is associated with unworthiness and degradation and pointlessness and humiliation and pain.

    These basic strong muscles in my shoulder are undeveloped because we were made to slave for him at these tasks that were beneath us, and treated with such contempt along the way. In a sense I did not want to have the strength to do the tasks. I detached myself from the strength.

    At the same time he did not want us to be strong. He was already punishing us for existing. Resistance was attacked violently and savagely. So it is as if I never developed the strength to resist. There was nothing I needed that strength for. No purpose of my own, if I had strength it would just be commandeered or punished. Better to have no strength than to have it taken from me or beaten down.

    To be strong would be seen as defiant. Defiance would be crushed.

    But I do not live there anymore. I do not have to keep living that bullshit. I can be strong. I can own my strength. I can put my strength into the things I care about. I can enjoy being strong and looking strong and having strength to do whatever I like. I can enjoy being too strong to be crushed. I can enjoy being someone who never thinks about being crushed. I can enjoy being myself without any such worries or fears.



  10. #2410
    Some painful resistance came up today. I remind myself that even if it hurts to face it, it has been there the whole time. Better to make peace with where I am than suppress it. That does not mean I have to go looking for it, but when it shows up, it is okay. It will not get any worse than i have already experienced.

    And the matching contrast that arose today was quite smoothly handled by my partner. Our kids bday plans were messed up but my partner sorted it out better than before.

    So I can identify that messed up plans do not make me feel awry. It is my perspective that makes me feel awry, informed as it is by years of abuse and neglect which I am now brilliantly undoing bit by manageable bit.

    I had felt helpless. Powerless. I believed I had not the strength to stop being bullied and hurt.

    But I have always had the power. I have always had the power to create my reality. I do not need to be afraid of bullies and harassment anymore. Not only do I have the strength to beat 90% of people if it were simply a physical struggle, but I do not even require strength for that purpose because I have the power to attract the very best of people. I have the power to attract loving and kind and beautiful and caring people only. That is exactly what I have been doing.



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