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Thread: Feeling regret about ruining a good thing

  1. #11
    lemon-up's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WellBean View Post
    Regret is something that tugs at me quite a bit ? like I should have made this different decision when I was seven years old, I should have pursued a different field of study. On and on.

    But what I?ve noticed is Regret actually has nothing to do with what did or didn?t happen.

    It all about wishing I felt differently Right Now than how I feel. And assuming if I did something different in the past, I?d have the outcomes that I think would have me feel that way I want to feel. Which isn?t even necessarily true.

    Regret is about Controlling Conditions, and Controlling How Others Perceive You, or at least trying to.

    But the thing is, things DID happen that way. The cool thing is YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT IT MEANS. You get to decide that things are working out for you. Maybe you just don?t know yet exactly how it works out because right now things seem to be a mess. That?s ok!

    You are the unique person you are BECAUSE of your choices and past behaviors. You literally can?t be anything else right now. And if you want to be different in the future, your RIGHT NOW choices will shape that. You have more power than you think, but no power in trying to control the past so you can feel better now.

    Mostly when I?m regretting something, my best thing to do is say to myself ?cool story, bro. How do I actually want to feel right now??

    (If I regret how I treated someone, I will do my best to apologize. I find regret useful in this way, it gives me a nudge to connect.)
    Hi WellBean and everyone
    I have only been reading the forum and not posting but your post was one of those 'wild horses' feelings for me so I signed in.

    I love what you wrote and I got a good zing of " of course, no matter what I chose I would be exactly where I am anyway :wow:

    I agree, the tug of regret can get my attention to get a new perspective and take action if I choose.

    OK, back to reading only for awhile; and there is so much to read on this forum that is fun and uplifting
    Lemon

  2. #12
    Beloved Woman paradise-on-earth's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by WellBean View Post
    Regret is something that tugs at me quite a bit ? like I should have made this different decision when I was seven years old, I should have pursued a different field of study. On and on.

    But what I?ve noticed is Regret actually has nothing to do with what did or didn?t happen.

    It all about wishing I felt differently Right Now than how I feel. And assuming if I did something different in the past, I?d have the outcomes that I think would have me feel that way I want to feel. Which isn?t even necessarily true.

    Regret is about Controlling Conditions, and Controlling How Others Perceive You, or at least trying to.

    But the thing is, things DID happen that way. The cool thing is YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT IT MEANS. You get to decide that things are working out for you. Maybe you just don?t know yet exactly how it works out because right now things seem to be a mess. That?s ok!

    You are the unique person you are BECAUSE of your choices and past behaviors. You literally can?t be anything else right now. And if you want to be different in the future, your RIGHT NOW choices will shape that. You have more power than you think, but no power in trying to control the past so you can feel better now.

    Mostly when I?m regretting something, my best thing to do is say to myself ?cool story, bro. How do I actually want to feel right now??

    (If I regret how I treated someone, I will do my best to apologize. I find regret useful in this way, it gives me a nudge to connect.)
    I love this.

  3. #13
    Quote Originally Posted by Jewel M. View Post

    So milk/appreciate the aspects of this "casual" lover you enjoyed. Just bring yourself into a state of appreciation for these qualities and aspects you enjoyed. Then you will attract them in your next romantic partner (or it could be this friend anew...who knows?). So you are always shaping a present relationship or future relationship with your focus.
    This is definitely a very good point. I'm starting to fully understand that whatever I focus on, I get more of, so I know that focusing on the positive aspects of this relationship would bring more of that into my life. So I am slowly trying to just focus on those aspects. It's a gradual thing though, because sometimes I go into feelings of missing the good times and the yearning for that which is missing.

    Quote Originally Posted by Jewel M. View Post
    You gave yourself disappointing thoughts, and still are, somewhat. It's not about their feelings, reactions....but the thoughts you give to yourself, that creates a certain disconnection from your inner being. That is your real complaint.....not feeling the full presence of Source within you.
    Wow - I never saw it like this. Thanks for highlighting this! I'm trying to find ways to feel less regretful and disappointed about it all.

  4. #14
    Quote Originally Posted by paradise-on-earth View Post
    "Your ship has sailed"?
    -There will be endless other ones.

    People worry that they will get to the dock after their ship has sailed. And we say:

    But there's another and another and another and another
    and another and another and another and another.

    For everything that you want- right here, right now where you stand,

    there are 20 or 30 or 40 or 50 viable opportunities

    to move you specifically
    in the direction of what you want,
    surrounding you at ALL TIMES.



    Orlando 9/03/13
    I think this is true, because I've started talking to other women and one in particular sounds and looks and even talks very similar to the casual lover ...it's very strange (in a good way!) . I'm taking it as the universe showing me there's more out there with qualities I like.


    Quote Originally Posted by paradise-on-earth View Post


    I know it seems hard, but train yourself to slowly, step by step, make peace with where-you-are, and from this unconditional peace, start to appreciate what you would want, AS SPECIFIC AS IT STILL FEELS GOOD.
    This does work, when I do this, I see things improving slightly.

    Quote Originally Posted by paradise-on-earth View Post
    About understanding how detrimental regret is, you might like to read about some wisdom from Abe themself:
    About regret
    Thanks so much for this!

  5. #15
    Quote Originally Posted by paradise-on-earth View Post
    ...not strange at all!
    You have created a detailed clear story of what you expect- and life follows you to the T. That is how powerful LoA is. Change your story- change your life. REALLY.
    How can I change what I expect?

    Finding the feeling place of what I want (being with more appreciative, similar-to-me lovers) has been helpful.

  6. #16
    Quote Originally Posted by paradise-on-earth View Post
    "She will be fine BECAUSE she always gets lover-interest". Wow. Do you think THAT is what is needed to be fine? As in:
    "As long others are interested in me (-sexually or not)- I'm fine"?

    What does this tell you about yourself when you think about it deeper?
    I think it tells me that I rely on external validation to feel good about myself when I'm not ITV. The only time I don't care about external validation is when I'm really happy, ITV.

    I do want to stop needing validation...

  7. #17
    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    Step 1: Take this statement and soften it, because what you're doing is essentially an "anti-focus wheel." In other words, you take a general statement, then you add more specific statements that ramp up that vibration. It's the inverse of what you WANT to do. So how does the idea of "ruining" a good thing feel to you? Presumably it doesn't feel very good. Remember what negative emotion is -- it's you offering a perspective that differs from what your IB is offering on the same subject. A lot of what happens is that we offer perspectives that don't feel good even though they don't feel good. So that's why this is an excellent place to start because it's the core of how you're looking at all this. That means if your IB agreed that you "ruined" things, you wouldn't feel bad because your perspectives would match.

    The negative emotion means that your IB doesn't agree with you that you "ruined" things. That means that for you to feel better, you need to start moving in the direction of no longer beating yourself up about all this. Do the same thing you did in writing this post, but reach for a general statement that feels better FIRST. Then add those supporting statements to shore up that better feeling vibration.


    Okay so I have to soothe myself rather than just beating myself up....even despite the facts of the situation that have happened....?

    Okay so....something like this? Below:

    I had a clarifying experience
    - I now know more clearly what I want and don't want in a partner/relationship, more than I have ever known before
    - I could feel she wasn?t for me from the start, I just wanted some loving.
    - If we didn't have a connection, and it felt strained whenever we hung out then why exactly would it have been a good thing for this to be a long term thing and for her to fall for me? Couldn?t I just save that for someone else who feels more like my best friend and long term partner in one? I just need to believe I can find someone like that.
    - So based on this, would it really be helpful to go back? I could just take what I've learned and move forward with someone who feels more like my best friend and lover/long term partner in one.
    - I don't need to be so hard on myself because neither of us were in the place for dating/relationship
    - I felt that we were not compatible partners, and generally we were not really having an enjoyable time.
    - I think I focused more on the enjoyable aspects only, amidst all the contrast.
    - I was not making up what I experienced.
    - I do tend to romanticise things, like the idea of being in a great situation etc.
    - If it really was good for me and what/who I wanted, it would have worked because I?m a powerful creator
    - I can now start focusing on what I really want and it's likely to work for me.


    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    Does it matter what happened in the past? Not if you don't make it matter.
    I think it only mattered to me because:
    1. I can see how it would have worked if I was more chill, and she said the same thing.
    2. I am embarrassed/ashamed of how I acted and how she can easily look back on everything I did or wrote to her. I can't change this but I'm really ashamed of myself. To anyone else I'd look so insecure and crazy.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    Why try to bang things into place?

    Were you somehow making up what you experienced? Is it not okay to be where you are vibrationally? Or were you having valid experiences that make sense given what was going on with you vibrationally?
    I think I tried to bang things into place because my belief wasn't there that I could find someone better. And like Abe says, it's easier to focus on the person that's manifested than go into the feeling place of what is really wanted. I've learned to do the latter next time.

    I wasn't making up what I experienced. I have been told by my friend that I do take some things too seriously but I dunno, maybe I just want to feel loved so the situation I was in wasn't going to provide that of course (because it was a casual situation).

    I don't feel like it's okay to be where I am because how I was acting insecure is frowned upon and I just feel ashamed of it. And also if I didn't act like that then it probably would have worked.

    Yep the experiences I had were valid based on where I was vibrationally though.


    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    That's sort of like saying that if you were in San Diego already, then you wouldn't have to make your way to San Diego. True, but not particularly helpful. You are where you are. That's not to say that you can't start relaxing more and enjoying the ride, because obviously that's the whole point. But that's just it -- are you going to blame yourself into relaxation? Can you shame yourself into enjoyment? If you were feeling better, you'd have acted differently. So all of that means that it really comes down to the nitty gritty of soothing yourself instead of beating yourself up.
    So just soothe myself rather than regretting it...even if my actions could have been better? I can't help but wish I was in a better place vibrationally so the outcome would have been different.


    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    Also, are you able to assert things into others' experiences? Or are they creating their realities as well? In other words, wasn't she a vibrational match to what was going on as well?
    Yes I guess so, and she has had a similar experience before but...she doesn't know about this Abe stuff and being a vibrational match to this discord. So to her, it just looks like me that's the main problem.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    But you realize it NOW. That's the benefit of contrast, is it not? So chill out and let it go. One of two things will be true: either you'll now be chilled out, or you'll demonstrate to yourself that you're still learning how to chill out.
    Hmm I guess. It would have been better if I realised it back then and I would have had a more thrilling ride and I wouldn't have shown myself in the negative way I have.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    And isn't that other people's negative emotion/behavior in a nutshell? In other words it's ALWAYS about their own discord, never about you. So doesn't that make it a bit easier to lighten up on everyone, yourself included?
    Hmmm, I guess.

    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    Once again, LOA in action. Taking the action got you more of what you were already feeling, not what you thought the action would get you. That's LOA being honest with you. It's also instructive because even when others are offering what you want, you can't experience it because you're not letting it in. The same is true with your IB and EVERYTHING you're asking for.
    Wow this is very true and has taught me a lot about how LOA works. This is a great insight.
    So what vibration would not allow me to see when people like me? or that would attract people who don't show it in the way I understand? Maybe I don't love myself?
    I don't wanna regret not being able to see she liked me either...

    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    Is any of that REALLY why you feel bad? No. Negative emotion is ALWAYS about you offering perspectives that contradict what your IB is offering. So it's great that this experience has helped you identify that more fun/sex is something you definitely want, and you also want to feel like there are lots of options for you. Can you now understand why then offering the thoughts, "There's no going back..." and "I've pushed her away..." and "I've done this before..." and the implied, "She's got lots of options and I don't." None of those situations need to be true, they're simply thoughts you're offering. The important thing is that they OPPOSE or RESIST the desires you've identified.


    So the path forward is really to move forward. Instead of "There's no going back..." ask yourself, "Why would I want to go back?" Would it really be necessary, or even helpful to go back? Or do you take what you've learned and move forward? Are there others out there who also like freaky, wild sex? Unequivocally yes! Might there be some of those people who are a better match to you and what you enjoy? Definitely. Does it matter what happened in the past? Not if you don't make it matter. Would you like more options? Then it's time to start focusing in that direction instead of turning backward.
    Oh so are you saying it's not about the disappointing experience at all, it's only the negative thoughts I'm having about it which is why I feel bad? So this didn't turn out how I wanted it to but I could think better thoughts about it in order to feel better.
    I just think thoughts like the below are factual because they happened/have happened:
    - "There's no going back..."
    - "I've pushed her away..."
    - "I've done this before..."
    - "She's got lots of options and I don't."

    I guess I could think better thoughts like the ones you suggested, plus I thought of some:
    - Of course theres a plethora of women out there who are freaky and fun and loving who are likely to want that with me
    - It's time to move forward to these exciting women who will give me more of what I want
    - I've had a couple of clarifying experiences that will benefit me from now, which I needed to happen to clarify and get what I really want
    - Let me think about the options I have or the options I can have...

    Am I on the right track here?

    Quote Originally Posted by Marc View Post
    That's the million dollar question, isn't it? "Why am I offering these thoughts that don't feel good, even though they don't feel good?" It's a simple answer. LOA makes it so that your most practiced thoughts are the most convenient thoughts for you to keep reaching for, and you're used to observing and reacting instead of choosing thoughts based on the way they feel. That's what happens when you care about conditions more than how you feel. At some point, you've got to choose thoughts that feel better because you want to feel better. That's what the work is all about.
    I understand that.
    Last edited by intrigued; 1 Day Ago at 05:16 PM. Reason: Clarification

  8. #18
    Quote Originally Posted by songbird View Post
    How can I get past my thoughts about these things?

    Well you may "get past" it bit by bit, one day at a time, one segment, thought at a time.

    Remember your power is only and always in the present.
    And your work is simply to soothe yourself emotionally.
    This is very true...it's just about my thoughts. I'm trying to get past my thoughts about it.
    I like the idea of getting past it bit by bit, one day at a time etc. It makes it feel more doable, rather than a big mountain to climb.


    Quote Originally Posted by songbird View Post
    So, this is a generalisation but here's the thing:
    Your alignment was such that you attracted this person who was a match.
    And the basis of your relationship right at the beginning sounds like one where you both tried to make something fit, that perhaps, was not your vortex version of a person.
    But it was data for you to explore and come to new desires.
    Which clearly you have. So would then the purpose have been a success?
    It sounds like a success to me.
    Omg this helps SO MUCH!!!! This actually made me feel so much better. Thank you!!!!

    Quote Originally Posted by songbird View Post
    Yes we want some one sometimes to fit, when no one else is there. But we can not usually change the very basis of the coming together, instead it usually does increase in momentum
    As your relationship did. That's the law of attraction. It's not your fault. It was just the reality of the Feeling at the beginning, that simply increased in momentum and so got bigger.

    You did not do anything wrong.
    Yes the momentum of the feeling from the beginning increased so much it's...shocking. I have learned how this LOA thing works even more now.

  9. #19
    Quote Originally Posted by songbird View Post
    Instead get out ahead of your day early. Get a good nights sleep and get positive momentum going early in the morning.

    then, when these patterns of thought come (and they will because of LOA)!
    But then, you are more steady and have good emotional balance to catch them at the early stages.

    And focus on other things that easily get you into alignment
    This is a powerful exercise. I think I'll try this!!! So worth it, I bet it will improve my thoughts and feelings on this topic a lot.


    Quote Originally Posted by songbird View Post

    This is not about your relationship with this person.
    It's about your relationship with your broader eternal perspective.

    And you can re connect with that part of YOU.

    And the same is true for her as well.

    Nothing can ever harm us. But our own thinking.
    And remember that at Source we all remain perfectly unaffected from all seeming affects of harm.
    It feels good that it's about my relationship with my broader eternal perspective rather than this lover, because it feels less uncontrollable and less upsetting when I take her out of all this.

  10. #20
    Quote Originally Posted by WellBean View Post
    But what I?ve noticed is Regret actually has nothing to do with what did or didn?t happen.

    It all about wishing I felt differently Right Now than how I feel. And assuming if I did something different in the past, I?d have the outcomes that I think would have me feel that way I want to feel. Which isn?t even necessarily true.
    Woww...this is a great insight!!! I never thought of it this way and I think it's very true!

    Quote Originally Posted by WellBean View Post
    Regret is about Controlling Conditions, and Controlling How Others Perceive You, or at least trying to.


    But the thing is, things DID happen that way. The cool thing is YOU GET TO DECIDE WHAT IT MEANS. You get to decide that things are working out for you. Maybe you just don?t know yet exactly how it works out because right now things seem to be a mess. That?s ok!
    I get this. I'm struggling with deciding what it means though. I'll probably come to an answer with time. Feel free to share any ideas

    Quote Originally Posted by WellBean View Post
    You are the unique person you are BECAUSE of your choices and past behaviors. You literally can?t be anything else right now. And if you want to be different in the future, your RIGHT NOW choices will shape that. You have more power than you think, but no power in trying to control the past so you can feel better now.

    Mostly when I?m regretting something, my best thing to do is say to myself ?cool story, bro. How do I actually want to feel right now??

    (If I regret how I treated someone, I will do my best to apologize. I find regret useful in this way, it gives me a nudge to connect.)
    Yea I apologised but kept making the same mistake of going on and not letting things go.
    I think I really need to sort out my vibration that's making me act this way.

    I like the pivoting idea too.

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