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Thread: Pingan’s practice

  1. #2321
    Talkingto my brother I discovered my resistance to owning a bigger home stems from my experience of abuse and neglect in a home. I am afraid of homes because my child self associates the house with all the violence and conflict and manipulation that happened there.

    But it was not the house at fault. It was not the house that was to blame. The house could have been a place of love and joy and fun and adventure and support and encouragement.

    I do not need to fear that living in a house will trigger those painful feelings and experiences. The house did not create my reality.

    I was afraid because a large home has enough space for people to act and live independently and shape their boundaries. My experience was of boundaries being continually violated by my father and sister. So I avoided having boundaries and sought to avoid conflict altogether.

    If I am to live in a nice big house, I want to be able to manage my boundaries with love and ease and joy. And managing my boundaries is really just a function of my alignment and non-resistance.

    I want to be the real me and have healthy boundaries and manage my relationships from an aligned perspective. And everything in my life will be beautiful and lovely. My children will love me. My partner will love me. My best friend will love me. There will be no serious conflicts because I am not a match to such things.

    It is going to be beautiful. I can finally expand into the home I desire. A beautiful home with many spaces for our family to enjoy and explore and call their own. I love this. My house is a place of love and warmth and joy and expansion and delight. I love it.



  2. #2322
    It is time to close my gap this morning.

    Nothing is more important and nothing feels better than closing my gap.

    But I do not need to close it all the way. Just be in close proximity.

    Just practice close proximity to my inner being or source.



  3. #2323
    There are subjects where I still think I would be better served by focusing on my resistance and unwanted aspects of my experience.

    But that is not true.

    If I calibrate to those things they become more. It is the opposite of closing my gap.

    So all I need to do is keep closing my gap and let that be enough. Feel better and let that be enough. Feel good and let that be enough.

    And when contrast comes up and I feel bad, how do I manage that?
    My attention is drawn to something and my gap widens. My kid wants attention but I do not feel good about it. Do I want to feel good about giving attention? Or do I want them to not need my attention? I do not know.

    **** it, just close the gap anyway. I do not need to engage with this.

    Okay the kid is back, and now I know that I just do not want to give attention right now, but the bad feeling came because I told myself I have to or I am a bad parent. So I did not give attention, and he calmed down.

    Now I will calibrate again and close my gap.
    I do not have to fully close my gap. Just be more in proximity to my inner being.

    Can I feel better and do more? I am open to more, but I only need to stay in proximity for inspiration and energy to pick me up.

    The thought of my house came up, but I can relax and close my gap again and return to that pleasant proximity feeling.

    The thought of needing to get up and switch gears came up, but I do not have to do that. I can focus on closing my gap again and stay in comfortable proximity.



  4. #2324
    It is possible to manifest a new house easily. Just like it is possible to manifest money easily.
    House and money are just additional aspects of reality that can manifest easily. They are not different from any other thing.
    My current habits of thought manifest my current reality. I do not need to know all the thoughts or even feel the guidance if I am acclimated to it: I can change the vibration regardless.
    Closing the gap on house and money might feel difficult but it is only because there is resistance there. Actual change on those subjects will feel better.

    A new house. I can focus in that direction and calibrate to better feeling thoughts and close my gap there. A new house. My desires and preferences already exist and I can tune to them.

    My new house. Tuning in to it. Tuning into my preferences and desires for my new home. Good feeling images and thoughts about my new home. Tuning and calibrating to them so I can feel good about my new home.



  5. #2325
    The conversation with Wild&Beautiful got me thinking about the subjects of money and a new house, where there is resistance I do not want to dig into. And I do not have to dig into it.
    And the idea came to me that these subjects did not easily produce relief for me because the resistance is not really where I thought it was.

    The resistance is actually around good things happening, things changing, and making a real difference in my life.
    This wad of resistance came up on its own this morning as I realised a practiced vibration of resistance was hampering my focus on feeling satisfaction.

    I do not need to feel this way. I know so much about creation and LoA and deliberate intent. I know that it only seemed to me that life was unchanging. It was actually changing all the time. I always had the ability to change my focus and allow real, substantial improvement in my mood and my life.

    My feeling better makes a difference. It makes all the difference. Real changes are coming, because my feelings show what I am attracting, and I feel much better than I used to. There is nothing stopping my life from improving in substantial ways, or me feeling substantial relief and freedom and love and joy in my life. Nothing is limiting me, I can gently and substantially change my vibration and in a little time I will be in a very different reality.

    Change is coming.



  6. #2326
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    Quote Originally Posted by pingan View Post
    The conversation with Wild&Beautiful got me thinking about the subjects of money and a new house, where there is resistance I do not want to dig into. And I do not have to dig into it.
    And the idea came to me that these subjects did not easily produce relief for me because the resistance is not really where I thought it was.

    The resistance is actually around good things happening, things changing, and making a real difference in my life.
    This wad of resistance came up on its own this morning as I realised a practiced vibration of resistance was hampering my focus on feeling satisfaction.
    you could ponder the thought that - having lived a life of not much happiness as you grew up, you became used to feeling unhappy. (I've read some of your thread:/) As you felt unhappy it became your norm. As it became rote for you to feel unhappiness in your daily family life you accepted that as the way things are, maybe even the way things might always be.
    Now, years later as a free adult, free from parental oppression/abuse/influence you realise that the feeling of happiness in your new daily life is a little scary. It feels scary to feel happier, to feel more free, to feel optimistic ?
    and that fear of experiencing happiness may be holding you (subconscious younger self) back.

    this could be the area that you may need to look into further. happiness.
    what beliefs about happiness did you have as a child ?
    what beliefs do you feel (in your gut) about happiness now ?
    why are you feeling fear about positive change ?
    was there anything in your childhood, where you were acting happy and then something bad happened to you ? and so the experience of being happy is linked to feeling bad ?
    so now, when you are feeling more and more optimistic, you are also feeling anxiety around being in a -happier- state ?

    use BFTs to soothe any answers to those questions above. Give yourself a hug for even admitting that statement above! say thank you to yourself in the mirror today. Tell yourself in the mirror that you love yourself. Ask the Universe to give you a hug. Tell yourself, and your younger self that you forgive you, and them. You did the best you could and now you are also doing the best you can.

    Happiness is not only about having your stuff. Happiness is about self contentment and satisfaction inside.

  7. #2327
    Quote Originally Posted by Wild and Beautiful View Post
    you could ponder the thought that - having lived a life of not much happiness as you grew up, you became used to feeling unhappy. (I've read some of your thread:/) As you felt unhappy it became your norm. As it became rote for you to feel unhappiness in your daily family life you accepted that as the way things are, maybe even the way things might always be.
    Now, years later as a free adult, free from parental oppression/abuse/influence you realise that the feeling of happiness in your new daily life is a little scary. It feels scary to feel happier, to feel more free, to feel optimistic ?
    and that fear of experiencing happiness may be holding you (subconscious younger self) back.

    this could be the area that you may need to look into further. happiness.
    what beliefs about happiness did you have as a child ?
    what beliefs do you feel (in your gut) about happiness now ?
    why are you feeling fear about positive change ?
    was there anything in your childhood, where you were acting happy and then something bad happened to you ? and so the experience of being happy is linked to feeling bad ?
    so now, when you are feeling more and more optimistic, you are also feeling anxiety around being in a -happier- state ?

    use BFTs to soothe any answers to those questions above. Give yourself a hug for even admitting that statement above! say thank you to yourself in the mirror today. Tell yourself in the mirror that you love yourself. Ask the Universe to give you a hug. Tell yourself, and your younger self that you forgive you, and them. You did the best you could and now you are also doing the best you can.

    Happiness is not only about having your stuff. Happiness is about self contentment and satisfaction inside.
    I concluded that nothing was going to change unless I made it change, but I also thought that superficial material changes were meaningless because they would not bring lasting happiness. I had not back then realised it was possible to live without abusive people.

    So I settled on the promise of interior spiritual change that would supposedly bring me true happiness or freedom from suffering.

    Or to bring it up to speed with this thread: I gave up on life improving and tried to find a way to be free of suffering without life improving. But I still believed this freedom was a feat I had to accomplish, like becoming enlightened.

    The flaw in my thinking was indeed the expectation that life would always be unhappy. I ruled out improvements to life. At one stage I remember thinking it was good that life was bad, because I would not relax and lose focus on my spiritual goal.

    I believed that life was intrinsically unhappy or objectively meaningless, and would never really go my way, and if it did go my way I would simply be suffering from delusion.

    (In hindsight it sounds like I was just trying to rationalise the symptoms of abuse.)

    The resistance is coming up: I really strongly believed after years of being unhappy, that enjoying material things would trap me deeper in delusion and prolong my suffering.

    For example I thought that wealthy people had no hope of becoming free from suffering because they were enamoured of their wealth.

    Worse still: I believed that happiness was an illusion or delusion, and that instead I needed to see through it and become free that way. I believed spiritual happiness was completely different from worldly happiness.

    I trained myself to disparage happiness and aspire instead to some kind of refined spiritual state. I am afraid of happiness because it means I cannot be free from suffering.

    I am afraid that if I have the money and the house and I enjoy them, those desires will be implanted in me and I will never find freedom. Yet my whole idea of freedom is premised on an awful experience of abuse and neglect.

    I am afraid that happiness is delusion. Well...the happiness demanded of me as a child was delusional, that is true. Being happy in that situation would have been delusional (notwithstanding the power to focus elsewhere of course).

    I strongly believed happiness was delusional and I resisted it.

    I had forgotten this, but I can see the significance of it.



  8. #2328
    Okay so now....happiness.

    Happiness is good? Happiness is not delusional? I am approaching this gently...

    Happiness is not a dangerous illusion that causes suffering. Happiness does not cause suffering. Happiness is not attachment. Happiness is not a delusional state.

    Happiness is not wrong. Happiness is not weak. Happiness is not ignorant. Happiness is not a lie. Happiness is not suffering.

    It is good for me to feel happy about my possessions and conditions. It is good and right and natural for me to feel happy about the things I like and desire. I am allowed to feel happy. I am allowed to feel good about material possessions and conditions.

    It is okay for me to be happy about my life and material conditions. Even though they are temporary, it is still good and right for me to find happiness in them - looking at them and enjoying them.



  9. #2329
    This is new to me, this feeling of eagerness and freshness.

    What I had dismissed as delusional worldly happiness as a child is accessible to me, and is good and right and acceptable and pure and worth allowing.

    It does not matter what makes a person happy: happiness is happiness. There is nothing that makes me happy that can be deemed inappropriate or unworthy or pointless or meaningless.

    Those books I read were trying to point to unconditional happiness...but they disparaged worldly goods, relationships, all conditions. They made it seem like people were foolish to feel passionate about good things in life.

    And that would have appealed to me as a child living with some dysfunctional and abusive people.

    But now...I am finally feeling like reality has enough to satisfy me. Reality is big enough and rich enough to please me. Life is bold enough and broad enough to really deeply enthuse and inspire me.

    I am finally tuned in to happiness! It does not matter if we call it worldly. They meant to designate conditional, but it got lost in translation somewhere.

    All of the happiness that can be felt is legitimate happiness. All of the love and joy and satisfaction and appreciation of people, relationships, places, property, wealth, prosperity, ideas, inspiration, activities.

    All of it is legitimate for me to explore and feel and no one can criticise me or condemn me for it. My happiness is completely deserved and right and good for me. I can do anything and have anything and be anything that feels good to me!



  10. #2330
    I had put a lot of stock in the idea that it was possible to transcend emotional responses to conditions. The common trope was that being attached to people or objects blinded us, that we are blinded by desire and aversion.
    I thought that my parents and siblings were deluded and that is why they were awful to be around. Not entirely false, but not entirely true either.

    I associated their awfulness and abuse with blindness and delusion brought about my attachment to worldly things. Acutely: I reasoned that if I stop desiring things, I would be free from attachment and suffering. But despite this suppression of desire I continued to suffer.

    I continued trying not to have desires, partly by criticising supposedly good things and rendering them meaningless; and thereby poisoning the natural happiness or appreciation that would arise in response to good things. Eg. If I wanted to go to a foreign country, I would tell myself that nothing would change if I went there, and it would never live up to my expectations.

    If I wanted more money I would tell myself that money does not bring happiness, and it only encourages people to live meaningless lives, expanding their appetites.

    If I wanted a new couch I would tell myself that it will eventually break and need replacing and bring dissatisfaction along with it.

    So I calibrated to the unwanted and resistant aspect of all my desires, because I thought desires were evil and the cause of all suffering in life.

    But these spiritual beliefs were primed by the environment I grew up in, where I was already encouraged not to want anything or ask for anything. Where having desires really did lead to suffering.

    So, this is part of my background vibration. And now I am realising that desires are not evil. Desires do not cause suffering, resisting desires causes suffering. Focusing on thoughts that resist desires causes suffering. Thinking about suffering causes suffering.

    So let me begin reappraising from a fresh start.

    What is the point and purpose of my existence? What is the highest and most worthwhile goal?
    Happiness. Happiness is my purpose and goal.

    And where does happiness come from? What is happiness made of?
    Happiness comes from moving towards my desires, which is the same as aligning with the inner part of me.

    How do I be happy?
    I be happy by focusing on thoughts or vibrations or things that feel better. The more consistently I do this, the more consistently happy I be.



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