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Thread: Pingan’s practice

  1. #2241
    I was pondering how to feel better about my best friend, and then I realised as with the more money and the new house issue, I’m picking up the best friend stick from already being out of alignment.
    This time it’s not about freedom and empowerment.
    What do I want from my friend? To be loved and know that I am loved as I am, not for the utility or value I bring to others.
    So I’m having a mild flashback to childhood conditions of feeling like I’m neglected and unloved and even actively disliked, unless I prove useful to others in my family.

    What I want is to be myself AND have everything I desire.

    And that feels like...alignment.
    So I don’t have to work out how to interact with my friend. I just need to get into alignment.



  2. #2242
    The crux of my desires is that I want to feel I am the most special person on earth; and I don’t need any desires to manifest to feel like the most special person on earth - I just need to focus on thoughts that invoke this feeling. That’s all.

    It’s an expanding target. I really am the most special person on earth. I am the most special person on earth. That feels so good to tell myself. So good to know and to claim.

    It’s not complete and there is still a gap, but it feels good.



  3. #2243
    I want money in abundance
    But money is really about freedom
    And I already have freedom in abundance!
    I have freedom in abundance.



  4. #2244
    New territory

    My spiritual search was an escape from abuse. And an escape from my own resistant thoughts about life.

    I don’t need that search anymore. Now I know that the problem was abuse, and the solution is to stop bringing the abuser into my reality.

    Now when I feel bad in a way that would have sent me searching, i know that all I need is a better feeling thought or a clean up job. I don’t need a spiritual attainment to change me.



  5. #2245
    I kinda wanna boast about all the crazy-ass resistance ive been releasing. It’s like when I go to the doctor and they are always surprised or perplexed by what I present to them.
    There’s something gratifying in it, yeah, a relief at hearing “oh, this is different from what most others are experiencing!”
    So here’s my example, be surprised.
    I used to read all kinds of spiritual books as a teen trying to resolve something that turned out to be trauma from years of abuse — but I didn’t know that at the time.
    Lots of books talk about looking inward, pure consciousness, detaching from forms and identifying only with consciousness-itself.
    And I tried to do that. I tried to find the gap between my perceiving consciousness and that which it perceived. I accepted that all suffering was due to identifying with objects rather than the formless subject.
    But how do you insert a wedge in between your mind’s eye and everything it observes?
    Well, I don’t know. But I tried to do it anyway, creating a kind of tension or stress within me in a misguided effort to break my consciousness free from external manifestations including thoughts and feelings and the nebulous ego or sense of self.
    That’s just one thing I tried. And I kept trying it and it became a habit. And then a couple days ago I released it. And I’m not doing that anymore, and a certain lump of inner tension or resistance has gone.

    The bigger picture aside from this f-ed up, traumatised teenaged attempt to find inner freedom by emulating the insights of Hindu mystics, is that I did a lot of weird psychological contortions in an attempt to stop suffering the contrast of abuse, but without ever realising it was abuse and without removing myself from the abusive environment.

    I grew up with my hand on the stove, was taught that that’s just life and it’s very important to keep handling the stove, and I accepted all that at face value while seeking a way to overcome.....handedness! Or pain in general. To stop identifying with the burning body or the pain-registering brain.

    It’s like I’m gradually undoing all these contortions and finally becoming aware of the source of heat and pain that my hand has been glued to all along.

    The layers of resistance I put in place, all because of the underlying contrast that I didn’t know how else to respond to.

    I’ve even been trying to use Abe’s techniques on my layers of resistance...but I still hadn’t grasped that the hand on the stove wasn’t there, it was all the way over here.

    Trusting my earliest guidance, acknowledging that gaslighting and verbal abuse are real things. Yeah, my earliest earliest guidance was spot on. But I let them talk me out of it. That first hand on the stove moment was obvious but I gave way to all the arguments and evidence that declared my pain and my yelp of protest to be deeply inappropriate, selfish and wrong.

    So I know where I’m headed, and as my resistance lessens, I can soothe and find better feeling thoughts not only about the abuse but also about my response to the abuse. I can bring my guidance back to the centre where it belongs and affirm it.

    As a five year old kid I knew they were all wrong and cruel and unloving. That knowledge never went away, and I’m ready to really feel it and affirm it.



  6. #2246
    I was right. My five year old self was completely right in noticing that my father, my sisters, and my mother were all mistreating me.

    So, I no longer need to put up with that. I no longer have to endure that. And I no longer have to ignore my guidance like I did.

    I can even change the past. I can change my reality. Because I can shift the thoughts of my five year old self.



  7. #2247
    I and my 5yo self know what we don’t want. We don’t want verbal abuse, emotional neglect, manipulation etc.
    What do we want? We can have whatever we want, so what is it that we do and always did want?
    I want to be loved. I want to be free. I want kind and caring and loving people with me.
    I want beauty and passion of nature around me.
    I want luxury and elegance of spacious surroundings.
    I want curiosity and inquisitiveness
    I want fun
    I want satisfaction
    I want fulfilment.
    And I don’t have to reconcile these feelings with the contrast I experienced from 5 onward.
    My essence is not contingent on external conditions. My essence already matches the energy and the feeling of my desires.
    There’s no limit to how good I can feel; and my reality shifts to match my feelings always.
    My essence is bright and irrepressible.
    My cork floats. I just stop doing that thing I’ve been doing since 5yo.



  8. #2248
    I’ve been doing all my work offline. It’s been good.
    Two things to mention: despite being told to not look back, I’ve taken on board the thoughts and perspectives that have come to me, and am telling a new story. I used to think there was just something intangibly wrong with me that I couldn’t work out. Now I know that I’ve actually lived through decades of abuse. I’ve accomplished so much while dealing with the side-effects of those abusive experiences. I no longer feel that I have to apologise for where I am in life. Where I am makes perfect sense given my past experiences and how I adapted to them. My life makes sense in a way it never did before, as my new story bridges the gaps left by dissociation and amnesia.

    The second thing I want to share is my new definition of deserving. I deserve all the things I desire - that means they are supposed to come to me. It means the default setting, the norm, is for my desires to manifest. It’s not a moral claim, it’s a practical observation.

    I used to think that I had to do everything myself because no help was coming. My ship was never coming in, I had to go build my own ship from scratch.

    But it’s not like that. I deserve all my desires means that my ship already came in and is waiting for me. I feel so good knowing that this abundance is supposed to be mine already, it’s just delayed a little.

    The things I desire are supposed to be here already. The greatest forces in existence have already delivered them to me. I have just been holding myself away thinking “I have to do it all myself; no help is coming”.

    I deserve to have everything I desire - it’s meant to be here already, I just wasn’t open to it.



  9. #2249
    I’ve been fixing, healing, improving; when I feel bad I fix it until I feel better.
    But now I feel a new stage or a new way forming. It’s like: I can improve my unit as much as possible yet it won’t become a bigger house. Becoming bigger is not about fixing something broken or repairing or replacing something faulty.

    What I feel is an actual expansion. It’s as if I’ve been aiming for neutral after being negative. Now I’m really feeling I’m on the doorstep of positive.

    In terms of manifestations I have made some very satisfying changes to my unit. New security screens, new plants, and an attitude of appreciation for where I am and my freedom to spend time and money improving my conditions.

    I do want more, and I feel myself organically outgrowing or expanding beyond this place even as I improve aspects of it.

    I wanted more land to dig and garden in, and without meaning to I found myself digging and gardening in the land I have already.

    I felt really really satisfied. I want more of it, and I can literally feel the yet-unmanifested vibrational reality of it.

    It’s a paradigm shift for me. There’s nothing wrong, I just want more. Expanding into more is not a case of repairing something broken. There doesn’t have to be anything wrong for me to desire more.

    So now i have a new notebook and it is full of these positive thoughts and reflections only. If I have any flashbacks or negative things come up I will write them elsewhere. Let the momentum grow as I receive the fullness of this new, clear, big, and exciting vibration.

  10. #2250
    Super Moderator Hands in the Clay's Avatar
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    It's tangible that this is the real deal. You've been very deliberately practicing the Teachings and doing other "emotional clean-up" and here you are, in a new vibrational place, which your manifested reality will continue to reflect (and it just feeeeeeeels so much better to feel good....). And isn't it cool how it feels new and yet normal at the same time? Your New Normal.
    A word from experience: Know that, as you get used to this new "vibrational temperature" you're in, dropping back to the "old temperature" (due to some old trigger or forgotten episode that pops into your life or mind) will probably feel that much worse by sheer dint of the contrast. What's more, you will probably subconsciously beat yourself up about "slipping in your work" on top of that, which makes it feel even worse.
    So I'm just telling you now that, if/when you have a moment of feeling "bad" in this new phase, remember that it will be what used to feel normal for you, but you've moved up the scale a great deal, so the "drop" when you hit a "muddy pocket" may well feel more dramatic and icky.
    Just make a note to yourself somewhere, while you're in alignment, to remember the different "height" you're at these days, and to not let any unexpected awfulness define how you're doing. All you need do when that happens is do some clean-up using the EGS and whatever Abe techniques work well for you (or try a new one, there are dozens of Abe processes, so much variety!) and, soon enough, your cork will float back up to your new happier place.
    It's so great to feel you feeling so much better, having a personal understanding myself of where you've been. Though it wouldn't feel so good now if it hadn't felt so crappy before.

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