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Thread: Pingan’s practice

  1. #2421
    Arteemide's Avatar
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    Quote Originally Posted by pingan View Post
    I tried so hard to be free but no such effort is required. No effort is required. No additional insight is required. Just enjoy life as it is. Nothing additional is required.
    This feels good

  2. #2422
    JoshuaDM's Avatar
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    nice!
    Quote Originally Posted by pingan View Post
    Some painful resistance came up today. I remind myself that even if it hurts to face it, it has been there the whole time. Better to make peace with where I am than suppress it. That does not mean I have to go looking for it, but when it shows up, it is okay. It will not get any worse than i have already experienced.

    And the matching contrast that arose today was quite smoothly handled by my partner. Our kids bday plans were messed up but my partner sorted it out better than before.

    So I can identify that messed up plans do not make me feel awry. It is my perspective that makes me feel awry, informed as it is by years of abuse and neglect which I am now brilliantly undoing bit by manageable bit.

    I had felt helpless. Powerless. I believed I had not the strength to stop being bullied and hurt.

    But I have always had the power. I have always had the power to create my reality. I do not need to be afraid of bullies and harassment anymore. Not only do I have the strength to beat 90% of people if it were simply a physical struggle, but I do not even require strength for that purpose because I have the power to attract the very best of people. I have the power to attract loving and kind and beautiful and caring people only. That is exactly what I have been doing.

  3. #2423
    My inner being is God. My inner being is Jesus. I am my inner being.

    New creation; tune in to enjoyment of what is.

    I enjoy stretching my body.
    I enjoy having time to relax.
    I enjoy having support from my partner.
    I enjoy feeling parts of my body relax.
    I enjoy focusing my mind to feel relief.

    I like the cool breeze and the scent of incense.
    Dont try too hard...

    Enjoyment generally feels like relief. Non relief is not enjoyment. Allow relief. Allow it to flower. Allow relief to flower.



  4. #2424
    Gratitude is enjoyment is relief
    Let relief bloom and watch the changes roll in.



  5. #2425
    I think my cold symptoms manifest an anguish and torment feeling.

    Snap out of it! - I told myself, as my father had so often done.
    I snap away from that painful feeling. But it is still active.
    Please leave me alone - I had begged many times. Inner being help me soothe this.

    It is beyond complete abandonment, because it is further torment by people who have abandoned you instead of helping you. The people who are supposed to comfort and love and help, not only do they not, they go further and crush me. And when I have given up, they continue to crush me. They crush me even when I am already completely broken. They crush me further when I have already been defeated.

    Please stop hurting me. But no use pleading with them. Jesus, my inner being, please help me.
    This part of me is guidance. My feeling of anguish is guidance. Guidance telling me my thoughts are misaligned. Guidance inviting me to align.

    They would not stop hurting me. But how were they hurting me? With their words and actions they said that I was bad, I was wrong, and I accepted it. The vibration of badness, wrongness, shame. They bullied me until I accepted it and felt ashamed.

    And when I accepted it they got worse. When I surrendered they got worse and treated me worse.

    What hurt was being bullied and made to accept the vibration of shame and badness and wrongness. Because that is not who I am. I am not shame or badness or wrongness.

    They pushed me to accept it, but I can reject it. I can reject their vibration of badness and wrongness and shame.

    And instead a vibration of love and respect and friendliness. People like me. People care about me. People appreciate me. Those bullies were full of shit. My bully parents and siblings were full of shit. Their mouths were full of shit.

    I do not need to accept anguish or torment anymore. I do not need to accept wrongness or badness or shame vibrations anymore.



  6. #2426
    Part of me is still trying to love my parents.

    Part of me is still willing to throw myself at their feet and beg for comfort and attention and love.

    I thought it was spiritual and noble and good to love without asking anything in return, and to love even when people are hurting me. I thought that was a good Christian idea to love the people who were persecuting me.

    But I do not need to try to win the love of unloving people. I do not need to find some kind of level of understanding with unloving people.

    My father did not love me, but I tried to make that loving connection with him no matter the cost to myself. My mother was so cold that it was clear I could not get anything from her.

    But with my father it felt like he was willing and able to love, but I had to please him and keep him happy. I tried everything I could think of to do that. I tried so hard to please him. But he never actually loved me; and if he were a stranger today, I would see clearly that it was just his persona. He had a persona of being a loving and warm person to a degree, but it was really about him.

    That is the narcissist component. He could appear to be genuine and caring and happy, but it was not real love and enjoyment. It could not grow or be connected with. That is why he has no lasting friends.

    He would just tell stories and act gregarious. But that was a narcissistic act. I was trying to connect to a fake person. I mistook his warmth for signs of love, but somehow could never get him to consistently share that warmth with me.

    I once had a friend who was similar. He was very warm and gregarious and I thought he cared about me. But one day I crossed him and he tried to coerce and manipulate me. Then I realised he just wanted followers, we were not really friends in the way I thought. It was more like a gang leader who gives support and favours in return for loyalty.

    But even he was nicer to be around than my father. Even his fake persona was better and more enjoyable.

    So I guess I still feel hurt that my father did not actually love me, and he treated me like that. I am really disappointed that he did not actually love me and did not think me worthy of better treatment. I am hurt that my own father would treat his son like that.

    I do not want to keep trying to connect with someone who never wanted a son or never wanted to love me. I understand that he was never a father, and never loved me like a son. He did not even want me as a loyal follower. He wanted me to take whatever he felt like dishing out. I suppose in a way that his definition of love was putting up with him and enduring his chaotic mix of disordered personality. He did not want to be a loving father, he wanted everyone to prop him up and insulate him.



  7. #2427
    So what i was trying to do was fit into that dynamic of his. I was trying to find my way within that, and somehow please him enough that he would love me.

    But he was never interested in that outcome. That was my misapprehension as a child. I thought he was offering love, if I could just get past his defences and also be of enough value. I thought he would love me if I could be good enough and sincere enough.

    He was never offering love. He was never looking for a father-son relationship. He reserved the right to treat me however he wanted to. He wanted someone he could dominate, push around, ridicule, coerce, and who would keep coming back for more.

    I thought that if I kept loving him, he would have a permanent change of heart. But I did not realise how disordered and corrosive he was and still is.

    So I would instead like to move on and find people who are able and willing to love me and enjoy being with me. I want to attract people whom I can love clearly and purely and without issue. I want to enjoy them and appreciate them. And I want more of the ones I already love and appreciate.



  8. #2428
    Gratitude

    When I see people make lists of things they are grateful for, I kinda think they are full of BS.

    I cannot comprehend feeling grateful for the sun, for example, or the earth, because these things are just there. They just exist. How can I be grateful for things that just exist?

    I have decided that gratitude simply means enjoyment. But even so, I do not enjoy things that simply are the way they are.

    And maybe that is okay? The things I enjoy are changes. I appreciate the changes and improvements like being able to stretch further than ever before. Or hearing words from my best friend that I never heard before. Or achieving something I did not know I could achieve.

    These changes and improvements are so enjoyable because I have such a strong desire for expansion and change.

    I think if I was already happy, I might appreciate the sun shining. But as a starting point, it does not excite me. After all, the sun also shone during my worst days.

    I like this. I may need to try a little harder to notice the things I appreciate and feel grateful for, but I also do not have to try to feel grateful for stuff that I actually regard as mundane and default.

    I appreciate my expansion.



  9. #2429
    I observe a desire for prosperity and I observe negative emotion, which signifies internal conflict.
    I observe a belief that: eschewing desire for prosperity and possessions facilitates transcendence of the physical and mundane reality; and that power over physical reality comes as a by-product of transcendence.
    Therefore: I desire prosperity, but I also believe that if I deny prosperity I will transcend reality and thereby obtain supernatural power over it, and in this power will have prosperity.
    It is as if I say: I desire prosperity...but wait! If I reject prosperity now, I can gain power that ensures true prosperity later.

    The - but wait! - is the first sign of conflict with my desire.

    I also observe a fear that being prosperous will placate me and sap my desire to transcend mundane physical reality.

    Overall I believed that I ought to transcend mundane physical reality, and doing so would yield me the greatest power over reality - I could have my cake and eat it too.

    So I have been in conflict with my own desire for prosperity.

    The reason I desired transcendence was because I believed it would free me from the bullying of my family. On some level I intuited that being prosperous would free me from suffering at their hands, but I believed worldly prosperity was harder to obtain and less secure than the power that comes from transcendence.

    To recap: I have long desired prosperity, but I have been in conflict with my desire because I believed transcendence was a superior goal, and that the immediate desire for prosperity was a hindrance to the superior goal. So I forestalled my desire for prosperity with these conflicting beliefs. I reiterated that prosperity from transcendent supernatural power is good because it has no attachment and is entirely under my control. Prosperity from mundane sources is bad because it is not under my control, and even if obtained will sap my motivation to obtain the superior goal.

    I had not yet learned about LoA, and did not know that I was already creating my reality. I did not realise my desire was the key, or that conflicting beliefs were a hindrance. I did not realise deliberate creation already is the superlative power available to me. I did not realise my yearning to transcend and escape suffering was driven by a very localised experience of chronic bullying and neglect, which I was continuing to create by default.

    Now I know that my desire for prosperity is unequivocally a good thing, which I can lean on to feel better. Now I know that negative emotion indicates internal conflict with my desire and observing the nature of the conflict with skill can increase my enjoyment by releasing the conflict.



  10. #2430
    I have a preference for prosperity.
    I observe that i feel relief now when I think about my preference and how all my preferences naturally become my reality.
    I feel relief now because I previously observed my internal conflict and it diminished as I became aware of it.

    This way I am not using action to try to overcome or change anything. I just know that as I observe and recognise my wants and desires, the authentic desires remain and the rest are diminished.



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