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Thread: Pingan’s practice

  1. #2681
    If I wanted Anything I had to suffer for it.
    What that means is that he was antagonistic, spiteful, demanding. He saw my desires and needs as opportunities to manipulate me and wield power over me.

    My desires do not require suffering or payment. I just feel that way because I grew up with a malicious and manipulative monstrosity for a father.

    He was so bad, I basically gave up on life. But life is not bad. I create my reality. My reality is not bad. My reality is not malicious. My reality is not manipulative. My reality does not demand suffering or payment. It is just responding to a projection or flashback from the past.

    He was so ****ing bad. I cannot even convey it to you. Such a malicious gleeful malevolent bastard, yet always ultimately playing the victim. He was so ****ing horrible. And to need something from him! To need something from this malicious, vain, narcissistic and sadistic heap of shit, was just asking for trouble.

    So these feelings are not about reality! My marginal and transactional and suffering feelings are not about my right now reality, they are about the abuse and mind games and sadism inflicted on me by that horrible person. These feelings are not about now. They are a flashback to the past. Old practiced beliefs.

    I will be free. My reality will be free of this old muck soon.

  2. #2682
    I have felt like money and a new home were not worth the suffering they require; because my father made me suffer whenever I wanted anything from him.

    But I create my reality. So what if money and a new home are easy and fun to receive? What if the path to money and a new home is easy and fun?

    Because it is purely the influence of an arsehole that first gave the idea that I had to suffer.

    Imagine a life of ease and fun, imagine ease and fun bringing in money. Imagine if getting what I want requires that I experience fun and ease. I must undergo fun and ease to get what I want.

  3. #2683
    My friend has called us each night for the past three nights after her work, and I have a feeling about her calling tonight.
    I think she is not going to call, and I feel some feelings about it.
    What is this feeling? First there is a somatic sensation in my chest. A lump in my chest and when I stand up straight it is clearly my throat as well.
    I feel some grief because I think she has denied me and denied her love for me. It is a strange feeling because it is a flashback and not really about my friend.
    I remember the experience of being abandoned. Left to my father and his abuse because my mother did not love me enough to intervene. I remember realising she was not going to come and save me or help me or look after me. I remember the feeling of being abandoned emotionally. And so the fact of looking for another loving connection and hoping it will materialise and the long drawn out waiting and hoping and the eventual feeling of emotional abandonment...I am creating this right now.
    It is not about my friend. We had no agreement. She may be extremely busy or extremely tired. She does not owe me emotional support and I do not really ask for it. But because of my past experience I am suddenly activating those memories and beliefs.
    My mother did not come to rescue me and she left me hanging. I believed no one was coming to save me from that horrible situation.
    But I am not in a horrible situation anymore. I am not looking for anyone to rescue me. I am not looking for my best friend to rescue me. I love her, and I love hearing from her and spending time with her and chatting to her with my beautiful partner.
    But I am not abandoned if she does not call. Her love for us has not flagged. Our love for her has not gone astray. She still loves us and loves calling us when she feels good and when the timing is right. We do not want her to call too soon and she will not call too late.

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